Being realistic and coming to grips with likely never having a child

[Norseman82]

As I’m about 40 I’m trying to come to grips with the fact that I’ll likely never have children. It’s been the hardest thing for me to accept. I’m not starting a pity post or anything I’m just looking for imput. How to you come to an acceptance and gain peace with it. Just looking for advice. I’m single so going out to have a child just to have one seems very selfish and is not an option for me.

Maybe you are going about this the wrong way.

Instead of “accepting it”, have you talked with a parish priest for advice on where the Catholic men in the area are? Maybe he could either give you a few leads (maybe some men may be asking the same question wondering where the good Catholic women are), or maybe incorporate into his homilies that there are Catholics in the pews looking for spouses and those who look outsde the Church are doing them a great disservice.

Personally, I think we singles need to be more aggressive with our fellow Catholics just like the Greek widows were in Acts and like the widow who pestered the judge in Jesus’ parable, and we also need to be comfortable in pushing back and telling people “WE DON’T WANT NO STINKING SINGLE VOCATION OR ‘ALTERNATE FORMS OF LIFE-GIVING’ SHOVED DOWN OUR THROATS!!”

Here is a website that another CAF poster linked to once that you may want to look at:

thegiftofsingleness.blogspot.com/

 

[BostonMyrtleBea]

As I’m about 40 I’m trying to come to grips with the fact that I’ll likely never have children. It’s been the hardest thing for me to accept. I’m not starting a pity post or anything I’m just looking for imput. How to you come to an acceptance and gain peace with it. Just looking for advice. I’m single so going out to have a child just to have one seems very selfish and is not an option for me.

I agree - 40 is not the end of the world an you never know what will end up on your doorstep. If it is the case the children of your own are not in the future, there might be a more important calling for you! Maybe you can take that energy and focus it on a different path (either one with our without children involved) until you can know for sure.

Easier said than done, of course, especially if it is something you desperately want

 

[os_justi]

-bitter laugh- I’m 29 and feel like this every day. No college degree, no husband, no kids – no major life accomplishments accomplished except increasingly numerous gray hairs. I keep asking God, if he has a plan for me, to please let me in on it, cause so far the one I’ve been hoping for hasn’t happened yet, and it’d be a lot easier for me if I knew I was on the wrong path.

 

[Sierrah]

Maybe you are going about this the wrong way.

Instead of “accepting it”, have you talked with a parish priest for advice on where the Catholic men in the area are? Maybe he could either give you a few leads (maybe some men may be asking the same question wondering where the good Catholic women are), or maybe incorporate into his homilies that there are Catholics in the pews looking for spouses and those who look outsde the Church are doing them a great disservice.

Personally, I think we singles need to be more aggressive with our fellow Catholics just like the Greek widows were in Acts and like the widow who pestered the judge in Jesus’ parable, and we also need to be comfortable in pushing back and telling people “WE DON’T WANT NO STINKING SINGLE VOCATION OR ‘ALTERNATE FORMS OF LIFE-GIVING’ SHOVED DOWN OUR THROATS!!”

Here is a website that another CAF poster linked to once that you may want to look at:

thegiftofsingleness.blogspot.com/

I did speak with my parish priest about this and other things about 6 months ago. He wasn’t very helpful other then to say “just ask God for what you want”. Well that I’ve done for years so obviously what I want isn’t his plan for me I guess.

 

[Sierrah]

-bitter laugh- I’m 29 and feel like this every day. No college degree, no husband, no kids – no major life accomplishments accomplished except increasingly numerous gray hairs. I keep asking God, if he has a plan for me, to please let me in on it, cause so far the one I’ve been hoping for hasn’t happened yet, and it’d be a lot easier for me if I knew I was on the wrong path.

Same boat here. I just have a vocational school degree. Never had the money or enough time for college had to make money to live on. Didn’t start dating till around your age.

 

[Sierrah]

Thanks everyone for the wonderful suggestions. I’m still in a morning period over likely never having children of my own but I’m trying to focus on other ways to fill that need. Volunteering seems a good way to start. Right now I don’t have so much time but maybe there’s some place that can use me a few days a month. Adoption is something that will have to wait right now I’m not financially equiped to care for a child. Hopefully in a few years that may change if it’s the Lords will.

 

[griffibo]

I’m sorry Sierrah that you are having to go through this process. It is a grieving process to be sure. My husband and i are grieving the likelihood that we won’t be able to have any children of our own. It rends the heart, doesn’t it.

But don’t give up until God has closed the door. I’m not. Remember Sarah and Elizabeth (I do, it gives me comfort). And my friend’s mum was 46 when she got pregnant with him! My other friend is pregnant (with her 8th!) and she’s 42 now.

Also, with regard to finding your husband - I met and married mine within 1 year. At our age it’s not such a lengthy process finding out whether someone has the character attributes you respect - given they are living lives in submission to God. I’ve certainly got a fulfilling vocation in my marriage despite the fact that we rather rushed toward the altar due to our ages and desire to start a family.

As it turns out, we can’t easily have a family of our own. We’ve been trying for 20 months! Now we’re looking into fostering some kids but we’ll continue to wait on God with hopeful hearts.

God bless you and my love and prayers are with you,
xxx

 

[LSK]

As I’m about 40 I’m trying to come to grips with the fact that I’ll likely never have children. It’s been the hardest thing for me to accept. I’m not starting a pity post or anything I’m just looking for imput. How to you come to an acceptance and gain peace with it. Just looking for advice. I’m single so going out to have a child just to have one seems very selfish and is not an option for me.

This was one of the most difficult areas of my life I have ever had to face. I wanted children; my lifestyle for many years was so sinful that I did not have children…then, when I finally got clean and sober, and came Home to Rome, I could not find anyone to marry me and (like you) did not want to bring a child into the world without a husband or outside the teachings of the Holy Mother Church.

There are still times I wish I had had children - but I have purposefully looked outside myself for ways to be a spiritual mother to those around me. It is satisfying, it is a way to help others and it allows me to be a ‘Mom’ even at the advanced age of 52.

I think the spiritual axioms of obedience and acceptance are very difficult to practice. Deepening my prayer life helped, becoming involved in the Church and in activities that are wholesome and inspiriting has helped, but most of all coming to the understanding that nothing happens in His universe by mistake has to be my greatest comfort.

My prayers are with you!

 

[Sierrah]

I’m sorry Sierrah that you are having to go through this process. It is a grieving process to be sure. My husband and i are grieving the likelihood that we won’t be able to have any children of our own. It rends the heart, doesn’t it.

But don’t give up until God has closed the door. I’m not. Remember Sarah and Elizabeth (I do, it gives me comfort). And my friend’s mum was 46 when she got pregnant with him! My other friend is pregnant (with her 8th!) and she’s 42 now.

Also, with regard to finding your husband - I met and married mine within 1 year. At our age it’s not such a lengthy process finding out whether someone has the character attributes you respect - given they are living lives in submission to God. I’ve certainly got a fulfilling vocation in my marriage despite the fact that we rather rushed toward the altar due to our ages and desire to start a family.

As it turns out, we can’t easily have a family of our own. We’ve been trying for 20 months! Now we’re looking into fostering some kids but we’ll continue to wait on God with hopeful hearts.

God bless you and my love and prayers are with you,
xxx

I’ll pray that your wishes are granted.