Bad Confession Experiences - What to Make of Them?

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iwillrisenowinfaith

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Most of my experiences with the Sacrament of Confession range from healing to incredibly healing and restorative. There have been, however, a handful of…shall we say…extra opportunities to receive the grace of humility. Today’s was one such experience.

I went to the Sacrament at a more conservative church in my area, intending to start the long holiday weekend with it as well as morning Mass. And it was fine…until we got to the act of contrition.

When I was a new Catholic, I always read the standard act of contrition (“Oh my God…”). But recently, I wrote and began reciting my own brief prayer. But this priest was having none of it! He was like “OK, now say your act of contrition, ‘Oh my God…’” and I tried to tell him that I usually say my own while fumbling for the note on my phone, telling him to give me a moment. He was not particularly patient. He kept telling me to just say it and was like “I need to HEAR it.” I just read the generic one and left the church immediately, only pausing to do my penance once I was far away (no morning Mass for me today)! I’m laughing now but was pretty shocked for a good fifteen minutes afterwards.

In hindsight, this is a very mild “bad” confession…but I understand why many Catholics fear the sacrament, especially if they haven’t been to it in a while. Some priests will come at you for not being the ideal type of Catholic that they imagine in their heads. I had another experience at this same parish where I was having a particularly difficult time with my faith and even having a lot of doubts (I actually broke down in tears in the confessional, the only time that’s happened), but what I got was a lecture on how the abuse crisis happened because of people not being certain and strong about their faith.

As someone who didn’t grow up Catholic, what the Church asks of us with the sacrament is a tremendous act of trust and vulnerability, particularly if we’re someone who the priest may not be able to relate to for whatever reason. I’ve seen some people say something along the lines of we get the confession we deserve…but that’s a frightening thought when we’re often speaking to someone behind a screen who may not know the depths of what we’re going through (and may have little to no compassion for experiences that they, as male priests living out a vocation, may not be able to relate to, respect, understand, or care about).

Does anyone have similar experiences and/or thoughts on how we can view bad confession experiences, particularly when we’re going through other challenges in life then get a rough confession on top of it?
 
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Bad confessions happen.

The fact that a priest wanted to hear a standard form of Act of Contrition is, as you said, a very mild “bad confession”. If you knew the church was “more conservative” then it’s not terribly unexpected that the priest did not want to hear your own personal prayer that you made up. I would just take it as a lesson in humility and move on.

Regarding the more concerning “bad confessions” where the priest might yell or say things that seem totally off base or not helpful, it’s like a bad day at work where the boss was super cranky or a presentation went badly, or a bad day driving your car when everybody else seems to be driving like they just got their license yesterday and cut you off and honked the horn and shouted. You feel a little upset, you complain to your friends or try to take your mind off it, but you don’t stop going to work or driving your car, and you try to do things better next time (like drive on a less busy road or do stuff that might make the boss less upset next time or find a new boss).

When I have a haywire confession, first I doublecheck myself to make sure the priest didn’t say anything that was actually useful and it’s not a case of me just not wanting to hear it. Once I determine that what he said was actually NOT useful, I then do the following:
  1. Offer up my annoyance at the “bad” confession to God
  2. Pray for the priest, as I usually pray for anybody who annoys me
  3. Plan on going to a different priest the next time
  4. If I said or did anything in the confession that seemed to bring on the problem, I plan to change that for the next confession.
Then I forget about it. I go to confession every couple weeks and rarely go to the same priest twice so there’s always another confession coming over the next hill. No need to fixate on one.
 
I´m sorry you had a couple of bad experiences. It´s not supposed to be like that… Unfortunatley there are some priests who seemingly not put in effort to help you make a good Confession. For at least; know that most priests are either OK or better.

I´ve been to quite a lot of Confessions during the two years of which I´ve been Catholic. And for the record; I haven´t been to any “really bad” Confessions.
 
I am an Anglican but will become Catholic. My church believes in Confession, but it is somewhat different to the way Catholic Confession is. About a year ago, I went to Confession with my Pastor. I had a very serious sin on my soul and did not like the way my pastor handles the situation and I felt judged. It was then, I realized I could never go to Confession at my church again. You are allowed to make up your own Act of Confession, but more conservative priests might not be too happy about it. However, no priest should be mean to you, or yell at you or judge you in any way. I would plan on going to a different priest and I would also review what I said in my Confession. Try not to be too upset. I am sorry you have had bad experiences.
 
I doubt that the issue was a non-standard Act of Contrition. It was that the priest could not start absolving you until he started to hear some Act of Contrition.

Obviously Confession is very overwhelming. But keeping things moving along is one of the ways that priests help us deal with it! It is not obvious, but it is true. A lot of us could stay in the box all day and turn into puddles (like me!), and no other soul would get a turn.

So it is important to memorize the Act of Contrition one uses (or at least the start for as long as it takes you to get out the phone), or to write it down in big dark letters on a card and put it in your pocket. Then you can help Father get you absolved, and get on with your penance and your freedom from sin.

In general, you might want to avoid the phone in the confessional so priests do not think they are being recorded. But if you use it to read off texts (which is fine!), have them tabbed and ready.

(I totally feel for you. I am easy to fluster, and I was taught an Act of Contrition as a child that is no longer the standard -anywhere-, because it was transitional between the commonest pre-Vatican II prayer and several post-Vatican II ones. Mr. Paper Card and Mr. Confessional Booklet are my friends.)
 
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The worst confession for me, was the priest that tried to psychoanalyze me. It was horrible. He pulled out a color chart with words like “sad, happy, depressed, joyful, etc”. I still don’t know why he thought that it would be helpful. Confession took a few minutes, but the analysis took at least 30 mins. I won’t be back to that priest again unless in an emergency.

The best, but also another horrible confession was my first confession after being away from the Church for about 15 years. I was a total wreck, and the priest was truly “in the person of Christ”. Maybe sometimes priests have “bad confession experiences” as well.
 
Thanks for all your comments on this and for sharing your own experiences as well for those who did. This morning’s “bad confession” is already a distant memory (not to go into detail but, for the record, it wasn’t a long confession - maybe about a minute tops - and I usually have my notes pulled up, just got caught by surprise when there was a short line). I’ll admit I had no idea that saying your own Act of Contrition was ever discouraged or not allowed in any Catholic church (conservative or otherwise). I’d only ever come across the opposite (priests who encourage saying your own act or using one of the standards ones, both options being acceptable…or just saying something like “Now say your act of contrition” without indicating any specific requirements beyond that). So lesson learned there!

I’m thinking about how vulnerable we really are when we receive the sacrament…it takes a lot of trust to be able to go in there, which is why we need the grace of God to do it often times, perhaps. I will say that the majority of my experiences (even a couple others at the more conservative church over the years) have been on the positive end of things, even very positive. It’s a wonderful sacrament.
 
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iwillrisenowinfaith said:
I’m thinking about how vulnerable we really are when we receive the sacrament…it takes a lot of trust to be able to go in there, which is why we need the grace of God to do it often times, perhaps
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I’ll comment on this since you’ve brought it up twice. I frankly don’t think we need a lot of “trust” to go in there, except in God’s mercy, nor are we “vulnerable” if we use the Sacrament for what it’s supposed to be used for. Namely: Telling our sins, expressing contrition, and receiving absolution. That’s it. And I think people were more aware of confession being very simple like that when they went every week. You go every week, you spend 5 minutes, it’s not a big earthshattering encounter, it’s just Father so-and-so and the same ol’ same ol’.

The problem is that people nowadays do not go very often and this increases both the fear and confusion factor and also the expectations when you do go. People are expecting the priest to drop some gems of wisdom or to give them advice. Maybe some of the priests feel that’s what they should be doing too. I’m pretty sure the priests are also very conscious that if they say something wrong in there it might cause someone to leave the church.

I was unfortunately one of those people who let a bad experience with my family member involving confession - it wasn’t even the fault of a priest - plus my own sinful behavior create a reluctance in me to go to confession. The result being that I probably spent about 15 years going to confession only once or twice a year, stressing about it most times I went, and making not very good confessions, and then spent another 18 years not going at all. When I finally went back, I took up a devotion that made me go at minimum once a month and usually now more like twice a month. The frequency of going made it less scary and more ordinary. It is now like a trip to the grocery store instead of a dreaded annual visit to the dentist when you’re scared of dentists.

Just do it a lot, avoid any priest who’s not helpful, and don’t over-analyze, over-intellectualize, or over-expectationize it. Just think of it like scrubbing the floor or brushing your teeth. You will feel less “vulnerable” and less like if you don’t get the good answer back it will be a catastrophe.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
Just do it a lot, avoid any priest who’s not helpful, and don’t over-analyze, over-intellectualize, or over-expectationize it. Just think of it like scrubbing the floor or brushing your teeth. You will feel less “vulnerable” and less like if you don’t get the good answer back it will be a catastrophe.
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This^^

I’ve had mediocre and poor confessions, but the important part is that I was absolved and grace was still imparted. My relationship with Jesus and the Church was mended. I make a point to only go back to those priests when needed, but if I need to, I still do it, because ultimately, the job gets done.
 
I have had probably 4 or 5 bad confession experiences that left me confused, misguided, and hurt.

I don’t an won’t ever let an ignorant priest ruin a sacrament especially reconciliation, for me.

Personally all I do is chalk it up to his problem not mine, an my sins have been absolved, I at least tried to do the right thing. An go find a better priest to hear my confession the next time around. Pending how bad someone feels a confession is, least for me, so far I have not felt it bad enough to confront the priest when it happens, usually I am too shocked to think quick enough to reply or confront, but if it came down to it I wouldn’t hesitate to report it to the Bishop on my experience an let it go from there.
 
I tend to agree, perhaps it is more an issue the priest didn’t have time to wait for you to find your act of contrition. And depending on his age and if he could see, I am sure having someone use his phone in confession could have perhaps irked him. Some people (like me) just can’t stand cell phones.

Yes, we are vulnerable, but sadly, that is looking at it from the human side. This priest main function was to give you absolution. God is the one really in control and the fact the priest made it unpleasant doesn’t change the fact you received grace
 
iwillrisenowinfaith said:
I’ll admit I had no idea that saying your own Act of Contrition was ever discouraged or not allowed in any Catholic church (conservative or otherwise). I’d only ever come across the opposite (priests who encourage saying your own act or using one of the standards ones, both options being acceptable…or just saying something like “Now say your act of contrition” without indicating any specific requirements beyond that). So lesson learned there!
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Actually, the Rite does allow for for saying your own act of contrition:
PRAYER OF THE PENITENT AND ABSOLUTION
  1. The priest then asks the penitent to express his sorrow, which the penitent may do in these or similar words:
My God, I am sorry for my sins with all my heart. In choosing to do wrong and failing to do good, I have sinned against you whom I should love above all things. I firmly intend, with your help, to do penance, to sin no more, and to avoid whatever leads me to sin. Our Savior Jesus Christ suffered and died for us. In his name, my God, have mercy.

Other prayers of the penitent may be chosen from nos. 85-92.

Or:

Lord Jesus, Son of God have mercy on me, a sinner.
 
For the past several or more years, I have seldom said a formal act of contrition in the confessional. The priests in my former parish nearly always gave a penance then said to say the act of contrition in the pew. Then gave the absolution and that was it. Done. Mostly it was because there was usually a line and they wanted to keep it moving.

After reciting my sins I would end with something like this: “I am sorry for these and all the sins of my past life.” That signals that I am finished, but it also is a short act of contrition. But even without that the priest would ask us to say the act of contrition in the pew, not in the confessional.
 
JimG said:
For the past several or more years, I have seldom said a formal act of contrition in the confessional.
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Many if not most of the priests I go to (I go in a lot of different parishes) require you to say it. They will tell you to say it. There is generally a card taped to the penitent’s kneeler or the partition that the penitent can read the Act off of. I have maybe been told once to “say it in the pew” when I arrived later in the confession time window and the priest was clearly rushing because he had to get ready for Mass in a couple minutes.
Those who do not require it be said will generally ask some question that you’re supposed to affirmatively answer, like, “And you’re sorry for all your sins and you won’t be doing these things again?” and you’re suposed to say “Yes, I’m sorry and I won’t.”
 
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Tis_Bearself said:
"And you’re sorry for all your sins and you won’t be doing these things again?” and you’re suposed to say “Yes, I’m sorry and I won’t.”
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I’ve never once had a priest ask me if I won’t be doing these things again. Im glad because it’s not like I could honestly answer no.
 
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I can’t say I’ve ever had a bad confession, and I go at least once every couple of weeks across 5-6 different parishes.

The only “bad” confession experiences I’ve had are when a Church website or bulletin publishes a confession time and it doesn’t happen, or when the priest for some reason decides not to hear them before Mass like usual. Or I’ve made special trips to go to confession, only to find a note on the Church doors saying it’s been canceled for the day.
 
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I wouldn’t call this a “bad” confession, not to say that I wouldn’t have been shocked too. Consider turning the focus of this lesson away from the priest, and back onto yourself. You went there for the “grace of humility.” And you ended up getting your pride challenged in a surprising way. Having to set aside your own act of contrition and recite the “real” Act of Contrition could be interpreted as acting directly on a person’s “excessive pride.” After I got over being butthurt, this would be my take-away from this “bad” confession. You were especially blessed.
 
I never had a priest ask me that either…even through the 70s ‘spirit’ of Vatican II years.
 
Before, people went to confession more often. But now, since I have become Catholic, we have rather limited confession times, and the priests really don’t seem to be anticipating that adults come very often at all. We were told in RCIA to go to Reconciliation once during Lent and once during Advent, unless we had something important that we really had to say in between. Father seems to think the same way. We’re welcome to go, of course, just it would be a little surprising.

I have enjoyed all of the confessions I have done so far. No bad experiences, although the RCIA teacher assures me that I will have a bad experience sooner or later. Just holding my breath!
 
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