Best way to handle this?

[heidi_storage]

The OP’s husband has mentally abused the OP. And has physically abused their son.

He plays this passive aggressive game all the time. And normally the son is the pawn.

So, yes, it does say a lot about the relationship between the OP and her husband.

Yeah, I’ve been following mega1’s threads. It’s just sad.

 

[mega1]

I understand that those who have been following my story…will see my husband in a way that often I am unable to see him.
I went to therapy today and my therapist said that I am just NOW starting to take the blinders off…
She likens it to being at the mad hatters tea party for years and not able to see that you are surrounded by chaos…instead you are used to it.
So, I’m working on stepping back and “owning my reality”.

As for this issue of childcare while I have surgery…she pressed me and said what is the overall theme in your relationship? CAN YOU DEPEND ON YOUR HUSBAND?
I said well sometimes…she said…well, is “sometimes” good enough …to depend on …with your son’s care at stake? I obviously said no…

So, I am lining up childcare for my son for all of next week…just in case I am not capable of watching him. I don’t know if I will have to take meds…but I can’t depend on myself to juggle chaos
when I am trying to recover. WHAT IF…is the question I need to ask myself… I need to stand up …and prevent chaos before it even unfolds.

The question she left me with…do you really want your husband by your side when you are going through surgery? I’m still trying to answer that. Otherwise, I will be alone.

Now, I should also state in response to the previous posts…my husband pushed my son several times when he was about 4-5 years old. In one case, he kicked him but he said it was an “accident”…

I DID have CPS intervene and he went to anger therapy for a short time. He has not physically hurt my son since that time…

 

[NFPWife]

Your therapist seems to really have a handle on this. I like that you’re planning the childcare without relying on him. You can’t have him dropping the ball when you’re trying to recover and get well.

Here are my thoughts, obviously, run this past your therapist.

As you continue to come to grips with the fact that you can’t depend on him; proceed accordingly (like you’re doing on this childcare issue.) You work everything through on your own. I’d extend that to the financial too. Figure out how to live on just your income, including moving if necessary, and set things up so you’re not depending on him.

If he does step up in an area - you acknowledge that (briefly, don’t throw him a parade) and move on. For instance, if he gets a profitable free lance gig, you review your debts and apply it to that. You don’t plan as if he’s bringing it in all the time. When he can’t do childcare, you arrange it, etc. One of two things will happen, you’ll remove all his “trump” cards and he’ll see that he has to really step up because he has no leverage. Or, you’ll see that you really can do this on your own and it’ll be that much easier to jump ship because you’ve gotten the boat really close to the dock.

 

[mega1]

I think that is really great advice…although, I get the sense that my therapist would prefer I take action sooner than later.
She’s good…she is a specialist on co-dependence and she has shown me quite a few things about my own experiences and how they may have led to my denial.

I guess what scares me is her lack of objectivity. But, I have told the stories as truthfully as I can…and she is just judging situations based on the actions I have portrayed in situations with my husband.

I’m still pretty deep in denial. I get scared to face the music. I even sat awake last night wondering for a bit if I should quit therapy and just try to keep progressing on my own. But, once again, I went to another session and realized that is just my fear based reaction. This is the closest ive come to reality in a long time…and I still have a LONG way to go.

My recent successes? I have given up all alcohol. I was drinking a lot. Too much. I hadn’t been able to go without wine for ONE DAY – for the past 7 years.

Now? I haven’t had a drop of alcohol in 12 days. I’m doing great. Husband has tested me several times…trying to offer me wine even though I told him I had given it up.
But, he has since stopped doing that…although he is still drinking at least 4 drinks a day… (estimated guess).

And…I am getting clear headed and standing a little more ground with small things…but it’s progress. It is scary how atrophied my willpower had become… and it STILL is…I’m a long way from healed.
But, losing alcohol is NIGHT and DAY! I was drinking a bottle a day… most days. No more. I’m proud of myself.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think that is really great advice…although, I get the sense that my therapist would prefer I take action sooner than later.
She’s good…she is a specialist on co-dependence and she has shown me quite a few things about my own experiences and how they may have led to my denial.

I guess what scares me is her lack of objectivity. But, I have told the stories as truthfully as I can…and she is just judging situations based on the actions I have portrayed in situations with my husband.

I’m still pretty deep in denial. I get scared to face the music. I even sat awake last night wondering for a bit if I should quit therapy and just try to keep progressing on my own. But, once again, I went to another session and realized that is just my fear based reaction. This is the closest ive come to reality in a long time…and I still have a LONG way to go.

My recent successes? I have given up all alcohol. I was drinking a lot. Too much. I hadn’t been able to go without wine for ONE DAY – for the past 7 years.

Now? I haven’t had a drop of alcohol in 12 days. I’m doing great. Husband has tested me several times…trying to offer me wine even though I told him I had given it up.
But, he has since stopped doing that…although he is still drinking at least 4 drinks a day… (estimated guess).

And…I am getting clear headed and standing a little more ground with small things…but it’s progress. It is scary how atrophied my willpower had become… and it STILL is…I’m a long way from healed.
But, losing alcohol is NIGHT and DAY! I was drinking a bottle a day… most days. No more. I’m proud of myself.

You are coming out of a slavery. Stick with that counsellor. The prison you felt safe in can lure you back in, even if it was a hell hole. Millions could tell you their stories to prove it. You know there are not millions of stories about people who did what you are tempted to do and came out glad that they did, right?

To believe that she is more objective than you are (and she is, let us not equivocate about that) is going to take an effort like flying an airplane on instruments. What your body feels is going to tell you to stop trusting the instruments. Trust the instruments. Could the instruments be wrong? Oh, it is possible. The thing to remind yourself of is that 100 times more crashes follow from not following instruments that were true than wrongly following instruments that were malfunctioning. It might be a million times more, for that matter, in this particular case.

You know where your own sense of things has gotten you, when you are under the sway of manipulation, fear, or inertia. Don’t let that be your guide. Dare to stick with your best hope, which is the objective assessment of a guide who has brought many through the scary wilderness that you are travelling now.

Pray to heaven for help and intercession and row away from the rocks! Stick with that counsellor. If it gets scary and you want to give up on her, see her a little more often!

 

[MJJean]

You are coming out of a slavery. Stick with that counsellor. The prison you felt safe in can lure you back in, even if it was a hell hole. Millions could tell you their stories to prove it. You know there are not millions of stories about people who did what you are tempted to do and came out glad that they did, right?

To believe that she is more objective than you are (and she is, let us not equivocate about that) is going to take an effort like flying an airplane on instruments. What your body feels is going to tell you to stop trusting the instruments. Trust the instruments. Could the instruments be wrong? Oh, it is possible. The thing to remind yourself of is that 100 times more crashes follow from not following instruments that were true than wrongly following instruments that were malfunctioning. It might be a million times more, for that matter, in this particular case.

You know where your own sense of things has gotten you, when you are under the sway of manipulation, fear, or inertia. Don’t let that be your guide. Dare to stick with your best hope, which is the objective assessment of a guide who has brought many through the scary wilderness that you are travelling now.

Pray to heaven for help and intercession and row away from the rocks! Stick with that counsellor. If it gets scary and you want to give up on her, see her a little more often!

Right!

 

[mega1]

That was such a great response, EasterJoy. Thank you…and I know you are right. I’m really trying to focus… and stay true to my goals.

I asked my husband today for his schedule for the next 2 months. I am interviewing college kids/nannies tomorrow to help me balance everything out…

And I flat out asked my husband if he made his salary goals last month. At first he told me he didn’t know…so I told him to go find out. Turns out he did not.

He said…so I don’t make the goal…you think I should just give up on this freelance stuff?

I said…I think you just need to chase those goals and apply for jobs …as a back up if you feel you can’t meet the salary amount.

What’s interesting…is that the big “reason” he wanted to do this freelance stuff was so we could save on childcare. He’s right we haven’t really had to spend a lot…because he hasn’t had many full days of work. But, now that our son is out of school (tomorrow) he is not against hiring a nanny. He says he can’t work from home and watch our son… He has a total of FOUR work days scheduled in the next 8 weeks.

In addition to this…he has a client who is very large! My husband is in the bid process for a 20 thousand dollar project. It would be terrific. But, the guy is “too gruff” for him and he said “it may not even be worth the money to deal with him”… “nightmare client”

I said…he’s offering you a chance at a 20 thousand dollar project. We need the money! He said “if you insist…I will do it.”

Well…he’s nowhere close to getting the bid…and I will not be surprised if he tells me next week… “I didn’t get the gig”…

I mean…here I am trying to own my reality. Husband knows we are hard up for money. And he is PICKING and CHOOSING who he wants to apply for bids with?!

It’s not FOREVER…it’s just ONE project…that wouldn’t take more than 30 days.

That’s not what a responsible husband would do, right?

 

[EasterJoy]

That’s not what a responsible husband would do, right?

The amount of second-guessing you subject yourself to sounds like your husband has had you gas lighted. Seriously, talk to your counselor and believe your counselor, because your counselor is going to tell you this: You do not need me to tell you that. You have the authority to answer for yourself, and you know your answer. You know what is and what is not acceptable, and your judgments are not too harsh. Your sense is believable and your judgment is just and fair. Stick with what you know in your gut is true. When you do that, when you stick up for the truth you can see as plain as daylight, and do it without making any apologies, your gut is going to give you a lot less trouble.

 

[EasterJoy]

Do not be too hard on yourself about having to learn to believe in and exert your own authority. Many people come to their conclusions by listening and by finding a consensus. That is not a sign of weakness. What you have to learn, however, is that this is a style of decision-making that manipulative people will try to exploit. Your job is to learn to exclude people who have made a bad use of your system of decision-making. Find others to confide in, others to bounce your ideas with. The ones you are looking for will not seize your decisions from you. Instead, they’ll help you to come to see what *you *think, so you can make your own decision having had their help to know your own mind. Those are very good friends to have to listen to and to talk to. Don’t let the people who don’t deserve your trust teach you to shut out everyone, even the deserving.

If they’ve lied to you, manipulated you, or taken your decisions from you, don’t use them in that capacity. Even well-meaning people will try to substitute their sense of things for yours–these are not all bad people trying to gain control for their own ends. They are trying to seize control that belongs to you, though, so they need to be excluded from your inner circle where you explore your own thoughts.

It’s a process, this learning how to know your own best sense of where to take yourself. Everyone has to go through it. The people who only listen to their own counsel are not as vulnerable to manipulation, but they have the job of learning from others who can help them see even things about themselves that they don’t see as clearly all by themselves. Don’t think it is just you–it is not!

 

[mega1]

Thank you… Yes. I really need to trust my gut FIRST…

Here’s something I have been wrestling with. For the first time I WANT to separate. I want to try it for awhile. But I don’t want to hurt our son in the process.

Because I am the one supporting our family 80 percent of the way… And I’m the one with the bad schedule… I’m thinking of moving into an apartment and for our son’s sake … Letting him stay in his “home” with my husband.

Legally, I can have my husband sign something that says my moving out won’t affect my child custody rights down the road.

The problem is my son needs to sleep in one place. And I’d rather him in his home than a tiny apartment.

Does this sound reasonable? Or stupid on my part?

My son is just now getting stable in this latest house. I don’t want to disrupt that.

 

[1ke]

I’m thinking of moving into an apartment and for our son’s sake … Letting him stay in his “home” with my husband.

You’ve got to be kidding.

 

[mega1]

Well the problem is if I stay in the house w my son… 80 percent of the time he will end up in my husband’s little apartment…or my husband would be in “my” house. Wouldn’t it be better for my boy to stay put?

 

[venite_adoremus]

Well the problem is if I stay in the house w my son… 80 percent of the time he will end up in my husband’s little apartment…or my husband would be in “my” house. Wouldn’t it be better for my boy to stay put?

Keep him with you, is what my heart is saying. Where he’ll be fed. Where child care will be under your control. Where you will know what’s happening. Mega1, I’m joining this in the middle of your story, but you’ve already come such a long way. If you separate, future meetings with your husband should be on neutral ground.

Don’t fear the surgery. We’ll all be there with you. That’s what the communion of saints is all about.

 

[Marysann]

Mega1, DO NOT LEAVE YOUR SON!!! I am a former child welfare caseworker. If you were to someday attempt to get custody of your son, your husband’s attorney could accuse you of abandonment. A judge just might buy it, thinking that if your husband was so emotionally abusiive as your attorney said, why would you leave your son with him. Please don’t even consider such a move.

 

[1ke]

Well the problem is if I stay in the house w my son… 80 percent of the time he will end up in my husband’s little apartment…or my husband would be in “my” house. Wouldn’t it be better for my boy to stay put?

I don’t think you are getting it. You should not leave your home OR your son. It is your husband who needs to leave the house. You get a nanny, au pair, daycare service, a babysitter, etc, for your son’s care.

You need to talk to an attorney who specializes in family law. You are paying the mortgage on the house, and if I recall it’s in your name, so NO you do not leave your house. You also do not leave your son or send him off with your husband. You ask your husband to leave, you change the locks, whatever it is your attorney recommends you do to establish legal separation. And before you ask your husband to leave you make sure you are not on one single credit card of his and he is NOT on any of yours and that he will not have access to your bank account or any other way to get money from you or run up more bills.

And when he leaves you do not pay one single bill of his.

 

[MJJean]

I don’t think you are getting it. You should not leave your home OR your son. It is your husband who needs to leave the house. You get a nanny, au pair, daycare service, a babysitter, etc, for your son’s care.

You need to talk to an attorney who specializes in family law. You are paying the mortgage on the house, and if I recall it’s in your name, so NO you do not leave your house. You also do not leave your son or send him off with your husband. You ask your husband to leave, you change the locks, whatever it is your attorney recommends you do to establish legal separation. And before you ask your husband to leave you make sure you are not on one single credit card of his and he is NOT on any of yours and that he will not have access to your bank account or any other way to get money from you or run up more bills.

And when he leaves you do not pay one single bill of his.

Exactly!

Considering the fact that he runs up debt and siphons off the household account to pay for his “home business” expenses I am willing to bet that once he doesn’t have access to your income and has no way to run up debt in your name you will find you have ample funds to pay for in childcare in your home so that your boy can stay with you.

 

[mega1]

Well we are both guilty of spending above our means. There is no question of that.
It isn’t just him. Although, he is the one who has continued to use my insurance money to cover the bills for his business… Because he just wasn’t making enough.

But bottom line, we are financially on the edge and it is both our fault. I can’t deny my role in it. And while I am improving I am not perfect.

I am interviewing nannies today and my son said “what about Dad?” I said well does Dad watch you and play with you while you are home? He said “No, he’s always at his computer telling me to go watch TV”. I said well what about a nanny who will have a job specifically to spend time with you? He said that would be cool! I said great…

So I guess this will be a blessing. Just hard for me to swallow. I’m trying.

Unsolicited he did say I wish YOU could stay home with me. I said I was trying to figure out a way… Soon. He said the best part of summer break is spending the mornings with me. I just hugged him and told him I loved him.

 

[agnes_therese]

She’s good…she is a specialist on co-dependence and she has shown me quite a few things about my own experiences and how they may have led to my denial.

I guess what scares me is her lack of objectivity.

Look at those two sentences. Now, who really has a lack of objectivity?

I’m still pretty deep in denial. I get scared to face the music. I even sat awake last night wondering for a bit if I should quit therapy and just try to keep progressing on my own.

NO! and No, and No, and again , NO!

Now? I haven’t had a drop of alcohol in 12 days. I’m doing great. Husband has tested me several times…trying to offer me wine even though I told him I had given it up.
But, he has since stopped doing that…although he is still drinking at least 4 drinks a day… (estimated guess).

Gee, how supportive of him. You do see what he was doing there, don’t you?

But, losing alcohol is NIGHT and DAY! I was drinking a bottle a day… most days. No more. I’m proud of myself.

Good for you! That’s wonderful!

 

[mega1]

Great points Agnes Therese. You are correct in that… Hard for me to be objective when I’m stuck in denial.

I went to call the divorce attorney today and I stopped … Still paralyzed.

But I’m going to do this. It may take til next week … But I’m going to do it.

My Mom just kept telling me before than my husband is my cross to bear. But I am slowly recognizing that is not a healthy mindset. God doesn’t want me to live with my head in the sand… As scary as that is. I’m trying!

Thanks so much for the support here… You guys are amazing.

 

[Luvz2travel]

I am in therapy. Working on major codepence issues and trying to gain perspective and strength. Really making progress (according to therapist )

However, because some areas need so much work… I often don’t know appropriate response or reaction.

Case in point. Husband works freelance. Leaves the house for a job maybe once or twice a week. He also is in charge on picking up our son from school since i work full time.

Lately he is forgetting about childcare. Last week he wanted me to take our son to work since he got a job. I couldn’t accommodate… So he begged a parent/school friend to help out in a pinch. Third time he’s done this.

Well 2 weeks ago he set up another job. I though he would be done by 2:30. But tonight he told me he just realized that he never got a sitter for our son. So, son is home sick and now I have to call in sick to work tomorrow.

I can’t hire a sitter who I don’t know to watch our sick son.

What is appropriate response to this?

Sounds like he’s doing all this to control you. There’s not really much you can do when he’s involving your son and he knows this…just saying.