Awkard situation at work

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If you don’t want the relationship to be anything but professional, distant but kind, don’t give her the item and just say There really wasn’t anything I found that you’d like. Then bring a book or take a walk for your break. Continue to be polite but distant. Such continual talkers and venters can really wear on you, and you have no moral obligation to continue it. I wouldn’t. Start to nose around and you will find not everyone is in the clicks you describe; there are always people longing for something else or feeling like outsiders. Think about how to form other friendships, or decide it is not going to happen and look for friendships outside of work.
 
Every day I thank God for my friends, friends of every religion, no religion, every political bent, I hope that I can bring a little bit of joy to their lives.
 
Jesus ate with tax collectors and prostitutes. It is very possible to be friendly to people of every political and religious/non-religious belief. There are so many other topics of conversation beyond contraceptives and homosexuality, talk about books or film, about gardening or knitting or philosophy or bird watching or cosmetics or anything else in the whole world.

We are commanded to be light in the world, we are not commanded to build walls to keep out people who are sinners.

I pray that you can reconcile with your neighbor and that this Holiday season is made warmer by stronger bonds of friendship.
 
Yes, I was direct with her and she got defensive. That is why I chose not to have break with her a few days after. Her behaviour clearly indicated if I try to be direct she will talk over me
 
I guess I am confused. You want her to listen to you talk about non-fluffy stuff, but you don’t want to be friends with her? Those seem to be contradictory desires.

If I meet someone I have no desire to be friends with, I could listen to them talk all day and not want to share with them anything personal about myself.

To answer your question about the gift, I don’t think it would make things worse if you gave it to her. If anything, maybe it would smooth over some of the awkwardness. But, yes, it might make her want to resume the relationship dynamic you previously had.

If it were me, I’d be okay with just listening to someone talk about themselves all the time. I’m more of a listener than a talker. So take that for what it’s worth.
 
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yes you are confused. I don’t want people from work to be in my social circle outside of work since I have learnt from experience that is a recipe for disaster.

I was friends with her and listened to her problems and when I needed an ear she was not there for me. That is why I no longer wish to be friends with her
 
Do you not see anything weird in that? You don’t want to be friends with her outside of work, but you want her to be a good friend and listen to you while at work.
 
No I don’t because she knew I didn’t want to be friends outside of work, she used my listening ears for months and when the first time I needed something she made it clear she was not availablee
 
So you are annoyed that someone you dont want to know outside of work isn’t giving you enough ear time in work. How do you fail to see how odd that is?
 
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Is there a chance that she didn’t understand at the time how much it was bothering you?
Ie:if you were to invite her out to lunch and candidly said to her (non pointedly) that the reason why things have been awkward and distant is because you feel friends should be equally supportive and that the friendship is not as mutually supportive as you’d like do you think she would be receptive or defensive?
At least if she knows the problem it might give her a chance to self reflect.

If she would get defensive theres probably little you can do.
People can only give what they have to give, and due to her upbringing, she may not be in a position to be sympathetic and supportive etc.
You might need to remain compassionate and cordial at work,but not necessarily form a friendship.

To me the souvenir situation is the minor part.If it was me I would just do what other posters suggested and just say to her you didn’t see anything on your trip that she would like/anything nice.

Generally,if she doesn’t act respectful of your beliefs,then I wouldn’t talk any those topics with her and just avoiding topics like gay marriage etc.

You mentioned that being friends outside of work has caused you some dramas in the past,but in a way you have quite a high expectancy for a work collegue to be like a close friend.
Due to this,doesn’t the ‘boundary’ you set about work vs outside life seems almost pointless?
 
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As I stated before, I listened to her issues without judgement. I just wanted the same in return
 
There is always the possibility she doesn’t realize how much it bothers me but… I don’t really think she cares. She’s kind of the type of person ’ it is only important if it is important to her.’

Also, we always sit in the cafeteria for break. Her husband picks her up for lunch and it would be intruding on her hubby time which I know is important and not something she would give up lightly.

I honestly don’t think it is worth the risk of bringing it up again. There is such a small chance she won’t get defensive. As for topics like gay marriage, she brings them up, not me. I just state for the record my beliefs (which makes her defensive and needing to have the last word which I let her have).

There are certain levels of sharing and some stuff I NEVER have and NEVER will share with her because we are not friends outside of work. She constantly talks about her alcoholic upbringing which I think is going over board for a work relationship but I don’t say anything because I don’t feel it is my place. The issues I wanted her to listen are not as deep as that. But nonetheless, it’s like I said before, I need to get listened to 40% of the time and she can’t do that without contradicting my opinion.
 
Right now my concern is to continue keeping a good working environment. Our jobs are such that we really only need to talk business together once or twice a month. And the issues of our work is straight forward
Personally this is why I focus on work at work, and avoid getting personal in the workplace. If there is someone at the office with whom you want to socialize, it is better to do it outside of work.

You can tell her you are trying to improve your work ethic by focusing on your tasks at work.

Everyone has a need to be heard, and you would probably feel better if you were able to share some personal things but you nailed it - she let you know by getting defensive that this relationship is not one where that can happen.
Well… I listen to her problems and health issues and how her parents were alcoholics uninterrupted…
This is not what your employer is paying you to do, so it can be an occasion of taking advantage of your employer. It is not in the job description.
so yes, I would like the same in return.
She has made it clear that this is an unrealistic expectation in her case. If you want someone to do this for you, seek out another friend, or go to the EAP counselor.
She knew from day 1 that I didn’t socialize outside of work with co-wokers but chose to befriend me anyways.
This makes it sound like you are blaming her for trying to get personal with you. Obviously you are a good listener, and she appreciates that. The problem here seems to be that you are socializing INSIDE work!
Right now I want to be polite and cordial with her (more than happy to forgo the friendship), but… I want to be professional and make sure there is dram at work.
This is a good goal. It is quite possible to be “friendly”, courteous, polite etc. but focus on the professional. You could even tell her that you have been counselled to avoid using your work time for personal socializing.
Which is why I bit my tongue when I read it
So far, you have given her a lot of mixed messages. You need to pick a message, and stick to it.
 
Except that that would be a lie.
Yeah, I think it would be better just to give it, then step back from getting into the same fix. She does not have to know that a trip is even happening. It is a matter of finding cordial responses that do not disclose much of anything personal. People are naturally interested and ask things like “what are you going to do for the holiday” or “how was your weekend”. One can give a response that is not a lie, but also does not disclose details that will be an occasion of pursuit.

People at work seem to enjoy talking about their relationships, dates, arguments, etc. I just don’t want to go there with my co-workers, so I find reasons to leave the room, and to give superficial answers to questions.
And why am I the weird one?
I wouldn’t say weird, but you have conflicting feelings about what you want, so it is resulting in mixed messages. If you don’t want to get personal, don’t listen to the personal stories. SInce you know she does not want to listen to you in kind, don’t get yourself in a position where you want reciprocity.
If she asks (which I doubt she will), perhaps I can have it in my desk and give it to her then
This seems simple and gets it behind you. Then you can move on to extricating yourself into a more professional type of interaction.
But giving someone a gift that she knows was bought after the incident is communicating (with action) I want a friendship.
Not necessarily. She asked you to bring her a souvenir and you did. You got yourself into that by letting her know you were going on a trip.
What do you think she is going to do? Ask you where her souvenir is?
If she does, it seems easiest to have it ready and give it. It would not surprise me if she did. It has happened to me!
 
I think to give it and then turn around and say ‘but I don’t want to be friends’ could really give a mixed message
YOu don’t need to say it with words, just actions. Move steadily away from listening to her personal problems and toward focusing only on work. Work out some ways to extricate yourself when she wants to talk about personal issues.
just made some excuse and let the friendship gradually fade out.
This is a course of action that will probably work best.
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to give her something
YOu clearly have very mixed feelings about this relationship and are working out your own conflicts about how to relate to her.
Outisde of work I would tell her TMI (and she is the type that would get offending).
These are the kinds of things that friends talk about. I am not sure what this has to do with your religion.
She praises homosexual rights and tells me rudely that although I have a right to my religious beliefs I am wrong.
It sounds like you know you have a number of conflicting values but you have kept them to yourself, while still letting her get the idea that you are ready, willing, and able to listen to her talk about things that offend you.
And it really has never been my style to make excuses.
Now is a very good time to develop this important social skill. It is one of the ways you can avoid being painfully blunt, but also communicate important information.
When I don’t want to be with someone, if I make an excuse, the person sees through it.
Of course people do, and they are supposed to! This is the whole point of making the excuse. It is a subtle way of communicating one’s wants and needs that is designed to keep the peace.
I find excuses dishonest and insulting to the other person.
You might want to revise your attitude on this. It is really more confusing and potentially insulting to give mixed messages. At least if you are making polite excuses you can be consistent about the message.
How could I handle it gracefully. When I did try to politely talk about it she blew her lid.
This is exactly the purpose of polite excuses!
No matter how tactful I am, if the other person doesn’t co-operate, I can’t advancde the cause
This is not true. Although the relationship cannot progress without both parties cooperating, you can certainly continue to advance your cause and purpose whether she agrees to it, or not. And polite excuses can be quite tactful. Especially if they are consistent and repeated.
 
Personally this is why I focus on work at work, and avoid getting personal in the workplace. If there is someone at the office with whom you want to socialize, it is better to do it outside of work.
It has been my experience if I am friends with a co-worker outside of work, they expect the same level of friendhip/intimacy at work and they get a mixed message at best. Usually it causes bad situations at work. Easier to just not be friends with them
This is not what your employer is paying you to do, so it can be an occasion of taking advantage of your employer. It is not in the job description.
This happens at break mainly and our boss encourages break.
This makes it sound like you are blaming her for trying to get personal with you. Obviously you are a good listener, and she appreciates that. The problem here seems to be that you are socializing INSIDE work!
Thank you for saying that I am a good listener. And I am NOT blaming her. I am simply pointing out I was upfront and thus did not mislead her.
This is a good goal. It is quite possible to be “friendly”, courteous, polite etc. but focus on the professional. You could even tell her that you have been counselled to avoid using your work time for personal socializing.
Unfortunately, she will know that is a lie. Our boss would never say that to either one of us. We both always meet deadlines and are willing to do what is asked of us. He would have not reason to say that.
So far, you have given her a lot of mixed messages. You need to pick a message, and stick to it.
Agreed. The message I want to give is we can have a good working relationship and that is where it ends. I just don’t know how to accomplish that tactfully after everything that has happened
 
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YOu don’t need to say it with words, just actions. Move steadily away from listening to her personal problems and toward focusing only on work. Work out some ways to extricate yourself when she wants to talk about personal issues.
Everyday she emails me to take break. How can I not go for break with her and she NOT clue in? Not to mention, I need to use words to let her know I will not be going for break
Outisde of work I would tell her TMI (and she is the type that would get offending).
These are the kinds of things that friends talk about. I am not sure what this has to do with your religion.
I would tell anyone TMI when they tell me they use contraceptives because frankly I do think it is TMI and it is a sin against the Catholic religion which is what it has to do with my religion. I have a moral obligation to not encourage sin and say it is wrong
It sounds like you know you have a number of conflicting values but you have kept them to yourself, while still letting her get the idea that you are ready, willing, and able to listen to her talk about things that offend you.
No I do NOT keep them to myself. That is why she knows I think homosexuality is wrong. The things she talks about that I listen to are her problems.
Now is a very good time to develop this important social skill. It is one of the ways you can avoid being painfully blunt, but also communicate important information.
Making excuses is NOT an important social skill. It degrades people. Also, they also will ask questions that just snowball the situation. And honeslty does NOT have to be painfully blunt. The truth can be spoken in love
Of course people do, and they are supposed to! This is the whole point of making the excuse. It is a subtle way of communicating one’s wants and needs that is designed to keep the peace.
Excuses don’t keep the peace. They insult the other person and cause them to resent the excuse giver.
You might want to revise your attitude on this. It is really more confusing and potentially insulting to give mixed messages. At least if you are making polite excuses you can be consistent about the message.
I will NOT revise my attitude about excuses. Yes, mixed messages are bad, but sometimes the person also inerprets the message wrongly. For example, when someone gives me unwanted advise, I will politely say thank-you and not take their advice. This could give the message I wanted their advice or it could give the message I was just being polite.
This is exactly the purpose of polite excuses!
Couln’t disagree more.
 
Easier to just not be friends with them
I quite agree! So it seems the challenge for you is how to be friendly (courteous/cordial) yet keep the relationship within professional parameters. This means that you cannot engage in any of the activities that you would avoid outside work, like listening to her personal problems.
This happens at break mainly and our boss encourages break.
It is a good idea to take your breaks. Can you take them somewhere else, or at a different time than she does? Run an errand? Sit in your car?
I am simply pointing out I was upfront and thus did not mislead her.

guanophore:
You have misled her, albeit unintentionally. You may have been clear with your words, but your actions are opposite. If you listen to her personal problems, you are crossing from a professional relationship into a personal one. Asking you to bring a souvenir is evidence of that. Her knowing you are taking a trip is also evidence of that.
Unfortunately, she will know that is a lie.
No one is saying the advice had to come from the boss. There are other places that people receive guidance in life. Perhaps you can be creative and come up with something else to say that will help you set and keep the boundary you need.
I want to give is we can have a good working relationship and that is where it ends. I just don’t know how to accomplish that tactfully after everything that has happened
It will be awkward for a while, but if you are consistent and repetitive, it will eventually work. This is the main function of polite excuses.
 
How can I not go for break with her and she NOT clue in?
Find other things to do during the break - run an errand or go outside to make a personal phone call. You can be creative.Of course she will get the CLUE! That is the whole point of polite excuses.
I need to use words to let her know I will not be going for break
That will work as well.
I would tell anyone TMI when they tell me they use contraceptives because frankly I do think it is TMI and it is a sin against the Catholic religion which is what it has to do with my religion.
It sounds like you are expecting others who do not share your faith to follow your religious values. This is a whole other problem that will interfere with relationships and make things awkward. Other people using contraception is not a sin in your relationship with God.
I have a moral obligation to not encourage sin and say it is wrong
Yes, you have a moral obligation not to encourage sin, but other people talking about using contraception does not constitute you encouraging them to sin. First we are called to love. Correction comes out of loving relationship.

You are not always obligated to “say it is wrong” when you think another person is committing a sin.
No I do NOT keep them to myself. That is why she knows I think homosexuality is wrong.
Ok. Do you think this is a Catholic position?
The things she talks about that I listen to are her problems.
It seems you need to ask yourself how you are personally benefiting by taking this role with her. It may be meeting some need that you have, which is why it is difficult to keep a boundary there.
 
Making excuses is NOT an important social skill.
Well, we see it differently. You asked for opinions, and you got some.
It degrades people. Also, they also will ask questions that just snowball the situation.
You certainly do seem to have some very strong attitudes about this particular social skill. You may not realize that it is routinely taught in basic social skills classes.
And honeslty does NOT have to be painfully blunt. The truth can be spoken in love
When you told your colleague you expected to be heard in the same way you listened to her, she certainly seemed to take it as painfully blunt and uncharitable. She certainly got defensive for some reason.
Excuses don’t keep the peace. They insult the other person and cause them to resent the excuse giver.
I will accept that you have a negative attitude about it, and are unwilling to develop this important social skill. I am sure you can find another way to extricate yourself from the awkward situation you have gotten into as a result of not exercising this skill.

Perhaps you still have resentments toward others who have given you “clues” this way.
 
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