Boyfriend's Attraction to Another Woman

[lauralh4]

Hi everyone,

I haven’t posted here in a really long while, but I felt like doing so now because I am in need of some advice. I’ve been dating this absolutely wonderful young man (I’m in my mid-twenties, he in his late twenties) for about 2 and a half months. We were best friends for a long while before that. We grow and learn so much together - about life and about God. This relationship is a real blessing - so much more mature and real than any we’ve ever experienced before. I love this man in a way I’d never experienced love before.

The issue I’m struggling with right this second is this: I made the mistake of reading an email he wrote to his best friend (he left his email inbox open after leaving my appartment). In it, he confessed he found a woman at his work - the new social worker - attractive. He also mentioned that he loves me, and that he didn’t like finding this other woman attractive. That, even if his attraction to this other woman wasn’t a strong, deep, even mystical attraction like he feels for me, that he still wished he had eyes for me and me only.

His best friend had some really good things to say. He explained that this is normal, and talked about how what would be wrong would be to fantasize about a woman other than your girlfriend/spouse, and/or to act on that. Along with that, he had many things to say about him, our relationship, and about how this is an opportunity from God to learn how to deal with this kind of thing now, instead of 30 years into marriage.

As soon as I read all this, I called him to apologize for invading his privacy and to let him know about what I’d read. We talked about this, and he even told me how he was relieved after reading the email his best friend sent in response because it put everything under a different light, and now he found himself acknowledging that this other woman is attractive but that “so what?” He’s not going to act on it, he loves me, he even mentioned in his email how he feels I could very well be the love of his life (and I feel the same way about him).

I love how open we are, and how we can talk, naturally, about everything. This is something we’ve probably kept from the time we were best friends. He even said he was going to mention all this to me this weekend (because of his work - volunteer at a boys’ home run by Capuchin Franciscan friars - we can only see each other on weekends), but that he forgot - which I absolutely believe, because he’s very forgetful.

So, the thing is this: I know there’s nothing for me to worry about. I love him beyond words, he loves me more than anyone’s ever loved me before, and I would never ever doubt his faithfulness to me. His emailing his best friend about just being attracted to someone else and being uncomfortable with that even shows me how he truly loves and cares about me, to the point of not even liking feeling attracted to someone else. …So, what do I do with what I feel? This is very recent, too - it all just happened under an hour ago. We’re gonna talk more tonight. But I still feel sad, I don’t feel well. My parents had issues of infidelity during their marriage (which is now over), and I think it’s a soft spot for me. But my boyfriend couldn’t possibly be less like my dad… So what do I worry about? What am I scared of?

To guys out there - is it really common to, in a mature relationship (not driven by infatuation), feel attracted to other women? How have you dealt with that? And to women - if you’ve been here before, do you have any advice about…I don’t know, about what to do with how this feels? I don’t feel cheated, betrayed, any of that. I know how much my boyfriend loves me. I trust him so, so much. But I’m also sad… Part of me wishes I could feel attracted to another man to understand what he’s going through, to understand that even if there’s attraction, well, “so what?” So what?, if I’m actually already with the one and only I want to be with? I wish I could get rid of the sadness that I feel in my heart at this moment. I’m confident it will go away…but I’m just not feeling great right now.

Advice on how to deal with these emotions would be greatly appreciated! Thanks so much in advance, and God bless you all.

 

[AlTheCollegeGal]

Hi everyone,

I haven’t posted here in a really long while, but I felt like doing so now because I am in need of some advice. I’ve been dating this absolutely wonderful young man (I’m in my mid-twenties, he in his late twenties) for about 2 and a half months. We were best friends for a long while before that. We grow and learn so much together - about life and about God. This relationship is a real blessing - so much more mature and real than any we’ve ever experienced before. I love this man in a way I’d never experienced love before.

The issue I’m struggling with right this second is this: I made the mistake of reading an email he wrote to his best friend (he left his email inbox open after leaving my appartment). In it, he confessed he found a woman at his work - the new social worker - attractive. He also mentioned that he loves me, and that he didn’t like finding this other woman attractive. That, even if his attraction to this other woman wasn’t a strong, deep, even mystical attraction like he feels for me, that he still wished he had eyes for me and me only.

His best friend had some really good things to say. He explained that this is normal, and talked about how what would be wrong would be to fantasize about a woman other than your girlfriend/spouse, and/or to act on that. Along with that, he had many things to say about him, our relationship, and about how this is an opportunity from God to learn how to deal with this kind of thing now, instead of 30 years into marriage.

As soon as I read all this, I called him to apologize for invading his privacy and to let him know about what I’d read. We talked about this, and he even told me how he was relieved after reading the email his best friend sent in response because it put everything under a different light, and now he found himself acknowledging that this other woman is attractive but that “so what?” He’s not going to act on it, he loves me, he even mentioned in his email how he feels I could very well be the love of his life (and I feel the same way about him).

I love how open we are, and how we can talk, naturally, about everything. This is something we’ve probably kept from the time we were best friends. He even said he was going to mention all this to me this weekend (because of his work - volunteer at a boys’ home run by Capuchin Franciscan friars - we can only see each other on weekends), but that he forgot - which I absolutely believe, because he’s very forgetful.

So, the thing is this: I know there’s nothing for me to worry about. I love him beyond words, he loves me more than anyone’s ever loved me before, and I would never ever doubt his faithfulness to me. His emailing his best friend about just being attracted to someone else and being uncomfortable with that even shows me how he truly loves and cares about me, to the point of not even liking feeling attracted to someone else. …So, what do I do with what I feel? This is very recent, too - it all just happened under an hour ago. We’re gonna talk more tonight. But I still feel sad, I don’t feel well. My parents had issues of infidelity during their marriage (which is now over), and I think it’s a soft spot for me. But my boyfriend couldn’t possibly be less like my dad… So what do I worry about? What am I scared of?

To guys out there - is it really common to, in a mature relationship (not driven by infatuation), feel attracted to other women? How have you dealt with that? And to women - if you’ve been here before, do you have any advice about…I don’t know, about what to do with how this feels? I don’t feel cheated, betrayed, any of that. I know how much my boyfriend loves me. I trust him so, so much. But I’m also sad… Part of me wishes I could feel attracted to another man to understand what he’s going through, to understand that even if there’s attraction, well, “so what?” So what?, if I’m actually already with the one and only I want to be with? I wish I could get rid of the sadness that I feel in my heart at this moment. I’m confident it will go away…but I’m just not feeling great right now.

Advice on how to deal with these emotions would be greatly appreciated! Thanks so much in advance, and God bless you all.

I think the most important thing is to keep in mind that A.) your boyfriend loves you very much and was completely honest with you and B.) attraction does not equal the tendency to stray. There are certain people in life that one finds attractive, and it is not something that is controllable. I am sure that there are times when you notice if another guy is really good-looking. The best thing to do is to make sure that you both continue to be honest with each other, but also, that you work on trusting. This all comes down to trust: if you know that he loves God and he loves you, try and realize that your boyfriend is not going to leave you arbitrarily for a woman he thinks of as attractive. Relationships go deeper than merely physical attraction.

 

[KCT]

Well, just because we love one person, doesn’t mean we stop being human and stop finding other people pretty or handsome.

Saying someone is attractive doesn’t equal liking that person in an emotional way.

 

[jimmy]

I think that if you are looking for a guy who will never find another woman attractive, you might as well join a convent because it is a hopeless endevor. Be satisfied with the fact that he chose you, and that he loves you. The fact that he chose you means he rejected every other woman.

 

[EliseNC]

Your boyfriend sounds awesome. He reached out to a friend to get some advice and to share a concern. That was a very mature response on his part. I’ve been married almost 18 years and trust me when I say that it is very normal to find someone of the opposite sex attractive. It is going to happen for both of you. What matters is how you will deal with it. It sounds like you have a keeper!

 

[tabycat]

I would be more worried if he did not have any attraction to any other women. If he didn’t, I would think he was ill or dead. Don’t worry, it’s you he loves, not the other woman.

 

[jimmy]

I would be more worried if he did not have any attraction to any other women. If he didn’t, I would think he was ill or dead. Don’t worry, it’s you he loves, not the other woman.

More likely dead. If he were merely ill he would probably notice the attractive nurses.

 

[bzkoss236]

The feeling of attraction is only that of “I think this person has nice qualities”, and doesn’t necessarily mean “I’d rather date that person”. My whole life I’ve found women attractive, but never under the thought of “I want to marry her and only her”. I am married now and I still find other women attractive, and my wife knows this. She too finds other guys attractive, but as with me, it is only that we find those people have nice qualities (inside and out), and not that we would rather be with them if we were given the opportunity. I love my wife, and I find her very attractive. Sure, there may be a prettier woman out there, but I chose my wife. So sure, I may find other women attractive, but I only have eyes for my wife. I only see my future with her, and not with anyone else. That is what I think “having eyes for” means. Not that you find someone attractive, but that you choose that particular someone to be with and be devoted to.

 

[mommamaree]

It is normal to occasionally find other people attractive. My husband has found other gals attractive. I have found other men attractive. We admit “she is pretty” or “he is handsome” in passing conversations. We usually agree with each other’s assessment. And we move on. It is no big deal in the long run of relationships. And anyway, I would like to know what my husband finds attractive. Sometimes, it is aspects I share with the other pretty girl. Other times, she is pretty in a completely different way. Sometimes he likes something that I also share, like hair as an example, but he likes how she plays it up a bit. Then I get a bit more creative with hair or makeup to be pretty for my husband. It is all quite innocent and honest. But I did struggle with my pettiness and jealousies very early in our relationship. We both proved our trustworthiness, though. And our continuing intense attraction for each other!

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

To guys out there - is it really common to, in a mature relationship (not driven by infatuation), feel attracted to other women?

LOL.

I’m a married guy.

Out of all my female friends that are close to my age (30), I would say I find 75% of them physically attractive, to one degree or another. I probably have higher testosterone than most my age, but I suspect most men are similar to me in this sense.

Of those women mentioned, there are several that I am “emotionally” attracted to as well, so to speak.

But none of them are my wife! That’s the most important thing!

Yet despite this, in 8 years, I haven’t had an affair and I’m telling you there’s no way it’s ever happening. Just won’t.

Don’t worry, he sounds like a good guy.

 

[underacloud]

LOL.

I’m a married guy.

Out of all my female friends that are close to my age (30), I would say I find 75% of them physically attractive, to one degree or another. I probably have higher testosterone than most my age, but I suspect most men are similar to me in this sense.

Of those women mentioned, there are several that I am “emotionally” attracted to as well, so to speak.

But none of them are my wife! That’s the most important thing!

Yet despite this, in 8 years, I haven’t had an affair and I’m telling you there’s no way it’s ever happening. Just won’t.

As a married man, I’d say this is my experience too and pretty typical.

Men can’t help being attracted to other women. It’s entirely natural. We can help what we choose to do, and in my case that choice is to love and be faithful to my wife, in thought and action.

Don’t worry, he sounds like a good guy.

Yep, he sounds like an honest and honorable man.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

I’m not old enough to be married, but there is a girl I really like and would be in a relationship with if given the opportunity. I can tell you that even though I think she is one of the most beautiful girls on the planet both on the outside and the inside, I still find other girls attractive. This is completely normal. It is both physically and theologically accurate to say that girls are the most beautiful things on earth (Forgive the word “thing”. I couldn’t think of another word, though I know that word is terrible in that sentence). Women are beautiful on the inside, and indeed, on the outside. I find many other girls attractive, including some of my closest friends. But that doesn’t mean I would rather be in a relationship with them. It just means I have eyes and can see God’s beauty reflected in women.

You have nothing to worry or be upset about. He sounds like a great guy, so don’t fret about this. He loves you, and if he truly loves you, you are the most beautiful girl in the world to him. I don’t know about him, but I wouldn’t trade the most beautiful girl in the world to me for some other girl at the office who has a nice laugh and a charming personality.

 

[Bezant]

To guys out there - is it really common to, in a mature relationship (not driven by infatuation), feel attracted to other women? How have you dealt with that? And to women - if you’ve been here before, do you have any advice about…I don’t know, about what to do with how this feels? I don’t feel cheated, betrayed, any of that. I know how much my boyfriend loves me. I trust him so, so much. But I’m also sad.

Bachelor here.

My last ex had the complete package: gorgeous smile, nice figure, intelligent, sassy, fun, independent, multi-talented, etc. Yet even in the early days, when I was crazy about her, I noticed a beautiful lady when I met one. Maybe the odd, superficial interest flickered in my thoughts. After that I forgot about her.

For women like you, who wear blinders in a relationship, it’s difficult understanding men who don’t. But the truth is we wouldn’t commit if we thought our chances were better elsewhere.

 

[Anglewannabe]

If you have only been going out 2 and half months, I think it is pretty normal to be upset about this. After more time together there will come a more of a knowing of why your boyfriend is with you and less worry he will leave. (assuming he continues to be a nice guy)

My parents had the most faithful marriage. Yet, my dad loved to watch his girlfriend Shania Twain on TV. And he was forever teasing my mom about the check out guy at the grocery store being her boyfriend. (no pun intended - check out guy get it ha ha)

And there were occasions, in public when my dad would notice a strikingly beautiful woman and his jaw would drop and my mom would laugh. Oddly, he always noticed her 20 minutes after I did

 

[Lochias]

Just had to point something out, important object lesson:

Don’t Snoop. There was never any problem to begin with, it seems, and if you’d just closed the screen to his e-mail account, you wouldn’t be having troubled thoughts at all.

I’ve done something similar in the past, and regret it to this very day.

Do Not Snoop. Let privacy be private, or you’re just asking for trouble you didn’t need to suffer through at all.

 

[hannajomar]

God has created lots of beautiful, attractive people.
I’m a married woman and I notice attractive men. For me, I deal with it by not trying to suppress the feeling. Then it is much easier to not dwell on it and just move on with life. For example, if I notice an attractive man, I could say to myself. * Stop! This is bad! You are a married woman! You are endangering your faithfulness to your husband by noticing this other man. … Why am I attracted to him, anyway? What does my attraction towards Mr. So-and-so say about my relationship with my husband? What does he have that my husband doesn’t… *
For me, this line of thinking just causes me to think about this other person a lot. Instead, I way to myself, wow, he’s nice-looking. or maybe *He has that personality trait that my husband doesn’t have. *
No matter who you end up marrying, chances are you will be attracted to other men at times. I think it’s a part of life that we just learn to live with. I do admire you and your boyfriend’s maturity in sincerely dealing with things as soon as they come up. That says a lot about your relationship. I agree with a pp that we are often insecure in the beginning of relationships. What you are feeling is natural. I hope you come back and give us an update on how things are going.

 

[Michael1966]

To guys out there - is it really common to, in a mature relationship (not driven by infatuation), feel attracted to other women?

I’ve been happily married for 23 years. In that time there have been women I find attractive and who I like. But I’m married and love my wife dearly - so it never goes further than noticing I find someone else attractive.

God bless you both +

 

[Litcrit]

I’ve been in your boyfriend’s shoes. And worse.

I was very much in love with another man for quite a while. I had to be honest about this with my then boyfriend, now husband. It made him sad, too, but over time it made us so much stronger. We’ve been together for 13 years now and I’m more in love with him now than I ever was. I always knew he was the one.

People get attracted to other people for different reasons. Sometimes these attractions point to our own psychological / emotional problems that we need to address on our own. The fact that he found another girl attractive doesn’t have to mean anything about you or even about your relationship.

The sadness you are feeling is certainly about something. Did you hope you two would be different and, because you were so in love, would never feel anything for anyone else? What is it that you’re grieving? It’s OK to grieve for that and talk it over with him.

I have to say that, while snooping isn’t necessarily a good thing, getting this out in the open sounds healthy. His relief at you knowing sounds like good news to me - he sounds like a truly honest, open guy.

All the best to you!

God has created lots of beautiful, attractive people.
I’m a married woman and I notice attractive men. For me, I deal with it by not trying to suppress the feeling. Then it is much easier to not dwell on it and just move on with life. For example, if I notice an attractive man, I could say to myself. * Stop! This is bad! You are a married woman! You are endangering your faithfulness to your husband by noticing this other man. … Why am I attracted to him, anyway? What does my attraction towards Mr. So-and-so say about my relationship with my husband? What does he have that my husband doesn’t… *
For me, this line of thinking just causes me to think about this other person a lot. Instead, I way to myself, wow, he’s nice-looking. or maybe *He has that personality trait that my husband doesn’t have. *
No matter who you end up marrying, chances are you will be attracted to other men at times. I think it’s a part of life that we just learn to live with. I do admire you and your boyfriend’s maturity in sincerely dealing with things as soon as they come up. That says a lot about your relationship. I agree with a pp that we are often insecure in the beginning of relationships. What you are feeling is natural. I hope you come back and give us an update on how things are going.

Great advice!

 

[ElisabethM]

Do not feel bad about “snooping”! Your boyfriend wanted you to see this which is why he “accidentally-on-purpose” left the e-mail for you to see, and admitted as much to you himself.

Be thankful for this opportunity to discuss this important matter now before you are married. But, also before you are committed to be married, both of you need to be careful to behave in mind and deed as free, single persons. While your boyfriend says, “You may the one,” no commitment has been made. He has no hold on you, and you none on him at this point. Be careful of the jealousy which is appropriate as his wife, but not as his girlfriend. He is a free agent, and so are you.

This would be a good time to explore the difference between physical attraction and true love. A good book for you both to read now, together perhaps, is “Three to Get Married” by Fulton Sheen. I’ve read nothing better on true marriage, and so much wish I’d read it in my 20s.

em

 

[SoDakTim]

You have only been dating for 2 1/2 months! You both need time to get to know each other better and let the relationship develop. It doesn’t matter that you have been best friends for a long time. The issue that you bring up is just one of many things that you both will need to experience, discuss, and work out. Together, and on your own. It takes time to do this right. Which I know is what you want. After several more months of dating and lots of prayer, you should know in your heart if this is God’s will for you.