Awful Coworker- please help my spirit deal with her

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Thank you so much!! I love your response, all of them and will reflect on them again. I’m just afraid nothing will be done and I feel like I let my Lord down if I don’t bear it patiently instead of telling on her so to speak
 
I think you need to separate some behaviors that are annoying (talking to herself, looking at you funny) and actual things like badmouthing your religion or actual aggressive comments.
 
Thanks Xanthippe, I’ve appreciated your comments and totally understand the separation aspect, but do you think there’s a place for me to mention to my manager that her constant chatter to herself is disruptive to my workflow or how she chitchats about religion and politics (she’s Catholic). I think I might have a hard time separating the two. A big problem I need to tell my boss is that even though we have to work together I literally can’t talk to her because I run the risk of her actually shaking her head no as in she can’t talk now or her curling her lip at me and rolling her eyes, I kid you not!
 
momof2angells said:
Thanks Xanthippe, I’ve appreciated your comments and totally understand the separation aspect, but do you think there’s a place for me to mention to my manager that her constant chatter to herself is disruptive to my workflow or how she chitchats about religion and politics (she’s Catholic). I think I might have a hard time separating the two. A big problem I need to tell my boss is that even though we have to work together I literally can’t talk to her because I run the risk of her actually shaking her head no as in she can’t talk now or her curling her lip at me and rolling her eyes, I kid you not!
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Unfortunately, people talking to themselves is a somewhat normal thing that others need to learn how to tune out.

Having extraneous conversations at her desk, on the other hand, is not something normative and that can be cut out.

Having worked in a cubicle farm environment, on complicated issues that would often make me need to mumble under my breath, I would have eye-rolled even my favorite co-workers if they told me that they were bothered by it. If my co-worker was counting out loud (given the nature of our job counting “teapot spots” was important) then I would have deserved an eye roll, too.

Noise canceling headphones, earplugs. Whatever you need to get through it.

You also might want to consider that she’s perhaps stressed in what she does and while it appears others can interrupt without an issue you might just have the bad luck of always catching her in the middle of something.

I would suggest an email/post-it depending on your office culture. I worked in an open-door office but it was very important to notice when people couldn’t be bothored.
 
Ok. But it’s more like arguing with herself and there’s always the grumbling cursing under the breath. I think I know what you mean with the talking to yourself but I sense in her it’s different, it’s like an angry conversation she’s having. Anyway, thank you so much for your thoughtful response
 
momof2angells said:
Ok. But it’s more like arguing with herself and there’s always the grumbling cursing under the breath. I think I know what you mean with the talking to yourself but I sense in her it’s different, it’s like an angry conversation she’s having. Anyway, thank you so much for your thoughtful response
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I know it must be difficult. I really is. But unfortunatly, for the most part, it’s considered normal to talk to yourself when doing work that’s not client facing.

It might be ok to address the swearing. For instance, “New boss, I need some coaching to help cope with Lucinda. She talks to herself when doing work—a lot-- and much of it is foul language. I do my best to ignore it, but the curse words really get my attention when I’m trying to focus. What is the best way for me to work around this? I’m also concerned that with all this language Lucinda is not really happy. She rarely seems to have a good thing to say. She will badmouth religion and even has negativly commented on my food. I think it might be just me, but she doesn’t (insert one or 2 concrete examples of what she refuses to do that is normal in your company) and I’m starting to feel very isolated trying to stay on her good side in order to get my work done.”

In short, be really humble and make this about you asking for advice, rather than blaming her cruelty on your misery.
 
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Oh gosh thank you, I wish I had this kind of savvy in speaking but the Lord brought me here for a reason. The truth is its been ingrained in me since I started working that I should never give a boss a problem without a solution, but honestly, here I have no solution to offer.
 
momof2angells said:
Oh gosh thank you, I wish I had this kind of savvy in speaking but the Lord brought me here for a reason. The truth is its been ingrained in me since I started working that I should never give a boss a problem without a solution, but honestly, here I have no solution to offer.
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Actually, what you CAN do is ask your new boss for advice and coaching. People love giving advice (ie FORUM!!! LOL).

If you approach her asking for a coaching relationship from day one, she’s going to see you as someone who is humble, open and willing to work with her. She’s going to want to help you find a solution.

If you simply come to her with a list of complaints and no solution, like you suggested, it’s not going to go anywhere.

In this case, you don’t have any solution but looking to New Boss for wisdom. This makes her your ally, rather than your adversary when things don’t quite work out the way you hoped. When something ends up not working it is for you both to figure out.

In this process, New Boss will also likely observe Lucinda with a careful eye. Rather than approaching Lucinda hearing that she’s nasty and waiting for her to do something nasty enough to address, New Boss will be able to key in on how Lucinda’s behaviors are affecting you and the rest of the staff. It will be a one thing at a time process.

In this, rather than simply hearing how terrible Lucinda is, New Boss will be able to go to a meeting and say, “Your co-workers are worried about you, and so am I, after observing your behavior.” Much more productive than, “Your swearing is not professional and annoys Momof2, you need to stop.” So you set everyone up for a better chance of success.
 
I agree with the need to document the instances. In addition to documenting the instances of what the coworker does, you also should document any communications you have with any management or HR regarding her in case you need to show that you did indeed bring this to management’s attention, but they did nothing.

Two other things that may not have been mentioned:
  1. The cursing can be considered religious harassment, so that may be a route to pursue grievances against her, since many (if not most) companies have policies prohibiting religious harassment.
  2. Are other coworkers having problems with her? If so, that may provide you with allies and witnesses for your documentation if/when you need to take this to management/HR.
 
Hang in there. Do not let her behavior affect you in any way. Ignore what you don’t like and build on what you do like. She may not think anything is wrong with her behavior. Offer a silent prayer for her when she annoys you. She may just be a chronic complainer. Do not tune in to what she is saying or doing. Just train your ear to tune it out. Unless she specifically addresses you. My boss was one who would not allow us to take personal calls or talk to each other until our breaks and lunchtime. He was very strict on that. He had many rules. I was glad because he was fair to everyone. Our time at work was his time and also we couldn’t use foul or disrespectful language. Nor did we want to. Using curse words is so undignified. Maybe you can confirm her feelings. Like say: Gee, you really sound unhappy. or Is there anything bothering you that we can talk about? I like the idea of the ear plugs, if your employer will allow it. I find that if you confirm what they are saying, like about the smell of food. Oh, you think the smell is strong? I’ll be through with my lunch in 10 minutes. Any polite response will keep you from replaying the situation. Then let it go. It won’t happen right away. You will have to put effort and practice into getting the result you want. Will be praying for you. Short Prayer: Heavenly Father, I know that when I pray you hear me and that you will move in this situation. No matter how long it may take for change to be noticeable, I pray that you would change me also in the process so that I do not feel overwhelmed or stressed or anxious around this person but that I will give it all over to you and allow you to work through me to love [him, her] and to show kindness, and compassion to [him, her] and this comes through humbling myself under your mighty righteous hand. I ask this in the Name of Jesus, Your Son, who lives and reigns with You and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
 
I think you may need assertiveness training, and help communicating. As much as possible, deal with her directly, not with the boss. Only if you can’t get anywhere with her should you go higher.

Personally, I don’t think swearing is a big deal. But if she says G-damn, just say, “God be Praised.” You can cancel her swear words. If she yells that the f’ing computer isn’t working, tell her to check the f’ing nut behind the monitor.

I’m very much like her if people interrupt me. I can’t change my focus very easily. My blood literally boils.

If she responds rudely, ask her, “Do you always respond this rudely to people?”

If she whispers about you to your cube mates, say, “Wow, did you just whisper about me to these guys while I"m standing in front of you?”

Call her out on the worst behaviours but deal with the sneezing. (Gezundheit!)

Some people like you have been raised in very genteel homes. I was not. Difficult people invariably come from tougher homes. They think life is about being tough, otherwise they believe they will not make it. Perhaps her mother went through the war. These things pass from one generation to the next.

Also, don’t forget to bring your sense of humour to work.
 
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