J
Jonponwon
Guest
Alas I am a genuine 24 carat cynic and I always wonder whether words like celibacy mean what people think they mean. Celibacy is, by definition, the unmarried state. It does not mean someone who is sexually abstinent and chaste. Now what does it mean to be abstinent and chaste? It means no nocturnal emissions (commonly known as wet dreams), no involuntary movements resulting in emission or orgasm during the day, no masturbation, and no sex with anyone of either sex or with animal, vegetable, or mineral. it is almost as rare as dogs with gold teeth. For most of my life I was a sexual libertine, homosexual from the age of four, and an inveterate masturbator. I always longed for a lover and had a good few, but nothing that lasted. Unlike a great many homosexuals I never doubted that what I was doing was unacceptable to God and I longed for abstinence and chastity despite the evils of my ways. I tried everything conceivable to fight my lusts. I prayed, I sought counselling, I saw doctors, psychologist and psychiatrists. I tried every treatment in the book, including aversion therapy. Nothing whatever worked. At last I realised I was trying to fight the whole of nature and all her forces and I realised it was impossible. All the odds were on her side. I gave up trying. During all these years the physical encounters I had were not the important ones. It was love I wanted. I fell in love half a dozen times. It was always unrequited love and the pain was incredible, intolerable and inexpressible. Thirty seven years ago I had my last such love. In the meantime I discovered practical ways of pursuing a life leading to man’s possible immortality and followed them with dedication. I knew my sexuality was a stumbling block and longed to part from it. I could not. Then, three years ago by the grace of God the Holy Spirit gave me the gift of abstinence and chastity. The point I am trying to make is that I do not believe for one moment that we can decide to be abstinent. It is a gift. Gifts are not demanded, nor are they there to be plucked off trees. You fight, you struggle, you suffer, and perhaps after decades you are given the gift by the Holy Spirit (Galatians 2). I have heard over the years many stories told by people who believed they were “celibate” only to find a few years later that they were rutting like weasels. It is easy to con ourselves, I am afraid. I am not for one moment suggesting I am the only one to have been given the gift. I am sure others have, but it is not scattered around like confetti by the Holy Spirit. Now comes the hard part. Three years into my total abstinence and 37 years after my last great emotional love, I met a young seminarian. It was as though an arrow had gone through my heart and I was, for the first time in my whole life, smitten by love at first sight. He was 32 and I was 73. Ludicrous! Impossible! Obscene! In love with someone young enough to be my grandson! Disgusting! Whatever. I was, and am, in love. He is completely straight and the relationship has nowhere to go. I told him of my abstinence and I told him there was not the slightest genital thought in my mind in loving him. If he would consent (and he certainly won’t ) I would be prepared to spend he rest of my life with him, serving him as a menial, if necessary (I.e. as a housekeeper, for example). So what I am saying to you is that if you are certain you are chaste and abstinent, and if it has lasted without lustful thoughts of any kind whatever, you could have a successful life-long relationship. If you are not certain I’ll wager £1000 to a bale of hay that in time you will fall off the celibacy wagon.
