Bf and I want to get married but cant have kids for a while!

[illyxo]

So Im 23 and my bf is 30. I am Catholic, he is bit of a lapsed Catholic. We have been together 8months. We had sex in the beginning of the relationship but now have stopped as I realised waiting til marriage was right. Anyways, he asked me to marry him and I said yes, but the problem is we are still studying and will be poor as chips for the next 4years. But really, I dont want to wait 4years to get married, not just because of sex, but because we want to be together as soon as possible as we enjoy each other’s company and closeness. So I’d like to get married in the next year or two. Problem is, we wont be able to bring a child into this world for another 5 or 6years (until we get a fulltime job after study, etc). But we dont want to wait 5 or 6yrs to get married and have sex just so we can be sure we can be ready for a baby. What should we do? Put off having children for the first few years of marriage? Use NFP religiously for years? He cant use condoms and Im shocking on the pill so even if I weren’t Catholic I wouldnt use contraception anyway as my body cant handle it. Advice please!

 

[aspirant]

You’re ruling out extramarital sex and contraception. I would assume, based on what you’ve said, that you would not consider having an abortion in the event of contraception. If you love each other, if you keep your sexual activity open to the possibility of children, if you understand what you’re agreeing to and are ready to make the vows, it does not seem that you are proposing to do anything immoral.

You should probably have some serious conversations about your faith differences and such.

 

[jonathan_hili]

God bless you and keep you.

I think your devotion to marriage is admirable and I’d encourage you to go through with it, provided you both understand what you’re getting into and spend a good deal of time speaking with your pastor in preparation for the sacrament.

As for children, if you genuinely feel this is too much for your first couple of years or so, NFP is advisable, but I honestly would put my trust in the Lord. You’d be surprised how much He can provide even though you think you might be poor. It will be difficult with children and study but not impossible.

I advise you speak to your priest about your plans regarding marriage and children.

All the best.

 

[illyxo]

You’re ruling out extramarital sex and contraception. I would assume, based on what you’ve said, that you would not consider having an abortion in the event of contraception. If you love each other, if you keep your sexual activity open to the possibility of children, if you understand what you’re agreeing to and are ready to make the vows, it does not seem that you are proposing to do anything immoral.

You should probably have some serious conversations about your faith differences and such.

No we both dont believe in abortion. But we wont be financially able to have children for a long while, so openness to the possibility of children may not be viable for the first few years of marriage…can you use NFP to not conceive, if the circumstances for not having a child yet are valid? Its not like I dont ever want to have kids, I do. But I want some financial security and a stable job and not study in order to feel mentally and physically prepared to bring a child into this world

 

[illyxo]

God bless you and keep you.

I think your devotion to marriage is admirable and I’d encourage you to go through with it, provided you both understand what you’re getting into and spend a good deal of time speaking with your pastor in preparation for the sacrament.

As for children, if you genuinely feel this is too much for your first couple of years or so, NFP is advisable, but I honestly would put my trust in the Lord. You’d be surprised how much He can provide even though you think you might be poor. It will be difficult with children and study but not impossible.

I advise you speak to your priest about your plans regarding marriage and children.

All the best.

I know. Im just a person who gets tired out and stressed out very easy. So what may be hard for some people is usually very hard for me. I dont think Id be able to juggle study, a baby, and a studying husband. I also dont want to be stressed out like this with a new life in my hands, as it wont have a good effect on the baby (mother’s stress can impair the baby’s neocortical development).

 

[jonathan_hili]

I know. Im just a person who gets tired out and stressed out very easy. So what may be hard for some people is usually very hard for me. I dont think Id be able to juggle study, a baby, and a studying husband. I also dont want to be stressed out like this with a new life in my hands, as it wont have a good effect on the baby (mother’s stress can impair the baby’s neocortical development).

Definitely understandable. I think NFP is a fair enough option. Still you may be very surprised how much a baby might relieve some of your stress because of the love it will bring out of both you and your boyfriend. My advice is don’t completely close the door to the joy God can bring you, but it’s your call, and you’re not sinning by being prudent.

 

[Catholic1954]

If he is The One, then get married and have a family. You are waiting for ideal conditions that will never be 100% met to have children. You will always want to wait for one more promotion, a bigger house, better financial security, more education, an exotic vacation, etc… There is nothing wrong with wanting to provide the very best for your family, but you will be trading your best child bearing years for waiting around. God knows when to send you children, leave it to Him.

 

[VivienneJ]

NFP stands for Natural Family Planning and means just that - by knowing the natural rhythms of your body you avoid intercourse on the fertile days to avoid pregnancy (conversely, you can use the same knowledge when you want to conceive). So, in your case you would have to be very dedicated to avoiding intercourse on your fertile days.

 

[ahs]

No we both dont believe in abortion. But we wont be financially able to have children for a long while, so openness to the possibility of children may not be viable for the first few years of marriage…can you use NFP to not conceive, if the circumstances for not having a child yet are valid? Its not like I dont ever want to have kids, I do. But I want some financial security and a stable job and not study in order to feel mentally and physically prepared to bring a child into this world

Opennes to the possibility is part of Marriage. (Does not mean you have to actively attempt to conceive, but must be open to it and keep each marital act open.) You may use NFP to chart your cycles for the purpose of abstaining in the fertile period if you have a valid/just/grave reason, yes.

 

[VivienneJ]

If he is The One, then get married and have a family. You are waiting for ideal conditions that will never be 100% met to have children. You will always want to wait for one more promotion, a bigger house, better financial security, more education, an exotic vacation, etc… There is nothing wrong with wanting to provide the very best for your family, but you will be trading your best child bearing years for waiting around. God knows when to send you children, leave it to Him.

My bolding above. My husband and I were shocked when, at the stage when we were sure we couldn’t really afford children yet, we were told that I had a condition which could lead to cervical cancer and that we should consider having children as soon as possible for that reason. Our priest advised that most people can really only afford children when they are having grandchildren (so true). We took his advice, along with that of our doctor and really it was fine.

 

[PatriceA]

So Im 23 and my bf is 30. I am Catholic, he is bit of a lapsed Catholic. We have been together 8months. We had sex in the beginning of the relationship but now have stopped as I realised waiting til marriage was right. Anyways, he asked me to marry him and I said yes, but the problem is we are still studying and will be poor as chips for the next 4years. But really, I dont want to wait 4years to get married, not just because of sex, but because we want to be together as soon as possible as we enjoy each other’s company and closeness. So I’d like to get married in the next year or two. Problem is, we wont be able to bring a child into this world for another 5 or 6years (until we get a fulltime job after study, etc). But we dont want to wait 5 or 6yrs to get married and have sex just so we can be sure we can be ready for a baby. What should we do? Put off having children for the first few years of marriage? Use NFP religiously for years? He cant use condoms and Im shocking on the pill so even if I weren’t Catholic I wouldnt use contraception anyway as my body cant handle it. Advice please!

Talk to your priest.

My opinion, you mention 4 years, then 5 to 6 years and then a few years, what is the time frame exactly? My personal opinion, using NFP to avoid having children for up to 6 years is abusing the “valid/grave” reason for avoiding having children and not honoring the vow in wedding ceremony to be “open to life”. You can’t honor the vow be “open to life” only when it becomes convenient as a married couple. Discerning to use NFP to avoid having children should be an ongoing process, not a decision you make before taking your vows and not addressing the situation again for up to 6 years later.

Again, talk to your priest or an expert in NFP.

 

[illyxo]

NFP stands for Natural Family Planning and means just that - by knowing the natural rhythms of your body you avoid intercourse on the fertile days to avoid pregnancy (conversely, you can use the same knowledge when you want to conceive). So, in your case you would have to be very dedicated to avoiding intercourse on your fertile days.

Yeah thats no problem, I have pretty good self control. I also think NFP is good as in abstaining from sex is good for communication, self control and a bit of pent up desire is good for sex to be treasured.

 

[illyxo]

Talk to your priest.

My opinion, you mention 4 years, then 5 to 6 years and then a few years, what is the time frame exactly? My personal opinion, using NFP to avoid having children for up to 6 years is abusing the “valid/grave” reason for avoiding having children and not honoring the vow in wedding ceremony to be “open to life”. You can’t honor the vow be “open to life” only when it becomes convenient as a married couple. Discerning to use NFP to avoid having children should be an ongoing process, not a decision you make before taking your vows and not addressing the situation again for up to 6 years later.

Again, talk to your priest or an expert in NFP.

Well 5-6 years to be ready to have a kid (proper jobs etc).

 

[thewanderer]

Talk to your priest.

My opinion, you mention 4 years, then 5 to 6 years and then a few years, what is the time frame exactly? My personal opinion, using NFP to avoid having children for up to 6 years is abusing the “valid/grave” reason for avoiding having children and not honoring the vow in wedding ceremony to be “open to life”. You can’t honor the vow be “open to life” only when it becomes convenient as a married couple. Discerning to use NFP to avoid having children should be an ongoing process, not a decision you make before taking your vows and not addressing the situation again for up to 6 years later.

Again, talk to your priest or an expert in NFP.

I just need to interject here, there is no time limit on how long one can use NFP to avoid (ie, periodic abstinance). As long as there is a valid reason to avoid then it doesn’t matter how long one ends up using NFP, it is still perfectly licit and moral.

 

[illyxo]

Talk to your priest.

My opinion, you mention 4 years, then 5 to 6 years and then a few years, what is the time frame exactly? My personal opinion, using NFP to avoid having children for up to 6 years is abusing the “valid/grave” reason for avoiding having children and not honoring the vow in wedding ceremony to be “open to life”. You can’t honor the vow be “open to life” only when it becomes convenient as a married couple. Discerning to use NFP to avoid having children should be an ongoing process, not a decision you make before taking your vows and not addressing the situation again for up to 6 years later.

Again, talk to your priest or an expert in NFP.

But its not a matter of inconvenience, its a matter of we will be strapped for cash to even support ourselves if we choose to marry soon…this will last a few years…I dont want to bring a child into this world stressed and strapped for cash…I dont think its good for the baby

 

[jonathan_hili]

The Wanderer is right about the time period. But I think the concern raised was about the intention. To be honest, I understand both sides and while it might seem impossible in some circumstances to have children, letting in some room for what God can do can bring amazing surprises and grace too.

 

[1love]

My personal opinion, using NFP to avoid having children for up to 6 years is abusing the “valid/grave” reason for avoiding having children and not honoring the vow in wedding ceremony to be “open to life”. You can’t honor the vow be “open to life” only when it becomes convenient as a married couple.

This is well stated.

With NFP, you and your husband are able to discern, on a MONTHLY basis, whether or not you have a grave reason to avoid pregnancy. Deciding before marriage to avoid pregnancy for the next four years seems to distort the openness of NFP.

I’ll tell you this…when my husband and I got married, I was 21. We decided to wait a couple years to have kids. We were barely making enough money to live paycheck to paycheck and we both had some debt to pay off on top of our regular bills and monthly expenses. I struggled with depression and anxiety and was under a lot of stress. Then we went to a marriage prep weekend and heard Janet Smith’s talk (Contraception: Why Not?), which I highly recommend. We decided to be open to life and didn’t even take NFP classes before marriage. I got pregnant on our honeymoon. We were always struggling financially, often had to turn down invitations because we couldn’t use the gas in our car except for work or we’d run out, etc. At one point during the pregnancy I had to be hospitalized because of a severe anxiety attack. And here I am, ten years and several children later, feeling much stronger for all I suffered through at the beginning.

My concern for you is that if you go into marriage thinking you’ll wait until a better time, that time will NEVER come. There is NEVER an ideal time to have a baby. Unless you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth you may always struggle with finances to some extent and I’ve never met a woman who doesn’t become very stressed during pregnancy. Stress alone does not endanger an unborn baby to the point that it is a danger, and there are many medications that alleviate stress and are safe for pregnant women.

Pray for discernment, speak to a priest, take NFP classes and listen to Janet Smith’s talk…then pray for discernment a little more.

 

[ioasaka87]

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[Usige]

Just a couple quick statements. I know a lot of people state they can’t afford kids, but I’ll tell you my wife and I were 22 and 19 when we got pregnant with our first. I was making $9/hr (the equivalent of $13/hr in today’s dollars). We decided she would forgo a job and stay home to raise the baby. Guess what? We (and millions of others) figure out ways to make it work. I just bring it up because people often have this concept that babies are ridiculously expensive. I know several couples that waited until they were “ready”. So long in fact that when they started to try to conceive 10 - 15 years later (in the wife’s early to mid thirties) they couldn’t. Most women don’t realize that their fertility starts to drop at 30 and nose dives between 35 and 40.

I also notice that you mention that you would be in school until you are 26 - 28 (?) and your future husband would be in his early 30s. I would assume that means that you are both working on a master or doctorate degree. Most people now a days would have significant student loan debts from that. That could add further financial pressure. It also begs the question of what you both would do if you had a child. You need to figure out between the two of you where family ranks in your priorities (e.g. who and how will the children be raised, will one or the other make any career sacrifices if it’s for the good of the children, etc.)

I guess really what I am trying to say is; first, don’t put having children on a time line. God has a funny way of ignoring our plans. Second, realize that marriage is not just about you and your spouse. Marriage is about raising up a godly family. If a family is something that might happen in some to be determined date you might want to reconsider what the commitment to marriage and family really means. Marriage and openess to life should not come with preconditions.

Just my two cents (which I’m sure I’ll get flamed for )

 

[illyxo]

Just a couple quick statements. I know a lot of people state they can’t afford kids, but I’ll tell you my wife and I were 22 and 19 when we got pregnant with our first. I was making $9/hr (the equivalent of $13/hr in today’s dollars). We decided she would forgo a job and stay home to raise the baby. Guess what? We (and millions of others) figure out ways to make it work. I just bring it up because people often have this concept that babies are ridiculously expensive. I know several couples that waited until they were “ready”. So long in fact that when they started to try to conceive 10 - 15 years later (in the wife’s early to mid thirties) they couldn’t. Most women don’t realize that their fertility starts to drop at 30 and nose dives between 35 and 40.

I also notice that you mention that you would be in school until you are 26 - 28 (?) and your future husband would be in his early 30s. I would assume that means that you are both working on a master or doctorate degree. Most people now a days would have significant student loan debts from that. That could add further financial pressure. It also begs the question of what you both would do if you had a child. You need to figure out between the two of you where family ranks in your priorities (e.g. who and how will the children be raised, will one or the other make any career sacrifices if it’s for the good of the children, etc.)

I guess really what I am trying to say is; first, don’t put having children on a time line. God has a funny way of ignoring our plans. Second, realize that marriage is not just about you and your spouse. Marriage is about raising up a godly family. If a family is something that might happen in some to be determined date you might want to reconsider what the commitment to marriage and family really means. Marriage and openess to life should not come with preconditions.

Just my two cents (which I’m sure I’ll get flamed for )

Yeah we are doing masters because with our degrees, there is basically nothing you can do without a masters. Are you saying we shouldnt do masters?