Boyfriend living with my parents

[SusanRose]

Hi everyone,

I pray you do not judge me harshly and help give me some advice. I have read a homily online about cohabition and I always tried to stick to my belief that unless married to someone, I did not want to live with them. Considering my sister, cousins and friends do not believe in this at all - or at least most of them find the pressure of society today too difficult - this has been quite hard.

I met my boyfriend when I was 17, I’m 22 now. He is from Dublin and I am from Belfast. So our relationship was a very slow thing to blossom. Eventually I was studying in Dublin and rented a flat with another girl. I saw him every day and when my course ended I wanted to stay in Dublin. I couldn’t find work anywhere though and I was homesick for my family. I came back to live with my parents and we travelled back and forth to see each other for another year. However, the economy is dire in the republic of ireland and when he graduated from his post graduate, he spent a year and a half failing to get work…failing to get interviews even. My parents told him he was welcome to live with us if he had more luck getting a job in Belfast, they had known him for 3 years and were so supportive of us.

After a few months he got a job here and has lived with us now for a year. We, of course(!!), have seperate rooms and respect my parent’s space and generosity. We actually all live very well together and I am so grateful to my parents for being so supportive of him and us. But is this morally wrong? Now that he has saved up money he wants us to rent somewhere together and I have told him that I don’t want that - he respects this and my beliefs. Am I just trying to make myself feel better because we are living with my parents and trying to kid myself this isn’t the same as cohabiting?

Someone please help and advise me my whole family tell me I worry too much and that this was common years ago, especially when the economy was bad before. Only then people seemed to get engaged/married a whole lot quicker and younger. I know we are heading in that direction as we have talked about it and are trying to save as much money as possible for starting a life together.

 

[Corki]

It’s not cohabitation for your boyfriend to be a guest in your parents’ house. Your parents are being wonderfully generous.

 

[Labarum]

It is not cohabitating if he is living at your parents as a guest and have separate rooms. You are living more like brother and sister rather than husband and wife.

Stick to your values and live with your parents until you are married. It is not easy doing this with the temptation and outside pressure.

It is good to hear that your boyfriend is respectful of your beliefs. If he truly loves you and respects you then he will wait till marriage for you both to live with each other.

 

[nonanon]

I agree with the others. If you’ve got separate rooms, and are remaining chaste, it’s not cohabitation at all.

I think your parents are setting a great example of love and generosity, and you and your boyfriend are to be commended for showing such respect for each other and your faith. It’s a great example for the community, and should you eventually marry and have a family, a wonderful story to share with your children.

 

[Brendan_McCabe]

You are doing everything the right way it sounds like, this is not cohabiting, it would have been if you had both moved into a place of your own like he wanted but you knew that and made the right decision not to.

Rather than asking you to move in with him he needs to ask you to marry him, its been long enough now he should know whether he wants you for a wife or not.

 

[Brendan_McCabe]

I agree with the others. If you’ve got separate rooms, and are remaining chaste, it’s not cohabitation at all.

Its also the fact that they are living with the parents that is the most important factor that stops it from been cohabitation.

 

[m_crane]

I think your parents are deeply misguided and are setting you up for a bad situation. How can you discern marriage when the person is already living with you? I am also very skeptical about whether you are living a chaste relationship,. Seperate bedrooms does guarantee you won’t be tempted. You are not married to this man and he has no business living in the same household as you.

I’ve seen this angle used by young people and their parents too many times to fall for this one.

Live apart or get married.

I not being harsh but someone has to uphold some moral standards

 

[SusanRose]

I think your parents are deeply misguided and are setting you up for a bad situation. How can you discern marriage when the person is already living with you? I am also very skeptical about whether you are living a chaste relationship,. Seperate bedrooms does guarantee you won’t be tempted. You are not married to this man and he has no business living in the same household as you.

I’ve seen this angle used by young people and their parents too many times to fall for this one.

Live apart or get married.

I not being harsh but someone has to uphold some moral standards

Well thank you for your honesty and sharing your stance on it - even though it is a little difficult to accept. I do see a lot of truth in what you say which is exactly why I posted my question in this forum for guidance because everything you listed is what I was worrying about. I do think that the situation we are in is not ideal - but because we have been in it so long now, and it has worked so well especially with the current job situation, it would be a hard one to break.
I think sometimes, maybe it would have been wiser for it to never have arisen but with the support of my family I did not see this at the time.

I do not wish to discuss being ‘chaste’ because it was not the whole basis of my question and I believed I covered it without being too personal in my initial post.

Thank you so much to everyone else for your encouraging words. They have really made me feel so much better on a day when I really needed it! I really love and appreciate everything my family are doing for me. I know that my parents lived with my Dad’s family after they got married because of money problems and I know my boyfriend’s parents lived with their families together when they were engaged because of distance as well. I think in Ireland it is not uncommon and definitley more acceptable then, then living together.
Now living together is so so common, that what my boyfriend and I are doing often gets very strange reactions and faces from people!

God bless you all for saying my parents are generous and loving I really appreciate it

 

[SecretGarden]

I agree with most of my peers here when it comes to him living with your family. I totally understand that economic times are tough therefore it took your boyfriend time to find a job. Your parents must have liked and respected him a great deal to make such an offer. Now it’s up to you to discern and ask yourself, now that you have lived with him as a brother, do you see yourself with this guy for the rest of your life? Has he spoken about wanting to marry you, or are there other motives for him wanting to cohabitate together? I think this is something you need to bring to the Lord in prayer and ask him honestly: does the Lord God want you to marry this guy, if yes to please give you an answer. If the answer if no, you’ll have to make some tough decisions. I also think you need to be honest with your boyfriend and ask him where does he think this is going.

You’ve been together and known each other for about 5 years and it’s at a point where answers need to be answered. You are young therefore getting married at 22 or 23 is still a bit early but you are also old enough to know does this guy have plans to marry you: yes or no. If the answer is yes, I would also suggest that you ask him to give you a year as well as season preferably a month. Sometimes guys will say they want to marry a girl but they won’t give this information and often after many years, the girl gets tired of waiting but she’ll stay because she’s familiar with him even though he is taking her for granted. If the answer is no, break up and move on. It sounds harsh to say but you deserve to be with a man who will love you and wants to marry you. If he’s not worthy of marriage, out he goes.

Cohabitation even with an engagement ring is always a bad idea. It’s best to live separately and chastly until after marriage.

Another thing I always suggest that for dating couples to make a point of praying together because if they pray together, if they are destined for marriage it adds an extra foundation to the relationship, if it doesn’t work out, at least God was put into the centre and it’s something that just helps the person in the long run.

If you have any questions, please feel free to send me a message.

Good luck,

SG

 

[domandcarols]

Hi everyone,

I pray you do not judge me harshly and help give me some advice. I have read a homily online about cohabition and I always tried to stick to my belief that unless married to someone, I did not want to live with them. Considering my sister, cousins and friends do not believe in this at all - or at least most of them find the pressure of society today too difficult - this has been quite hard.

I met my boyfriend when I was 17, I’m 22 now. He is from Dublin and I am from Belfast. So our relationship was a very slow thing to blossom. Eventually I was studying in Dublin and rented a flat with another girl. I saw him every day and when my course ended I wanted to stay in Dublin. I couldn’t find work anywhere though and I was homesick for my family. I came back to live with my parents and we travelled back and forth to see each other for another year. However, the economy is dire in the republic of ireland and when he graduated from his post graduate, he spent a year and a half failing to get work…failing to get interviews even. My parents told him he was welcome to live with us if he had more luck getting a job in Belfast, they had known him for 3 years and were so supportive of us.

After a few months he got a job here and has lived with us now for a year. We, of course(!!), have seperate rooms and respect my parent’s space and generosity. We actually all live very well together and I am so grateful to my parents for being so supportive of him and us. But is this morally wrong? Now that he has saved up money he wants us to rent somewhere together and I have told him that I don’t want that - he respects this and my beliefs. Am I just trying to make myself feel better because we are living with my parents and trying to kid myself this isn’t the same as cohabiting?

Someone please help and advise me my whole family tell me I worry too much and that this was common years ago, especially when the economy was bad before. Only then people seemed to get engaged/married a whole lot quicker and younger. I know we are heading in that direction as we have talked about it and are trying to save as much money as possible for starting a life together.

It’s fine as long as you have separate rooms and don’t do anything!
I’ll pray for both of you, God bless you.

 

[SummerSmiles]

I agree with the other posters who have said that it is not cohabiting. Your boyfriend is a guest in your parents’ home, which is very generous and loving of your parents. He has a separate bedroom from yours. Also, because your parents also live in the home, they hcan chaperone the two of you. It would be cohabiting if you both rented your own place.

With the economy the way it is today, I’m finding that it’s more and more common for married children to still live at home with one set of parents. My husband and I had to live with his parents for a few months after we were first married. Then we moved out, and five years later have had to move in with my parents for a period of time. Many of my married friends have also had to do the same in order to save for a down payment for a house.

I think you still have some things to think about. You’ve been together 5 years? Surely by now you have some idea of whether or not this is the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with. Have you both had a conversation about marriage? Have you prayed about it? I understand from his point of view, if he’s not proposing because he hasn’t felt stable enough financially to provide for you, that is perfectly understandable. But if that is the case, you should both be discussing it, and working towards being able to get married. If he doesn’t have plans to marry you, then I don’t think there is much point in keeping him around.

 

[PennyinCanada]

Now that he has saved up money he wants us to rent somewhere together and I have told him that I don’t want that - he respects this and my beliefs.

This was a red flag to me. He doesn’t share your beliefs. If he loved you and wanted to spend the rest of his life with you, he should be saying Will you marry me? After 5 yrs it’s time for a ring and a date.

What is his expectation? That you move in together, share the rent. Does this mean he expects that you will go on the pill? (If you got married, would he expect you to be on the pill?) What happens when there’s an unexpected pregnancy? If he’s not ready to get married, certainly he’s not ready for a baby. God’s plan for our lives is better than this.

He should move out if he has the money, find a buddy to share the rent if that’s the issue. I hope that you can look at this time as a time of courtship, of discerning. Many young people have jumped into living together without taking the time to discern and a few kids down the road they wonder What on earth was I thinking?? The beautiful virtue of chastity before marriage saves us much heart ache and helps us keep a clear head when planning the rest of our lives. The ability to say No when we need to is a great blessing.

Please use this time wisely. Do you understand what the Church teaches in regard to marriage? Are you familiar with NFP? Every young woman, whether she gets married or not, would benefit from understanding her fertility. I wish by 16 yrs old, I had a clue!

Pray for wisdom and discernment. You are at a critical time in your life. May our Blessed Mother strengthen you!

 

[SusanRose]

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to advise me… truly I appreciate it.

I perhaps did not make it clear, the time when he thought about us moving in together was about 6 months ago, we dealt with it then and it’s no longer an issue. We have discussed marriage and he would like to marry me in the very near future. He has just been worried about the financial element this past year. Also, as another poster said I am still quite young at 22 and worried about my own financial stability so we have both decided to wait a little longer but it is our ultimate goal. We are saving money together and i pray we geet engaged one day when the time feels right to us. I don’t think it will be another 5 years, but a year or two longer feels right to me.

That is why I am so grateful to my parents for supporting us, it means I can save and pray about it and feel more prepared for the next step. I am just trying to stay aware of any of the problems along the way so I don’t make a bad choice, you know? So all this advice to be aware of is very useful but it isn’t a question of a guy who is just hanging around the house haha! We love each other very much, he comes to mass with me ever Sunday. He was raised Catholic but his family don’t practice now so it has been a bit of coming back to the faith on his part and I love that we are praying together.

We are also being chaste and I am aware of NFP and he would never expect me to go on the Pill. These are all things we have discussed and I am happy with how we both feel about them. I think if I felt things regarding marriage were moving too slowly in another while, or something akin, then he would move out with a friend but honestly he still knows very little people in this city and I am happy that my parents can be a support to him. Also, i really don’t see how my feelings would change either.

Thank you everyone, praying for all of you and praying for my own guidance as well
xox

 

[Labarum]

I perhaps did not make it clear, the time when he thought about us moving in together was about 6 months ago, we dealt with it then and it’s no longer an issue. We have discussed marriage and he would like to marry me in the very near future. He has just been worried about the financial element this past year. Also, as another poster said I am still quite young at 22 and worried about my own financial stability so we have both decided to wait a little longer but it is our ultimate goal. We are saving money together and i pray we geet engaged one day when the time feels right to us. I don’t think it will be another 5 years, but a year or two longer feels right to me.

It is understandable to wait till your financial situation changes for the better, however, money is not everything and you don’t need to have a big expensive wedding.

My best friend was in the same situation where his girlfriend lived with his parents (she left because of family issues) and they got married even though they did not have a lot of money to start. But what they did was lived in their parent’s basement for the first 2 years and was able to buy a house.

There are many more important reasons to wait to marry than money and stability. I am happily married but life doesn’t become stable, it continues to bring challenges financially, relationally, and spiritually. You just need to be grounded in Christ and hold firm to your vows that you will be together through good times and bad times till death.

God Bless you!

 

[SusanRose]

It is understandable to wait till your financial situation changes for the better, however, money is not everything and you don’t need to have a big expensive wedding.

My best friend was in the same situation where his girlfriend lived with his parents (she left because of family issues) and they got married even though they did not have a lot of money to start. But what they did was lived in their parent’s basement for the first 2 years and was able to buy a house.

There are many more important reasons to wait to marry than money and stability. I am happily married but life doesn’t become stable, it continues to bring challenges financially, relationally, and spiritually. You just need to be grounded in Christ and hold firm to your vows that you will be together through good times and bad times till death.

God Bless you!

Thank you for the encouragement, you wouldn’t believe how many people try to put you off marriage especially when you are young and struggling to find work. It is always nice to be reminded of the positive, god bless

x

 

[ToeInTheWater]

I agree with the majority of other posters in that I don’t think you and your boyfriend’s current living arrangement is the same as the kind of cohabitation where people live together “as man and wife”, enjoying all the benefits including sex, often these days children, without the responsibilities. I don’t think it’s a sin, and with your parents around, I don’t think it’s a near occasion of sin either.

However, just because a situation isn’t sinful doesn’t always make it prudent, that is, a good idea. For example, from what I understand, eating chocolate cake is not, in and of itself, a sin. But it might not always be a good idea (for example, a diabetic who forgot her insulin at home should likely NOT be eating large amounts of cake with afternoon tea). Smoking cigarettes isn’t always a sin, but I don’t think it’s a good idea either.

While I don’t share m crane’s cynicism as to your commitment to chastity, I think the point about it being more difficult to discern marriage if you are living together is still applicable. Now, most couples who live together these days, in terms of being two people living by themselves, aren’t chaste, and the bond created by sexual activity can often blind them into thinking they are meant to be together, and overlook many problems that would eventually doom the relationship.

But the problem with cohabitation isn’t just about sexual activity, or even the temptation to engage in it. It’s also about inappropriate emotional closeness before marriage. Many people see cohabiting couples as automatically more committed than non-cohabiting couples (there was a recent wedding etiquette topic about this). Women especially tend to see cohabitation as a step before engagement and marriage. They often feel that, once they’re in that situation, if they don’t “cross the finish line” into marriage, that they’ve wasted their time and emotional energy, and almost feel trapped into going forward. Sure, sex is a component of this in most cases, but I think even having someone live with you as a family member (as opposed to a lover) could make people think “well, we’ve come this far, of course we’re getting married” instead of really trying to discern whether someone is a suitable marriage partner.

That being said, I don’t think it’s impossible to discern marriage in such a situation, and I don’t think I know enough about your particular situation to say that your boyfriend has to move out of your parents’ house. I think it might be a good idea, though, to ponder “Well, if I wasn’t seeing him every day, if we hadn’t shared the same address for so long, would I still feel the same way about marrying him?”

 

[twoangels]

Susan,

Its important to remember that dating is a man made institution. Marriage is a Divine Institution. Marriage is that institution where a couple establishes a special relationship that includes a sexual relationship and thus becomes the foundation of the family. This sacrament is administered through the free consent of the couple.

The courtship process evolved through a belief that arranged marriages were the primary cause of unhappy marriages. Since its invention, it has been attempted to be perfected in order to guarentee this romantized notion of marriage. Parents have become far less involved, the lenght of courtships has increased from 3 months to sometimes 10 years. What started out as casually socializing in the family parlor has turned into moving in together not even anymore to try out marriage (as was done in the 70s) but an end in itself. Many couples today when they marry do not see marriage as the exchange of any consent or real vows. Rather they see it as a celebration of “love.” The couple has been in a “committed relationship” successfully and happily for such and such years and all they see themselves as doing is gaining the public recognition of the status of their relationship. In many ways, the couples can’t really p(name removed by moderator)oint when their relationship earned that status. It just evolved over time.

I’m not saying this is the way even Catholic cohabitators approach marriage, but there is a far stronger push to consider cohabitating couples as equal to married couples. However I would say that we still are culturally influenced. Its very easy to think that so long as we don’t have sex and don’t cohabitate, we’re ok. But that’s not the point. Moreover it isn’t even always practical to think of it that way.

My husband and I lived 3 hours from each other for much of our courtship. Throughout our courtship we lived in various locations. We’ve lived with our parents and we’ve lived in apartments. During our engagement, I lived in an apartment just 3 minutes from my husband who was living with his folks till we got married. When we lived 3 hours a part, we slept at each other’s folks place. It honestly was far more easy to be chaste when we actually both slept at at our folks place. We slept in seperate rooms and any temptation to change our sleeping arrangements was hindered by the fact that we knew our parents were around. Whereas when one of us rented an apartment, being alone in that apartment was more tempting than being in the same bedroom at our parents’ house (We did avoid bedrooms but sometimes sunk in to get closer to air condition units in the summer only to find it tempted and get out). So practically speaking, the parents’ presense is a plus. It can even be seen as better than two adults with their own seperate homes that if they wanted to they could hang out out in privately for hours on end to the wee hours of the night till you’re too tired to drive and have to spend the night.

But remaining sexually inactive is not even the whole point. The other point is to recognize that dating is not an end in itself. “Dating” or rather “being in a relationship with your boyfriend/girlfriend” should not be used to gain the emotional companionship and intimacy a married couple has. It shouldn’t be about following your heart. Your heart has no brain. The courtship should be about about using your brain. Is this person I’m attracted to worthy of my heart? Its important to recognize that while dating can be exciting and there are a lot of passions and desires, ultimately marrying your spouse is the moment you finally give your heart (and all of it) to your spouse, and you receive the same in return.

So I’d say its important to identify if your relationship is in relationship limbo. Has dating turned into an end in itself? Is it lasting too long? Is his living with your parents getting him too involved with you and your family to the point that he’s more like family than like a suitor?

My sister and brother-in-law lived in seperate bedrooms at my parents’ house for the last few months of their engagement. They then lived in the same bedroom at my parents’ house till they were able to get their own place a couple months after the wedding. The priest who married them is very orthodox and supported their choice given the circumstances.

I however would say that you have to look more at where your relationship is going. I’m much more concerned that he’s almost seeing you as his “wife” by trying to get you to move in with him in a seperate place. That just says to me that he sees the dating relationship as an end in itself, not a discernment process and preparation for marriage.

 

[SusanRose]

thank you both for such indepth answers and taking the tim to write them!

These are of course all the things of which I was worried, so it’s good to take them out and look at them. The whole, “oh of course those 2 will get married” is what used to annoy me, I didn’t want anyone to make that assumption and I know that he definitley does not which is why I can remain ok with it, it’s more other people’s view of it. BUt I have to say that my family are not really devout Catholic and I practice more than all of them so they don’t see the problem as big as I do which can be very confusing for me sometimes - so thank you for your answers and giving me a place to vent my thoughts

I think all points are valid…I do know the situation and my boyfriend well though and perhaps, out of naiviety, i think we are good. We are relaly open and communicative with each other and I have always told him and myself that if our situation change sin the immediate future in regards to how I feel about it, I will tell him. He has spoken this week about finding a place of his own to rent and now it is me that would be sad to see him go and worry that we wouldn’t be able to save for a place of our own (when we are married) if he does that…I guess I’m a confusing person

thanks everyone, i really feel your support about the situation. I hope I’m not wrong, and will continue to be aware and seek support in my faith and my church and my family that we may be guided down the right path. If however I am, expect to see tearful posts in another 2 years haha

God bless x

 

[Labarum]

thank you both for such indepth answers and taking the tim to write them!

These are of course all the things of which I was worried, so it’s good to take them out and look at them. The whole, “oh of course those 2 will get married” is what used to annoy me, I didn’t want anyone to make that assumption and I know that he definitley does not which is why I can remain ok with it, it’s more other people’s view of it. BUt I have to say that my family are not really devout Catholic and I practice more than all of them so they don’t see the problem as big as I do which can be very confusing for me sometimes - so thank you for your answers and giving me a place to vent my thoughts

I think all points are valid…I do know the situation and my boyfriend well though and perhaps, out of naiviety, i think we are good. We are relaly open and communicative with each other and I have always told him and myself that if our situation change sin the immediate future in regards to how I feel about it, I will tell him. He has spoken this week about finding a place of his own to rent and now it is me that would be sad to see him go and worry that we wouldn’t be able to save for a place of our own (when we are married) if he does that…I guess I’m a confusing person

thanks everyone, i really feel your support about the situation. I hope I’m not wrong, and will continue to be aware and seek support in my faith and my church and my family that we may be guided down the right path. If however I am, expect to see tearful posts in another 2 years haha

God bless x

I must commend you for your openness and receptiveness to all responses. Some people would take some of this feedback and take it personally where you are open to what is given and discerning.

When you get married you don’t need to buy a house. Many rent and I believe in Ireland housing prices have fallen a lot and continue to fall as the economy gets worse. So to hold off on a wedding because of a house (in my opinion) is not wise. It is even more foolish to buy a house in this current economic climate. Plus why add more stress in owning a house and being tied down to that one location?

Best to wait and rent first till the dust settles.

God Bless you

 

[Sillara]

I was 22 when I got married, and my husband was, too. We have been married over 14 years. I was the oldest of my siblings to marry. I never understand why people say that 22 is SO young to marry.