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Blog Post: "What's Your Job," People Ask. Thoughts of a Stay-at-Home Mom
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savedbygrace71
Guest
I happen to live in an area, community where there are a good number of stay at home moms. I don’t feel the need to explain or defend myself for staying home with my kids- and try not to fall back on the “I used to do this…” unless it pertains to the conversation. I can sympathize, though. I’ve seen plenty of online Mommy Wars type of things where moms who work rail against moms who stay at home, with the general feeling being, we do everything you do plus work full time. Which may be true, in fact. But that’s nothing to do with my family, so, as the saying goes, not my circus, not my monkeys 
I just handle my own monkeys at home lol
I just handle my own monkeys at home lol
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EasterJoy
Guest
This is a tricky subject. For awhile, I used to tell people how fortunate I felt to be able to be a stay-at-home mother. The problem was some people would start explaining all the stuff they do to have quality time with their kids. It turns out that some people feel guilty because they aren’t staying at home! Only not everybody can do it. If you find time to listen to books on tape, they haven’t read any books, and feel guilty about that.
Ask them what they like to do if they ever have time when they’re not working. You can fantasize together about what you’ll do if that ever happens. (That, you probably have in common!
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Ask them what they like to do if they ever have time when they’re not working. You can fantasize together about what you’ll do if that ever happens. (That, you probably have in common!
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Lost_Wanderer
Guest
My biggest concern is the tendency of SAHMs towards ENS. Case in my point: My own mother.
In the work force, it’s easy to move on to the next big project after the first one is finished. But when it comes to parenting, you can only be a mother for so long before all your kids are heading off to college, living in their own apartments, and having kids of their own. My mother was a SAHM and I can attest to the effort it took me, my siblings, and even my own father to get her focused on something else because none us like being babied anymore.
I hate to say it but I really think this a problem that is not often discussed. Most of the people I see here advocating the SAHM don’t seem to talk much about what they’re going to do once their little bundles of joy become the career men/women they chose not to be.
In the work force, it’s easy to move on to the next big project after the first one is finished. But when it comes to parenting, you can only be a mother for so long before all your kids are heading off to college, living in their own apartments, and having kids of their own. My mother was a SAHM and I can attest to the effort it took me, my siblings, and even my own father to get her focused on something else because none us like being babied anymore.
I hate to say it but I really think this a problem that is not often discussed. Most of the people I see here advocating the SAHM don’t seem to talk much about what they’re going to do once their little bundles of joy become the career men/women they chose not to be.
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wild_thing
Guest
It was much, much worse for me back with my first child, in 2000. There were not as many stay at home moms then and certainly no one my age. The other moms at playgroups were generally hostile and my husband’s co-workers always made snide comments. One guy even said to my husband that I must be too stupid to get a job if I was staying at home. I still get the occasional oblique comments, but not anywhere near as much as before. The recession has really humbled some people, so that has helped. I’m surprised we haven’t gotten any negative comments about having so many boys…but people in Ohio must be too nice to go there! 
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amrin
Guest
I’m a SAHM, although I’m going back to work this year for an undetermined amount of time. If I could stay home with my child until he was old enough to take care of himself, I would have lots of things to do inside and out of the home. Make and sell crafts, babysit other children, volunteer, or even who knows, get a part time or full time job because I would get bored?
And maybe if later I would have grandkids I could take care of the newest member of the family?
A SAHM life should not be just the children, we can have our interests too, even if we don’t have much, or any, time for them.
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Giggly_Giraffe
Guest
I actually feel more empowered being a homemaker. My status puts major corporations and public services interested in what we need and desire. Not only am I brushing my teeth three times (me, my two girls) but I’m influencing the whole dentistry profession. Further, our family is the prime target audience for schools, automotive, religion law, politics, media, medicine and much more.
Since my husband’s a rocket scientist, and I get to hang out with them, I’ll just sing:
Since my husband’s a rocket scientist, and I get to hang out with them, I’ll just sing:
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EasterJoy
Guest
If you don’t need the money, you can find ten times more places to volunteer than you could ever do.
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Giggly_Giraffe
Guest
I can so empathize with you on helicopter moms. During my first year of marriage I was parinoid that my Husband only married me to give his mother someone else to order around; still slightly think this.
Hate to break the news to you. Regardless if your mother stayed at home or not, she would probably still be hovering over you. If she were a career woman, she might even be bold enough to call your boss and throw her weight around. Yep, actually happened in my husbands corporation. The president of the company was called by a mom who was on the Board of Directors of the companies client.
(and it wasn’t about career advancement)I read that people today typically do not keep the same career (line of field) throughout their life time. In fact, most people work for five companies. Now, a mom is a vocation. Again, hate to tell you this, but her vocation will last beyond her grave. I know because my dad was my mother figure, and I still feel mother smothered by him from the grave.
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Gliggle
Guest
LOL what Giggly Giraffe said is true… my MIL is an extremely successful and busy career woman, a Director of her unit no less, corner office in her sky scraper in the city, and yet she still seems to find plenty of time to “involve herself” in our affairs For instance I am starting to wonder if I will ever be allowed to make a birthday cake for my daughter or husband myself… she always takes over such affairs. She definitely babies all of us, she even comes over and does our laundry sometimes!
For instance I am starting to wonder if I will ever be allowed to make a birthday cake for my daughter or husband myself… she always takes over such affairs. She definitely babies all of us, she even comes over and does our laundry sometimes!
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Xantippe
Guest
Yeah. My MIL is also a high-level career woman, and yet she’s actually way more “hands-on” about our family than my mom is (my mom was an SAHM and then went to work in the family business around the time I started college). In that particular case, it’s almost certainly a cultural difference: MIL is “ethnic” and my mom is WASP.LOL what Giggly Giraffe said is true… my MIL is an extremely successful and busy career woman, a Director of her unit no less, corner office in her sky scraper in the city, and yet she still seems to find plenty of time to “involve herself” in our affairs
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LongingSoul
Guest
I last worked full time in 1989 and I actually had to sell SAHM to my husband because I was so determined to go that route. I love the life of SAHM and have no desire to be fulfilled by a career at all. My kids are new adults and could look after themselves now but I have a greater role in helping my mother care for my alzheimers father and helping my single mum SIL look after her 8 year old daughter.
I did volunteer work for a Catholic org for 10 years up until about 2 years back and when my parents and niece need me less, I’ll go back to volunteer work again.
I find non working mothers have a knowing respect for each other and the types of roles they fill outside the workforce. But to be honest I’ve really never found anyone looks down on me in conversations when they discover I don’t work. I wouldn’t care if they did anyway. Their loss I would think. But I find all of us women have loads of common ground to meet on in conversation outside of kids stuff, career and gossip. Life is such a rich experience of topics, it’s a never ending source.
I did volunteer work for a Catholic org for 10 years up until about 2 years back and when my parents and niece need me less, I’ll go back to volunteer work again.
I find non working mothers have a knowing respect for each other and the types of roles they fill outside the workforce. But to be honest I’ve really never found anyone looks down on me in conversations when they discover I don’t work. I wouldn’t care if they did anyway. Their loss I would think. But I find all of us women have loads of common ground to meet on in conversation outside of kids stuff, career and gossip. Life is such a rich experience of topics, it’s a never ending source.
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HopenHappiness
Guest
I was a SAHM, we gave up a lot for me to be home. I did get sick of people asking what I did, so I told them I was a Domestic Engineer and worked from my house. They all thought I was lucky to land such a job. I just replied I was very blessed.
I was very blessed because I was able to pursue, things that interested me as my Child got older, that is a key, is to build your own world as the grow. I volunteered for a lot of different organizations, learned all about computers and was on the internet back in the early 80’s back when you had to know Dos to use it. Then they came out with Prodigy and AOL and it changed the world.
I also was able to do my sewing and crafts to earn money or barter for things. Then when we moved back to family, unfortunately our parents have failed, and I feel lucky that I was able to be there for them in their time of need. And I am still there for my nieces and nephews, and now Grand Nieces.
We also just moved into our dream house, which people think we are crazy for the size, but we love entertaining, and have spaces for our perspective hobbies, and a shared office. But once we get settled, I am going to go back to do more volunteering, because I get so much out of it, it makes you feel really good in giving back.
So don’t worry about Staying at home, enjoy it and adjust your life to it. And those who make comments, aren’t friends and are just jealous that you get to do something so many wish they could.
I was very blessed because I was able to pursue, things that interested me as my Child got older, that is a key, is to build your own world as the grow. I volunteered for a lot of different organizations, learned all about computers and was on the internet back in the early 80’s back when you had to know Dos to use it. Then they came out with Prodigy and AOL and it changed the world.
I also was able to do my sewing and crafts to earn money or barter for things. Then when we moved back to family, unfortunately our parents have failed, and I feel lucky that I was able to be there for them in their time of need. And I am still there for my nieces and nephews, and now Grand Nieces.
We also just moved into our dream house, which people think we are crazy for the size, but we love entertaining, and have spaces for our perspective hobbies, and a shared office. But once we get settled, I am going to go back to do more volunteering, because I get so much out of it, it makes you feel really good in giving back.
So don’t worry about Staying at home, enjoy it and adjust your life to it. And those who make comments, aren’t friends and are just jealous that you get to do something so many wish they could.
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Ejperchenough
Guest
I’m a SAHM and I’m studying german so that then I can get accepted in the university, where german language requirement is c2 level (I’m at b1 now, so b2, c1, c2), to do my teaching degree. We live in Switzerland. That’s my next big project.
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Contra_Mundum_1
Guest
First of all, not all women are the same. There mothers who like to be in charge of their adult kids even though they work full time.
And secondly, women can thrive intellectually even if they don’t work outside of the home. I’m sorry, but most jobs are not exactly sources of intellectual work. I work part time at an office, I should know. It’s different levels of pushing papers for many people. If you think that people’s primary intellectual stimulation must take place at work, then perhaps you don’t really know what true intellectual stimulation is.
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DarkLight
Guest
Are you sure we’re not related?
I don’t think it’s about intellectual stimulation, necessarily. It’s more that being a stay at home mother ends up being too important to a person’s self-conception. There’s rather a tendency to define ourselves and our value by what we do - this applies to jobs too, of course. But I think in more conservative communities there’s less warning about it when it comes to being a stay-at-home parent.First of all, not all women are the same. There mothers who like to be in charge of their adult kids even though they work full time.
And secondly, women can thrive intellectually even if they don’t work outside of the home. I’m sorry, but most jobs are not exactly sources of intellectual work. I work part time at an office, I should know. It’s different levels of pushing papers for many people. If you think that people’s primary intellectual stimulation must take place at work, then perhaps you don’t really know what true intellectual stimulation is.
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ThyKingdomCome
Guest
But the fact that something is difficult to transition out of doesn’t necessarily mean that the person shouldn’t have been doing that in the first place. It might just mean that that thing that they are having trouble letting go of was, in fact, incredibly meaningful and valuable.
Personality and culture are going to have a huge affect on this, but in all areas, life transitions can be traumatic. People who work very fulfilling jobs often come to find such meaning from their careers that they feel lost when they retire. Consider the woman who remains single into their mid thirties and spends those wonderful young adult years living a fulfilling and exciting life that her married counterparts can not. How many times have we heard from these women that the transition to motherhood was extremely difficult, and that they weren’t prepared for such a difficult time with their new lifestyle? Those women - if we asked them, would they say that they shouldn’t have had so much fun in their younger years? My guess is that unless they are infertile, no, many of them would say they cherish those times. So the same is probably true for the career man or woman who desperately misses their wonderful job, and so the same is for many SAHMs who identified so passionately with their special role.
Just a point of clarification:
You can’t forget that there is also the possibility that these bundles of joy WILL ollow in the footsteps of their parents. But even if my daughters DO become SAHM’s, what does that have to do with MY empty nest? No matter what path my children take, my nest will be empty. It will be hard, and I imagine I will enjoy some aspects of it, and will desperately miss parts of this life too. Hopefully, I will be able to ease into the transition as it gets closer, but even if it is hard for me, I’ll figure it out, and I won’t regret my choice to stay home.
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Secant
Guest
I am a stay-ay-home mom who gave up a six figure career for this job. Every woman in my family was a career woman and is scathing when it comes time to discuss my choice. “Well aren’t you living the liberal dream, no work and everything is paid for. Of course it’s too much for you to ask for a couple hours a month where you aren’t caring for your kid, since you are a stay-at-home, you don’t deserve a babysitter. Mom’s don’t get time off and we had to work too. You’re just lazy. If you don’t have a job, you are worthless.”
I find it insanely hard not to break down and cry and feel like the scum of the earth. My husband’s mom was a stay-at-home and child care in my town is insane ($2500/child with a $1000 price for second or third children, so two kids would be $3500). I don’t have nearby relatives to take care of her, so I chose the right thing, but the pressure I get to go get a “real” job is insane.
I find it insanely hard not to break down and cry and feel like the scum of the earth. My husband’s mom was a stay-at-home and child care in my town is insane ($2500/child with a $1000 price for second or third children, so two kids would be $3500). I don’t have nearby relatives to take care of her, so I chose the right thing, but the pressure I get to go get a “real” job is insane.
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Lost_Wanderer
Guest
Exactly. As I keep saying, your children won’t stay children forever. They’re going to leave. The question is: Will she stay mommy forever, regardless of that? I’m sure a lot of grandmothers will say they can but what they actually mean is that they’re still an elder deserving of great respect.
That’s a whole different case from someone who defined their existence by cooking, cleaning, and cuddling after their children. (Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if that was one good reason why my mother had our toughest times after hitting past puberty. On the one hand, she wanted me to do things on my own but subconsciously, her actions spoke otherwise. At least my father was more consistent with his desire to see me off his back and sharing his load instead.
)Look, I’m not telling you to regret your decision. Rather, I’m actually asking where is the support for it? It’s not enough to justify this sort of motherhood.
It’s like in marketing where people care more about getting new customers instead of just maintaining business with those who will become long-term patrons. People are all about glorifying the wonderful life of the SAHM as it starts. I have rarely, ever, seen much talk or material about what would happen once the kids aren’t kids anymore. Or at least, I don’t see this much from the pro-SAHM crowd itself where it ought to be coming from.
Now this is a more solid, economic case for being an SAHM. It’s true, nurturing mothers have long been one of the stronger bases for any civilized society. It’s an important part of an economy and it’s certainly not going to go away because of that.
That’s why I say, why not take it a step further? Why do people who cater to mothers simply limit themselves to diapers and doctors? I say, expand the market to include support for those with ENS. And specifically, I want this to come from the very people who champion stay-at-home motherhood. It only makes more sense so why don’t I see this happening?
In all honesty, I’ll still take that over a mom who overlooks career advancement simply on the grounds that you can’t do your own laundry. (No, I’m not kidding. It happened.IHate to break the news to you. Regardless if your mother stayed at home or not, she would probably still be hovering over you. If she were a career woman, she might even be bold enough to call your boss and throw her weight around. Yep, actually happened in my husbands corporation. The president of the company was called by a mom who was on the Board of Directors of the companies client.
)Don’t even get me started on how she once thought we should be spending our free time doing chores like good little kids. How a woman can assume the best way to take a break from a full-time job is by doing more housework is beyond me!
(At least the career moms I’ve seen have a sort of matriarchal classiness about them.)
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Xantippe
Guest
To this, I have to say: Saturday is chore and homework day.That’s a whole different case from someone who defined their existence by cooking, cleaning, and cuddling after their children. (Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if that was one good reason why my mother had our toughest times after hitting past puberty. On the one hand, she wanted me to do things on my own but subconsciously, her actions spoke otherwise. At least my father was more consistent with his desire to see me off his back and sharing his load instead.
**I’ve had the interesting experience of having school age children and then having a baby when my oldest two were 10 and 7. Interestingly, before I had the new baby, I was finding that my “job” had transitioned from a blue collar job (the hands-on stuff) to primarily a white collar job (management). More and more, I was mostly telling people what to do and seeing that they did it, rather than waiting on them hand and foot. Of course, once I had a new baby, I found that it was once again a blue collar gig. But I expect to get “promoted” again in a few years.
But I am an upper-middle class American SAHM and not Filipina. **
Look, I’m not telling you to regret your decision. Rather, I’m actually asking where is the support for it? It’s not enough to justify this sort of motherhood.
**Well, somebody has to wipe the bottoms, wipe the noses, and toast the toaster waffles for little itty bitty kids.
It simply has to be done by somebody if there are little kids. **
It’s like in marketing where people care more about getting new customers instead of just maintaining business with those who will become long-term patrons. People are all about glorifying the wonderful life of the SAHM as it starts. I have rarely, ever, seen much talk or material about what would happen once the kids aren’t kids anymore. Or at least, I don’t see this much from the pro-SAHM crowd itself where it ought to be coming from.
**Well, assuming that we don’t have another baby, in a few years, we are going to need tuition for our youngest to go to school. And a few years later, our oldest will be starting college. Barring some sort of miracle, I’m going to have to go to work and start making the money to help pay for that stuff.
Fortunately, during my SAHM years, I have developed new interests. I have a huge, raging passion for personal finance, and I expect that in a few years, I’m going to start doing tax preparation work. If I like it, maybe I’ll become a CPA.
My oldest is 12.5 and I’ve been home her whole life.
For me, personally, the issue is a question of means and ends. I’m interested in being an SAHM as a means to an end (helping my kids by keeping them out of germy daycares) and when the time comes for me to get a job again, it will be as a means to to the same end (helping my kids). Although there were times in my life when I idolized being an SAHM as an end in and of itself, at this point, I see it only as a means to an end.
**
Don’t even get me started on how she once thought we should be spending our free time doing chores like good little kids. How a woman can assume the best way to take a break from a full-time job is by doing more housework is beyond me!
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