Ok I’ve got a question about contraceptives that I’d like to ask while I briefly entertain the idea that I completely agree with the Church and want to follow it. I’m not trolly, I’m really trying to explore something here after reading all these posts.
OK, so I am very apprehensive about the idea of having children, and that means that I probably shouldn’t get married because maybe I’m too afraid of having children to be ‘open’ to children. So, if I chose then to go the rest of my life alone because it seems it would be right to choose loneliness than to choose companionship and marital love if I’m too afraid to have children, then I have a question.
I’ve been abstinent for four years minus a rape (but that counts, I’ve been abstinent for a year). I’ve used some form of hormonal contraceptive since I was 13 to treat dysmenhorrea. I was on medroxyprogesterone (Depo Provera Injection) for almost three years and then went off of it last February. Medroxy destroyed my libido and I had absolutely no interest in sex, men, masturbation, etc. I’m now on an oral form of progesterone. I found the mood swings and the lust and the unexpected orgasms too distressing once my body had resumed it’s natural hormonal cycles.
While the oral progesterone is not as crushing as the Depo Provera was for libido, am I doing something sinful by using a contraceptive for both medical and libido-destroying reasons if I am trying to accept that I can never marry because of my fear of having children? Is it sinful for me to use the contraception even though I am not having sex? Is it sinful for me to use the contraception if its for a valid medical reason (it is)? but is it sinful for me to use the contraception also because of the pleasant side-effect of not having any libido and also feeling less lonely, thus making a life completely alone more achievable and less emotionally painful?
I only started masturbating again (and it’s really rare) to try and heal from assault and so much fornication, to try and ‘re-learn’ and become comfortable again, but that’s pointless if I’m never going to have a husband. I was hoping to heal so that I when I finally found someone I could marry sex with him wouldn’t be traumatizing and I would be able to give back to him instead of focusing on putting up my defense mechanisms and pretending I enjoyed his expression of love. (That might not make sense, but that’s what I was trying to do).
I really would appreciate some feedback on this and advice. I am believing more and more that I will likely be alone for the rest of my life and even though I do harbour a belief in using contraception but would be willing to use to NFP instead if married I’d be using NFP to prevent pregnancy which means I would by lying when I took my vows to get married because even though it would be NFP I would not be ‘open’ to children because of my fear.
If I wasn’t so afraid of pregnancy I would use NFP and be OK with the approach that “we’ll probably get pregnant, but at least it won’t be like we’re constantly trying to get pregnant” and take that attitude that if it happens, then that’s fine and OK, we’re having a child. I think it would be wonderful to be able to provide a family for my husband but I really…I’m too afraid of pregnancy. And I think I’m too broken anyway, I would hate to get married and then withdraw from my husband because of being too broken and have wasted his time and betrayed him by possibly not even be able to even make-love to him at all.

Does this make any sense?
Regards,