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Aleii
Guest
we’ll just have to agree to disagree then, mosher.
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Julianna
Guest
why, does it make you sick?
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BLB_Oregon
Guest
Of course you are right about the diaper genie and the breast pump, but there are girls who romanticize having a baby and what that means. Just as there are those who think marriage is all about a big white dress and having stylish friends as bridesmaids, there are girls who think that having a baby is all peek-a-boo and cute little outfits, as if they were having a doll. Some even see it as a way to cement their relationship with their partner.
Having said that, I don’t think that a girl who is remotely close to any teen parents will hang on to that fantasy for long, especially if the couple’s own parents see to it that they take their responsibilities seriously.
Babysitting (aka parenting!) and getting a job when you’re not studying to better yourself in place of 95% of your former social life has a sobering effect. Yet that is what parenthood calls for. What moms (or dads) call a social life isn’t any teen’s dream!
Again, I think back to girls I knew who got pregnant in high school. Seeing that they got a baby shower wouldn’t have sweetened the pot!
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gam197
Guest
This issue is not about baby showers only. Do we just go along with everything that happens and say it OK. By attending showers and constantly looking the other way, not noticing if they have living together, etc., are we helping the situation or adding to the confusion?
My other daughter dated in college a boyfriend for four years whom she loved deeply. He seem to feel the same way. Yet when she went away for a study period, he met a girl in the same circle of friends with a small child and next thing she is pregnant. My daughter had not been having sex and it was an issue in this relationship. They were talking marriage… As it turned out, he then wanted to go back with my daughter. She felt she should stay out of it because there was a child involved.
My other daughter dated in college a boyfriend for four years whom she loved deeply. He seem to feel the same way. Yet when she went away for a study period, he met a girl in the same circle of friends with a small child and next thing she is pregnant. My daughter had not been having sex and it was an issue in this relationship. They were talking marriage… As it turned out, he then wanted to go back with my daughter. She felt she should stay out of it because there was a child involved.
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LeahInancsi
Guest
I hope she stayed of it permanently. If he cheated on her once, there a good chance he may do it again after they’re married. It’s good she found out before they married.
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gam197
Guest
I’m not sure he would have cheated on her if married. I think it was just something that happened but it sure changed everything.
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BLB_Oregon
Guest
I wouldn’t marry somebody who thought that sexual intercourse was something that “just happens”, though.
It would be heart-breaking to have a relationship in which you thought you might marry someone, only to come back and find them preparing to marry someone else that they found in your absence. Nevertheless, that might be something that “just happens.” Being too chicken to communicate the truth during the absence would be very wrong, but as the commitment to the old relationship was more-or-less tenuous and the commitment to the new one very deep, the offense would be less.
But leaving one relationship to father a child in another and then expecting to come back to the first…that is beyond the pale. There would certainly have to be a lengthy period of waiting before marriage would be back on the table, if ever. That would have had to have been one spectacularly good relationship, if it were to survive that.
As you said, it would have to be abundantly clear that a) the mother of his child had no desire nor intention of marrying him for an extended period and b) that the woman considering marrying this guy had seriously considered what she was getting into by marrying a man who already had a child without the benefit of marriage.
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boppaid
Guest
Because when we (as a pro-life group) counsel pregnant teens and single women to have their babies, we promise them a way to make it work. “Don’t abort your baby, it’ll work out” “God has a plan to help you”, “We have support services for you”. When we counsel pregnant teens and single women in our family and circle of friends we say things like “Don’t abort your baby. I’ll help you. I’ll care for you. You’ll have family and friends around”
Then when young girls and single women decide to have this baby, despite their fear of ridicule, financial standing, schooling, etc., because of the words of encouragement friends, families, and right to lifers give, they are then SHUNNED, made to feel ashamed, made to feel that their babies cannot be showered with gifts, love, happiness. Made to feel as if they have a dark cloud over them throughout their pregnancy. Made to feel embarrassed. Made to feel unworthy. Made to be punished by PEOPLE, then that makes me sad. Incredibly sad. And sick to my stomach. And embarrassed that some pro-lifers act like that. It makes me realize why the pro-life movement has such a bad name.
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setter
Guest
Let’s reward their life choices, but not their sinful behavior. It is important to the impressionable to not confuse the two.
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boppaid
Guest
I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying. To reward their life choices, would be to throw the shower. How is celebrating the upcoming birth of new life rewarding their sinful behavior? Are you a sinner? Aren’t we all? We need to move past the sin, because everyone sins, and they are no worse than you & I. We need to move toward celebrating new life and making the pregnant girl feel happy and relieved that she did, indeed, choose life. It’s not about judgement. It’s not about condemnation. It’s about love, forgiveness, acceptance, and then joy. Jesus wouldn’t continually punish a repentant sinner. Why should we?
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setter
Guest
Absolutely assist the young pregnant mother with emotional and practical helps = Reward her life choice. But a “party” for an out of wedlock conception? Why should the soon to be mother not want to pass on possibly sending the mixed message of condoning her sin, and reserve a “party” for the one’s who chose the better way? But, I can see your point taken, and concede that the circumstances and disposition of the pregant mother should be taken into account – also do not want to send a mixed message to the pregnant mother.
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gam197
Guest
My daughter didn’t think that. I think that sometimes young people get involved in sex without thinking. Happens all the time here. I am not condoning it.
The commitment to the the new one wasn’t deep or he would not have tried to get back together. Yet there was nothing that could be done.
It sounds like you think only innocent girls are getting pregnant. I don’t think that is true. Some are making the choice to engage in sex freely. Some may feel embarrassed but many don’t. It’s pretty well accepted. Why would they have free daycare at the high schools if it wasn’t OK?
Many people live together. That is OK too.
Many would refuse but how about doing away with showers in general and just giving gifts to the homes.
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Julianna
Guest
I guess adoption is out of the question as far as “counseling” goes, is it? It many cases it won’t “work out”, as the unwed mother has “no education”, “no visible means of support (financial)” and no “work/job experience”. This is especially true if the sperm donor, takes a hike. I find it ironic that the sperm donor gets a wink and nod, and no one mentions him at all, only “shame” upon the girl. How sad.
It is nice to say, “choose life”, but it’s another to “back it up” with support. In cases such as this, especially in a teen situation, adoption is the best call. I have been blasted to space about my daughter. I really don’t care…her baby needed to be with a two parent family who is emotionally and financially stable to raise him, period. It is not incumbent upon the parents of the “daughter” are to take over parental duties and raise the child.
You all make think my husband and I forced our daughter into adoption. Think what you wish, our concern was for the BABY, and what was best for him. My daughter had to take a back seat to that. You all “care” that LIFE comes into the world, but stop dead short as soon as the child takes its first breath…then you all “jump” ship with nary a concern about the “quality” of life that child will live in from that moment on.
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JimG
Guest
I would guess that it is just this line of thinking that goes through the minds of many teens.
I certainly hope not. Adoption is usually the best choice for the child, although it does require a great deal of courage on the part of the mother.
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boppaid
Guest
Not in my experience. In fact, adoption is always an option in pro-life counseling. It’s oftentimes one of the first options mentioned. However, forcing someone to adopt out is what I have issue with. In the same way I was upset at my friend’s dad who basically foced his daughter into having an abortion. We can counsel young mothers, but we should never force them into any of their options
Again, this is just my opinion. I’m sure others disagree.
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newf
Guest
Julianna, your posts on this subject are some of the best. You are a very courageous mom who did what most here wouldn’t have the guts to do. And you did it because of the LOVE you have for your grandchild and your daughter. I got that message from you loud and clear.
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Kendy
Guest
I volunteer at a crisis pregancy center and we throw a big party every year for every woman who keeps her child and we give them lots of gifts (useful stuff for their babies). It is very important that these young women feel that we are excited about their babies. We need them to believe that the child is a wonderful blessing; that’s how we help them choose life.
Kendy
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a_priori
Guest
There’s an old cliche that Christians are the only people who shoot their wounded.
When 23 chromosomes meet 23 chromosomes and a zygote is created, a new life begins- a life for whom Christ died. Being pregnant is not a sin. Everyone here has the ugliness of sin in their lives. Some people’s sin is just a tad more visible than others. But we all have it, so no one has the high ground here.
This “entity” we are so afraid to acknowledge and celibrate is the very pinnacle of God’s creative handiwork. Nothing has more value. We should act accordingly.
“Let all babies be born. Then let us drown the ones we do not like.” -Chesterton
When 23 chromosomes meet 23 chromosomes and a zygote is created, a new life begins- a life for whom Christ died. Being pregnant is not a sin. Everyone here has the ugliness of sin in their lives. Some people’s sin is just a tad more visible than others. But we all have it, so no one has the high ground here.
This “entity” we are so afraid to acknowledge and celibrate is the very pinnacle of God’s creative handiwork. Nothing has more value. We should act accordingly.
“Let all babies be born. Then let us drown the ones we do not like.” -Chesterton
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boppaid
Guest
That is one of the most beautiful and well-written posts I’ve ever read.
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Catholic_Mike
Guest
No one questions the need for moral guidance, but you shouldn’t be hamfisted about it. Permarital sex is bad, but pregnancy is good.
moshher:
People need to support the mother too. Unless you have cause for thinking they are unrepentent about the sin, and you’re unable to discuss the issue to make your opinion known, there’s no reason to think that having a shower would be seen as an endorsement of that sin.
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