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Luvz2travel
Guest
Exactly what I was trying to get at.
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EasterJoy
Guest
If your husband were an otherwise solid person that you simply do not happen to get along with, that would be one thing. That is not what he is. He is a manipulative person, and he lacks integrity.
Ask a fellow adult who has a manipulative parent whether it would be good for someone with a parent with those behavior patterns to spend time with them and get yourself knit closely with them. Do you think he’s able to run guilt trips on you now? What he has done to you is nothing compared to the web he could knit up around your son.
Your son needs you. With you, sometimes the news is good and sometimes the news is bad, but up is up, down is down, black is black, white is white, the light is on or it is off. You will have to apologize for having been on the wrong track, sometimes, but with you whatever really happened will always be what really happened. What is true won’t morph into something else as the situation calls for it. That is the foundation for a healthy psyche. A “reality” that shifts out from under you, as you know very well, erodes the psyche.
That is why you should not leave your son in your husband’s custody. Your son doesn’t need the unreliable and unpredictable parent to be the constant thread and the reliable and predictable parent to be here and then not here. You cannot help that you have to spend a lot of time to put food on the table, but you can help whether you are with your son when the opportunity is there. Don’t let anyone pry that away from you.
Your mother’s stance in favor of marriage is laudable, but it does not take into account the ongoing harm to you and your son that is done by staying with an emotionally damaging person. If your mom could see the bruises on your psyche showing on the skin of your arms and legs, she’d have you out of there in a heartbeat–or at least, I hope she would.
Besides, if you are going to help your husband to heaven, the last thing he needs is for you to stand by and excuse what he’s been doing. If it is in his capacity to stop what he’s been doing, he needs to stop. If it is not, well, he is no more culpable that a shark or a wolf, but that still doesn’t mean you ought not distance yourself from the danger he poses.
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mega1
Guest
You all are a wealth of insight and perspective. Again…thank you. Coming here comes me on the right course and in tune with the big picture…
My Mom and I are not close and through therapy I am realizing that this will probably never change and many of MY problems stem from the fact that I was raised a
very difficult environment. I have been exposed to so much as a kid…that I accept my current issues as “normal” or “fine” because my comparison is extreme.
My Mom and sister …they are both extremely religious. Mass everyday…their FB pages are nothing but scriptures and pictures of saints etc. But, they don’t work …
they live with their heads down and block out anything or anyone who has a different perspective. They are EXTREME Catholics who don’t even acknowledge gay people at mass etc.
The man who raped me as a teenager…my Mom called me a year ago out of the blue to tell me she ran into him at Church and wanted to let me know “he said to say hello”…
I started to cry and asked why she would call me to tell me this when she knew how painful that was for me???
She said that she has forgiven him and that she was telling me this because I need to do the same…and realize he’s just another child of God.
So…through therapy I am realizing…this is my life and leaning on my Mother or sister…is not the answer. I once called my Mom crying and asked if she would talk with me and she told me abruptly that I needed to find a “spiritual coach” and that was all … she didn’t want to talk to me about anything.
That is why I think I look at my marriage and the behavior’s of my husband and think…we are FINE…my son will be FINE…he is SO much better off than I was …
But, then I realize my husband suggested I write light por*/erotic ebooks for money…while he was out of work.
When I asked to help adjust our budget or reduce my hours …he suggested he ask his parents to support us …so I could quit my job and try to make money in another niche…
He is very negative and can be cruel when I question anything about his behavior of workload…
Very selfish and likes to keep me down…at his level… instead of working to improve our lives and spirituality…
I NEED to keep these reminders engrained in my head!
My Mom and I are not close and through therapy I am realizing that this will probably never change and many of MY problems stem from the fact that I was raised a
very difficult environment. I have been exposed to so much as a kid…that I accept my current issues as “normal” or “fine” because my comparison is extreme.
My Mom and sister …they are both extremely religious. Mass everyday…their FB pages are nothing but scriptures and pictures of saints etc. But, they don’t work …
they live with their heads down and block out anything or anyone who has a different perspective. They are EXTREME Catholics who don’t even acknowledge gay people at mass etc.
The man who raped me as a teenager…my Mom called me a year ago out of the blue to tell me she ran into him at Church and wanted to let me know “he said to say hello”…
I started to cry and asked why she would call me to tell me this when she knew how painful that was for me???
She said that she has forgiven him and that she was telling me this because I need to do the same…and realize he’s just another child of God.
So…through therapy I am realizing…this is my life and leaning on my Mother or sister…is not the answer. I once called my Mom crying and asked if she would talk with me and she told me abruptly that I needed to find a “spiritual coach” and that was all … she didn’t want to talk to me about anything.
That is why I think I look at my marriage and the behavior’s of my husband and think…we are FINE…my son will be FINE…he is SO much better off than I was …
But, then I realize my husband suggested I write light por*/erotic ebooks for money…while he was out of work.
When I asked to help adjust our budget or reduce my hours …he suggested he ask his parents to support us …so I could quit my job and try to make money in another niche…
He is very negative and can be cruel when I question anything about his behavior of workload…
Very selfish and likes to keep me down…at his level… instead of working to improve our lives and spirituality…
I NEED to keep these reminders engrained in my head!
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EasterJoy
Guest
I am so sorry. I have to hope your mother has no idea how callous those actions were.
We all have our blind spots, but when someone has a history of leading you into walls, it is no lack of charity to get a different guide. You don’t have to concern yourself with whether or not they do it on purpose. All you have to know is that you’ll have a lot less bruising if you don’t follow where they tell you to go. That is enough.
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mega1
Guest
Thought many of you would find this interesting yet not surprising.
My husband and I went to dinner last night and we were discussing our debt. It appears one of my biggest debtors may be coming back for money. After filing bankruptcy and then having it dismissed … It was really as if I just got a few month reprieve.
Well, I told my husband that in this new state we live… Our options are a) downsize and repay. B) file bankruptcy together. C) seperate/divorce and I file alone.
He suggested ( in a wishy washy way) C… But with the premise that once it goes through … We get back to the way things are now. So he wants to seperate to get around the bankruptcy requirements and then get back together.
My husband and I went to dinner last night and we were discussing our debt. It appears one of my biggest debtors may be coming back for money. After filing bankruptcy and then having it dismissed … It was really as if I just got a few month reprieve.
Well, I told my husband that in this new state we live… Our options are a) downsize and repay. B) file bankruptcy together. C) seperate/divorce and I file alone.
He suggested ( in a wishy washy way) C… But with the premise that once it goes through … We get back to the way things are now. So he wants to seperate to get around the bankruptcy requirements and then get back together.
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NFPWife
Guest
Once again he’s putting himself (and his credit rating!) above you. Did you pounce on this? Say, “You know, we probably should separate and even divorce. I know you want to protect your credit.” (Don’t commit that you’re taking on all the debt in the conversation, just say you know he’s concerned about his credit and drastic moves are needed.
Then, you call the lawyer and start planning. As others have said, do NOT make any moves out of the house or with money until you talk to a lawyer. You can significantly weaken your position if you make the wrong move. My bet is that you’ll end up in better financial shape if you separate/ divorce. I think you could work out that a portion (hopefully 50%) of the debt is his. Conceivably, he could end up with more financial responsibility in divorce. He’s planning that you’ll take it all, don’t verbally commit to that and certainly don’t commit to that in writing.
Congrats on going alcohol free, being clear headed is going to make it easier to detect these patterns and plan. No surprise he’s offering you alcohol.
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mega1
Guest
I didn’t say much. I just listened. I guess I wanted to see if he was still capable of that kind of thing…
When you are “in it” … It often feels like just what I have to do to keep my family stable. But coming here and posting this as my reality… Helps me understand how awful it really is.
Most husbands wouldn’t skirt financial responsibility like that and leave their wives to take such a drastic hit. I think they would want to work hard… And help save us from the mess. Key word being “us”.
When you are “in it” … It often feels like just what I have to do to keep my family stable. But coming here and posting this as my reality… Helps me understand how awful it really is.
Most husbands wouldn’t skirt financial responsibility like that and leave their wives to take such a drastic hit. I think they would want to work hard… And help save us from the mess. Key word being “us”.
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NFPWife
Guest
You’re right most husbands would roll up their sleeves and work to clean up the mess.
He’s capable of this because he’s not capable of anything else. At the end of the day, he’s incredibly egocentric. To the point that he can’t see how this could impact you or that you’d even be stressed by it.
Please set a deadline for calling the lawyer. And keep it.
You need concrete legal advice ASAP. Who knows what your husband has next in this financial house of cards???
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Marysann
Guest
Mega1, be sure to speak with your attorney before you go in for your surgery. Then you should follow any advice he gives you to keep your husband from pulling any stunts while you are not in the position to do anything about it. This surgery is not that serious, but there will still be a few days when you will be groggy from anesthesia or pain meds, and you won’t be able to think straight, so you need to protect yourself and your son ahead of time.
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mega1
Guest
Well what is interesting is that I can’t have my surgery as I had hoped because my husband didn’t process the funds transfer in time for my out of pocket expenses. It is in his name… He left for a work trip today and he told me he would not have even 10 minutes to help me today. Said he couldn’t even break away for 10 minutes to process it.
So I have to delay my surgery until next week. Doctors don’t bend on this stuff because of insurance issues anymore and my husband says he can’t help me today.
See how much I can rely on him?
So I have to delay my surgery until next week. Doctors don’t bend on this stuff because of insurance issues anymore and my husband says he can’t help me today.
See how much I can rely on him?
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maryjk
Guest
We have seen.
The question is, “Do **you **see?”
Do you see that he just doesn’t care? Do you see that you are not a priority in his life?
And if you do see it, are you going to do anything about it?
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agnes_therese
Guest
Have you checked with your lawyer? If it was dismissed in bankruptcy, that should be the end of it.
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agnes_therese
Guest
There may be a silver lining here – if that will get him to agree quietly to the divorce, go for it. And as soon as everything’s signed and set, tell him he can forget about the getting back together part.
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mega1
Guest
No none of my bankruptcy was discharged. It was dismissed meaning it was not approved. The judge felt my income was too high and my attorney screwed up some paperwork. That is why my husband now wants me to re file and have us become legally separated. That way his income and credit wouldn’t be affected.
And yes Agnes… You are right. I could be fairly sneaky here but I could get a lot in writing … Because he won’t think twice about it. This could be quite seamless.
And yes Agnes… You are right. I could be fairly sneaky here but I could get a lot in writing … Because he won’t think twice about it. This could be quite seamless.
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Luvz2travel
Guest
Sounds like you could be using his own his own ego against him…good for you. Play the game to win there’s nothing wrong if you do it honestly.
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mega1
Guest
Yes but I admit it makes me feel awful. Like a bad person. But, I guess it is something he is agreeing on and requested to have me file individually in this way…,
I just see that he does not care about anyone but himself in the big picture. If he did, he would take 10 min to get the money for my surgery that I had to delay.
He called me from the airport and told me to call the bank and get it handled. But I told him I can’t do that because it is HIS fidelity account. I am not listed on it. He said “just give it a try”.
Of course that won’t happen. So I have just delayed the surgery and I’m handling it on my own. Only way to go…
I just see that he does not care about anyone but himself in the big picture. If he did, he would take 10 min to get the money for my surgery that I had to delay.
He called me from the airport and told me to call the bank and get it handled. But I told him I can’t do that because it is HIS fidelity account. I am not listed on it. He said “just give it a try”.
Of course that won’t happen. So I have just delayed the surgery and I’m handling it on my own. Only way to go…
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agnes_therese
Guest
I’m sorry, I misunderstood.
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mega1
Guest
So my husband has found this forum and thread and feels that my descriptions in some cases are not accurate or truthful. He says he will not go line by line to point out my errors, but that his parents were miscategorized. He believes that while his mom is still working at 72, needs hip surgery and has survived cancer twice … That his family is not fairly portrayed as ailing and elderly. He says they have nearly 900k in retirement savings and that they are more than capable of helping us in times of need…
He also believes that I have basically aired our dirty laundry and allowed this forum to throw rotting tomatoes at him.
He also says he has turned down the counseling because he believes it sets the stage much like this… Where I am looking for calculated answers by baiting him into situations.
He believes he’s a good father and no other signs of physical aggression in 4 years since the kicking incident with our son. He does not believe he is physically of emotionally abusive whatsoever and that I am not fair to categorize him in that way.
That is all.
He also believes that I have basically aired our dirty laundry and allowed this forum to throw rotting tomatoes at him.
He also says he has turned down the counseling because he believes it sets the stage much like this… Where I am looking for calculated answers by baiting him into situations.
He believes he’s a good father and no other signs of physical aggression in 4 years since the kicking incident with our son. He does not believe he is physically of emotionally abusive whatsoever and that I am not fair to categorize him in that way.
That is all.
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EasterJoy
Guest
The opinions of total strangers do no harm to him. None of us could pick him out of a lineup. If you lived next door and were describing yourself and him, we couldn’t recognize you…from what, that he works from home and picks up your children at school? No, you have aired no dirty laundry. What you have posted might as well be hypothetical, for as much traceable information you have offered. If anything was pitched at him, it will not stick unless it finds a true target. If it is made up, then it all goes through thin air, through made up characters that exist only as archetypes.
If you have lied to us, then the advice you get will be of no use to you, save to inflate pride that you brought here in the first place, to lie to yourself and to us. You had no need for us to give “answers” that you had chosen for yourself in advance. What would have been the use?
He can believe what he wants. As for you, believe neither us nor him. Believe what you know is the truth and what you can see, and choose your supporters from among those who do not obscure reality to suit their own purposes. If that does not include him, then do not trust him.
PS Retirement savings are for retirement. He may not realize it, but the median expense of nursing home care is now over $80K per person per year. That’s NOT the all-inclusive expenses of persons in nursing homes, such as medical or surgical costs. That’s just the nursing home. His parents have saved for that eventuality and they need their assets to be available for that eventuality, not to be his personal bank, tying up their assets in his very non-liquid and (let us be entirely blunt) high-risk ventures. They have little money to loan out, and they certainly do not have it to give away.
If you have lied to us, then the advice you get will be of no use to you, save to inflate pride that you brought here in the first place, to lie to yourself and to us. You had no need for us to give “answers” that you had chosen for yourself in advance. What would have been the use?
He can believe what he wants. As for you, believe neither us nor him. Believe what you know is the truth and what you can see, and choose your supporters from among those who do not obscure reality to suit their own purposes. If that does not include him, then do not trust him.
PS Retirement savings are for retirement. He may not realize it, but the median expense of nursing home care is now over $80K per person per year. That’s NOT the all-inclusive expenses of persons in nursing homes, such as medical or surgical costs. That’s just the nursing home. His parents have saved for that eventuality and they need their assets to be available for that eventuality, not to be his personal bank, tying up their assets in his very non-liquid and (let us be entirely blunt) high-risk ventures. They have little money to loan out, and they certainly do not have it to give away.
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NFPWife
Guest
and a big AMEN!So, he found fault with a few things - I notice he’s picking at terms and arguing semantics like “ailing and elderly” (Though, seriously, if a hip that’s painful and needs surgery and two bouts with cancer isn’t ailing, what is?!) I agree with Easter Joy that retirement savings aren’t for bailing out grown children who should be self-sufficient. Easter Joy presented a scenario where they may need the money for long term care expenses. In my mind, even if they wanted to blow through the money on travel, dining, and a little luxury they should do that over pouring money into keeping a sinking ship floating for a few more months. They’ve obviously worked and saved hard and are entitled to enjoy the fruits of their labor and effort.
I also notice he didn’t correct that he tried to put a bankruptcy off on you. Or, that he didn’t transfer money for your surgery. (Why put that on him to do? Are you trying to test him to see if he’ll come through?)
Continue in your counseling, make sure you are safe, and objectively assess information and any “campaigns” that may be mounted.
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