Best philosophical joke!

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Neil’s Bohr had a horseshoe nailed to the wall of his office. Someone commented to him that surely one of the world’s greatest scientists didn’t believe in such hokey good luck charms. Bohr replied that apparently they worked whether you believed in them or not.

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He used to lay awake in bed wondering if there was a dog.

Thank you. I’m here all week. Try the veal, it’s delicious…
 
What’s the difference between an optimist, a pessimist,and a Philosophy grad?

The optimist says, “The glass is half full.”
The pessimist says, “The glass is half empty.”
The philosophy grad says, “Refill your glass, sir?”
 
This is recycling someone else’s joke, but here goes anyway…

Dalai Lama and Descartes are in a pizza joint. The pizza guy says to the Dala Lama, “What’ll you have?”

The Dalai Lama says, “Make me one with everything.”

He asks Descartes, “What about you?”

Descartes replies, “I think not,” and disappears.

Pizza guy then asks the Dalai Lama, “Who are those two guys yelling in the corner?”

The Dalai Lama replies, “Oh, that’s just Freud and Magritte, arguing over smokes again.”
 
Central America, ca. 100 BC:

Mayan #1: “I just invented the zero!”

Mayan #2: “Really?? What’s that???”

Mayan #1: “Oh, it’s really nothing.”
 
Sherlock Holmes and Watson went camping, and went to bed late at night. Sometime during the night they both woke up. Holmes said “Watson what do you see?” Watson answered "Astronomically I see myriads and myriads of stars and planets each with their own orbiting satelites Astrologically, I see that Saturn is in Pluto, Meteorologically, Tomorrow will be partly cloudy, with temperatures in the low eighties, Horologically, it’s about 3:30 AM, Theologically, When I contemplate the order and completeness of the universe, I favor the concept of an Intelligent designer. What do you see Holmes? Watson, you idiot, someone stole our tent!
 
A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.

The wife says, “Is it a boy or a girl?”

The logician says, “Yes.”
 
Proofs that p

Davidson’s proof that p:
Let us make the following bold conjecture: p

Wallace’s proof that p:
Davidson has made the following bold conjecture: p

Grunbaum:
As I have asserted again and again in previous publications, p.

Putnam:
Some philosophers have argued that not-p, on the grounds that q. It would be an interesting exercise to count all the fallacies in this “argument”. (It’s really awful, isn’t it?) Therefore p.

Rawls:
It would be nice to have a deductive argument that p from self- evident premises. Unfortunately I am unable to provide one. So I will have to rest content with the following intuitive considerations in its support: p.

Unger:
Suppose it were the case that not-p. It would follow from this that someone knows that q. But on my view, no one knows anything whatsoever. Therefore p. (Unger believes that the louder you say this argument, the more persuasive it becomes).

Katz:
I have seventeen arguments for the claim that p, and I know of only four for the claim that not-p. Therefore p.

Lewis:
Most people find the claim that not-p completely obvious and when I assert p they give me an incredulous stare. But the fact that they find not- p obvious is no argument that it is true; and I do not know how to refute an incredulous stare. Therefore, p.

Fodor:
My argument for p is based on three premises:
Code:
    q
    r
    and
    p 


From these, the claim that p deductively follows. Some people may find the third premise controversial, but it is clear that if we replaced that premise by any other reasonable premise, the argument would go through just as well.
Sellars’ proof that p:
Unfortunately limitations of space prevent it from being included here, but important parts of the proof can be found in each of the articles in the attached bibliography.

Earman:
There are solutions to the field equations of general relativity in which space-time has the structure of a four- dimensional Klein bottle and in which there is no matter. In each such space-time, the claim that not-p is false. Therefore p.

Goodman:
Zabludowski has insinuated that my thesis that p is false, on the basis of alleged counterexamples. But these so- called “counterexamples” depend on construing my thesis that p in a way that it was obviously not intended – for I intended my thesis to have no counterexamples. Therefore p.

.
Code:
Outline Of A Proof That P (1):
Saul Kripke

Some philosophers have argued that not-p. But none of them seems to me to have made a convincing argument against the intuitive view that this is not the case. Therefore, p.
_________________

(1) This outline was prepared hastily -- at the editor's insistence -- from a taped manuscript of a lecture. Since I was not even given the opportunity to revise the first draft before publication, I cannot be held responsible for any lacunae in the (published version of the) argument, or for any fallacious or garbled inferences resulting from faulty preparation of the typescript. Also, the argument now seems to me to have problems which I did not know when I wrote it, but which I can't discuss here, and which are completely unrelated to any criticisms that have appeared in the literature (or that I have seen in manuscript); all such criticisms misconstrue my argument. It will be noted that the present version of the argument seems to presuppose the (intuitionistically unacceptable) law of double negation. But the argument can easily be reformulated in a way that avoids employing such an inference rule. I hope to expand on these matters further in a separate monograph.
Routley and Meyer:
If (q & not-q) is true, then there is a model for p. Therefore p.

Plantinga:
It is a modal theorem that <>]p → ]p. Surely its possible thatp must be true. Thus ]p. But it is a modal theorem that ]p → p. Therefore p.

Chisholm:
P-ness is self-presenting. Therefore, p.

Morganbesser:
If not p, what? q maybe?
I have to p after reading that.😃

To p or not to p. That is the question.
 
These arguments are absurd.
There is no point to not-p.
If you want to not-p, you had better q.
Look, either q or get off the pot.
 
I read these two funny jokes today.

A Buddhist approached a Hot Dog stand and asked the vendor, “Make me one with everything.”



The Buddhist then pays with a $20 bill and gets nothing back. He asks for his change and the hot dog vendor tells him “change comes from within”.
 
Reminds me:

I have the body of a god . . . Buddha

My wife treats me like a god. Every night she serves me burnt offerings.
 
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