Boyfriend's Attraction to Another Woman

[joshvanrad]

I would work on discerning why you felt the urge to delve into his private conversations.

He seems to be perfectly normal.

Joshua C.

 

[Lochias]

Do not feel bad about “snooping”! Your boyfriend wanted you to see this which is why he “accidentally-on-purpose” left the e-mail for you to see, and admitted as much to you himself.

Snooping’s still bad. Even if he did it on purpose, she shouldn’t have looked at his e-mail. It shows that the habit is one she’s willing to indulge in.

Don’t Snoop.

 

[billkifer]

So, what do I do with what I feel? This is very recent, too - it all just happened under an hour ago. We’re gonna talk more tonight. But I still feel sad, I don’t feel well. My parents had issues of infidelity during their marriage (which is now over), and I think it’s a soft spot for me. But my boyfriend couldn’t possibly be less like my dad…

As wonderful as you describe your boyfriend, it’s possible that the discovery you’re not the only woman he notices is attractive has produced a realization that he’s not the perfect person you thought he was.

Well, he was never perfect. It sounds, however, he’s taking a healthy approach to the issue, and that the two of you can discuss it openly should only solidify your relationship and help you grow together. St. Augustine said something about it’s not the first look that condemns, but the second, meaning as long as he controls his actions he has done nothing wrong. You have an excellent opportunity for open dialogue about what the Church teaches about marriage and why it’s important.

Continuing the dialogue will ease your fears and your relationship will grow because of it.

It’s normal to feel fear that you will suffer the same fate as your parents. But ask yourself this-- did your parents’ marriage fail because of open dialogue about attractions to others, or did one pursue infidelity and betrayal in secret?

 

[joshvanrad]

Snooping’s still bad. Even if he did it on purpose, she shouldn’t have looked at his e-mail. It shows that the habit is one she’s willing to indulge in.

Don’t Snoop.

Agreed.

Snooping in someone’s personal activities would suggest a lack of trust for one reason or another (tied to your parents’ lost relationship, a relationship which had hurt you in the past, etc). The lack of trust can drive a large wedge between two people, warranted or not.

The OP also seems to have a fear of not being good enough for him. Is that a possibility?

These are things that should be discerned within yourself. Left unchecked, they can lead to very unpleasant results. The key is to realize that we are to love each other through our faults and flaws because this is the way that God loves us and what Jesus has shown us. If your boyfriend is a faithful follower of God, he will love you regardless of his attraction to other women… and you should come to have faith in that.

Ite in pace,
Joshua C.

 

[chevalier]

The issue I’m struggling with right this second is this: I made the mistake of reading an email he wrote to his best friend (he left his email inbox open after leaving my appartment). In it, he confessed he found a woman at his work - the new social worker - attractive. He also mentioned that he loves me, and that he didn’t like finding this other woman attractive. That, even if his attraction to this other woman wasn’t a strong, deep, even mystical attraction like he feels for me, that he still wished he had eyes for me and me only.

Well, you get something better, you get him to make his choices and rise above nature.

His best friend had some really good things to say. He explained that this is normal, and talked about how what would be wrong would be to fantasize about a woman other than your girlfriend/spouse, and/or to act on that. Along with that, he had many things to say about him, our relationship, and about how this is an opportunity from God to learn how to deal with this kind of thing now, instead of 30 years into marriage.

Yup. Oh, and depending how far fantasies go, it can be wrong to fantasise about one’s spouse too. Generally if the goal of fantasising is to obtain sexual gratification, then fantasising is just simply gonna be wrong regardless of the object of it.

As soon as I read all this, I called him to apologize for invading his privacy and to let him know about what I’d read. We talked about this, and he even told me how he was relieved after reading the email his best friend sent in response because it put everything under a different light, and now he found himself acknowledging that this other woman is attractive but that “so what?” He’s not going to act on it, he loves me, he even mentioned in his email how he feels I could very well be the love of his life (and I feel the same way about him).

Emotions may need some time to settle down. They won’t get fixed over a single day or two. Longer spans are needed to discern the nature of relationships.

So, the thing is this: I know there’s nothing for me to worry about. I love him beyond words, he loves me more than anyone’s ever loved me before, and I would never ever doubt his faithfulness to me. His emailing his best friend about just being attracted to someone else and being uncomfortable with that even shows me how he truly loves and cares about me, to the point of not even liking feeling attracted to someone else.

Yeah, that shows a conscientious kind of fidelity and quite a level of awareness. I’m sure some people would just enjoy the moment.

To guys out there - is it really common to, in a mature relationship (not driven by infatuation), feel attracted to other women?

You can’t stop noticing people’s attractiveness and occasionally even feeling attracted, you do need to develop procedures for dealing with that, just as you need procedures to avoid acting on attraction to people who aren’t good for you (or approaching random strangers, not like that’s something immoral for someone not seeing anybody). I think this applies to women too, I don’t believe men are any different from women in this respect. We only find slightly different things attractive and experience our respective attraction in slightly different ways.

But I’m also sad… Part of me wishes I could feel attracted to another man to understand what he’s going through, to understand that even if there’s attraction, well, “so what?” So what?, if I’m actually already with the one and only I want to be with? I wish I could get rid of the sadness that I feel in my heart at this moment. I’m confident it will go away…but I’m just not feeling great right now.

Well, I’m a dude but I’ve been where you are. An ugly feeling, and you just need to get over it, just as long as the boyfriend has merit and the relationship has a future. At least he doesn’t need validation from flirting with others, which is what I’ve always found so distressing in my exes and could have beens when it surfaced.

 

[Zanalep]

You have an amazing boy friend… a very decent and trustworthy… no other attractions will take him away… you are a lucky girl… I was in your situation sometime back but he chose to stay with the other girl whom he found attractive maybe he got to see her more often than me as they were working together in the same office. Mine was a six years relationship… he said he loved me but wanted to marry the other girl… Never forget to pray…all the strength support and wisdom comes from above. God bless you girl !!!