Blaming The Victim

[ATeutonicKnight]

This is why religious education classes in parishes now ask kids to think of five adults other than their parents that they could talk to if they can’t talk to their parents about something that they really need to talk about–grandparents, teachers, neighbors, pastor, whoever. Children are also taught that they have the right to decide who will hug them, show them affection, and so on, and that it is OK to say, “I’m not comfortable with what you’re doing.” They are also taught that they have the authority to tell an adult “no” if something seems wrong to them, that they can always tell a trusted adult if they’ve been involved in something that’s wrong, that it is always better to tell than to hide it, that it is better to have someone to help you decide what to do than to handle something hard on your own, and so on. This is unfortunately something that a lot of home-schooled kids do not get, because their parents are afraid of outsiders teaching them anything having to do with sex. The parents think they can keep their kids docile and compliant and protect them themselves. It turns out that this is a very bad strategy, because sexual predators are experts at looking and sounding just like the safest most trustworthy people in the world.

But yes, predators also choose children who are the most likely to be disbelieved, and one reason is because the parents are intimidated by or financially dependent upon the abuser or the abuser’s backers. Bishops have backed priests, and failed the children, and yes, parents have failed their own children, their own flesh and blood, in order to back some other adult or to keep from “causing a scandal.” For the predator, their number one priority is not getting caught, and they can be incredibly patient, canny, and without any conscience about finding victims who are truly defenseless. I can’t wish for the destruction of any soul, but there has to be a special punishment in store for someone like that. If it is better to be thrown into the sea with a millstone around your neck than to cause a little one to sin, how much more so must it be for the one who through careful plotting, manipulation, lies, and intimidation not only physically and emotionally assaults a child, but who also ruins the innocence of children, robs them of happy marriages as adults, and leaves them vulnerable to every kind of acting out?

Definitely a reason for why it was so easy to abuse me is because I’m such a trusting person. Even after being abused, I’m really trusting of people and am having to learn how to figure out who is worth trusting and who is not. The only person in the world I don’t trust is my abuser.

I live in the Archdiocese of Portland. We had to declare bankruptcy in order to try to make some sort of restitution to the victims of priests and Church workers who had used the Church as a cover for this very kind of crime. If only it serves to give the Church the mission to truly protect her children from this kind of harm, to wake up and realize what that takes and to truly resolve to do it, it will have been worth a hundred times what it cost us financially. Heaven help us, that this is what it took, but at least it is happening.

Have you contacted the Office for Child Protection in your diocese? They might have a suggestion about helping you to find someone to talk to, and might be willing to contact your pastor for you, to let him know your situation. It is worth a try.

It might be worth looking into, but it would honestly be more trouble than it’s worth. My parents don’t want anyone to know about it, so except for talking to a therapist about it, they want me to keep quiet and keep everything in the family.

 

[EasterJoy]

It might be worth looking into, but it would honestly be more trouble than it’s worth. My parents don’t want anyone to know about it, so except for talking to a therapist about it, they want me to keep quiet and keep everything in the family.

Your parents do not have the right to protect your abuser from discovery and they do not have the right to choose their comfort over your need, which is what they are trying to talk you into. They have no right whatsoever to ask you to keep quiet except to protect your right to keep quiet when you want to and if you want to. Do you understand that? The person they ought to be protecting is not themselves, not your family’s comfort or “reputation” (as if being a victim of a crime is a mark against anyone’s reputation!), not your abuser, but first last and always it ought to be you!! If they think they are protecting you by making the decision for you about whether or not to talk about this, they are very much mistaken.

This is not *their matter *to keep secret. This is your matter, it stopped being their matter to decide to talk about or not talk about as soon as they allowed it to happen to you, and it is up to you who is told and who is not told.

You can be 100% certain that your confessor will not divulge anything whatsoever that you tell him in the confessional. Ask your confessor about this, then, about how to find the help you need. If you do not already go to confession regularly, there is not a reason in the world for your parents not to want to take you if you ask…so ask!

Again: Please tell me that the authorities have been told about what happened to you. The person who did this is a dangerous person. It is highly unlikely that you are the only victim, and if you were the first, it is unlikely that you will be the last. Make sure that the person who did this becomes known as a danger to children. Please.

 

[rayne89]

It might be worth looking into, but it would honestly be more trouble than it’s worth. My parents don’t want anyone to know about it, so except for talking to a therapist about it, they want me to keep quiet and keep everything in the family.

This is exactly the re-victimization that happens. My friend is 40 and she still tows the family line. Protect the abuser, keep it a secret -at the expense of the victim. You’d say she can chose differently now that she is adult. But what happens is subconsciously it has been ingrained she is not worthy of protection. When it came out the adults protected the abuser instead of child being abused. She will not stand up herself in many situations. She is the most amazing, loving, giving person -but inside she does not see her worth. The adults in her life when she was a child let her know even without words that she was not worthy of protection. She didn’t have the right to feel safe. Her dignity wasn’t worth anything.
ATeutonicKnight you clearly have a poor therapist. I am glad you are searching for a new one. You are not required to obey your parents in this matter. I would advise you to continue to look for people to support you in real life. There are support groups for child sexual abuse victims. You are the victim here, you have the right to speak to whom you choose about what happened to you. You did nothing wrong. You’re parents are afraid how people will look at them for “letting” this happen to you. Please keep searching out help. I will keep you in my daily prayers.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

Your parents do not have the right to protect your abuser from discovery and they do not have the right to choose their comfort over your need, which is what they are trying to talk you into. They have no right whatsoever to ask you to keep quiet except to protect your right to keep quiet when you want to and if you want to. Do you understand that? The person they ought to be protecting is not themselves, not your family’s comfort or “reputation” (as if being a victim of a crime is a mark against anyone’s reputation!), not your abuser, but first last and always it ought to be you!! If they think they are protecting you by making the decision for you about whether or not to talk about this, they are very much mistaken.

This is not *their matter *to keep secret. This is your matter, it stopped being their matter to decide to talk about or not talk about as soon as they allowed it to happen to you, and it is up to you who is told and who is not told.

You can be 100% certain that your confessor will not divulge anything whatsoever that you tell him in the confessional. Ask your confessor about this, then, about how to find the help you need. If you do not already go to confession regularly, there is not a reason in the world for your parents not to want to take you if you ask…so ask!

Again: Please tell me that the authorities have been told about what happened to you. The person who did this is a dangerous person. It is highly unlikely that you are the only victim, and if you were the first, it is unlikely that you will be the last. Make sure that the person who did this becomes known as a danger to children. Please.

The person has been reported. But they found out because he was reported, and they were very shocked and angry that I didn’t come to them about it. I went to my friends instead, and they reported it. My parents keep asking me why I didn’t go to them and keep it in the family. My friends keep reiterating that it’s not my fault if I don’t feel comfortable telling them personal things, and that I shouldn’t feel bad that I went to them rather than my parents. However, my parents were very displeased that this became public information and feel nobody in town respects them anymore, so we’re moving in a few weeks to a different town. I assume that once I get friends there they will tell me I can’t tell them any of what happened because they are trying to run away from this, but I don’t know if I can do that. You can tell real friends stuff like this, and it wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t tell them simply because my parents want me to keep quiet in order to safeguard their reputation. I don’t think they realize the irony in that, and how making me keep quiet to safeguard their reputation makes me see them in an even worse light.

 

[Xantippe]

“My parents keep asking me why I didn’t go to them and keep it in the family.”

There’s the answer, isn’t it?

“However, my parents were very displeased that this became public information and feel nobody in town respects them anymore, so we’re moving in a few weeks to a different town. I assume that once I get friends there they will tell me I can’t tell them any of what happened because they are trying to run away from this, but I don’t know if I can do that. You can tell real friends stuff like this, and it wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t tell them simply because my parents want me to keep quiet in order to safeguard their reputation. I don’t think they realize the irony in that, and how making me keep quiet to safeguard their reputation makes me see them in an even worse light.”

Have you told them this? It’s hard to think of a respectful way to put it. Maybe, “I need you to care more about protecting me than about what people think about you.” Once you get a better therapist (maybe in your new town?), that would be a good conversation for you to have with your parents in front of the therapist.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

“My parents keep asking me why I didn’t go to them and keep it in the family.”

There’s the answer, isn’t it?

“However, my parents were very displeased that this became public information and feel nobody in town respects them anymore, so we’re moving in a few weeks to a different town. I assume that once I get friends there they will tell me I can’t tell them any of what happened because they are trying to run away from this, but I don’t know if I can do that. You can tell real friends stuff like this, and it wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t tell them simply because my parents want me to keep quiet in order to safeguard their reputation. I don’t think they realize the irony in that, and how making me keep quiet to safeguard their reputation makes me see them in an even worse light.”

Have you told them this? It’s hard to think of a respectful way to put it. Maybe, “I need you to care more about protecting me than about what people think about you.” Once you get a better therapist (maybe in your new town?), that would be a good conversation for you to have with your parents in front of the therapist.

I don’t want to have any meetings with them and the therapist. The first meeting I had with my (Hopefully soon-to-be former) therapist, they told her that what I claimed wasn’t true. I don’t want that to happen again with the new therapist.

 

[Xantippe]

“The first meeting I had with my (Hopefully soon-to-be former) therapist, they told her that what I claimed wasn’t true. I don’t want that to happen again with the new therapist.”

Ai yai yai.

I don’t see how your relationship with your parents is going to improve if they think you are lying. You may need to just shelve it until you are living independently and can re-establish your relationship on your own terms (i.e. most drastically, I’m not coming home for Christmas if you keep telling me I am lying about the abuse).

I can’t imagine anything more destructive to a relationship than not being believed about your most fundamental experiences.

Do they think you’re lying, or do they think you’re delusional? There aren’t a lot of other options.

 

[EasterJoy]

The person has been reported. But they found out because he was reported, and they were very shocked and angry that I didn’t come to them about it. I went to my friends instead, and they reported it. My parents keep asking me why I didn’t go to them and keep it in the family. My friends keep reiterating that it’s not my fault if I don’t feel comfortable telling them personal things, and that I shouldn’t feel bad that I went to them rather than my parents. However, my parents were very displeased that this became public information and feel nobody in town respects them anymore, so we’re moving in a few weeks to a different town. I assume that once I get friends there they will tell me I can’t tell them any of what happened because they are trying to run away from this, but I don’t know if I can do that. You can tell real friends stuff like this, and it wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t tell them simply because my parents want me to keep quiet in order to safeguard their reputation. I don’t think they realize the irony in that, and how making me keep quiet to safeguard their reputation makes me see them in an even worse light.

Thank you, thank you, on behalf of all the children who will remain blissfully innocent and unaware of the evil thing you saved them from because you trusted your own judgment and shared your burden with your friends. May Heaven reward your friends, too. If you spared even one child from what you are going through, you will all deserve a crown in Heaven for that.

The most charitable thing I can say is that your parents must have absolutely no clue whatsoever concerning how deeply this affects you, because by making this about their reputation at all they are acting as if it is all about them and their reputation. The initial shock, well, none of us can be certain how we will act when we are shocked. We don’t know how we would act when something happens that we never imagined could happen. Most of us have done stupid things and said things we wish with all our hearts could never have even occurred to us to think, let alone to do or to let come out of our mouths. The decision to move as a way to protect themselves, however, well, I guess they just don’t get it. Those are questions to answer later. For now, say “Father forgive them, they know not what they do”, and get the support you need elsewhere if you cannot get it from them. That’s OK. Let go both of their efforts to control you and whatever judgment they may deserve for trying…you seem to want to let it go and have that out another day, so I say, if that is your heart, go with that.

You should confide in whomever you choose to confide in. If there are bad repercussions as you go through life, well, at least they are consequences that you chose. It is better to learn to bear our own mistakes than to learn to endure the mistakes that we choose to let others lay on us against our better judgment. Again, I’d encourage you to talk to your confessor about these things, because he will be discreet about what you tell him.

 

[Joy2day]

Hi AteutonicKnight,

I can’t comment on family matters, but please remember that your parents have to live in society as you do. However I do know that in society often it is the very people that we are simply not allowed to accuse, or with whom it is highly politically incorrect to accuse, who can often be the one’s who should be spoken out about because of some evil they have committed. However, because of this, society condemns heavily anyone who speaks out against such persons, because it upsets the status quo and ‘the way things should be’ in a big way. Often the abusers/wrongdoers know this and this contributes to their power. They do believe, that they will get away with it because victims ‘haven’t got a chance’ to do anything realistically about it. This is why abuse victims, whistleblowers etc often take years to speak out about matters that have occurred in the distant past. Often it comes down to one person’s word against another’s etc. Also, even if you do have evidence, such as the whistleblowers, there are still recriminations against them. So many reasons can be invented as to why you are saying the things you are. I’m not saying that it is a hopeless case, its just that it is a lonely, tough road full of undeserved persecution and ‘consequences’. People lose their careers for speaking out about corruption; people’s families and lives are threatened, and you are generally treated as some ‘so & so’ who doesn’t care about the repercussions for the evil doers etc.
To be fair to society, they do not have to believe you - they can simply say ‘I dont’ believe you, but i’ll consider it’. The problem is that it often doesn’t stop there. Victims are then often persecuted in an ongoing manner because they simply said something in the first place. Those who speak out are punished. And this is not fair. Society should uphold it’s tenant of ‘freedom of speech’ - for all, whether we like what they’re saying or not.

It’s like the priest who gives a sermon on ‘all the difficult things’ of the catholic faith - non catholics & homosexuals cannot receive communion; women can’t be priests; everyone should be at mass every sunday; no one can have contraception; everyone must believe in the real presence; no divorce and remarriage/cohabitation; priestly celibacy; and lets not forget - the catholic church is the one true church. If the priests gave sermons like these, there would be repercussions from their faithful. They might then get excluded socially, or complained about to the bishop for some created event etc.

Jesus was politically incorrect in so many ways for telling the truth, and they crucified Him for it. So, you are sharing in His cross with your sufferings, I’m sorry to say. Pray to Him, for His burden is easy and His yoke is light, and He will give you courage.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

“The first meeting I had with my (Hopefully soon-to-be former) therapist, they told her that what I claimed wasn’t true. I don’t want that to happen again with the new therapist.”

Ai yai yai.

I don’t see how your relationship with your parents is going to improve if they think you are lying. You may need to just shelve it until you are living independently and can re-establish your relationship on your own terms (i.e. most drastically, I’m not coming home for Christmas if you keep telling me I am lying about the abuse).

I can’t imagine anything more destructive to a relationship than not being believed about your most fundamental experiences.

Do they think you’re lying, or do they think you’re delusional? There aren’t a lot of other options.

They think I can’t handle the guilt, so I’m lying by saying it was abuse when it was in fact consensual.

Thank you, thank you, on behalf of all the children who will remain blissfully innocent and unaware of the evil thing you saved them from because you trusted your own judgment and shared your burden with your friends. May Heaven reward your friends, too. If you spared even one child from what you are going through, you will all deserve a crown in Heaven for that.

The most charitable thing I can say is that your parents must have absolutely no clue whatsoever concerning how deeply this affects you, because by making this about their reputation at all they are acting as if it is all about them and their reputation. The initial shock, well, none of us can be certain how we will act when we are shocked. We don’t know how we would act when something happens that we never imagined could happen. Most of us have done stupid things and said things we wish with all our hearts could never have even occurred to us to think, let alone to do or to let come out of our mouths. The decision to move as a way to protect themselves, however, well, I guess they just don’t get it. Those are questions to answer later. For now, say “Father forgive them, they know not what they do”, and get the support you need elsewhere if you cannot get it from them. That’s OK. Let go both of their efforts to control you and whatever judgment they may deserve for trying…you seem to want to let it go and have that out another day, so I say, if that is your heart, go with that.

You should confide in whomever you choose to confide in. If there are bad repercussions as you go through life, well, at least they are consequences that you chose. It is better to learn to bear our own mistakes than to learn to endure the mistakes that we choose to let others lay on us against our better judgment. Again, I’d encourage you to talk to your confessor about these things, because he will be discreet about what you tell him.

Thank you. I agree with everything you say 100%, and you have been really helpful with each post you’ve made. I’ll definitely do as you say. I’ve told a few friends, and each has been supportive. One is kind of sheltered and so when I told her about it she didn’t know how to handle it and she was freaked out for a while, but that’s thankfully been resolved and she’s still one of my closest friends. I really hope that I can get a good therapist this time, and that maybe I can find an adult that I can really trust. I chose a female therapist last time because I’ve always clicked a lot easier with girls than guys, but I’m thinking maybe this time I’ll choose a male therapist, because for some reason I think a guy might me more to the point than a girl would be. That might be faulty thinking, but that’s just the way my mind is working right now.

 

[EasterJoy]

They think I can’t handle the guilt, so I’m lying by saying it was abuse when it was in fact consensual.

Thank you. I agree with everything you say 100%, and you have been really helpful with each post you’ve made. I’ll definitely do as you say. I’ve told a few friends, and each has been supportive. One is kind of sheltered and so when I told her about it she didn’t know how to handle it and she was freaked out for a while, but that’s thankfully been resolved and she’s still one of my closest friends. I really hope that I can get a good therapist this time, and that maybe I can find an adult that I can really trust. I chose a female therapist last time because I’ve always clicked a lot easier with girls than guys, but I’m thinking maybe this time I’ll choose a male therapist, because for some reason I think a guy might me more to the point than a girl would be. That might be faulty thinking, but that’s just the way my mind is working right now.

Getting a job as someone’s therapist is not a lifetime appointment. Very often, actually, people who need a great deal of therapy will find someone who had been very helpful has done about all they can do, and it is time for the client to move on to someone else for the next phase. Kind of like having one guy take you through the mountains and then switching to another guide for the desert and a third for taking a sailboat across the ocean.

I have also had a friend who does spiritual direction tell me to never choose a friend as a spiritual director or a therapist. “You always need to be able to find a new therapist or spiritual director, and you can’t replace a friend.” Keep that in mind: that is, that a therapist can help you in ways that a friend can’t, including being able to bow out when their services are no longer helpful. You never have to apologize because you feel that someone else would make a better guide than a therapist to whom you are grateful but do not need any more. That is the nature of their line of work, so don’t feel guilty about that.

 

[Xantippe]

“They think I can’t handle the guilt, so I’m lying by saying it was abuse when it was in fact consensual.”

Gah. (I’ve been saying that a lot today.)

The whole point of our US law on sexual contact between adults and minors is that minors cannot consent with full responsibility, just as minors cannot enter into contracts or do a multitude of other things that adults can (join the military without parental permission, buy cigarettes, buy alcohol, vote, marry without parental permission). The law believes that minors need extra protection from their own undeveloped judgment and various kinds of predatory adults.

You know all this, of course, but it’s unfortunate that it’s even necessary to say it.

 

[EasterJoy]

They think I can’t handle the guilt, so I’m lying by saying it was abuse when it was in fact consensual.

The truth is that it is not only predatory for an adult to take advantage of a child, but also predatory for an adult to take advantage of another adult from a position of trust and authority: a doctor preying upon a patient, a professor preying upon a student, a counselor preying upon someone going through a divorce or a bereavement. Yes, if a counselor has a sexual affair with a client going through a divorce, it is the counselor who bears the guilt for the affair.

The truth is that if a sixteen year old, male or female, actively tries to seduce an adult, it is still the responsibility of the adult to make certain nothing inappropriate happens. And you probably weren’t even 16 when this happened. Why your parents are not aiming their anger at the adult who preyed upon a vulnerable young person is beyond me.

Of course you would have feelings of guilt! Good grief, do they think that feelings of guilt are proof of guilt? No. Just as there are things that will make a smoke alarm or a laboratory test return a false positive, just so there are things that give people misplaced feelings of guilt. What two alternatives does a person have who wants to sexually abuse a child? The perpetrator has three: Hide his or her identity, con the child into keeping the assault a secret, or kill the child to shut the child up. And why would the child keep such an awful crime a secret? There aren’t many: fear (such as fear of someone being hurt or of favored treatment ending) or shame (such as shame at letting oneself become a victim or self-blame that the abuse happened).

Getting your parents to believe the truth is a little like getting someone you love out of a burning building. There gets to be a point, if another victim resists being saved for whatever reason, whether they can’t accept that there is danger or whether they can’t bring themselves to leave the building, where you have to get out of the building and save yourself. If your parents are unable to accept the truth, there gets to be a point where you have no choice but to leave the falsehood behind and live in the truth yourself. Keep doing that; you are in the right.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

“They think I can’t handle the guilt, so I’m lying by saying it was abuse when it was in fact consensual.”

Gah. (I’ve been saying that a lot today.)

The whole point of our US law on sexual contact between adults and minors is that minors cannot consent with full responsibility, just as minors cannot enter into contracts or do a multitude of other things that adults can (join the military without parental permission, buy cigarettes, buy alcohol, vote, marry without parental permission). The law believes that minors need extra protection from their own undeveloped judgment and various kinds of predatory adults.

You know all this, of course, but it’s unfortunate that it’s even necessary to say it.

They don’t think that law concerning older teens is right.

 

[Xantippe]

I think the same-sex nature of the abuse probably enters into why your parents are being so weird about this. They’re probably panicking over the idea that they have a gay son or people thinking that they have a gay son, and it’s all clouding their ability to think clearly about the situation. They might be able to see this more clearly if it were a teenage daughter and an older man. Or maybe not.

As to consent or lack of consent, when I was 19 years old, I was seeing a guy who was 35 years old. Now that I’m older than he was at the time, I think it was very wrong of him. At the time, I didn’t see what a big deal the disparity of age made, but I now understand exactly that a 19-year-old and a 35-year-old are on totally different planets maturity-wise and with regard to street smarts and have very little in common, and that (under most circumstances), it just isn’t fair or right for an older person to take advantage of a younger person, even when it is legal. All the more so if the disparity in age is even bigger and if it violates the law.

Best wishes!

 

[EasterJoy]

They don’t think that law concerning older teens is right.

That they don’t accept the truth does not make the truth into a falsehood. Ask your mother if your father had an affair with one of your 15 year old friends, would she consider your friend a home-wrecker? Next to your dad and his authority and experience, your friend is a child. Just as it is totally repugnant to think your dad could have an affair with a 15 year old, it is totally repugnant that an adult did what they did to you.

 

[Xantippe]

"They don’t think that law concerning older teens is right.

And yet your parents probably don’t want to treat you as a full-grown adult in other respects, do they?

Be planning your escape, TeutonicKnight. The sooner you are able to support yourself and live independently, the better.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

That they don’t accept the truth does not make the truth into a falsehood. Ask your mother if your father had an affair with one of your 15 year old friends, would she consider your friend a home-wrecker? Next to your dad and his authority and experience, your friend is a child. Just as it is totally repugnant to think your dad could have an affair with a 15 year old, it is totally repugnant that an adult did what they did to you.

The person that abused me was 14-17 during the period of abuse (It started when I was 11 until I was 14). The fact that he wasn’t technically a fully grown adult makes it difficult for them to believe it was abuse, especially since it wasn’t rape (It technically became statutory rape when he turned 16, but that’s a law technicality they don’t believe in).

But yes, that is a very repugnant thought. All of my friends are very dear to me, and the thought of this happening to them makes me feel pretty sick.

"They don’t think that law concerning older teens is right.

And yet your parents probably don’t want to treat you as a full-grown adult in other respects, do they?

Be planning your escape, TeutonicKnight. The sooner you are able to support yourself and live independently, the better.

I appreciate your support and advice, but I don’t think planning an escape is quite necessary.

 

[EasterJoy]

The person that abused me was 14-17 during the period of abuse (It started when I was 11 until I was 14). The fact that he wasn’t technically a fully grown adult makes it difficult for them to believe it was abuse, especially since it wasn’t rape (It technically became statutory rape when he turned 16, but that’s a law technicality they don’t believe in).

But yes, that is a very repugnant thought. All of my friends are very dear to me, and the thought of this happening to them makes me feel pretty sick.

If this 14 year old was going around luring 11 year olds into smoking cigarettes, they’d probably see this differently. If he were pulling the pants down on 11 year old girls, they’d see it differently…they would not say, “Oh, well, it isn’t rape, so it won’t hurt her.” Well, it isn’t different. We know now that 11 year olds left alone with 14 year olds have to have ways of reporting it when inappropriate things are going on. It happens, and the vulnerable need to be protected.

This is the bottom line: What matters is that you were not culpable and you were harmed. What matters is that whatever it was that prompted a 14 year old into sexually touching a 11 year old over a long period of time is not something that can be assumed to magically go away when he’s 17. He needs treatment, and he needs to be kept away from younger children.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

If this 14 year old was going around luring 11 year olds into smoking cigarettes, they’d probably see this differently. If he were pulling the pants down on 11 year old girls, they’d see it differently…they would not say, “Oh, well, it isn’t rape, so it won’t hurt her.” Well, it isn’t different. We know now that 11 year olds left alone with 14 year olds have to have ways of reporting it when inappropriate things are going on. It happens, and the vulnerable need to be protected.

This is the bottom line: What matters is that you were not culpable and you were harmed. What matters is that whatever it was that prompted a 14 year old into sexually touching a 11 year old over a long period of time is not something that can be assumed to magically go away when he’s 17. He needs treatment, and he needs to be kept away from younger children.

As one of my adult friends once said, if they weren’t close to the abuser, they would probably be livid. But they have an emotional attachment to him, so they can’t accept that be would do something like this, and they somewhat take his side.

They are also somewhat mad that I went to friends and the government instead of them. They believe I should have went to them and they would have taken care of the issue privately without government intervention.