Being Single...(And Sexuality)

[chevalier]

I wouldn’t believe you anyway.

I think what we need are cheesy Catholic pickup lines. What woman can resist, “you’ve got such stunning scapular brown eyes?” But say it without the question mark at the end or you’ll sound like Ron Burgundy?

-Rob

If you can’t come up with something like, “bene visu, pulchra domina, vellesne caffeam habere?” then that’ll do too.

 

[catherinette]

I wouldn’t believe you anyway.

I didn’t say I was referring to myself!

 

[catherinette]

Indeed, I have wondered, at times, if my desire for romance isn’t actually just a desire to fill a more apparent hole, namely the one that has led me to believe that I have few actual friends – either guys or girls my age with whom I can go out for drinks, dinner, movies, etc.

I hear what you are saying about finding real, true friends you can relate to on many different levels. I don’t exactly have the same problem in that I know enough people where I usually am not too bored on weekends, but I do sometimes feel the void of having close friends living nearby who are serious about their faith; being Catholic is a huge part of who I am as a person, and yet at times I feel like I don’t have many friends I can really show that side of myself to. If I use that scapular brown eyes pick-up line on one of my friends, he at least needs to know what a scapular is!

I think it’s a bit dangerous to look for a relationship to fill the desire for friendship, which I suppose you realize, since you mentioned it. If the girl you are dating is your only means of emotional support, the problem is that you might stay in the wrong relationship just to have someone who will listen to you. You need to be a whole person, mentally and spiritually, without the relationship, or being in a relationship will just be another source of headaches and won’t do much to cure you of your loneliness!

At the moment, my one only actual guy friend (who is Catholic) is trying to overcome a serious drug and alcohol addiction, and the reason why he got addicted was because he was bored and lonely and there’s nothing to do in this town but eat and shop (if you’re moral) or get drunk and spend money on strippers (if you’re not). It’s very difficult finding young people who are anywhere between ages 22 - 35 who aren’t interested in doing just that. In fact, given that I don’t know this girl at my parish, how do I know that she, too, doesn’t smell like gin on Sunday mornings but comes to Mass only because she may happen to live with her parents?

I imagine if she is in her twenties, she probably is not at church unless she wants to be there.

 

[catherinette]

I’m glad we understand each other.

The most important point I’d like to make in that context is that people aren’t being reasonable. The result is that some women want a securitised investment from the get go, while some others make a point of wanting you to be cool about it. Little patience do I have for such games. I would never put my money in shady equity and so much less would I put my very personality in a relationship with someone I had only just seen. I could do just that, but only as my own decision, not as a precondition demanded by someone else. As for playing cool, well, those ladies might want to play ice hockey. While cool, it’s rather slippery, however.

Playing games is dumb… but I think everyone does it some extent. At some point perhaps you experience an existential crisis and become genuine, and find someone just as genuine as you; or else you spend your whole life playing games!

Yeah, but ultimately the point isn’t about winning.

You are taking me too literally. I just mean it’s a poor strategy to remain distant forever; a good relationship can’t develop unless both people are willing to be honest with one another.

 

[OLHope]

I wouldn’t believe you anyway.

I think what we need are cheesy Catholic pickup lines. What woman can resist, “you’ve got such stunning scapular brown eyes?” But say it without the question mark at the end or you’ll sound like Ron Burgundy?

-Rob

 

[Cat]

I’m a 52-year-old married (30 years) woman, and I’m going to be a little mean to the OP. Actually, a lot mean. I think he needs a good kick in the pants.

OP, you are self-centered. I read through this thread, particularly your posts, and what I hear is “I” and “me” over and over again.

You aren’t interested in any woman for herself, but only for what she can do for you.

The reason you’re “shy” is that you are thinking only of yourself, all the time, and analyzing yourself constantly. You can’t get past your own needs to reach out to another person. That’s why you haven’t been able to connect with a woman. Perhaps you’re even a narcissist.

When you’re not even willing to forget about yourself long enough to greet a woman (say hi to her), THAT’S self-centeredness. Do you see that?

You use the term “Mama’s Boy.” If you are a true Mama’s Boy, then do all the women of the world a favor and stay away from them. My father was a true Mama’s Boy. If Mama said “Jump,” he jumped. Until she died, his mother held him in bondage. He was actually married to my mother and to HIS mother. Once Grandma died, things got better. But it really messed up our family. Mama’s Boys are not good candidates for marriage or relationships with women.

My suggestion to you is to go to counselling to learn how to overcome your narcissistic tendencies, forget about yourself, and reach out to others, both men and women. There are many techniques that you can learn that will help you to do this.

I have a friend who is schizophrenic and lives in a sheltered home. One of the things she works hard on is caring for others and demonstrating her care by greeting people, asking them about themselves and their interests, and expressing concern when the other person is going through difficult times. It’s hard for her to do this because her illness makes her very self-centered. But she keeps working on these people skills, and she succeeds.

So can you.

Another reason to go to counselling is to overcome the “Mama’s Boy” syndrome, if indeed you are truly a Mama’s Boy. As I stated, Mama’s Boys are DISASTERS in relationships with women. A woman who marries a Mama’s Boy is sentencing herself to a life of torture, pain, heartache, and strife. DON’T DO THIS TO A WOMAN, PLEASE! If you are truly a “Mama’s Boy,” get it fixed. I don’t think it’s an easy thing to overcome, but I’m sure that intense counselling can help you to break free of “Mama” and stand on your own as a real man, not a little boy.

As for having non-masculine interests, that proves my point as to how little you pay attention to other people. There are many men who are not interested in conventional male sports and activities. My husband is a figure skater–have you ever considered signing up for lessons (Adult classes) at your local skating rink? You will meet many MANY single women, and all of the men you meet will be interested in much more than just football and hunting and fishing (although many male figure skaters are passionately interested in those activities, too, along with their skating).

Or get involved in your local music or theater scene. There you will meet men and women who have never even watched a football game (and many who HAVE watched and love to watch football). Stop stereotyping people and assuming things about them based on a few experiences in your very narrow life.

My point is, you have to learn to reach outside of yourself and take an interest in others. You’ll discover that a lot of your ideas about men and women are false, and that many of them (not all) are pretty nice. Go to counselling. I’m sure your priest could recommend some good counsellors who will help you to climb out of yourself and develop your personality.

Good luck to you. You can do it.

 

[Epistemes]

Thank you for this post. It was definitely what I needed to hear this week. I’ve long acknowledged that I am, indeed, selfish and self-centered which I now see is affecting all of my relationships adversely. It’s especially funny that you mentioned that I’m only interested in women because of what they can do for me: it seems that such is true of most people. However, true though it may be, it lacks definition. Why do I think of only what people can do for me? Because I lack self-esteem, and always have; therefore, while I make seek relationships for the wrong reason, the wrong reason is based in feeling that I have nothing to offer them, not that I conceitedly only hope to drain their personable assets.

Just a few more comments below:

The reason you’re “shy” is that you are thinking only of yourself, all the time, and analyzing yourself constantly. You can’t get past your own needs to reach out to another person. That’s why you haven’t been able to connect with a woman. Perhaps you’re even a narcissist.

When you’re not even willing to forget about yourself long enough to greet a woman (say hi to her), THAT’S self-centeredness. Do you see that?

This is a great insight - and I acknowledge its truthfulness because, in a roundabout way, I’ve secretly acknowledged it within myself but have failed to do anything about it. I choose not to say “hi” because I’m scared - I’m scared because I fear rejection or making an *** out of myself - and I fear rejection due to a pride which longs acknowledge itself as perfect.

I’m just going to have to start taking chances with everybody I want to meet, expectations or not.

You use the term “Mama’s Boy.” If you are a true Mama’s Boy, then do all the women of the world a favor and stay away from them. My father was a true Mama’s Boy. If Mama said “Jump,” he jumped. Until she died, his mother held him in bondage.

I think our understanding of what a “mama’s boy” is differs somewhat. Indeed, while I’ve wondered how my relationship with my mother affects my relationship with other women, I think you’re reaction should be considered an overreaction. As I’ve mentioned in other posts, I have friendly relationships with very many women at work. I’ve also been romantically involved before and my relationship with my mother never interferred then. I love my mother considerably, and rightly so since she is the only biological parent I still have contact with, and do all I can to make her life easy, but I will not live her life for me. I’ve made it well-known to her that I must live my life, however that will be, and she supports that.

As for having non-masculine interests, that proves my point as to how little you pay attention to other people. There are many men who are not interested in conventional male sports and activities.

Stop stereotyping people and assuming things about them based on a few experiences in your very narrow life.

Perhaps my “stereotype” is somewhat unfair, but I had in mind the many men who work in my department at the office, especially considering that I am forced to sit next to the “two kings of machismo.” Walk into the men’s bathroom here and the conversation is always about the things I listed. This isn’t to say that I don’t recognize that all men don’t go for these things - because I happen to have one or two guy friends who do have other interests besides - but for eight hours each day, five days a week I’m exposed to the stereotype I’ve listed. And, trust me, I’ve tried making alternate conversation with them all, and about the only other thing worth discussing is movies and entertainment.

I’ve even tried getting interested in sports in order to associate better with my co-workers, but it’s all to no avail, really. I’m such a novice that I don’t even know what the rules are to most of the games, and when the discussions are more about the pros and cons of each individual player, almost as if that player was a close acquaintance, I’m once again marginalized by the discussion.

Plus, it’s fake. It’s absolutely fake. It’s fake for me to pretend that I have an interest in sports when I don’t if it means associating “with the guys.” I’m sure your husband had to have an interest in wanting to learn about skating long before taking the steps to becoming social with it. I could be wrong, but I just don’t see many people doing surveys, coming to the conclusion that, yes, everyone is rollerskating so that’s what I’ll do too.

It’s unfortunate that I have no interest (or center of gravity) for rollerskating, and, again, it’s equally a shame that most “clubs” in this town are frequented by those who are much older than myself. If I’ve not experienced it first hand, I’ve at least heard it from those who tried it for themselves and came back disappointed. “There’s nothing to do in this town,” is pretty common motto among the young people here, and I’m not exggerating.

 

[John_AH]

Kind of the same boat my friend… or at least I was…

You are responding to the wrong female! The church needs you!

Healing came for me by getting involved. You did not mention your involvement in the church very much other than there were no groups for like minded people. So start one! If you are having all of these problems just trying to stay good, help others stay good by building a community for them! It will get your mind off her and on addressing the problems you are facing as well as others in your community. Young adult groups have so much possiblities, opens so many doors, and helps you grow so much.

You never know you can ask her for help in forming one. I bet she faces the same problems too.

God Bless,
John Anthony

 

[OraProNobisIHM]

No idea what to say, but I do feel ya.

 

[Cat]

I’ve even tried getting interested in sports in order to associate better with my co-workers, but it’s all to no avail, really. I’m such a novice that I don’t even know what the rules are to most of the games, and when the discussions are more about the pros and cons of each individual player, almost as if that player was a close acquaintance, I’m once again marginalized by the discussion.

Plus, it’s fake. It’s absolutely fake. It’s fake for me to pretend that I have an interest in sports when I don’t if it means associating “with the guys.” I’m sure your husband had to have an interest in wanting to learn about skating long before taking the steps to becoming social with it. I could be wrong, but I just don’t see many people doing surveys, coming to the conclusion that, yes, everyone is rollerskating so that’s what I’ll do too.

It’s unfortunate that I have no interest (or center of gravity) for rollerskating, and, again, it’s equally a shame that most “clubs” in this town are frequented by those who are much older than myself. If I’ve not experienced it first hand, I’ve at least heard it from those who tried it for themselves and came back disappointed. “There’s nothing to do in this town,” is pretty common motto among the young people here, and I’m not exggerating.

Ice skating, not roller skating. FIGURE skating is ice skating, although I know that historically, roller skaters did work on the school figures. But in popular jargon, figure skating is done on ice. Forgive me for being unclear.

And figure skating is done by ALL ages, primarily children and teenagers, but in the last decade, the opportunities for adult involvement has increased amazingly, and adults are the fastest-growing group of figure skaters.

My husband changed his attitude towards sports for the sake of his career and I strongly suggest that you consider doing the same thing.

Thirty years ago, when we were first married, my husband and I never watched football, hated football, had no idea how to play or what the rules were, and who the teams and players were.

Then he realized that he was at a disadvantage around other men (and women) in his workplace (a computer company). He was often left out of conversations and social situations because of his ignorance about football.

So rather than putting his nose in the air and insisting on living life on HIS terms, he set out to LEARN about football. And lo and behold, he did.

And so did I.

He’ll never be as knowledgeable as the super fans, but he can at least enjoy a conversation with others. He knows the rules of the game, although still uncertain about the responsibilities of the various players. He knows which teams belong to which division. And most importantly, he can have a good time watching a game.

You CAN retrain your thinking. A lot of marriages end unnecessarily because the spouses “feel” that they don’t love each other anymore. The spark isn’t there. Well, that’s a bunch of bull. They need to “pretend” that they are still in love, and miraculously, they will often learn that yes, they ARE still in love. They’re just not 20 years old anymore and the spark takes a little more time to ignite.

Life isn’t all about you and what YOU like or dislike. When you care for other people, you’ll go to the trouble of taking a little time to read, study, chat (online is great), watch, and LEARN about those things that you are ignorant about that everyone else seems to love. You probably won’t be an expert, and if given the choice between watching a football game and doing something you really love to do, you’ll probably choose what you really love and that’s OK.

But don’t assume that you can never learn to like sports or cars or other “guy” things. Your mind is stronger than that, and you CAN train it.

AND most importantly, you’ll do it WITHOUT a martyr complex and without sighing over losing the real you and faking it and pretending to love something that you really can’t stomach.

It’s amazing what a loving, kind human being can force themselves to do, and then how much they can come to love that once-hateful task for the sake of others that they care for.

If YOU give a little and demonstrate by your ACTIONS (e.g., saying hello) that you care about others and their interests, they will do the same for you.

 

[chevalier]

Playing games is dumb… but I think everyone does it some extent. At some point perhaps you experience an existential crisis and become genuine, and find someone just as genuine as you; or else you spend your whole life playing games!

Or a bit of both.

You are taking me too literally. I just mean it’s a poor strategy to remain distant forever; a good relationship can’t develop unless both people are willing to be honest with one another.

Likewise. I just mean you don’t really need to win your chosen target as much as find someone who will actually like the real you.

 

[Bataar]

My problem is that the few times I actually meet a woman that I seem to hit it off with, she’ll already have a boyfriend or be engaged as is the most recent case.

I guess it shows I have good taste in women if the ones I do seem to hit it off with are already taken. Hopefully in 3 - 5 years when I hit it off with another woman, she’ll be single

 

[chevalier]

My problem is that the few times I actually meet a woman that I seem to hit it off with, she’ll already have a boyfriend or be engaged as is the most recent case.

I guess it shows I have good taste in women if the ones I do seem to hit it off with are already taken. Hopefully in 3 - 5 years when I hit it off with another woman, she’ll be single

Happens.

 

[Bataar]

Happens.

Yeah, it’s just irritating that it happens with such consistency.

 

[chevalier]

Yeah, it’s just irritating that it happens with such consistency.

Perhaps what you look for makes them the relationship kind of person, as in getting along well with a guy and being generally reasonable? Or mature enough to keep a relationship working? Who knows.

 

[Bataar]

Perhaps what you look for makes them the relationship kind of person, as in getting along well with a guy and being generally reasonable? Or mature enough to keep a relationship working? Who knows.

It’s not necessarily that I’m looking for something. It’s just very, very seldom that I find myself in a situation where I’m frequently around the same female enough to make relevant, interesting conversation. Even more seldom is when that person shares similar interests. Like I said, the last time I knew a woman I’d have liked to ask out was in 2006 but later found out she was already in a relationship. If the trend continues, it’ll be 2012 the next time it happens, but fortunately, the world is supposed to end that year so it may not matter

 

[catherinette]

Perhaps what you look for makes them the relationship kind of person, as in getting along well with a guy and being generally reasonable? Or mature enough to keep a relationship working? Who knows.

Oh come on. Just being in a relationship is not at all indicative that the person is reasonable or mature. There are many, many dysfunctional relationships out there.

 

[catherinette]

It’s not necessarily that I’m looking for something. It’s just very, very seldom that I find myself in a situation where I’m frequently around the same female enough to make relevant, interesting conversation. Even more seldom is when that person shares similar interests. Like I said, the last time I knew a woman I’d have liked to ask out was in 2006 but later found out she was already in a relationship. If the trend continues, it’ll be 2012 the next time it happens, but fortunately, the world is supposed to end that year so it may not matter

That is one way to avoid dating!

 

[Bataar]

That is one way to avoid dating!

That would be just my typical luck. December 11, 2012, I hit it off with a woman for the first time in my life and we schedule a date. The next day, the world ends.

 

[chevalier]

Oh come on. Just being in a relationship is not at all indicative that the person is reasonable or mature. There are many, many dysfunctional relationships out there.

Of course. But we were talking about people who were not dysfunctional and looking at possible causes of not being available - not looking at their being in a relationship and asking why. Nice try.

It’s not necessarily that I’m looking for something. It’s just very, very seldom that I find myself in a situation where I’m frequently around the same female enough to make relevant, interesting conversation. Even more seldom is when that person shares similar interests. Like I said, the last time I knew a woman I’d have liked to ask out was in 2006 but later found out she was already in a relationship. If the trend continues, it’ll be 2012 the next time it happens, but fortunately, the world is supposed to end that year so it may not matter

I hear you. Incidentally, since a break-up in early 2007, I’ve basically been on ice. You know, if your background is an odd mixture of history, classics, modern languages, law and IT, you aren’t quite the normal person and odds of finding a match are very slim.