Being realistic and coming to grips with likely never having a child

  • Thread starter Thread starter Sierrah
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
S

Sierrah

Guest
As I’m about 40 I’m trying to come to grips with the fact that I’ll likely never have children. It’s been the hardest thing for me to accept. I’m not starting a pity post or anything I’m just looking for imput. How to you come to an acceptance and gain peace with it. 🤷 Just looking for advice. I’m single so going out to have a child just to have one seems very selfish and is not an option for me. 🤷
 
There is planted deep within each of us an urge, a “prime directive,” a primal need to be fruitful.

This includes, but is by no means limited to the having and rearing children.

While it seems to you unlikely that you will bear and raise your own children, this is not necessarily ruled out.

Yet you might approach the question: How else can I bear fruit in this world? What else can I do?

This involves an expansion of vision. Right now, you may be focused down the one avenue of having and raising your own children. Broaden you outlook; see what else you can do.

I don’t know your situation in life. I can’t give you advice that is any more concrete than this. But I will pray for you.

Regards,
Joe
 
jprioli said:
There is planted deep within each of us an urge, a “prime directive,” a primal need to be fruitful.

This includes, but is by no means limited to the having and rearing children.

While it seems to you unlikely that you will bear and raise your own children, this is not necessarily ruled out.

Yet you might approach the question: How else can I bear fruit in this world? What else can I do?

This involves an expansion of vision. Right now, you may be focused down the one avenue of having and raising your own children. Broaden you outlook; see what else you can do.

I don’t know your situation in life. I can’t give you advice that is any more concrete than this. But I will pray for you.

Regards,
Joe
Click to expand...
Thanks, and yes I have been exploring other options but continuing to look for ideas as well.
👍
 
I’m 38 and struggle with some of the same thoughts. Just over a year ago I did meet a man on AveMariaSingles that I think has lots of potential so I’m seeing where God leads that path.

The hardest thing for me is to live in the moment. Enjoy what I have now – all the blessings He has given me – and letting God have control. As I said, that is much easier said than done.

There are so many options for you in coming to grips with not having children biologically. I have nieces and nephews that are my absolute life. I spoil them, do things with them; and then when I’m done, I send them home to their mother 😃 Best of both worlds. I’ve contemplated adoption, but I’m not ready for that step – or maybe fostering. Again, not sure I’m ready for that.

You could always volunteer with abused or neglected kids at a group home or kids’ ranch or something like that. You never know what little seed you’ll plant in a child’s life. If you foster or come in contact with kids “nobody wants,” you could be the only example of stability, Christian love, et cetera that that child will ever see; and you may never know how that will affect that child’s future.

This is just my perspective, and I hope it helps you a little bit.
 
Humor is good. Try teaching 7th grade CCD for a year. That’ll cure ya!

I don’t mean to be glib but there are plusses and minuses in every condition of life, and we often don’t get the cross we ask for.

That said, 40 is not over the hill. If Mr. Right shows up on your doorstep soon, you could still be in business. First-time moms over 40 have a very good track record of achieving pregnancy and having successful births. That’s not to say that the risks don’t go up with age; but the odds are STILL in your favor.
 
It seems in this day and age, there are more of us out there. However, I have been married for 18 years and am knocking (very hard) on the door of 40. My husband is a cradle Catholic who has just returned to the Church and I am a convert this year. The DH is still coming to terms accepting parenthood as a vocation and we are struggling with his acceptance on how to afford children. (no need to respond to this it would only be preaching to the choir).

Being a nurse, I am aware that more an more women are waiting until later in life to have children. Given that we are letting nature take its course w/ God’s help, at this point I can only pray that my vocation is motherhood and that it will happen in time.

However, we have discussed adoption if I have not become pregnant by the time I am 45. 👍
 
Schluns said:
It seems in this day and age, there are more of us out there. However, I have been married for 18 years and am knocking (very hard) on the door of 40. My husband is a cradle Catholic who has just returned to the Church and I am a convert this year. The DH is still coming to terms accepting parenthood as a vocation and we are struggling with his acceptance on how to afford children. (no need to respond to this it would only be preaching to the choir).

Being a nurse, I am aware that more an more women are waiting until later in life to have children. Given that we are letting nature take its course w/ God’s help, at this point I can only pray that my vocation is motherhood and that it will happen in time.

However, we have discussed adoption if I have not become pregnant by the time I am 45. 👍
Click to expand...
I’ve always hoped to adopt at least one child weather or not I find Mr. Right but my financial situtation would have to change drastically before that could ever happen. I’m open to it but I’m always realistic in the belief that it may never happen. I like to know where I’m going and lately the last few years it’s been only a take it as it comes sort of life.
 
I am right there with you. There are assistance programs and all, but I know that the costs still add up, both with having my own child or adopting. Even foster care costs money in the long run.

I also have friends that are older than me and through menopause who have never had children (some of them married) who lead fulfilling lives and if this is my lot in life, I just hope that I can be as graceful and grateful as they.

If you have an insurance program where you work, look into their adoption assistance, some give enough assistance that it almost equals your cost of copays of having natural birth – uncomplicated that is.
 
I had my first child at 39, after 10 years of living like Catholics. We both had very rich lives. I drew great satisfaction from what I could do as a childless person that would have been difficult, if not impossible, for me to do if I had children. My life very much “shrank” to the size of my child.

But then, I’m not superwoman. I could never manage more than a couple of things at a time. I have a friend with 4 kids who is closing in on her PhD. God bless her. I would be dead if I tried that.
 
My husband and I are young, but test results are pretty clear that bearing children will be a long shot for us. We’re looking into fostering and adopting, but we are not in a position to do that yet, and the grief of not having children by birth is still something I struggle with.

A number of months ago at Mass (possibly still in the Christmas season), kneeling in prayer after receiving the Eucharist, I realized that the deepest desire of my heart, to receive a child from God as a gift, was superabundantly fulfilled. God has given me his only Son, the Christ Child, with me under the appearance of bread and wine. What more could I wish?

This has often been a comfort to me. May God bless you and grant all the desires of your heart!
 
mercygate said:
I had my first child at 39, after 10 years of living like Catholics. We both had very rich lives. I drew great satisfaction from what I could do as a childless person that would have been difficult, if not impossible, for me to do if I had children. My life very much “shrank” to the size of my child.

But then, I’m not superwoman. I could never manage more than a couple of things at a time. I have a friend with 4 kids who is closing in on her PhD. God bless her. I would be dead if I tried that.
Click to expand...
Yes, I can imagine that. Kids are certainly a lot of work but a lot of joy too. I spent a lot of years taking care of kids so I have a little idea of what involved but that sort of thing never bothered me. I guess I’m just trying to adjust my thinking to accept that kids probably won’t be part of my life in the way I was hoping.
 
Leah,

How beautiful!! Thank you, for helping me see this.

[SIGN]A number of months ago at Mass (possibly still in the Christmas season), kneeling in prayer after receiving the Eucharist, I realized that the deepest desire of my heart, to receive a child from God as a gift, was superabundantly fulfilled. God has given me his only Son, the Christ Child, with me under the appearance of bread and wine. What more could I wish?[/SIGN]
 
I am 37 and my DH is 42, we have succumbed to the reality that we will not have children on our own. I do understand that you are single, therefore it is more difficult, although I would encourage you to consider adoption or foster care adoption. There are many children out there in the foster care system that are in need of a permanent home and even a single mother home is better than a temporary home.

In most areas Foster Care to Adopt programs do not cost and you receive financial support from the State or county you work with during the foster care part. Some children are also covered through Medicaid after they are adopted.
 
Adoption does not have to be as expensive as everyone thinks it is! There are many different types of adoptions, some of which can be very inexpensive–like a private adoption. So don’t just give up on the idea without doing some research and finding out all your options. Also, don’t forget the federal tax rebate of $10,000 for adoptions! Many employers also have adoption benefits, some states also have tax rebates, and there are private organizations that provide grants and low-interest loans for adoption. If that is what God has planned for you, He will find a way to make it work. I know He did for us! 😃
 
Teakafrog said:
Adoption does not have to be as expensive as everyone thinks it is! There are many different types of adoptions, some of which can be very inexpensive–like a private adoption. So don’t just give up on the idea without doing some research and finding out all your options. Also, don’t forget the federal tax rebate of $10,000 for adoptions! Many employers also have adoption benefits, some states also have tax rebates, and there are private organizations that provide grants and low-interest loans for adoption. If that is what God has planned for you, He will find a way to make it work. I know He did for us! 😃
Click to expand...
Thanks that’s good to know. I’ll have to research some of that. I know that my state cut back on funding for foster care and adoptions so I don’t know what my options would be there but who knows what other programs are out there. 👍
 
Consider foster grandparent programs in your community. When I first moved up here – my boys are grown up and on their own – I called the local foster grandparents program because I was lonely for the presence of boys in my home. They welcomed me with open arms and asked me if I’d be willing to take on a little boy who had already worn out two “Grandmas”. His single mother had adopted him from Romania and she said he was like “having a German Shepherd in the apartment.” She had never so much as baby-sat before she adopted him and she was convinced there was something dreadfully wrong with him.

In fact he was (8 years old at the time) a very active, athletic little boy who is not at all interested in books or education but who is a wizard with animals (she eventually sent him to a boarding school where care of farm animals is a part of the curriculum) and who can look at a set of plans and know exatly what the building will look like. (I once paid him $5.00 to put together a three-dimensional puzzle of Jacques Villeneuve’s car for me.)

The first day we all three went for a walk together she kept shouting at him to come back and walk with us. I pointed to a big tree and said, “Let’s see how many times you can run around that tree! You run and I will count!” When he finally dropped to the ground in exhaustion I gave him a big cheer and bought him an ice cream cone, and he walked with us with no problem, beaming.

It turned out that all he needed was somebody active who could wear him out. My reward was one afternoon when we were out riding our bicycles and he had stopped to admire some ducks. “Grandma! Come look at these ducks!” he yelled. Another kid looked at me – I was in jeans and a Penske Racing jacket with a B&H Jordan baseball cap – and said disbelievingly “THAT is your Grandma?”

“Well,” said Paul, “she’s not an OLD Grandma.”

Check in your city and see if there’s a foster grandparents program. Odds are pretty good there are children who pray every night that you will come into their lives.
 
Hi Sierrah:

If you are interested in adoption/fostering, I volunteered this summer for a great program called Kidsave Summer Miracles. You can go to our blog at austinsummermiracles.blogspot.com.

The program brings orphans from other countries (in this case from Colombia) to the US for a 5 week period, in hopes of finding them permanent families. It is great, because you get to share your summer with these children, and give them the opportunity of a lifetime. Who knows, after meeting and living them for 5 weeks, you may decide adoption is the route for you or as another host parent put it, just keep doing this every summer!

I have 1 child and always wanted more children, but haven’t been able to. Participating in this program, just reinforced how much I want more children and how adoption may be a viable option for us in the future. We had single women participate in the program too.

May God bless you & answer your prayers.
 
Schluns said:
However, we have discussed adoption if I have not become pregnant by the time I am 45. 👍
Click to expand...
Foster care is probably more realistic. The waiting lists for adoption are very long (unless bi-ratial, older than 5 or special needs). Many (most?) agencies and foriegn countries have an adoption age limit of 35 or 40 at the most. Sorry

To the OP, while undergoing infertility treatments, I volunteered for Kids In Distress in Fort Lauderdale. This was a home for abused and neglected kids, and I found it incredibly rewarding AND they never have enough volunteers. I strongly encourage you to just show up, and start volunteering. You will be happy that you did.
 
May God bless your life with the nurturing fulfillment that you crave. I am sure His plan for you will be great, whatever it is. I pray you can adjust to see His plan and to enjoy your life.
 
I am thirty-eight and may not be able to have children. What I do want is to do the will of God. Being in this position of having to accept his will is a great gift to me. I don’t like being told no but when it becomes a yes to God it is easier to take.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top