I can’t help but think about the courage it took for the first Christians to take that GIANT leap of faith. Just imagine a family of Jews having to make that decision, and pretty much with none of the resources we have today. The New Testament wasn’t even on paper yet, it was walking and talking, it was living. Believing Jesus was the Messiah was ONE step, the second step was believing what the Messiah said. It seems many made that first difficult leap of faith, then one day Jesus said something that floored His new followers, and it even floored His closest oldest followers and friends, the Apostles,
“You must eat my flesh and drink my blood.”
Hmmm, hard saying! Especially even harder hearing for the first time, no Bible to explain, no Church to clarify yet, just Jesus in the live giving the Bread of Life discourse in a very serious mood.
Being born Catholic, we have that belief instilled in us from the beginning, so it’s easier to accept. But for you, in a way you are kind of on that hill all those years ago with the other disciples who had been following Jesus. I guess what I’m trying to say is that you have a mountain of courage to even be considering taking that leap of faith, to believe something so hard! And to think what is involved to take that leap, it isn’t just about you, but also your family and friends. God bless you for seeking the Truth.
You know, during that discourse, when many of Jesus disciples walked away, He also said “No one comes to Me unless the Father draws him.” It certainly seems you are being drawn, not to a symbol, but to the Real & Present Body & Blood of Christ. We all will certainly pray for you, but if you want real discernment, go find an addoration chapel and spend some time before the Most Holy & Blessed Sacrament. May be hard to do right now until the corona stuff subsides, but hope you will consider when things settle down.
You probably already know in your heart that the early Christians never debated over such a hard belief, it was the one thing that was very understood and not up for debate. You are fortunate to have a treasure trove of early Christian writings, while they are not Scripture, they are a very true history describing the beliefs and practices of the new Christian religion. Those folks had courage as well, knowing their belief might cost them their life.
May the Holy Spirit be with you and guide you!