Awkard situation at work

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Also, it is said that we have two ears and one mouth because we should listen twice as much as we speak…I think the philosopher Epictetus made that one popular…Of course, James 1:19 tells us we should be “swift to hear” and “slow to speak”…True listening is an acquired art, but the more we do it, the better we will be as friends and neighbors, brothers and sisters…
 
I am sorry, but I honestly don’t understand the message you are trying to convey. Are you saying I don’t listen to her enough? It seems to be like your posts depicts all the tihngs SHE should be doing and I can’t control her
 
Again, my post is about how I needed HER to listen to me. And you are lecturing me about how I should listen. I don’t get it
 
At this point, I am confused about what it is you actually want. You don’t want to be friends outside of work. That is clear. Yet, you think she and you should share some kind of equal opportunity speaking time where neither of you really seem to want to hear what the other says because you disagree, but you both want to be heard.

It sounds like you don’t really like each other, it’s just that you both have no one else to talk to.

I wonder why that is.
 
First off, I want to know if the office environment is tainted or we will still work cordially together (which is what I am hoping for) and I am scared that by not given her the gift, the working atmosphere will be worse. If it will keep peace in the office I am more than happy to give it to her, yet I don’t want to send the message I want a friendship.

Also I NEVER said I don’t want to listen to her. I was more than happy to take her seriously when she told me of her health issues. The problem I have is things can’t be onesided and I can’t keep giving when I don’t receive in return
 
It is tainted, but you can co-exist and work together, because that is what your job calls for you to do. The souvenir is not going to make or break this relationship.

When I said you don’t want to listen I meant because you want it to be equal. You think she should listen to you as much as you listen to her, but you two are not really friends, and even people that are friends are not always equal. You are right, you can’t keep giving without receiving: because you are not really friends. If you were friends, you wouldn’t be keeping score.
 
Sounds like what started as a simple friendly break together has gotten a bit too co-dependent and personal. Id give her the souvenir and not be a stranger around her but maybe cut your breaks short with her.

Breaks are called breaks for a reason, if they are stressful you need to change something
 
Well, first off you say ‘keeping score’ but that is twisting what I say. I never timed how much time she talked. But when I listen to her of course I am going to want to take a turn. And when she didn’t take me seriously, it was one thing. But when I tried to politely communicate and she got defensive and just kept talking refusing to let me get a word in, I think she made it crystal clear my feelings don’t count
 
Well… how do you ‘cut your breaks short’ without causing tension?
 
I agree.I think the OP could have been much more subtle about things.
Eg:when the co worker wrote problem(?) instead of saying they need space they could have just said something subtle and ambiguous like “thanks for your concern,it’s ok though,I’ll figure it out”
By stating “I need space” to me seems almost confrontational and bound to cause awkwardness.
On the co workers side,instead of a short email saying “problem?” they could have instead worded it something like “is everything ok?”

OP-In my view it helps to have no expectations from people in life.
Eg:to expect that someone would/should listen back to your problems because you have listened to theirs is bound to cause disappointment because unfortunately some people won’t care.
Instead look to share your problems with people you truly trust-people who’s character has shown repeatedly that they are trustworthy.
 
Some people are put in your life to listen and some people are put in your life to be listened to. Sounds like this one is the second kind. Relationships are rarely “equal” in that sort of way, even intimate ones. This sounds like a bored, possibly lonely individual who is just looking for someone to talk to . I’d just sit there and eat my sandwich and not stress over it. If she doesn’t take you seriously, then don’t tell her anything about yourself. It sounds like she’s not too interested anyway.
 
If you choose to listen to another person make it without conditions.
You will not feel used/taken advantage of if you make it your personal choice for your character to be this way.
Feeling taken advantage of (eg:when someone doesn’t listen back) only comes about if a person feels that they are not in control but when you yourself choose to “give without conditions” then you don’t feel this way as you are in control of your feelings/character/decisions.
I hope that made sense.🤔

If she’s the sort of person who isn’t receptive of other people’s opinions and only “likes the sound of her own voice” then I would just remain coworkers on a pleasant basis but not become friends friends.
People who are this way anyway usually only prefer friends who are likeminded anyway don’t they?
Eg:some people who are strongly pro gay marriage don’t want to be friends with people who are against gay marriage,it’s almost like a bigotry of their own form.
So if that’s what she’s like,can you just allow her to make the decision for you?
Iow-does she really want to be friends with someone who’s values are totally different from hers?
If she wants a friend who isn’t allowed to have their own opinions…that’s a pretty distorted view on friendship imo.
 
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I have heard of the theory ‘Don’t have expectations and you won’t be disappointed’ and honestly, I think it is silly. If the movie theater announces a certain show will be playing at 8 O’clock, I would expect them to play that movie (as long as there were no unforseen circumstances like a fire). When a person gets married, I think it is normal they expect their spouse to be faithfull. You even mention ‘Only share your problems with people who’s character has shown repeatedly they are trusthworthy’. Doesn’t that imply I can expect these people to be trustworthy???

Also, how do I know if someone is trust worthy without ever confiding in them. That is the risk one must take to find good people. I tried to open up and I learnt she is not the person to open up to. My concern is to continue in the most harmoniously way possible.

One last thing : If I said ‘It’s OK I will figure it out’ would be like saying ‘yes there is a problem’ that would invite more questions from her. I wanted to make a ‘hard stop’ as to what was wrong.
 
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although I realize things will never be 50/50, I still need them to be 40% in my favour. I don’t care giving the other person 60%. And actually, she does listen to my ‘fluffy’ stories. But she talks mainly more about her problems than her ‘fluff’.

I do think she has issues. After all, she is well over 50 at at least every second day she mentions she grew up in an alcoholic home. What shocked me is the way she told so non-chalantly when I first met her. I can’t help but think if she came to peace with it she wouldn’t constantly bring it up at work
 
Give her the ugly souvenir with the comment, it made think of you.
Not to sure how to communicate the way to inform your friend that you two are not compatible with each other for a true friendship. Yet maintain an office friendship.
But i do think you should have a discussion about your work relationship outside of work.
 
Forgive me, cmscms, if I came across as heartless there…I did not mean to sound uncaring to your situation…We ALL need someone to listen to us when we need a friend…I try to listen to as many as I can, but even I fall short, sometimes terribly short…I have to work on that in my own life and continue to strive for better, so whatever “advice” I might give I have to be willing to take that “advice” as well…If I were your co-worker, even I would listen to you, since it is in my nature to be understanding of others, just as you’ve listened to her…I’m only speaking from my own experience now…Maybe I’ve had friends who have let me speak as much as I’ve listened to them…Nowadays, I guess that’s rare? They are, sadly, few and far between…Despite that, I do know that Jesus hears me when no one else does and for that I am thankful…He has helped me more times than I can count…Galatians 6:2 also tells us to “bear ye one another’s burdens”, but I can see it going both ways, as well…I am only saying that ALL of us should be more attentive to each other in general as humans showing love and compassion…It doesn’t always work out that way, though…What’s great is that there are forums like this where people can ask questions like this and get answers in a non-threatening way, so forgive me again if I came across as a cold, rude person…It was not my intention to do so…Your concerns, cmscms, are also valid and worthy of dignity and respect…
 
You mention her saying she grew up in an alcoholic home, too…Maybe she has been looking for someone to confide this in and you just happened to be there at the beginning…Maybe she still isn’t at peace with it…We could all cite things in our past that we wish could have gone differently or things we wished we could have changed…Even if you’ve never experienced a similar situation, maybe you know someone who did, so while you might not be able to give sympathy, you can give empathy…With that said, a true friend doesn’t feel that they have to speak all the time and lets the other friend have a chance to speak…When I say I try to listen, I am also allowed to speak and interject, at least with the friends I trust…Remember, I’m only speaking from PERSONAL EXPERIENCE here…It must be reciprocal BOTH ways or else one feels like he or she isn’t being heard and that’s not a good way to live for either of them…The 50/50 rule is ideal, the 60/40 rule (as you mentioned) is good…When things become 80/20 or even 90/10, that’s when problems can arise…

Just as a side note, too…You know you can trust a friend when you tell him or her something small or insignificant (maybe something you normally wouldn’t tell someone, but that wouldn’t bother you if it got out…) and tell them not to repeat it…If you can trust him or her in small matters like that and on a consistent basis, those are the people who will have your back…While this is not always a guarantee, I have found this personally to be the case more times than not…But again, sometimes, you must “test the waters” to find those “true confidants”…Again, they are rare…and when you find that person, definitely cherish him or her, because they don’t come along often…The ones that gossip behind your back, slander you, say malicious things, etc. are simply friends not worth having…We can love them and even pray for them, and sometimes, we may have to work with them, but that doesn’t automatically mean we have to reciprocate a friendship…And I can be “friendly” (or should I say civil) with my co-workers, even if I’m not necessarily good friends with them…Just a few thoughts, or my two cents, in any case…
 
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Your right that it’s natural to want a friendship/relationship to be two way and people to care back,but realistically this won’t always be the case.
When we go to the movies we are making like a “contract” of sorts -ie:we pay the money and on their end they “promise” the movie will be delivered and on time etc.
Unfortunately dealing with humans are much more complex.
Sometimes there are some signs that someone is more trustworthy or less trustworthy.
Eg:you mentioned that she came from a family with alcoholism and that she mentions it often,this to me would give me an indication that she has unfinished emotional business with her past and probably isn’t in a clear place to be able to objectively offer support,sympathy and advice.
“Broken” people need to work on themselves before they are in a position to help others.

Have you considered being direct with her about what it is that’s bothering you?
 
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