Best way to handle this?

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Look, I see his point; if I found my husband had been spreading problems between us over the internet, I’d be livid and feel incredibly betrayed. I don’t post anything that I would not want him to see, and neither would he.

If you’re reading this, Husband, this is exactly why you and your wife SHOULD get counseling together; the counselor will see you both, you’ll both be able to speak about your problems privately.

I really hope you two manage to work things out.
 
heidi_storage said:
Look, I see his point; if I found my husband had been spreading problems between us over the internet, I’d be livid and feel incredibly betrayed. I don’t post anything that I would not want him to see, and neither would he.

If you’re reading this, Husband, this is exactly why you and your wife SHOULD get counseling together; the counselor will see you both, you’ll both be able to speak about your problems privately.

I really hope you two manage to work things out.
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Yes, the problem is that when she sought to work these things out with him, she felt he was evading her, obfuscating, and seeking to protect the status quo. She told him so. Did he think that by evading the problem, it would just go away?

How would you be betrayed if your husband was here asking for advice about problems he felt that you were denying existed and refusing to address? How would you have been betrayed if no one being asked for advice could possibly connect the question to you? Who could your husband possibly have asked that could be less likely to ever make a connection between his questions and you personally? This was about the most discrete place she could have gone to ask, excepting those with a professional seal of secrecy, whom she has also consulted and invited him to consult. In the same situation, you would have to admit that any “betrayal” was on your plate, too, since in his place you would have done nothing to find an alternative place to find guidance for your problems.

For all we know, the OP could be a novelist, trying out ideas of character development. “She” might be the husband, speaking in his wife’s voice in order to anticipate what sort of reaction his plan of attack might get. She might be one of us who posts frequently under another pseudonym, choosing the second name as a way to avoid having these problems connected with her (or his) other online persona. As I said, we certainly could never pick him or her out from among our acquaintances. There just isn’t enough information.
 
EasterJoy said:
Yes, the problem is that when she sought to work these things out with him, she felt he was evading her, obfuscating, and seeking to protect the status quo. She told him so. Did he think that by evading the problem, it would just go away?

How would you be betrayed if your husband was here asking for advice about problems he felt that you were denying existed and refusing to address? How would you have been betrayed if no one being asked for advice could possibly connect the question to you? Who could your husband possibly have asked that could be less likely to ever make a connection between his questions and you personally? This was about the most discrete place she could have gone to ask, excepting those with a professional seal of secrecy, whom she has also consulted and invited him to consult. In the same situation, you would have to admit that any “betrayal” was on your plate, too, since in his place you would have done nothing to find an alternative place to find guidance for your problems.

For all we know, the OP could be a novelist, trying out ideas of character development. “She” might be the husband, speaking in his wife’s voice in order to anticipate what sort of reaction his plan of attack might get. She might be one of us who posts frequently under another pseudonym, choosing the second name as a way to avoid having these problems connected with her (or his) other online persona. As I said, we certainly could never pick him or her out from among our acquaintances. There just isn’t enough information.
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I agree I don’t think the op ever posted any identifying information that would lead anywhere unless you were a hacker or someone smart enough to track the ip address and even then why would someone bother. She has always post asking questions which is good. If the husband reads this so much the better for him maybe it would get through to him that he needs to work on some issues. So does everyone even the poster. It sounds like she’s tried to work things out with him but he shuts her down. It’s all about his perspective and how he’s injured. Personally I hope she get smart and moves on I’ve dealt with kis kind all my life but that’s her choice her life only she can know if that’s the best route for her or her family. Prayers for them all.
 
EasterJoy said:
Yes, the problem is that when she sought to work these things out with him, she felt he was evading her, obfuscating, and seeking to protect the status quo. She told him so. Did he think that by evading the problem, it would just go away?

How would you be betrayed if your husband was here asking for advice about problems he felt that you were denying existed and refusing to address? How would you have been betrayed if no one being asked for advice could possibly connect the question to you? Who could your husband possibly have asked that could be less likely to ever make a connection between his questions and you personally? This was about the most discrete place she could have gone to ask, excepting those with a professional seal of secrecy, whom she has also consulted and invited him to consult. In the same situation, you would have to admit that any “betrayal” was on your plate, too, since in his place you would have done nothing to find an alternative place to find guidance for your problems.

For all we know, the OP could be a novelist, trying out ideas of character development. “She” might be the husband, speaking in his wife’s voice in order to anticipate what sort of reaction his plan of attack might get. She might be one of us who posts frequently under another pseudonym, choosing the second name as a way to avoid having these problems connected with her (or his) other online persona. As I said, we certainly could never pick him or her out from among our acquaintances. There just isn’t enough information.
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Boy, I love your posts, EasterJoy, and I think you should consider becoming an advice columnist (I mean aside from here), but I can’t agree with you on this point. Yes, the OP could be misrepresenting herself–but we’ve been assuming she’s not, and it sure doesn’t seem like it.

I also realize that she is not getting an objective look at her situation except, perhaps, from her therapist; that yes, we are completely anonymous; but even so, were I the husband, I could not imagine reacting any other way than in hurt and anger that my wife is complaining about my shortcomings on the internet, and discussing divorce proceedings with a bunch of strangers.

I certainly do hope that the advice mega1 has received has been helpful. I hope that maybe her husband can look at the thread and realize that he has lots of work to do. Most of all, I hope they can work out their problems, together or separately, and be the best parents possible to their son.
 
I want to say that I understand his concerns. I do. However, I went back through many of my posts and I honestly do not feel I misrepresented the facts.

I do see that he is concerned with this being “out there” …despite the fact that we can not be identified and this is extremely anonymous.

However, I did request therapy several times …and he had declined. I explained to him that this was my outlet and I felt it was a heck of a lot better than telling friends/family.

I do not believe I have been dishonest in what I’ve written here. Although, I told him he is welcome to point out the areas in which he believes I was in error.

The problem, in my opinion, is that we needed to be talking to each other and working with each other…instead of going our separate ways with our thoughts and concerns.
 
heidi_storage said:
Boy, I love your posts, EasterJoy, and I think you should consider becoming an advice columnist (I mean aside from here), but I can’t agree with you on this point. Yes, the OP could be misrepresenting herself–but we’ve been assuming she’s not, and it sure doesn’t seem like it.

I also realize that she is not getting an objective look at her situation except, perhaps, from her therapist; that yes, we are completely anonymous; but even so, were I the husband, I could not imagine reacting any other way than in hurt and anger that my wife is complaining about my shortcomings on the internet, and discussing divorce proceedings with a bunch of strangers.

I certainly do hope that the advice mega1 has received has been helpful. I hope that maybe her husband can look at the thread and realize that he has lots of work to do. Most of all, I hope they can work out their problems, together or separately, and be the best parents possible to their son.
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You are right on these points:
  1. Our free advice is worth what you pay for it. (Well, maybe a little less, sometimes. :rolleyes:)
  2. Garbage in, garbage out
  3. Even a person posting here who was actually an expert could not competently give out professional advice under these circumstances.
  4. The fraction of us who are experts is vanishingly small; essentially none.
The most this forum should be taken as by those who post questions here is as a source of* possible *answers, things to think about, avenues to investigate. I would never tell someone to post here and fail to talk to a real person they know and trust, someone who is speaking within their area of knowledge, and who knows them and can ask them hard questions. We essentially give out questions to ask–hmm, interesting point, could have relevance to me, is that true? oh, hey, I thought so, too, but was afraid to think it was OK!–not answers. (The people who are paid by CA, they give answers.) Oh, and we give someone a place to take the chance of getting totally flamed for throwing out an idea, with the pay-off that hey, it is no one I know and if I want to tell them where to get off and ignore them forever, I haven’t lost an actual real-time friendship over it. No one I know can hold my “unthinkable thought” against me. (Hence why even people here often say they’re posting under a different name than the one they usually use here.)

Still, we’re free, and it is a place to go at odd hours. It does have that.
 
EasterJoy said:
You are right on these points:
  1. Our free advice is worth what you pay for it. (Well, maybe a little less, sometimes. :rolleyes:)
  2. Garbage in, garbage out
  3. Even a person posting here who was actually an expert could not competently give out professional advice under these circumstances.
  4. The fraction of us who are experts is vanishingly small; essentially none.
The most this forum should be taken as by those who post questions here is as a source of* possible *answers, things to think about, avenues to investigate. I would never tell someone to post here and fail to talk to a real person they know and trust, someone who is speaking within their area of knowledge, and who knows them and can ask them hard questions. We essentially give out questions to ask–hmm, interesting point, could have relevance to me, is that true? oh, hey, I thought so, too, but was afraid to think it was OK!–not answers. (The people who are paid by CA, they give answers.) Oh, and we give someone a place to take the chance of getting totally flamed for throwing out an idea, with the pay-off that hey, it is no one I know and if I want to tell them where to get off and ignore them forever, I haven’t lost an actual real-time friendship over it. No one I know can hold my “unthinkable thought” against me. (Hence why even people here often say they’re posting under a different name than the one they usually use here.)

Still, we’re free, and it is a place to go at odd hours. It does have that.
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Hey, fair enough, and nicely expressed as always! mega1, I hope the discussion you had with your husband leads to good, productive results. You absolutely do have the right to say what you think and look for advice.
 
He was only gone for the day and got home earlier than expected due to travel issues. I left the forum open on our computer when I went to the store.
 
Hi everyone…It has been awhile since I posted here.

I just wanted to give an update and ask for some insight. Most of you know my story here, but I will just summarize the issues quickly.

As I mentioned here, I was planning on filing divorce/separation in our state to avoid my husband being involved in my bankruptcy. He didn’t want the burden on his credit and supported the idea of us getting back together -after we fool the courts.

However, as we discussed here, about 2 weeks before that was to happen I asked for a REAL divorce. I told my husband that this just wasn’t working. I asked for therapy etc. He declined therapy. He was not willing to work on the issues and basically just ignored my request for a REAL divorce.

So, I did file. And it was formal several months ago. My now ex husband - didn’t take it seriously and had me fill out the final decree etc…because he thought it was just “for the courts/pretend.” I was very, very fair. Didn’t ask for anything from him and gave him 50/50.

When I finally told him the divorce was final and for REAL…he was upset. Said he wanted to work on us and that he couldn’t believe that he’d made such a mistake. I started living with a friend… so I could be away from his crying etc. Well, I also started hanging out with another Catholic man. He too had gone through a divorce and I went out of town with him and his family a few weeknds later. My ex was with our 9 year old son and I told them I had a work trip. I didn’t tell them the details, of course.

Well, apparently he saw something on FB and got very, very angry. He told my son that his mommy was a liar. He started going through all of my mail and found a brand new iphone and hooked it up …and started beeping me through my at & t account…as if my phone was stolen. He went through all of my emails etc. He then said that he was going to have me thrown in prison for fraud because “I” filed for divorce/bankruptcy under false pretenses (even though I was doing this to save his credit). He said he was going to go to my bosses …the newspaper etc. He said I would never see my son ever again. Told me I was going to hell…and then told our son that the guy I was on FB with…was mommy’s boyfriend and that mommy didn’t love daddy or our son anymore. He text messaged and emailed a lot of our mutual friends and told them essentially that I was a cheating whore and that I never told him we were getting divorced… etc.

My son turned against me…and when I returned home from the trip …didn’t want to spend time with me…

Well, after all of this …I asked to meet him to get on some common ground. I asked him if we could try to work together as parents…and then I apologized for not telling him about my “friend”… but that I didn’t want to hurt him. He went from telling me he “hated me”…to telling me he wanted me sexually.

He wanted to get back together…asked me to go to a retreat. But, then saw that he was emailing another woman and asking her to go out…with him. Telling her in the email about what a horrible summer he’s had with our son…because of me.

He apologized and is now begging…pleading for me to come back. He told our son that he’s asked me to marry him again…and that I am still “not sure”…so our son now thinks that I am the one causing this separation.

My ex now wants us to live together again…work on the marriage. Says he’s a changed man. Is going to church like crazy and encouraging me to come with him. Sending me nearly naked pictures of himself…BEGGING.

Here’s what I don’t understand: how does one go from hating me and throwing me so far under the bus to all our friends and my own FAMILY. He called MY FAMILY and told them that I was a cheater etc. How does he do that…and then beg me to come back?

I am still paying all of the bills. I handed him my entire paycheck last week. He says that he can’t live on his salary alone. And I worry money is his main motivator.

What would you do?
 
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