Awkard situation at work

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There is this one lady at work I always have morning break with. It just kind of happened that everyone else is clicky and neither of us really were accepted by them and somehow we became friends. However, it is the work force and I bite my tongue a lot (prudence) when she makes certain statements.

At times she has hinted at being friends outside of work and I basicall made it clear that was not an option. Outside of work I am more vocal about my religious beliefs and it would straing the work environment (prudence again)

I have often lent a listening ear to her medical issues. But when I have an issue, she is not sympathetic. When I tried to tell her politely that there are times I need to be heard and not contradicted, she became very defensive and started talking a mile a minute justifying why whe was right. No desire to try and listen to my point of view.

So, one day when she emailed me for break, I told I wanted to be alone. She sent me an email back and all it said was ‘Problem?’ (kind of offensive the way it happened). I said I wanted space. Since then there is an awkardness between us. I have tried to make polite chit chat but it is weird.

Well, a while back I planed a trip and she asked me to bring her a souvenir. I cam back from the trip and to be honest, hunting down a souvenir was a pain since there weren’t many shops. I bought something my last day there just to not show up empty handed but to be hones, it is kind of ugly. So in the airport I bought her something else.

Well now, I fell weird if I give it to her and weird if I don’t. I feel to not give it to her would really be sending the message ‘I am livid with you’ and that could really not go well in an office. If I give it to her, yet again, I am being trampled all over. Or worse, if I give it to her, she will think everything is back to normal and it isn’t.

Not sure what to do
 
If the souvenir is really that ugly, maybe you can say, “Sorry, I didn’t think you’d like any of the souvenirs, but I’d love to buy you lunch instead”?
 
Honestly, the souvenir is the least of your problems.

If someone I regularly had break with suddenly out of the blue emailed me and said they want to be alone and that they need space, I would give it to them.

But yes, unless they brought up what happened sometime soon after that, it is going to be weird. I think the ball was in your court to explain why you ditched her, but you said nothing. If she does or says things at work that bother you and you kept silent, that is on you. She may have thought everything is fine.There are ways to disengage from relationships with acquaintances. I don’t think what you did worked for you.
 
Office politics can drive anyone nuts I think, and perhaps that’s why you are so stressed over this. At the end of the day surely you must do what makes you most comfortable and does the least harm.

I’d give the present nicely and then continue to keep your distance in the way you already have. We can still be pleasant after all even though we don’t want close contact with someone.

If you have a faith you can ask for some help and for some peace of mind.
 
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It seems as though you don’t know what you want and she’s picked up on that. You dismissed seeing her outside of work but you want her to listen to you uninterrupted to your problems or opinions. Then you tell her you need space, but buy her a souvenir but don’t want to give it to her because you don’t want her to think everything between you is fine.

So what is it? You seem conflicted over whether you want a friendship or simply an acquaintanceship. If you want the latter, don’t expect her to be an ear for you, and don’t buy her a souvenir, especially if there are no shops around.
cmscms said:
She sent me an email back and all it said was ‘Problem?’
Click to expand...
I don’t particularly see what’s wrong with this. Are you sure you didn’t read her tone wrongly - it’s easy to do. Maybe she was genuinely concerned.
 
I must say I do like your response because it gives me insight into her point of view.

The reason I said nothing is because when I first tried to politely tell her I needed to be heard. She got defensive and raised her voice and was so busy talking, she would listen to a thing I had to say. That doesn’t exactly invite me to bring up issues to talk about with her. I feel her behariour made it clear she did not want to me to explain.

Right now my concern is to continue keeping a good working environment. Our jobs are such that we really only need to talk business together once or twice a month. And the issues of our work is straight forward
 
Well… I listen to her problems and health issues and how her parents were alcoholics uninterrupted so yes, I would like the same in return. She knew from day 1 that I didn’t socialize outside of work with co-wokers but chose to befriend me anyways.

Right now I want to be polite and cordial with her (more than happy to forgo the friendship), but… I want to be professional and make sure there is dram at work.

Yes, I could have got the tone of her email wrong. Which is why I bit my tongue when I read it
 
As I get older, I realize that there were many times I “failed” at kindness, I could have been a better face of Jesus to the people I worked with.

Give her the souvenir with a note that says "Let this be a reminder how bad the shopping options are at Blah Blah resort 🙂 "
 
That’s fair enough. I think that it’s just down to a miscommunication - she’s treating you like a friend whereas you want to step back a little. Unfortunately I don’t think there’s any way to do that without awkwardness.
 
Op, I kind of feel like you’re the weird one in this interaction.
 
yes, it would be a lie. If she asks (which I doubt she will), perhaps I can have it in my desk and give it to her then
 
But giving someone a gift that she knows was bought after the incident is communicating (with action) I want a friendship. I think to give it and then turn around and say ‘but I don’t want to be friends’ could really give a mixed message
 
Then don’t give it to her. Problem solved. What do you think she is going to do? Ask you where her souvenir is? I doubt it. And if she did, say well, I didn’t think you would want something from me under the circumstances.
 
You can’t be friends outside of work because of your religious beliefs? Really? What kind of weird religion do you practice where you can’t socialize with people? It sure isn’t Catholicism.

Second, your handled the situation very awkwardly. Instead of bluntly telling her you want to be alone, you should have just made some excuse and let the friendship gradually fade out. The way you did it was practically guaranteed to create awkardness.

I’m not saying you’re a bad person and I’m sure you didn’t mean to do anything wrong, but you could have handled this way more gracefully.
 
Because now I have the option of giving it to her. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to give her something and if I didn’t buy a souvenir, the door would have been closed. She asked for me to pick one up weeks ago
 
Ok, this is why I can not be friends because of my religious beliefs. When she tells me about when she was younger, her husand and her used contraceptives, I say nothing. Outisde of work I would tell her TMI (and she is the type that would get offending). She praises homosexual rights and tells me rudely that although I have a right to my religious beliefs I am wrong. I say nothing at work for prudence sake and wanting to keep my job, but outside of work I would tell her at the very least to clean up the tone of voice she uses on me. There are other reasons besides religion that I didn’t mention so I can see how you read that negatively.

And it really has never been my style to make excuses. When I don’t want to be with someone, if I make an excuse, the person sees through it. Also, I have always felt much more respected when someone tells me they want space rather than make an excuse. I find excuses dishonest and insulting to the other person.

How could I handle it gracefully. When I did try to politely talk about it she blew her lid. It makes it hard for me to stay calm so I bit my tongue. No matter how tactful I am, if the other person doesn’t co-operate, I can’t advancde the cause
 
Actually, this is something that I did not mention in my original post so perhaps it may shed some light on the situation.

This has only been going on for 1 week. So… I am still trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and think that perhaps the reason she was cold to me was because she is having her own problems that are dragging her down. I don’t want to jump to the conclusion that because she was in a bad mood, she is mad at me.
 
I must say that I can identify a little with your issue, cmscms…I had a co-worker like this who was a friend…We would bond because I would listen to her and she would listen to me…There was a bit of a kinship there in a way…Working together (when we could) made the day go by so much faster, but there were times she wanted to be alone…She would have her “moods” and I got very intuitive when she was having a bad day, needed something to eat or just needed her space…I would always tell her that if she needed to talk, she knew where to find me…Sometimes, we have to give as much as we get…And there are times when it’s best to let things be…We grow stronger in our friendships when we realize this…I do try to make it a point to listen to others more carefully, as we are to bear each others’ burdens…Confess things one to another…Sometimes, I wonder if the person who I’m talking to needs a little more empathy and compassion, and that maybe they don’t have a real confidant…Anything she ever told me in private that she didn’t want discussed openly I kept secret…Most of the time, her “secrets” never affected me personally as they were her personal issues that maybe she didn’t want broadcast publicly…I understood that and made my word my bond, too…Those virtues are harder to come by nowadays…

In any case, another friend has told me that “true friends are hard to come by…You can count your true friends on one hand…” He’s absolutely right! You can have a lot of acquaintances, but true friends are rare in this world…When you meet such people, hold on to them…

Regarding the former co-worker, she also travelled to Malaysia a few years back and I asked her casually if she could buy me a postcard from there, since I like postcards from around the world…My co-worker friend did get the postcard, but it was because she promised and she was a woman of her word…When we say we are going to do something, we should follow through on it…Otherwise, we should never make promises we can’t keep…I understand extenuating circumstances, but we should all try to become better friends and co-workers when we can…It makes the workplace so much better!

I try to listen more, too…I may have to bite my tongue on occasion, but we may be the lifeline that person needs…I sense that some of us are too busy to be concerned for the welfare of others and that apathy and incompassion is something even I have to work on daily…

Still, regarding your quandary, I would still give her the gift…I’ve been a part of those “secret Santa” groups, in which we give gifts to our co-workers…We don’t necessarily have to interact with those people on a daily basis…I gave a glove-and-scarf set to one of my co-workers…Just knowing she appreciated the gift was good enough for me…Keep in mind, too, that the “weird” gifts are things that sometimes we can have a laugh over…Remember also that real friendships are based on mutual give-and-take…Listen more, but also a casual reminder that it’s a two-way street might not hurt…Be gentle about it, though, and remember, too, that sometimes, we must bite our tongues, too, and just listen…
 
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