Being Catholic with some much evil is breaking me down

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goldenbear

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Hello everyone, my name is Goldenbear. I’m 47 years old. Was married for 22 years and I’m not divorced. I very bad self-esteem issues and this is what caused my divorce. I’m not into another relationship and I’m still having problems. I don’t feel worthy of being here sometimes. But, I know God has me here until he says it’s time. I have a problem with feel unattractive, ugly and other women look better than me. My ex-husband had and has a pornography problem. I’m not a well person. I have a transplanted heart pump due to Congestive Heart Failure. I’m in a new relationship with someone that I knew 24 years ago and most of the time our relationship is good. We attend church and truly believe in the Lord. He told me that he would never do what my ex-husband had mentally put me through. However, I still insecure that he could be looking at these things. When angry, I really tend to “blow” up, cry and act uncontrollably. I got really upset with him the other night because I was in bed, getting up to go to the restroom, and saw that he was watching TV with some pornography in it. He tells me that He was changing the channels around and that I happen to catch this channel. I went balistic!. My question is: How do I as a child of God deal with this. Should I believe him? I can’t stand anyone who would be near this stuff. I’m asking God to heal my soul of hurt and pain. Any suggestions? :(Please.😦
 
I think that people that need to heal should not start new relationships…Use your energy to become closer to Jesus…go to church everyday, pray everyday…break up with this person…God Bless You…stay strong through Jesus…
 
Hi goldenbear. I have had some of the same feelings as you, but I am confused.

You say you are “not divorced” but then say your low self esteem caused the divorce, so at this point I’m guessing you meant “now divorced” instead.

If you are divorced but not anulled, you should not be in another relationship at all. If you are anulled but still have these feelings of inadequacy, I think you should take it slow and either drop the relationship or keep it neutral for a while during which time you should pray and get closer to God. In doing that, some of your inadequate feelings may be healed (if not a great deal of them) and you can get a better perspective on things.

Take it from someone who is divorced and looked right after the divorce to find someone else and when they were found I discovered this was not what God wanted of me. I’m just going to start the anullment process but it’s been about 8 years and I’ve not been in a relationship with anyone but God. It’s actually been very liberating for me leading a celibate life and not wanting to be in another relationship. I can focus on what God wants in my life and I don’t have to worry about how attractive I am to others, even if I believe I am not attractive myself.

My advice is to take a break on your relationships for a while. And perhaps attend a retreat to begin with.

God Bless,
Snert
 
goldenbear,

It’s a sad reality that, in our present culture, *most *men struggle with pornography (or, at least, things that approach being pornography). If you ask a guy to guarantee to you that he has never had a pornography problem, you are probably asking him to lie.

I am a loving father of three, and I have a porn problem. It’s under control at the moment, but it is an addiction, and like all addictions it takes root in the psyche. It has nothing to do with my wife being inadequate; it has nothing to do with my wife, whatsoever. It is a compulsion.

Of course, when I sin, I damage my relationship with my wife. But, if my wife (who knows about the problem) expresses distrust in me, she is sinning. Her role is to receive grace from God to trust me, and only her trust will make me trustworthy. She shared with me recently how hard it is to trust.

Men need accountability partners, but these cannot be their wives. Of course, some men show no willingness to seek God in this area, and to be changed by Him. But most men do know that it is wrong, and they just want help to bring themselves to freedom.

There a book called “Every Woman’s Battle,” I believe. It might be worth reading.
 
I’m not into another relationship and I’m still having problems. I don’t feel worthy of being here sometimes. … I’m in a new relationship with someone that I knew 24 years ago and most of the time our relationship is good.
**Aside from saying you weren’t divorced then saying you were, you first said you were not in a relationship, then you said you were.

Which is it?**
 
bpbasilphx said:
I’m not into another relationship and I’m still having problems. I don’t feel worthy of being here sometimes. … I’m in a new relationship with someone that I knew 24 years ago and most of the time our relationship is good.
**Aside from saying you weren’t divorced then saying you were, you first said you were not in a relationship, then you said you were.

Which is it?**
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I think she is making typographical errors and hitting the “t” instead of the “w”.
 
*(((goldenbear))) I will keep you in my prayers, and will come back to write more later. Met you in ‘meet and greet,’ and a nice warm welcome to you again. :hug1: *
 
Prayers.

I would suggest you free yourself of illicit romantic involvements, focus on getting your spiritual self back in communion with God, see a Priest and maybe a Catholic Counselor.
 
Prodigal_Son said:
goldenbear,

It’s a sad reality that, in our present culture, *most *men struggle with pornography (or, at least, things that approach being pornography). If you ask a guy to guarantee to you that he has never had a pornography problem, you are probably asking him to lie.

I am a loving father of three, and I have a porn problem. It’s under control at the moment, but it is an addiction, and like all addictions it takes root in the psyche. ** It has nothing to do with my wife being inadequate; it has nothing to do with my wife, whatsoever. It is a compulsion.**
Of course, when I sin, I damage my relationship with my wife. But, if my wife (who knows about the problem) expresses distrust in me, she is sinning. Her role is to receive grace from God to trust me, and only her trust will make me trustworthy. She shared with me recently how hard it is to trust.

Men need accountability partners, but these cannot be their wives. Of course, some men show no willingness to seek God in this area, and to be changed by Him. But most men do know that it is wrong, and they just want help to bring themselves to freedom.

There a book called “Every Woman’s Battle,” I believe. It might be worth reading.
Click to expand...
Come on man,
What if your wife came home and said:“I just had sex with three male prostitutes but hey it does not have anything to do with you. I am just a sex addict”. Cant you hear how insane that sounds?
It’s clear nonsense to say it has nothing to do with your wife.
You wife is not wrong to distrust you if you have many times proven you cannot be trusted.
Dont project your sins on to her. If you created distrust then thats YOUR sin, not hers.
Get the garbage out of your life, whether you have to cut out the computer or the TV from your life altogether. Can’t you see you are hurting both your wife, your marriage and your children. You are a loving father… I would be full of rage and loose trust in men if I learned my father was having sex with over dimensioned women on a screen while my mom was in the bed weeping.
Get real.
Nothing to do with my wife… hello?! I can’t stand that nonsense anymore. 😦
 
GraceDK said:
Come on man,
What if your wife came home and said:“I just had sex with three male prostitutes but hey it does not have anything to do with you. I am just a sex addict”. Cant you hear how insane that sounds?
It’s clear nonsense to say it has nothing to do with your wife.
You wife is not wrong to distrust you if you have many times proven you cannot be trusted.
Dont project your sins on to her. If you created distrust then thats YOUR sin, not hers.
Get the garbage out of your life, whether you have to cut out the computer or the TV from your life altogether. Can’t you see you are hurting both your wife, your marriage and your children. You are a loving father… I would be full of rage and loose trust in men if I learned my father was having sex with over dimensioned women on a screen while my mom was in the bed weeping.
Get real.
Nothing to do with my wife… hello?! I can’t stand that nonsense anymore. 😦
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I thought I’d share my two cents. What ProdigalSon is saying is that he isn’t drawn to porn because his wife is not satisfying him in some way, it is a compulsion, but from a betrayal standpoint, it has EVERYTHING to do with the wife. The wife can’t help but feel betrayed by a husband who is ‘addicted’ to porn. I believe that it’s no different than someone who is addicted to nicotine, or alcohol. We tend to be a little more understanding in that way, but when we make anything an idol, porn, alcohol, shopping, food, things, etc…it gets in the way of all we can be for the Lord. The Lord simply can’t use us properly if we have one eye on Him, but the other on whatever it is we’re addicted to. Same with porn. It takes more than cutting the computer cord, to ban one’s self of this awful habit. It takes therapy, it takes prayer, and it does take a wife that will help you through.

I was never addicted to porn, but my dh and I viewed it in our marriage, and I can attest to the fact that it somehow distorts the true beauty of marital sex. And unfortunately, when a man is addicted, being that he is a visual creature, he has a very hard time ridding his mind of the images. Doesn’t mean he thinks the porn people are ‘hotter’ or better than his wife, it is just an addiction. But…BUT…one must work hard to rid him/herself of the habit, and not make excuses for the behavior. I don’t think PS was making excuses, he was just explaining how hard of a sin it is to get over, for a man.

I don’t honestly know what I would do if me dh were secretly (or overtly) viewing porn at this stage in our marriage. But, I will say, that because I viewed it (and didn’t dislike it, so it took me a while to adjust to our stopping of viewing it together) I can see what draws a man in to that ‘world,’ if you will. I definitely would ask him to seek therapy, join a support group…and pray pray pray…if my dh say refused to get help, I would have to make a different set of decisions.

Hope that helps. *
 
Prodigal_Son said:
goldenbear,

It’s a sad reality that, in our present culture, *most *men struggle with pornography (or, at least, things that approach being pornography). If you ask a guy to guarantee to you that he has never had a pornography problem, you are probably asking him to lie.

I am a loving father of three, and I have a porn problem. It’s under control at the moment, but it is an addiction, and like all addictions it takes root in the psyche. It has nothing to do with my wife being inadequate; it has nothing to do with my wife, whatsoever. It is a compulsion.

Of course, when I sin, I damage my relationship with my wife. But, if my wife (who knows about the problem) expresses distrust in me, she is sinning. Her role is to receive grace from God to trust me, and only her trust will make me trustworthy. She shared with me recently how hard it is to trust.

Men need accountability partners, but these cannot be their wives. Of course, some men show no willingness to seek God in this area, and to be changed by Him. But most men do know that it is wrong, and they just want help to bring themselves to freedom.

There a book called “Every Woman’s Battle,” I believe. It might be worth reading.
Click to expand...
*Um, I don’t believe that your wife would be sinning if you in fact are still viewing porn, and she is angry over it. :confused: She might have good reason right now not to trust you,if you are still viewing porn, even if on occasion. It’s unfair to tell a wife that she is sinning, if you are giving her reasons not to trust you, I’m afraid. If you have been clean for years from porn, and she still mistrusted you, that would be different. But, it sounds like you still have momentary lapses, which we are all human and this is your struggle, and in that case, you can’t expect your wife to not get angry over it. It’s a strange kind of addiction, because it directly hurts another person. Smoking, alcohol, drugs…they all hurt the person who has the addiction, but…indirectly, it will eventually hurt those around the person. Porn is like a daggar, immediately to a woman’s heart…you can’t expect your wife to always react the way you’d like, if you don’t act the way you should, all of the time. :o I have you in my prayers, I pray you kick this habit, and never turn back. *
 
GraceDK said:
Come on man,
What if your wife came home and said:“I just had sex with three male prostitutes but hey it does not have anything to do with you. I am just a sex addict”. Cant you hear how insane that sounds?
It’s clear nonsense to say it has nothing to do with your wife.
You wife is not wrong to distrust you if you have many times proven you cannot be trusted.
Dont project your sins on to her. If you created distrust then thats YOUR sin, not hers.
Get the garbage out of your life, whether you have to cut out the computer or the TV from your life altogether. Can’t you see you are hurting both your wife, your marriage and your children. You are a loving father… I would be full of rage and loose trust in men if I learned my father was having sex with over dimensioned women on a screen while my mom was in the bed weeping.
Get real.
Nothing to do with my wife… hello?! I can’t stand that nonsense anymore. 😦
Click to expand...
Hi GraceDK I understand what you are saying but remember that porn is an addiction like any other, and it hurts all those around the person whom watches or participates in it… And it doesn’t have to do with his wife I am sure he knows he has a problem, thus he admitted to it, but he’s trying his best to move on from this and be what GOD has called him to be, which is a good father… All we can offer for those whom suffer from this addiction is prayers…Lots of them…

To the OP, dear you sound like my bfs mother. Just recently my bf went to her mother’s wedding, about 2 weeks ago…She is barely a widdow and all ready married to someone else. She didn’t even wait 6 months after her hubby died. It hit my bf really hard, she was depressed for a while too…It was very hard for her to hear that her mother was suffering so much without her father that she married the first guy that gave her attention…Now 2 weeks later she’s broke. She has been borrowing money from my bf and everything because her new hubby has taken everything…Really sad. And no matter how much she has asked her mother to get help and to leave him, she won’t do it. They are afraid that she will lose the house her father worked so hard to give her…And it’s a gorgeous huge home…

The best thing is to take things slow. If you want to keep your relationship go ahead but seek counseling. If you have a good relationship with him then ask him to come with you, and both can seek this comfort and help together, it will be for the best…You will be in my prayers. GOD bless.
 
GraceDK said:
Come on man,
What if your wife came home and said:“I just had sex with three male prostitutes but hey it does not have anything to do with you. I am just a sex addict”. Cant you hear how insane that sounds?
It’s clear nonsense to say it has nothing to do with your wife.
You wife is not wrong to distrust you if you have many times proven you cannot be trusted.
Click to expand...
As whatevergirl pointed out, the point I was making was that I don’t turn to porn because my wife is inadequate. Insofar as it is unfaithfulness, yes, of course it has everything to do with my marriage and my commitment to her.
Dont project your sins on to her. If you created distrust then thats YOUR sin, not hers.
Get the garbage out of your life, whether you have to cut out the computer or the TV from your life altogether. Can’t you see you are hurting both your wife, your marriage and your children.
Click to expand...
This is where I think you completely misunderstood my post, Grace. When I said I had a porn addiction, I was not saying that I regularly view pornography. I have viewed pornography in the past, and I am still very tempted to do it. There are a number of activities – looking at billboards, letting my eyes linger on strangers, watching television commercials – that are occasions for the sin of lust, and I don’t always resist that temptation. I am fully aware that my sin hurts my family – you have no idea how this tears me up inside – but I have taken steps to be accountable.

I share my struggles and progresses with a group of men who hold me accountable, and my wife knows that I do so. I don’t think she wants to know the details, so I don’t tell her, but I do apologize to her if I know I need to.

Please don’t think I’m blaming this issue on women – that would be absurd! But wives do need to realize that people live up to expectations. If you are suspicious of your husband, this can be an incentive for him to lie to you. If you express trust in your husband, this can be an incentive for him to be honest. Jesus had harsh words for the lustful, but he also had harsh words for the self-righteous. We are all – every one of us – terrible sinners in need of the love and mercy of God!

whatevergirl said
Um, I don’t believe that your wife would be sinning if you in fact are still viewing porn, and she is angry over it. She might have good reason right now not to trust you,if you are still viewing porn, even if on occasion. It’s unfair to tell a wife that she is sinning, if you are giving her reasons not to trust you, I’m afraid.
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Now that I mentioned self-righteousness, I’m obliged to admit that I am not fully trustworthy. As I said, I’m not still viewing porn, but I am a broken vessel, and I could fall at any moment. I feel awful that I have had the gall to so emperil my marriage, and yet still tell her how she should be acting. I do feel presumptuous to had said that my wife mistrusting would be sin, and I’m glad I haven’t told her that it was sin.

But you need to realize that men in this country are under attack. Having unrestricted access to the internet is like a coffee table full of every imaginable sin, and such capacity is not natural. Some of the *best *priests and religious still struggle with this problem, and it’s not because they’re unmarried. It’s because pornography is a cancer sent by the evil one to destroy our churches and families.

Men and women need to seek to *understand *each other’s struggle with this issue, not to judge. Men are already terrified to be honest about these things with their wives, and I’m afraid it’s often with good reason.
 
*I hear what you’re saying Prodigal. I didn’t mean to come across as lacking compassion for your situation, in fact, I have a lot of compassion. My dh and I, as I mention above, used to view porn together, and it truly became a habit. It wasn’t an everyday thing, but early on in our marriage, before we really became devout Catholics, we thought it was acceptable as long as we watched it together. I never really heard of porn addiction, until reading a lot about it on here, or hearing about Every Man’s Battle, that book on Focus on the Family, when I’d tune in years ago.

I think that porn is like smoking, just don’t ever start the habit, and you’ll be better off! When my husband and I started going to mass regularly, praying, etc…it was like blinders were removed from our eyes, couldn’t believe that we had viewed that junk. But, I won’t lie, it was fun when we did that together…but isn’t that so much like how sin is? It’s quite the deceiver. It seems fun, and to satisfy something…but really, it’s empty. Try your best to kick the habit for good, PS, and never look back. You can do this! With God, all things are possible. I’m praying for you and all who struggle with this type of sexual sin. :gopray:*
 
Thank you everyone for all your feedback. I see that I’m not the only one that has encountered this in one way or another. I should explain my relationship clearly. I was married through the Catholic Church for 22 years. I had since then divorced him. Back then, I felt good about myself until I started finding porn magazines hidden and stashed in different places. He knew this made me very upset. I cried, argued and went ballistic with him each time. It made me feel like I was not an adequate wife and woman to him. I felt like I had to compete and look beautiful like these woman. However, I would never look like them. They are just disgusting. I do have some self-dignity. There were times that I would go to bed and my ex would tell me that he was going to stay up to watch TV. From my bedroom, I could hear obscene moaning and groaning. When I would get up, he could hear me and immediately change the channel. Then the computer was added to our home. Before pop-up protection software was available, my children or myself would turn on the computer and see lots of porno pop-ups. These type of pop-up just don’t show up unless you have entered one of those websites. This is when I knew he was also using the computer for his addiction. There were 22 years of his secretly viewing porn or hiding magazines. I couldn’t trust him alone in the house. I felt like I had to always keep one eye on him and/or search around the house when he was away. My self-worth has deteriorated. This made me (I hate to admit) very jealous. I didn’t want my husband’s eyes looking at other women in a sexual way and I felt he was. Commandment: Thou shall not covenant thy neighbor’s wife. Looking at this stuff, I tend to believe is a type of adultery. Jealousy truly hurts. I am divorced from him. My older children say that they see dad looking at “nasty” stuff from time to time. I am in a relationship with a man that I know truly loves me. I really know he does. But, I tend to treat him as how I was with my ex, that “roaming” eye and see other women desirable. I keep causing major fights because of my mistrust and jealousy. He tells me over and over that he would never hurt me. He thinks I’m beautiful, and the only one for him. He compliments me, but its hard to accept his compliments. I feel ugly. My self-esteem is shot. Sometimes I pray to God asking him “why am I here.” I know He will take me when He says it is time. I’m just so mentally scarred. I am going to seek counseling and truly get involved with my church. I know God will bless me with self-love and inner peace. Thank you everyone for listening to my tread. God Bless :o
 
Snerticus said:
Hi goldenbear. I have had some of the same feelings as you, but I am confused.

You say you are “not divorced” but then say your low self esteem caused the divorce, so at this point I’m guessing you meant “now divorced” instead.

If you are divorced but not anulled, you should not be in another relationship at all. If you are anulled but still have these feelings of inadequacy, I think you should take it slow and either drop the relationship or keep it neutral for a while during which time you should pray and get closer to God. In doing that, some of your inadequate feelings may be healed (if not a great deal of them) and you can get a better perspective on things.

Take it from someone who is divorced and looked right after the divorce to find someone else and when they were found I discovered this was not what God wanted of me. I’m just going to start the anullment process but it’s been about 8 years and I’ve not been in a relationship with anyone but God. It’s actually been very liberating for me leading a celibate life and not wanting to be in another relationship. I can focus on what God wants in my life and I don’t have to worry about how attractive I am to others, even if I believe I am not attractive myself.

My advice is to take a break on your relationships for a while. And perhaps attend a retreat to begin with.

God Bless,
Snert
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Sounds like a pretty good post to me. I think the one problem Goldenbear might still have however is trying to cope with her poor self esteem, even if she does devote all her time to God.

I might even go and attend a retreat myself. I’ve only been on one retreat since I became Catholic over a decade ago, and it was aimed at men, focussing on male issues. While I had no argument with it, and it was in fact well done, I think I’d like to go on one that was a bit more spiritual based.
 
Goldenbear, you NEED to realize that you are a chosen child of God. God WANTS you to be here or He never would have created you. Feeling extremely depressed, I told a priest one time in confession - “I feel like if I actually saw Jesus walking on the road,healing people, He would step on me and kick me out of the way like a bug.” The priest replied with shock, “Are you kidding?! You’d be the FIRST one he came to.” Don’t doubt His love for you and learn to accept yourself as you are.
 
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