BEST Marriage advice given?

[Tonyo]

Is not happening to you that when you are going through a marital crisis someone, out of affection and with all good intention, try to help and told you: "Do not be silly, you’re worth much, you should not let happen to you that "?

Someone once told me that in every marriage he knew that worked, one of the spouses was “playing the fool”; wanting this mean that one of them forgive, look away, give in, served, pretended not to see… with trust, hope and patience, to a degree that the World would consider beyond the bare minimum or simply unhealthy for current standards.

I would add that, given the wear always being the “dumb”, the ideal would be to take over from the role And after the storm will came the time to take the decision or remedy. But, as recommended by S. Ignacio: “in time of distress do not change”.

Remember that the cross was a source of ridicule and scandal. But for us, it is the greatest sign of love.

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

This is SOOOOO true! I made the mistake of doing way too much for my husband early on in the marriage, and it’s almost impossible to turn back the tide… but I keep trying anyway!

Great suggestions from everyone here - I love them!

I really hope DH and I can come out of this soon. I am hoping to either find a job or start school eventually (two years married, and I’ve been unemployed MOST of that time. Thanks alot, economy) The thing is, since he was working and I wasn’t, I took on all the household chores. I cook, clean, and even do laundry on occasion. I had a good 9 months where I was working full time (at an exceedingly stressful and abusive job (hence why it was only 9 months)), coming home, cleaning everything, making dinner, then cleaning up after that, then falling asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, and spending the next day telling him how sorry I was that we hadn’t had sex in a week.

He says that he wants me to teach him how to cook and clean (he knows how, he just wants to make this is hard as possible! LOL) so he can help pull his own weight, but there is a certain amount of trepidation on my part since he never really did this like he said he would when I was working full time. The thing is, he’s the clean one of the coupling, and I have to clean to HIS standards so it gets really irritating for me who just doesn’t have his standards.

So yes, GREAT marriage advice is don’t start something that you don’t want to do the rest of your life, circumstances or no.

Also, communication. I know this is probably the most repeated word, but it is for good reason. Talk to them about EVERYTHING. For example, the above situation has been made known to my spouse time and time again. I will also keep bringing it up if I think he’s slacking off on it and wanting to fall back in to old habits. Likewise, he does the same with me when he thinks I am not pulling my own weight. (Being unemployed sucks. Some days I am just so depressed about it I stay on the couch and just watch sappy movies all day and leave a mess with my books, clothes, and food after I see that there are no new positions posted in the paper to apply for) Sometimes it really takes him giving me a metaphorical swift kick in the rear to get up and get moving so I don’t collapse into a self-defeatism blob of depression. As soon as something bothers you, bring it up! They aren’t a mind reader! Also, if there is something you want, communicate it to them! Make sure that you always do so in a way that is respectful and benefical though. The biggest killer of communication is nagging. Avoid nagging at all costs! If you want a date night, tell them before you start getting angry at the lack of date nights. And so on.

Communicate, communicate, communicate!

 

[Lifeisawesome]

Pray with your spouse

 

[Noisseh]

Men have trouble taking their leadership in the family. Early in our marriage, my wife forced me to take mine simply by saying, “Well, I guess if you don’t do it, it won’t get done!”

The other part of that is for the wife and children to take their proper position under that leadership. Authority and submission have not been an issue in our marriage. Because my wife chooses to submit to my leadership, she is the most liberated woman on the planet. After all, who has to live with the consequences of that leadership?!?

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

Men have trouble taking their leadership in the family. Early in our marriage, my wife forced me to take mine simply by saying, “Well, I guess if you don’t do it, it won’t get done!”

The other part of that is for the wife and children to take their proper position under that leadership. Authority and submission have not been an issue in our marriage. Because my wife chooses to submit to my leadership, she is the most liberated woman on the planet. After all, who has to live with the consequences of that leadership?!?

I know some women are probably gunna read this and freak out…but he’s SOOOOO right! My husband is the leader of our little family, and when he feels like he’s in charge, he takes such good care of me and is so loving and attentive. it makes him feel like a man, and…well it always works out for me!

 

[Noisseh]

The reason people freak out is that they don’t properly understand what Paul teaches in Ephesians. The man of the family has to love his wife as Christ loves the Church. He also has to submit to Christ, who is over him.There is no room here for abusers or domineering personalities! Leadership, in Christ’s eyes, always requires humility.

Whitaker Girl is correct in saying that it takes a big load off of her and the children. She is experiencing the freedom that I was talking about. And, it sure makes for a more loving and peaceful home for all involved.

One of my favorite quotes on leadership comes from a 4 star general. He says, “You must love those you lead before you can be an effective leader. You can certainly** command **without that sense of commitment, but you cannot **lead **without it. And, without leadership, command is a hallow experience, a vacuum often filled with mistrust and arrogance.”

 

[mrpathetic]

After 20 years of marriage, what advice could I give?

Always put the other spouse first - ahead of yourself.

This is no more true in the marriage bed. In the marriage bed, you give your spouse pleasure first. Make that the priority, rather than your own pleasure. I think this is the true meaning behind 1 Corinthians 7. (This passage should be mandatory reading, for anyone preparing for marriage.)

Sex is the glue that can keep a marriage together. If you have a healthy sex life, then your marriage will grow fruitful. And if you make the pleasure of your spouse the priority, then your spouse will want to return there.

I speak from experience. My wife refusing to have sex with me. She never received pleasure there, for various reasons. As a result, our entire marriage has suffered. I don’t think we will ever divorce, but our marriage is permanently damaged. I am trying to repair the damage, but I don’t know if it will work.

 

[Cajun_Catholic_1]

After 20 years of marriage, what advice could I give?

Always put the other spouse first - ahead of yourself.

I speak from experience. My wife refusing to have sex with me. She never received pleasure there, for various reasons. As a result, our entire marriage has suffered. I don’t think we will ever divorce, but our marriage is permanently damaged. I am trying to repair the damage, but I don’t know if it will work.

This is unfortunate for you and your wife. Perhaps there is a physical problem causing the uncomfortable nature of marital relations for you/her. Could you encourage her to seek advice from a woman’s health specialist or even a woman’s health physical therapist? If it’s an emotional disconnection you and your wife are experiencing, open the lines of communication with her and suggest couples therapy or sex therapy. I have older friends who rant and rave about what it has done for their marriage.

You are to be commended for you commitment to her and keeping the marriage going no matter what difficulties you face.

 

[mrpathetic]

Yes, physical issues are part of the problem. My wife had a hysterectomy 9 years ago. She also had more abdomenal surgery last year. My wife has no desire for sex anymore.

However, there’s a lot more going on. We had nearly a decade of sexlessness, before these physical problems began. My wife has serious SSA issues, and has abandoned Christianity completely. She now considers herself an agnostic, and has no relationship to God.

But I am not 100% blameless. I have been a terrible lover for most of our marriage, and I have never really been able to satisfy my wife sexually. That was entirely under my control, and I have to accept that. And I travelled for business for much of my marriage, particularly during the early years; this only served to further isolate myself from my spouse. This was my choice, not hers, so I have to take the blame for that.

So there is a lot going on here. I am trying to piece back together my marriage, which isn’t being made any easier by my work and financial difficulties. The problems seem insurmountable; it is only with the grace of God that I will be able to overcome them.

So to reiterate my response to the OP: maintaining a healthy sex life, over the entire course of a marrriage, is extremely important. It may not be the single most important factor in having a marriage. But it is often the biggest factor in an unhappy marriage. And once you allow the sex life to deteriorate, it is extremely difficult to bring it back.

 

[Fidelis_Unus]

Yes, physical issues are part of the problem. My wife had a hysterectomy 9 years ago. She also had more abdomenal surgery last year. My wife has no desire for sex anymore.

However, there’s a lot more going on. We had nearly a decade of sexlessness, before these physical problems began. My wife has serious SSA issues, and has abandoned Christianity completely. She now considers herself an agnostic, and has no relationship to God.

But I am not 100% blameless. I have been a terrible lover for most of our marriage, and I have never really been able to satisfy my wife sexually. That was entirely under my control, and I have to accept that. And I travelled for business for much of my marriage, particularly during the early years; this only served to further isolate myself from my spouse. This was my choice, not hers, so I have to take the blame for that.

So there is a lot going on here. I am trying to piece back together my marriage, which isn’t being made any easier by my work and financial difficulties. The problems seem insurmountable; it is only with the grace of God that I will be able to overcome them.

So to reiterate my response to the OP: maintaining a healthy sex life, over the entire course of a marrriage, is extremely important. It may not be the single most important factor in having a marriage. But it is often the biggest factor in an unhappy marriage. And once you allow the sex life to deteriorate, it is extremely difficult to bring it back.

SSA? Is this anxiety? Sounds as though you are in a difficult place and I must say, I;m impressed with your desire to improve things. Have you considered Retrouvaille? My husband and I went and it changed everything for us. I know one couple whose divorce was almost final and they made this last ditch effort, after some really horrible situations, and they have a vibrant and strong marriage now. It’s hard when you don’t share a faith, my husband is agnostic, too, but not impossible.

no selling, just saying. Ir really worked for us. I pray you find the answer that works for you as well. Have to agree, putting your spouses needs first is important, desires too, sometimes.