Being Single...(And Sexuality)

[catherinette]

Of course. But we were talking about people who were not dysfunctional and looking at possible causes of not being available - not looking at their being in a relationship and asking why. Nice try.

Actually no information regarding the dysfunctional/non-dysfunctional nature of the persons in question was provided, so I think I’m still right.

I hear you. Incidentally, since a break-up in early 2007, I’ve basically been on ice. You know, if your background is an odd mixture of history, classics, modern languages, law and IT, you aren’t quite the normal person and odds of finding a match are very slim.

Well if you are trying to find a girl who is that same odd mixture of history, classics, modern languages, law and IT, who is also in the right age group and someone you find attractive and with a compatible personality, then I’m guessing the probability is somewhat smaller than 1/3.5 billion, so maybe it’s time to branch out?

 

[catherinette]

That would be just my typical luck. December 11, 2012, I hit it off with a woman for the first time in my life and we schedule a date. The next day, the world ends.

" 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

 

[chevalier]

Actually no information regarding the dysfunctional/non-dysfunctional nature of the persons in question was provided, so I think I’m still right.

Emphasis on I think.

Well if you are trying to find a girl who is that same odd mixture of history, classics, modern languages, law and IT, who is also in the right age group and someone you find attractive and with a compatible personality, then I’m guessing the probability is somewhat smaller than 1/3.5 billion, so maybe it’s time to branch out?

Assumptions, lass. Never said same. Compatible, corresponding, complementing and more co-. That probably makes it jump to 5/3.5 billion.

 

[Claire_from_DE]

Indeed, I have wondered, at times, if my desire for romance isn’t actually just a desire to fill a more apparent hole, namely the one that has led me to believe that I have few actual friends – either guys or girls my age with whom I can go out for drinks, dinner, movies, etc. The older I get, the more marginalized I increasingly become: I’m not married, I don’t have kids, I don’t go for contact sports, I don’t go for getting crazy drunk, I don’t go for much contemporary popular music, and so on. For example, I have a couple of friends, who are married, whom I met in RCIA a couple of years back. Since then, we’ve occassionally gone out to dinner, movies and the like. However, I recently reflected that only *once *or *twice *in the three years that we’ve known each other have they actually extended such invitations to me, it’s much more common that I invite them because I’m bored or particularly lonely. To add insult to injury, seeing pictures on their Facebook page made me realize that it’s far more easy for them to relate and have fun with other married couples than with a drifting, single guy who hasn’t dated in years.

Don’t you realize that a great way to meet decent women is through married friends?! Tell them you want to meet some women for friendship first then see what develops. Don’t worry about sounding pitiful. They and their wives probably have single friends. Maybe you could get together and they could bring one of those friends for a pleasant afternoon or evening’s activity (bowling, bike riding, going to a museum or arboretum or zoo, swimming, cooking out and playing croquet in the back yard, going to an amusement park, watching fireworks on the 4th of July, boating, taking line dancing lessons, going to a dog or cat show, going to a church carnival, seeing a local school or community play, walking for a cause, volunteering at the special olympics, visiting a flea market or craft show, going to an auction, chaperoning at a youth group activity, etc.). The idea is that a shared experience gives you something to talk about afterwards and takes some pressure off you both.

Be determined to enjoy yourself and see that she has a nice time. If you get along well together, something could develop. If not, you still had a pleasant time and your friends would get a better idea of what you are like and may suggest another friend to meet.

 

[chevalier]

The idea is that a shared experience gives you something to talk about afterwards and takes some pressure off you both.

Yeah. I’m a big fan of shared experience. That’s how bonds form, too.

 

[Salonika]

Interesting thread - with both the OP’s comment and the responses thought provoking.

Epistemes:

I’m single, and I so often get lonely. I desire companionship, I desire affection, I desire having someone to talk to, to share myself with, to be with, and to give my love to. When I think long and hard about dating, I realize that it’s truly no cakewalk: yes, there will be picnics, state fairs, and quiet evenings beside the lake, but there will also be disagreements and - assuming things don’t work out - heartache. Am I ready for that?, I wonder. The truth is, I’m not sure I will ever have the opportunity to find out since I’m much more likely to run from any female interest than to stay around and chat like a normal human being, allowing any type of relationship to develop.

The tendency to overthink has both good and bad results – good because we usually do not get into trouble by being too precipitate in what we do BUT often we end up not doing something as a result or can end up blurting out what we want to say rather than being conversational.

chevalier:

Conquer your fear! Barring confidence coming from experience, only stupid people don’t fear! The courageous are those who proceed regardless of it.

Agree – there’s nothing wrong with being scared/not confident/tongue-tied, it’s allowing them to control us that is wrong.

catherinette:

I suppose it’s good to remember that loneliness is not something that will go away even if you are in a relationship…… Besides, it’s also good to remember that being in the wrong relationship is far worse than being in no relationship at all!

And probably more difficult to cope with that being alone.

Epistemes:

Indeed, I have wondered, at times, if my desire for romance isn’t actually just a desire to fill a more apparent hole, namely the one that has led me to believe that I have few actual friends – either guys or girls my age with whom I can go out for drinks, dinner, movies, etc.

Could be – but keep in mind that we need a range of people in our lives – from people we know casually, through friends to those people who are really special to us. Sometimes we know immediately that someone will become a close friend, sometimes it comes slowly.

Epistemes:

The older I get, the more marginalized I increasingly become: I’m not married, I don’t have kids, I don’t go for contact sports, I don’t go for getting crazy drunk, I don’t go for much contemporary popular music, and so on…… I have a couple of friends, who are married … we’ve occassionally gone out to dinner, movies and the like. However, I recently reflected that only once or twice in the three years that we’ve known each other have they actually extended such invitations to me.

Yes, this happens to us singles at all stages our lives. I choose to think its partly a result of couples being a pair, of having two schedules to balance and more if they have children. I accept I have to take the initiative more than I would like to but then there are times when I get immersed in something that they have to remind me of their existence!

Cat:

OP, you are self-centered. I read through this thread, particularly your posts, and what I hear is “I” and “me” over and over again.

Personally. I distinguish self-centeredness and selfishness and see real self-centeredness to be a virtue and a requirement. Self-centeredness is knowing yourself, your values and beliefs and being true to them. It involves making decisions for yourself with (name removed by moderator)ut from others involved and considering their needs in making decisions. From your true core you can relate to other people and to people and accept them for themselves. Selfishness is seeing the world and other people only for what they can do for you and forgetting they also have the right to be true to their real core.

Cat:

The reason you’re “shy” is that you are thinking only of yourself, all the time, and analyzing yourself constantly. You can’t get past your own needs to reach out to another person.

Another reason can be the desire/need to get what we want to say exactly correct which can be intrinsic or come from our background. A good way to reduce this is not to think about what the other will say/think if you get it wrong but think how you feel they did the same with you. Usually we’d be sympathetic and understanding

Cat:

My point is, you have to learn to reach outside of yourself and take an interest in others. You’ll discover that a lot of your ideas about men and women are false, and that many of them (not all) are pretty nice.

And also that many of them have the same struggles that you have.

Cat:

Go to counselling. I’m sure your priest could recommend some good counsellors who will help you to climb out of yourself and develop your personality.

As well as counselling some communication skills courses might be helpful. Know the idea would probably be scary but remember you are learning them with others who just as scared and you can help each other.

 

[Salonika]

Thought my earlier post was getting a bit long so stopped where I was and started another.

…I’ve wondered how my relationship with my mother affects my relationship with other women …. I have friendly relationships with very many women at work. I’ve also been romantically involved before and my relationship with my mother never interferred then. I love my mother considerably …. and do all I can to make her life easy, but I will not live her life for me. I’ve made it well-known to her that I must live my life, however that will be, and she supports that.

Of course our relationship with our parents, and their relationship to each other, influences our relationships. Sometimes it makes us want to emulate them, sometimes to do the exact opposite. But what we need to do is react to each situation we deal with both in terms of what it is and who is involved in it.

Cat:

Life isn’t all about you and what YOU like or dislike. When you care for other people, you’ll go to the trouble of taking a little time to read, study, chat (online is great), watch, and LEARN about those things that you are ignorant about that everyone else seems to love. You probably won’t be an expert, and if given the choice between watching a football game and doing something you really love to do, you’ll probably choose what you really love and that’s……

If YOU give a little and demonstrate by your ACTIONS (e.g., saying hello) that you care about others and their interests, they will do the same for you.

And if they don’t consistently then they lose by not having the chance of having you as a friend. Relationships need to reciprocal – with both/all involved both giving and taking. One doing the giving and the other the taking all the time does not augur well for a long fulfilling relationship whether it be friendship or romance.

chevalier:

I hear you. Incidentally, since a break-up in early 2007, I’ve basically been on ice. You know, if your background is an odd mixture of history, classics, modern languages, law and IT, you aren’t quite the normal person and odds of finding a match are very slim.

What’s not normal about your educational background? Sounds interesting to me. What’s normal anyway? In most relationships things seem to better if those involved have some things in common and some things that are different. Probably goes for personality characteristics as well. If you look at relationships this way, you’re got a wider possible pool of possibilities.

chevalier:

Emphasis on I think.

For some of us yes – and some of us have to remember to feel as well. Then others have to do the opposite and remember to think as well as feel.
Claire from DE:

Don’t you realize that a great way to meet decent women is through married friends?! Tell them you want to meet some women for friendship first then see what develops. Don’t worry about sounding pitiful. They and their wives probably have single friends. Maybe you could get together and they could bring one of those friends for a pleasant afternoon or evening’s activity …… The idea is that a shared experience gives you something to talk about afterwards and takes some pressure off you both.

As someone who had sort of thing done for them years back, I think it’s important that it is low key and preferably involves others. Then reduces the tension both beforehand and if those being introduced to do not hit it off. Also make it clear it is a social function not an attempt at match-making.

 

[chevalier]

Personally. I distinguish self-centeredness and selfishness and see real self-centeredness to be a virtue and a requirement. Self-centeredness is knowing yourself, your values and beliefs and being true to them. It involves making decisions for yourself with (name removed by moderator)ut from others involved and considering their needs in making decisions. From your true core you can relate to other people and to people and accept them for themselves. Selfishness is seeing the world and other people only for what they can do for you and forgetting they also have the right to be true to their real core.

I would take some issue there. We aren’t the measure of all for ourselves really and it’s not only our own interests but also our own decisions and choices which are not to be made unilaterally to prevail. Where I see some merit is not focusing on other people’s opinions beyond what’s reasonable - i.e. thinking for oneself when and where due. That’s something I very much appreciate. Not so much the idea that one’s somehow in the centre of the world, even though admittedly I’m probably one of the first people to be at fault in that regard.

 

[mrpathetic]

Perhaps you are not called to the conjugal life, in marriage. Perhaps you are called to a different vocation - committed single, religious, or priesthood.

Most people are called to the vocation of marriage - this is true. But you are not “most people” - you are you. And if the opposite sex if not of interest to you, then don’t invest time in it.

If relationships with women are confusing to you, and not really of that much interest, then don’t pursue them.

There are plenty of other paths to holiness - including the single life, which the Church does recognize as a vocation.

You should try to discern this, before you try to start dating or courting women. Otherwise, you may end up wasting a your life on a vocation that you are not called to.

 

[Catholic_JIMMY]

I don’t really understand the dynamics of sexuality nor the chemistry that goes on between women and men even though I’ve written a number of poems dealing with just that subject, trying to rationalize my relationship to women. I find it so very strange that I’m able to talk fairly comfortably with the ladies at work, most of whom are older than me - some who I don’t find physically attractive, others I do - but most are married, and I leave it alone. I get along with women better than I do other men: it seems that most men are interested in sports, talking lewdly about other women, late nights, business, and more sports. While I can’t say that a similar streak doesn’t exist in me, as well, my faith has tamed me quite a bit. I am very much a mama’s boy, though, which has taught me much about women and their need for respect. It’s also taught me how to cook and clean.

What I don’t completely understand about myself and about male-to-female relationships is the fact that despite all of this background, I can’t find it in myself to say ‘hello’ to a single girl who I might be interested in, much less even look at her without flinching to avoid being noticed. I may have low self-esteem, but I also have it in me to say hello to strangers because I do it all the time, especially when I’m instilled by a greater sense of confidence of who I am as God’s child. I feel so cheap, so very sheepish, when I even think about approaching a girl who I’d like to be interested in. I get absolutely petrified and run, justifying my actions by saying, “Oh, she’s just not…” or “Oh, she’s too…” - and it’s not her, it’s me.

I don’t understand it.

I guess I bring this up since it’s spring, love is in the air, and I just got finished looking at an album of wedding pictures on Facebook. I don’t know that my vocation is to marriage, but I would really like to find a good, conservative Catholic girl to see if it is. Unfortunately, I don’t seem to be in any position socially to find her - and with no “Singles” or “Youth” group in the vicariate, my chances are even more diminished it seems.

I feel like I’m behind on life even if this is where God wants me to be.

Hey, your post reminds me of me. We should make a club (joke). However, your post really does remind me of me.