Bio Dad Asking for Money

[SurlyMermaid]

I’ll try to keep this short:

I barely know my bio dad. He was around until I was about 7. I saw him on and off over the years. I haven’t seen him in four years now. During this time he’s had access to my information and has had many ways of contacting me. To me, he dropped off the face of the earth and I had no way of getting in touch with him.

His sisters contacted me through a social network site. They gave me his new number (he had just gotten in touch with them after a while).

Well, he called me the other day. I had been waiting with baited breath and excited to (possibly) have my bio dad in my life, especially after losing my adopted father (who has also been in and out), all three grandmothers, etc.

He was not interested to hear I have a new baby, or anything about my other children, me, or my husband, or our lives. Being prompted by his live-in and her adult daughter (who lives with them), he cut to the chase: He needs money. I feel stupid for thinking he was interested in talking to me.

So… I am a stay-at-home mom and money’s tight. I do not have money on my own or I would drive the four hours to see him and buy him groceries. I would not give him money (I believe it would go for cigarettes or whatever–I have the gut feeling not to trust his woman or her kids after meeting them four years ago. The adult daughters asked me for money then right off the bat). Hubby says no to any kind of financial assistance and wished me good luck with the situation.

What should I do??? He’s got some mental problems and talking to him is like talking to a preteen. I need some guidance and prayers.

Much abliged!!! :grouphug:

SM

 

[Richard320]

There’s your answer:

I Hubby says no to any kind of financial assistance and wished me good luck with the situation.

Your first loyalty is to your husband. You don’t have her money and his money. It’s both of yours’. So if he says no, it’s no.

Your biological father sounds like a manipulator. Selfish to an extreme. A user. And you want to be an enabler. Don’t do it. He’ll disappear again until he figures you’re ripe for another wad of money. Call your mom, ask her what she thinks. I bet you’ll get an earfull!

 

[adrift]

There’s your answer:

Your first loyalty is to your husband. You don’t have her money and his money. It’s both of yours’. So if he says no, it’s no.

Your biological father sounds like a manipulator. Selfish to an extreme. A user. And you want to be an enabler. Don’t do it. He’ll disappear again until he figures you’re ripe for another wad of money. Call your mom, ask her what she thinks. I bet you’ll get an earfull!

I believe you are entirely accurate.

SurlyMermaid
read your post. Your answer is there as heartbreaking as it is

He was not interested to hear I have a new baby, or anything about my other children, me, or my husband, or our lives.

He needs money. I feel stupid for thinking he was interested in talking to me.

So… I am a stay-at-home mom and money’s tight

He is not interested in you just your money and your money is tight.
I think you know what you should do.
You must not give him or anyone else to do with him money.
You must pray for him.
You may or may not remain open to a relationship with him. It may be harmful to your husband and family. That can only be determined with time.
Go to your priest and ask his council.

God Bless you and I will add you to my prayers.

 

[Winter_Warlock_1]

Surly,

Your heart is in the right place on wanting to help him (buying groceries, and caring for his well being) but as you point out he does not want anything except money. I am sorry for that. But as you write, you have children and a husband that you need to take care of also, and if you pass him money now – it will continue and all you will be to him, his live-in and her daughter is an ATM.

As for your father having mental issues: if he has been diagnosed with – that can make things much more worse. I say if he has been diagnosed because it could be that he is just a very selfish person and therefore comes across as a preteen.

One other thing you need to think of: and this may seem harsh. But you may need to think of your children and even though he is you father is he the type of person that you want to be a potential influence to them?

In my opinion do not feel guilty you are doing what is best for your family.

May God bless and keep you and your family.

Winter

 

[SurlyMermaid]

Thanks to all of you! I think I already knew this but needed to know I’m not being selfish or “unChristian.” This is an emotional topic for me and I don’t want to cloud my own judgment.

About asking my mother: She’s worse than he! She’s called CPS on us before after I refused to provide her, and whatever husband/boyfriend she has at the time, any assistance. My answer to her is always, “Sound challenging. Good luck with that.”

My father has a lower IQ and tends to take on the personality of whomever he’s around. He is very childlike and always has been. That’s what makes this tricky. If he were a “regular” fellow, he would have gotten the “good luck with that” speech the other day.

 

[bknewto7]

I think all the responses here are spot on. You dont want to put your own familys footing in trouble to help someone who only wants to use you. Remember the opposite of LOVE is USE.

Pray for them, and stay strong in your convictions.

Pax

B

 

[agnes_therese]

You have good instincts. Trust them.

 

[St_Francis]

Thanks to all of you! I think I already knew this but needed to know I’m not being selfish or “unChristian.” This is an emotional topic for me and I don’t want to cloud my own judgment…

This can be a very tricky type of decision. For a long time, I wondered about the difference between enabling and helping, and finally decided enabling was giving aid to doing wrong, and helping was giving aid to doing right.

It’s enabling to give a relative money to continue in an unhealthy lifestyle; it’s helping to give money *(if you have it!!!) * or other help to a relative who is definitely getting out of the unhealthy lifestyle and just needs some *temporary *help.

 

[ProdglArchitect]

Your first concern is for the well being of your family. They are more important than your father (who is, apparently, engaged in a relationship that is harmful to his soul). That is not to say that your father is unimportant, but your priority should be your own family. Perhaps, if he starts to show a genuine interest in your life and actually wants to be a part of it, then it might be more prudent. In reality though, it seems like he views you more like free ride. It would be neither prudent or moral to support this view by helping him because it is degrading to you, as a person, who is far far more than a walking checkbook.

Best of luck to you.

(As a side note, if his need is truly severe, direct him to the local parish near where he lives. The Church will always do what it can to help deserving people, and even those who are not as much so, because that is our mission in life. If he’s not willing to humble himself before God and ask for help then the situation can’t be that dire.)

 

[Allegra]

I wouldn’t give this guy any money either. I see my dad at least once a week and I wouldn’t give him money unless he needed it to get out of jail or turn the power back on. (He wouldn’t ask me for it anyway.)

 

[sedonaman]

…So… I am a stay-at-home mom and money’s tight. I do not have money on my own or I would drive the four hours to see him and buy him groceries. …

What should I do??? …

No need to drive four hours with gasoline close to $4 a gallon. That would cost you close to $100. Have his local Society of St. Vincent de Paul help him. You can probably get their contact info from your local Society [the conferences are organized into regions]. The society makes “home visits” bringing some food with them. It will also help out with other necessities like utility bills, rent, medical expenses, gasoline to get to a job interview, etc. He does not have to be a Catholic to get help, and they are non-judgmental to a fault. You would, of course, have to clear it with him first so they don’t make a wasted trip. I would think that if he were truly in need, he’d welcome the help.

Re-establishing a relationship would be a completely different matter up to you and not measurable in dollars.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I’m so sorry he disappointed you again.

The others have given you good advice. Your only certain obligation is to thank God for his part in giving you life and to pray for him. Giving him money sounds like a bad idea, not just because it might enable him, but also because your relationship with him is too fragile for that sort of stressor. Maintaining any relationship with him isn’t a requirement - and certainly would require you to be comfortable with enforcing certain boundaries with him. You don’t have to sacrifice your own mental/emotional well being to do it though. Take care of yourself and your family first and pray for him. Prayers for you.