Awkward moments during mass

[thann]

Oh, I have three more:

Several years ago the Psalm I was cantoring contained the word “prostrate.” I mis-sang it as “prostate.” (I’ll bet no one caught that, though.)

A couple of years ago when I was subbing for the music director, our permanent deacon forgot to say, “The Mass is ended, go in peace” (he was distracted by one of the announcements immediately preceding it). I waited and waited for him to say those words so I could announce the recessional (why the priest didn’t, I have no idea). Finally I quietly said into the mike so he could hear me, “The Mass is ended…” Thankfully he picked up on it.

Lastly, another time I was subbing, this same deacon was having trouble with his mike just before the processional, and indicated to me to test my mike to make sure the sound system was on. My mike was working fine, and I said (into the mike), “I’m turned on, Deacon Pete!” I was completely mortified when I realized what I’d said. *

'thann*

 

[vince2paul]

all very funny

Indeed! I tried my best not to laugh during daily mass today, but I had a huge grin on my face throughout the mass.

It didn’t help that for the first time in my whole life, the priest said** “Body of Christ, Vincent.” **I think it couldn’t have a better timing!

It reminded me of what happened to my friend in post #1 (as below)

My friend also experienced something like that. The priest knows her very well, so when giving the host, he often says “body of christ, Jane” and once my friend replied “thank you.” Then the priest just stared at her until she realized it and said Amen

Well, I definitely enjoy this thread!

 

[Petergee]

I have really enjoyed reading these posts.

And I recall another incident. A friend of mine talked me into going to Mass with her during a time when I was not involved with the Church whatsoever. When it came time for the readings, the lector said, the phrase ‘gold of Ophir’ as ‘gold of Oprah.’ I am not making this up. That still gets me to laugh when I think about it.

At Mass in central Queensland the reader read the Psalm line “Harden not your hearts as at Meribah”, as “Harden not your hearts as at Maryborough” (a city in CQ)

Just recently I was ministering the chalice, I said “The Blood of Christ” and held up the chalice, as usual waiting for the “Amen” before I moved it away from me for the communicant to take. He didn’t say 'Amen" so I just stood there waiting. The communicant, a big, strong man, still said nothing but reached over and grabbed the chalice and pulled it out of my hands. I had to stop gripping it and give in to his tug-of-war otherwise it would have spilt.

 

[CB_Catholic]

My daughter belonged to a very large parish and occassionaly a very elderly retired priest who is in residence will say one of the Sunday Masses. He is getting senile, and I don’t think he sees too well, either. One time he forgot where he was in the Mass and he stopped and looked confused, and the said, “Let’s all say ahe Hail Mary!” We said it, then he recovered himself enough to continue.

Another time he didn’t see the flask of wine sitting on the altar, and at the Consecration he stopped and yelled “We can’t do this without the wine!” , which was sitting in plain view on the altar. One of the altar boys pointed it out to him, but he insisted there was no wine on the altar. He kept yelling “Bring the wine!”, until finally somebody brought him some more wine, and then he was happy and continued with the Consecration. He never did see the first flask that was sitting there in plain sight, poor man.

One time I got off my shift at work and went to the 4pm Mass at our Cathedral which is not too far from my hospital. I had been up since 5am and was very tired and it was warm. During the homily, which was difficult to hear, I fell asleep and pitched forward and hit my head on the pew in front of me. That woke me up, and lo and behold, sittting in that pew were a couple of the doctors I work with. I was sooo embarrassed!

 

[holly_potter]

I love all of these! I keep laughing…

One time, for no reason, the fire alarm went off during Mass, only it didn’t ring. It said, “Warning. Fire Alarm. Warning.” and repeated it several times, lights flashing. It wasn’t terribly loud, but the lector stopped for a while, then tried to continue reading while somebody was sent off to look for the key to turn the alarm off. The fire truck did come, though, and the person also had to tell them it was a false alarm.

Father was a good homilist (is that the word?), and incorporated the “Warning” into his homily, saying that we must all be alert for the hour and watch for danger…it was a good segue to his actual homily. Sadly, he was reassigned

 

[Conciliar]

I just remembered another story.

When I was (much) younger I was in a teen choir. At Easter Vigil one year, the girl next to me had her hair in pigtails. During the candle lighting, she turned her head and one of her pigtails caught fire from the candle she was holding.

Fast forward a few years. I was singing for this same girl’s wedding. During the candle lighting ceremony, she turned her head and her veil caught on fire from the wedding candle!

[in both cases the fires were extinguished immediately and she was just fine]

'thann

This reminded me of something that happened at my senior year retreat.

It wasn’t during Mass, but we had a prayer service during which we had to write a prayer petition on a piece of paper and place it in a box that was positioned in front of a large candle. It was an unusually quiet and solemn setting for a room full of 17 year old boys.

One of my classmates, a tall kid with a big Afro, (hey, it was 1979) very reverently walked up and bent over to place his petition in the box, igniting his hair. As he slowly walked back to his seat, the top of his head was literally smoldering. It smelled terrible too! Everyone started yelling, “Your hair is on fire!”

He obviously paid attention to those old fire safety posters we’d seen as kids, because he promptly did a textbook “stop, drop and roll.” The funniest thing was seeing the top of his head smoldering away as it rotated six inches off the floor like the center of a hubcap rolling down the highway.

Someone finally ran over and covered his head with a jacket and smothered the “fire” and all was well. He wasn’t hurt at all, which I why I can laugh about it now. I went to an all boys Catholic school, so as you can imagine, we all howled about this for rest of the retreat.

 

[lak611]

This reminded me of something that happened at my senior year retreat.

It wasn’t during Mass, but we had a prayer service during which we had to write a prayer petition on a piece of paper and place it in a box that was positioned in front of a large candle. It was an unusually quiet and solemn setting for a room full of 17 year old boys.

One of my classmates, a tall kid with a big Afro, (hey, it was 1979) very reverently walked up and bent over to place his petition in the box, igniting his hair. As he slowly walked back to his seat, the top of his head was literally smoldering. It smelled terrible too! Everyone started yelling, “Your hair is on fire!”

He obviously paid attention to those old fire safety posters we’d seen as kids, because he promptly did a textbook “stop, drop and roll.” The funniest thing was seeing the top of his head smoldering away as it rotated six inches off the floor like the center of a hubcap rolling down the highway.

Someone finally ran over and covered his head with a jacket and smothered the “fire” and all was well. He wasn’t hurt at all, which I why I can laugh about it now. I went to an all boys Catholic school, so as you can imagine, we all howled about this for rest of the retreat.

Oh no! Poor kid. He probably needed a bald fade after that incident.

 

[marchoi]

I remember one mass I was serving… It was a relatively hot day (late May?) and the side doors of the chapel were open to facilitate air flow. Throughout the homily, a bird of sorts could be heard outside, chirping. As Father returned to his seat after the homily, he asked me, “Is that a bird?” And loudly enough that those near the front could hear, he told me, “Go and kill it.”

Later, in that same mass, Father was preparing the gifts. Father pour a little bit of water into the cruet-thing of wine and handed me the water. I turned around to grab the water-bowl and the towel for the lavabo, expecting that part to be next. I turned around, bowl and water in my hand, just in time for Father to finish pouring the wine and hand me the cruet-thing of wine. I certainly had no free hands, and we paused awkwardly for a moment… then both turned around, put down everything we had, and turned to face each other… both empty-handed. It wasn’t quite awkward, but certainly a twist from the usual way of altar serving…

 

[SMHW]

Our church is only a little over ten years old so it has this fairly modern fire alarm system. We had a couple of incidents with incense setting off the alarm and with children who just couldn’t help but pull the nice red handle.

In our case the alarm was electronic and after a few alarm tones this voice comes on saying, “Please evacuate the building…” It kind of made you think of the robot from Lost in Space. “Danger! Danger!” As far as I know, nobody left the building but lots of people would start to look at each other rather uncomfortably.

(The parish purchased some clear plastic covers for the alarm handles. The covers themselves were alarmed with a much softer tone that would scare away pranksters but not summon the fire department.)

 

[homewardbound]

I haven’t been confirmed yet. I was going to the local Newman Center. At a retreat I went to with some other college students Father had told the two of us who were not yet confirmed to feel free to get in line during Communion to get a blessing during Mass and told us how to cross our arms.

A month later I went to Mass there, and decided to get in line. I walked up, with my arms crossed. Father hadn’t looked up and handed me the host saying “The Body of Christ.” I got very embarrassed and flustered, and motioned to my arms with my eyes. He apologized and looked just as mortified and gave me a quick blessing. Definitely am staying in my seat from now on! How awful it felt to be offered the Body of Christ and having to say “no”

 

[CarrieH]

In the city where I used to live, my church was in a rather rough part of town. I was up front as cantor at the Saturday Vigil, sitting in my little chair waiting to sing the Psalm, when I heard quite a ruckus coming from the back of the church. This turned out to be a very intoxicated man who had stumbled into the church, and in the process of making his way toward a place to sit, had knocked over the table containing the gifts. The crystal carafe of wine shattered, and hosts went flying everywhere. I can only thank God that they weren’t consecrated yet! The priest wasn’t too happy about this but he took it in stride, and when it came time for communion, he simply went to the tabernacle and took out the reserved Sacrament. One of the ushers cleaned up the mess at the back during the homily.

Most of the awkward moments I can recall aren’t this dramatic, though. An occasional medical incident, assorted sound-system malfunctions, an “oops” on the part of the cantor who sang the wrong verse of a well-known hymn because she was distracted (oh, that would be me!), and the usual misbehaving-child stories make up the rest. But hey, if any of us were perfect, we wouldn’t need Jesus, now would we?

 

[jusduckymom]

Actually this was just before Mass. I worked at a skilled nursing facility next door to Church and would take a large group of residents to Mass and then to a Senior Luncheon. We had a new resident with a scooter (this was 25 years ago and scooters were new). The protocol was that resident who would be receiving the Eucharist were place up near the altar steps in their wheelchairs. (Seems odd now!)
I was trying to assist the lady in the scooter into position when some how my ankle got between the scooter and the step. My resident was a bit confused and a bit flustered. I kept quietly asking her to back up but she kept driving forward pinning me to the step. I thought my foot was going to snap off. The more I tried to get the scooter to back up the more she kept driving forward . Finally, one of the men in the pew came to my rescue and the Mass was able to start, just a few minutes late. Seniors…you have to love them!

 

[CB_Catholic]

I just remembered a couple of more things.

When my neice was about 3 her parents took her to Christmas Mass and showed her the manger scene and she was fascinated by the baby Jesus. Fast forward to Easter: they took her to Mass and she noticed the Crucifix. She asked her mother who that man was, and her mother told her it was Jesus. She immediately let out a wail and began to scream “THEY KILLED BABY JESUS!” She kept this up until her mother had to take her out of church. She was inconsolable.

We were attending another neice’s wedding wedding in a lovely Orthodox church. It was a beautiful solemn ceremony and I was enjoying it very much, when I heard a sound next to me, and turned my head to see my grandaughter(about 2 at the time) holding one of those hand-held Barbie whirlygig things that spins around and has bright colored lights and makes a loud whirring noise. She had fished it out of her mother’s purse and was having a good time holding it up in the air and watching it spin with the flashing colored lights and making the loud whirring noise. Such a contrast in that beautiful church with that beautiful ceremony! I nearly died holding the laughter in, while her mother was mortified to death…

 

[Mijoy2]

Many years ago when I was a young boy I was at Mass with my family when an elderly woman one row removed from where I was sitting (funny thing I can’t recall if it was one row removed forward or backward from where I was) fell ill in her pew. An ambulance was eventually called and she was taken from the church. After all the commotion when Mass resumed, the priest announced that the woman had passed away.

What a time to be called home.

 

[SeekerJen]

I was not at the Mass, but a friend from church told me that a reader said “Flaming Brassiere” instead of “Flaming Brazier” once. I’m glad I was not at that Mass. I probably would have had a hard time not laughing.

This happened at Mass once when I was younger. I thought the altar boys’ heads would explode from the extreme effort they were putting in trying to hold back their laughter.

One Easter Vigil, I was seated in the choir next to a lovely fellow soprano who for reasons known only to herself, decided that narrating the pre-Exsultet proceedings in a stage whisper would be a good idea. “Oh look, there’s the torch. Oh no, it looks like the deacon is going to bump the candle on the top of the doorway. He needs to watch out. Ah, look at Father’s vestments…” and so on. In an effort to quiet her, I shot her a dirty look, nudged her a couple of times, then finally turned to her and said “You do realize the choir microphones are on and have been on for this entire time, right?” That did the trick.

 

[Like]

In 1958, my wife’s 14 yo protestant sister attended Christmas Midnight Mass with us. Of course the Mass was the TLM. During the Mass she heard the response **“Et cum spiritu tuo” **and in a rather loud voice she said “I heard you Catholics believed in Spirits but, I didn’t know you numbered them!” as I looked for a hole to crawl in.

 

[BritishCatholic]

In 1958, my wife’s 14 yo protestant sister attended Christmas Midnight Mass with us. Of course the Mass was the TLM. During the Mass she heard the response **“Et cum spiritu tuo” **and in a rather loud voice she said “I heard you Catholics believed in Spirits but, I didn’t know you numbered them!” as I looked for a hole to crawl in.

My George that’s funny.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

This happened, like, a zillion years ago. Father was giving his homily and a parishoner, who typically sat in the front row expressed her opinion of Father and/or his homily but reading the paper (diocesan or OSV, can’t be sure) every once in a while shaking it to smooth the folds. Finally, he had enough, and left the pulpit went and grabbed the paper from her hands crumpled it up, and went back to the giving his homily. I think he started over or said something weird he was so rattled.

Another time this same woman, who was known for her disdain for kids, came over to where my family was sitting during the sign of peace and offered her hand. With fear and trepidation I reached my hand toward hers which she sharply removed and reached toward my mom. Um, okay. I felt lucky she didn’t smack me. The organist, who witnessed this, told me I should have pinched her nose.

 

[GandalfTheWhite]

There are two events I can remember.

1.) I was standing in a line (going through the middle of the church) to receive the Eucharist. When I recieved it I started walking in the other direction then where I was sitting. It took me only one or two seconds to realize and so I automatically (without realizing what I’m doing) turned around and started moving in the other direction. But by the time the person in front started making a step forward and the priest was already preparing to give him the Host. I almost crashed into the person and spilled the consecrated hosts. Well, I was lucky I didn’t but I was so embarrassed and automatically put on the “uuups, it wasn’t me” face which probably made things even worse.

1. The organist started playing and made a mistake so that the priest made an annoyed face. For some odd reason I found it funny and really felt the urge to start laughing and for about 5 minutes I stood without moving, trying to control my muscles. You know the feeling when your body simply wants to laugh and you just can’t do anything about it? The five minutes felt like an hour!

 

[James0235]

This actually involves a couple of moments that happened during a parish mission. Thankfully only a few people witnessed each event. But I find them both amusing.

There was a priest (not the pastor) who was at local parish to offer a parish mission. The place was packed each night. This particular night was preparation for confession. There were maybe 8 or 10 priests who agreed to come to offer the sacrament.

In the sacristy before the mission started one of the priests commented to the others about the large number of people who were there. He then suggested just giving them all general absolution. The priest who was offering the mission said something like “Yeah, that’s a great idea! Except it doesn’t work that way”

A little bit later during the preparation for confession, which was basically an examination of conscience, the priest offering the mission said something like “You may be wondering if I’m a conservative priest or a liberal priest. I like to think I am just an orthodox.” The priest who had earlier suggested the general absolution leaned over to the woman next to him and said “I think I’m one of those liberal priests he mentioned.” And she replied “Yes, father. But we love you anyway.”

The “liberal” priest then spent several hours with the other priests hearing the confessions of many, many hundreds of people.

James