Being stood up by a friend

[EasterJoy]

… Friday morning I bumped into her on my way to work, when she asked ‘Are you free to come over tonight for tea’ I answered ‘No I have my work party how is tomorrow’ She said ‘We have my grandson but he will be gone by 7 so I will call you after that.’ Well, it is now 9:15 and my phone has not rung… how do I handle this. Do I act like nothing happened? Or do I say something?

Thoughts?

Angie

You should have called her at 8 o’clock. If her night had gone to h@ll in a handbasket, you graciously let her off the hook and go your own way.

Yes, even now I would say something, but out of concern: “I expected to hear from you Friday night…did everything go OK? I thought about calling, but I was afraid your plans with your grandson had taken a bad turn and I didn’t want to interrupt. Oh, you just forgot? Oh, well, I suppose I should have called, then!” The chances are not slim that she sat down to rest for a few minutes after he left, and simply fell asleep until it seemed too late to call you! She may be far too embarrassed to bring this up with you, and hope you’ll just let it pass. I don’t think that is the best idea, though.

If you have a spacey friend, you work out when to call them when they are late and you always have a Plan B. If they’ve stranded you a few times, be affectionate about it, but do not apologize for saying you’ve learned not to consider calling 9-11 when they don’t come through. When you’ve earned a bad reputation, it does not kill you to get ribbed about it a bit.

You’re going to have to decide if you can tolerate her lateness. Still, consider that you are asking her to tolerate your relative inability to be spontaneous because your home is usually an offense against hospitality. Mine usually is, too, don’t get me wrong! I only mean that we each have our faults, and limiting ourselves to friends with the same faults can be harder in the long run than teaching ourselves tolerance.

The truth is, I am not at all certain that tolerance will not be the main work that most of us have to do in order for Purgatory to fit us for an eternity spent with other human beings! Why expect that the Beatific Vision will require us to be perfected in every virtue, save charity?

 

[Anglewannabe]

Do you have her phone number? Maybe next time you can call her if more than 30 min have passed and you don’t hear from her…

Given the dynamics ie I usually initiated making plans, I felt I would be coming on too strong if I called after only 30 minutes. I was concerned I would have made her feel rushed to get rid of her grandson

 

[Anglewannabe]

You’re going to have to decide if you can tolerate her lateness.

I think it would be more accurate to say ‘Tolerate her cancelling plans all the time’. As it stands now, no matter how much I would love to be in denial ie it won’t happen again, I think the reality is, she is just not reliable and I think I need to be honest and admit I wouldn’t be able to live with that

 

[Anglewannabe]

You made very vague/casual plans and it didn’t work out (for any number of reasons). Refering to it as “being stood up” is a bit dramatic…

I think this is a matter of perspective. I am a planner and I will call around 7:30 means 'You will definitely hear from me by 8. If in her mind it means ‘vague plans’, then perhaps we are of 2 different mentalities and a friendship would not really work

By all means though ask her about it. I think it will help set your own mind at ease. But don’t make a big deal out of it - because it’s simply not a bid deal. You could just say something like “I take it your grandson ended up staying later the other night than you expected”. It gets the conversation rolling in a fairly non-confrontational manner. I imagine this is what happened and by the time he left she simply forgot you’d made (very vague) plans or thought it was too late to call.

Well… since it has been 2 days now and she didn’t call, I don’t think I want to go out of my way to contact her just to bring it up. Agreed I should not make a bid deal out of it but not sure I have the Dale Carnegie skills to talk about it in a non confrontational manner.

 

[underacloud]

I think this is a matter of perspective. I am a planner and I will call around 7:30 means 'You will definitely hear from me by 8. If in her mind it means ‘vague plans’, then perhaps we are of 2 different mentalities and a friendship would not really work.

I agree with what Easterjoy said above regarding having friends who may not fit our own ideals of behaviour and socialisation. Heaven will be full of such people, and people who you find difficult now. You’ll need to cope with it sooner or later.

If I cut friendship with people who said “I’ll give you a call” but didn’t, I’d lose most of my friends. And if the ones left cut me out for saying I’d call but I didn’t, I’d be very lonely.

Angie you’ve just got to learn to cut people some slack. Whether it’s at work or in your personal life. Lower your expectations of others and you’ll find yourself disappointed less often.

 

[Mary_Estelle]

Actually she is only in her mid fifties and I am in my mid 40s so the age difference isn’t really an issue. The thing is she initiated this one.

Alzhiemer’s can start early-as early as in the 30’s and not be noticeable. Everyone ages differently. Not saying that is the problem, but there my be other factors to consider. Peace.

 

[Aggie414]

I once had a friend like that – only she wouldn’t commit to plans at all because she might get a better offer. So I just went ahead with whatever I was doing – either alone or with other friends. If she joined us, fine; if not, her loss. Eventually people quit inviting when you constantly flake out or won’t give an answer.

Some people are just inconsiderate. I know others have suggested it could be early onset of Alzheimer’s or some other mental disease but it could be she just is inconsiderate and doesn’t think of others. Either way you can’t control her, you can only control you.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think it would be more accurate to say ‘Tolerate her cancelling plans all the time’. As it stands now, no matter how much I would love to be in denial ie it won’t happen again, I think the reality is, she is just not reliable and I think I need to be honest and admit I wouldn’t be able to live with that

Ask her what happened this last time, so you will not be judging rashly. If she just “forgot,” then tell her, “oh, well, next time you’re fifteen minutes late, I’ll call. (which she deserves, since it has happened more than once)” If she hems and haws about that whatsoever, then say, “Maybe it would be better if we didn’t make plans. You are a lovely person, but we may not be the best social match.” Do not accept backtracking, but insist that you don’t want her changing herself for you.

If she claims some right to cancel at the last minute because she is “not up to” a social invitation that she agreed to, rather than being sick, quit inviting her.