Hi.
I was wondering if anyone has any experience in dealing with someone with BPD (not bipolar disorder). My sister was diagnosed and I have a very difficult time “being Jesus” to her in that she is very volatile. I try to be there for her and forgive over and over again, but for my own sanity, I feel as if I should detach from our relationship.
Thanks ahead of time for any advice.
Unfortunately I’ve had a LOT of experience. I am married, soon to be divorced from someone with a combination of 3 personality disorders (BPD/NPD/OCPD) and severe OCD. I’ve tried for the last 8-9 years of our 27 years to repair our marriage. It will not work if she doesn’t acknowledge her issues or wants help. The sad part is 2 separate counselors believe the real root cause was likely sexual abuse as a very young child over a period of time.
The following is a summary of BPD/NPD that are closely related. It will explain some of the behaviors. I bet you recognize many.
Understanding Personality Disorders
A personality disorder is an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectation of the individual’s culture, is pervasive and inflexible (unlikely to change), is stable over time, and leads to distress or impairment of interpersonal relationships.
Those with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) & NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) are driven by a constant and deeply motivated drive to find safety in their lives by avoiding things that trigger their terrifying fears. Both perceive a threat from the judgments of people around them, one that is so great that it is terrifying to them. Even insignificant statements or events may signal or trigger a terrifying change in the BP or NP’s behavior. Many of the characteristics and behaviors of these two disorders of fear are overlapping and even overlap with other mental health issues.
People with BPD feel the same emotions other people do. The difference is that they feel things more intensely, act in ways that are more extreme and have difficulty regulating their emotions and behavior.
BPD’s may feel the need to control because they feel so out of control themselves and frequently accuse others of trying to control them. Those who must control everything fear being vulnerable due to a fear of being exposed or shamed. Control is a way to insure no one can ever shame them.
They are very hypersensitive to anything that threatens their feeling of safety. They find safety within circles of people where they are perceived without fault. Powerful fears are unleashed by anything that might suggest or reveal the slightest flaw to those people.
NP’s believe themselves to be flawed and they dread and fear the discovery of this by others. They strain every muscle and expend every shred of energy to maintain their appearance as flawless. They work extremely hard to be perfect. Everything must be done to perfection.
Why Perfection?
If as children they were grossly mistreated for small errors in behavior, and if they were ignored or sometimes rewarded when they behaved perfectly (according to someone else’s standards – usually their parents), they may develop a basic dynamic of feeling safe when others perceive them as perfect, and feeling very, very threatened when they think others will perceive them as deficient.
NP’s have a common reaction to a threat to their image. They react by discrediting, demeaning, derogating, and possibly destroying the person who challenged their image. For those unlucky enough to be behind closed doors with a threatened narcissist, the fear can erupt into violent rage. They seek to maintain an image of perfection among the people who surround them. They are often considered wonderful and successful people. They are devoted to what they do and excel in all aspects of it.
Their reputations are built, in part, on the way they treat others. They may be very generous, patient or cooperative. They have to be, because they need to be perceived by those around them as perfect. Any suggestion of imperfection is intensely frightening to them.
When a person becomes closely associated with an NP, especially by marriage, that person was part of the “other” world of the NP with which they tried to maintain the perfect image. As a spouse, the person becomes part of the NP’s “inside” definition of self. When this happens the dynamic changes completely. Before, the NP made strenuous efforts to behave perfectly toward the person, and asked only that the other person support this image. Now the NP views the spouse as part of his/her projected self-image. If is no longer important how the person views the NP; it is now imperitive that the person also present an impression of perfection to those “outside”.
Without knowing it, the now “included” spouse is suddenly held to the same impossible standard that the NP holds for him/her self…. “perfection”.
The need for approval from the person they married evaporates; everything becomes secondary to maintaining the image of perfection. Any behavior or public visibility that suggests anything less is intolerable. Imperfection in the spouse now also becomes an imminent threat to the NP and all measures to achieve control become necessary. Intimidation, criticism, manipulation and rage can all be employed to ensure the spouse maintains the proper standard of behavior. The standard itself is an impossible one. There may not be anything that can be done that meets the NP’s definition of perfect.
At home, where no one “outside” can see, any level of emotional violence or abuse can be used by the NP to control the other. But in public, the NP’s behavior is constrained to within socially accepted limits. In public, the spouse will be treated with consideration and courtesy. The brutal raging, anger and controlling behavior is reserved for private settings.
Defense Mechanisms (I will post in part 2)
But, it is an online friendship, so I don’t think it could be compared to an offline relationship.