Between a rock and a hard place

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Via_Crusis1689

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Hello,

I am a semi-regular member but I didn’t feel comfortable posting under my usual user name as it might be recognizable by some of my family…I hope this is not breaking the rules. I just feel I need more anonymity.

I and my sister are both adults, she just turned 18 and is in college, I’m out of college. Today she sent me a link from a website called Tumblr, a microblogging site. Both she and I have an account but we’ve never disclosed our user names to one another. But the email had her user name so I decided to check it out just out of curiosity. I use my account mainly to follow a British drama I like so I really don’t have anything personal on my blog.

Well, to my shock my sister’s is deeply personal and is documenting her struggle with food, overeating, and she even admits to dabbling in pro-ana (anorexia) and feeling depressed (in the past, she says now).

I don’t know what to do. She’d likely disown me if I revealed the blog to my parents, they’d definitely freak out. Last year my mom came to me convinced my sister was depressed (I was hospitalized for major depression/suicidal thoughts at the same age my sister is), but I told my mom I couldn’t tell her anything for certain about my sister as depression manifests differently in every person. But that situation really strained their relationship as my sister won’t discuss her feelings or issues with anyone.

It’s just so sad to read her blog and feel so helpless. I think, from what she writes, she is doing better with it,…but I know no one can really know that. I would speak with my pastor but he’s brand new and I really don’t feel comfortable with him yet with such a personal thing (I’m Lutheran so we don’t do confession so it’s not like something I am “used to” if that makes any sense at all).

Please pray for my sister and myself…just knowing has made me feel very ill.
 
Hello.

:console:

Here is a prayer for you and your sister.

Memorare

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided.

Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother; to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me.

Amen.
 
Hmmm…if she is in college, call the health service at her college and ask if there is a way to get an inquiry into her well-being started anonymously. You don’t even have to identify yourself; just say that you know someone at their school that seems to be hiding a case of depression and perhaps an eating disorder, and you want to know if there is a way to alert her residence hall of a possible problem, just in case. If she is living on campus and not at home, she is in a dorm, and sometimes they have ways to get things moving.

If they don’t have a way to intervene without having you disclose your identity or information that will give you away, then ask them how a friend or family member ought to go about helping in such a situation. This is something they will have dealt with often, and so they may have some insights for you.

If you have a counseling service at your disposal, contact them, too. It is important that you keep your own oxygen mask on, as the airlines say. You need to avoid thinking you have more control over your sister’s situation than you do or that there is some way to handle this situation that will surely lead to some outcome you would choose. That is not true, it would help no one if you gave into the temptation to think that way, and might do you a great deal of harm.

And yes, as already suggested, take this to prayer. Do take it in trust, though, putting the matter in the hands of God. Put yourself in the hands of God. That is the main thing, that you not take something onto your own shoulders as if you have power of your own, when your role is to be an instrument, available for use but not running the situation.

You may have to open up to her in the end that you had to weigh her privacy against the serious nature of the concerns she’s raised with you. You can let her know she is competent to handle her own life, but also that you wish you had opened up more when you had gone through your depression, that you’d like to spare her whatever mistakes you made. That you have gone through this yourself might soften her, because when you say you are willing to let her handle her own life, she is more willing to believe you. If you can find someone competent to talk about that with you, though, that would help. They might be able to move you in the direction of serenity and confidence as you decide what to do. By “oxygen mask”, I mean the outside help we need to cope, especially in stressful situations. Have yours in place before you try to help your sister find hers!
 
You might start with telling your sister you saw her blog and letting her know you are concerned.

If you think her life is in danger than you are obligated to tell someone. If not family, then a counselor at her college or something. Let her know you are concerned and that you want to help her overcome this. When it comes to another person’s welfare and life it is sometimes necessary to “violate” confidentiality.

I will pray for you and your sister.
 
Well, you really are between the rock and the hard place. Whatever you do is most likely wrong in someones eyes. Damn if you do, damn if you don’t as “good 'll Matlock” used to say.

Don’t involve your parents, no good will come out of that. Most likely she do trust you, and you may know the best way to approach her. So visit her, just drop in some day, and if she look bad, ask why. I am almost certain she will, eventually, talk to you. But keep the whole thing private. She need someone she can trust, now or sometime but soon I reckon. Don’t preach, that does not help, be there for her, and pray.
 
It sounds like mental health issues may run in the family and that your sister is struggling. She obviously needs professional help, but the question is how to get her that help. The solutions presented have been do it anonymously or talk to her yourself.

I was once in a very bad situation and had a friend make an anonymous report. I was so confused and scared that I lied my butt off when social services came to talk to me and did not receive the help I needed. I wasn’t ready yet.

I think you should talk to your sister. Let her know that you found her blog and are worried for her. Let her know you are there for her whenever she has need of you and try to gently steer her toward professional help. When she is ready to make a change, hopefully she will.
 
Thank you all for the sage advice; it has given me a lot to think about. Thinking about it now, it does seem a mental health issues run in the family with my siblings and me. We tend to be perfectionists, which is not a good thing when we feel like we need control over every aspect of our lives.

I am going to look into getting professional advice, as this is way over my head, which I do recognize.

Thanks for the prayers as well!
 
Why don’t you just be honest and talk to your sister and your parents about this? Who else is supposed to help her if not her family?
 
I finally told her I knew about the blog, but told her I believed she was competent and I would be there for her. I told her I would not tell our parents. I did this in an email as we don’t talk on the phone (I don’t use the phone much at all as it is difficult for me).

I haven’t heard a word from her, but it has only been a day. She hasn’t even responded to texts my dad asked me to send her for him concerning something he wanted. Part of me feels like I made a mistake telling her I knew but I just felt if I, as her big sister, couldn’t be honest with her, who would?

Please pray for me and her…and that I haven’t ruined our relationship.
 
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