Break up or marriage?

[milabox]

Hi,this is my first post, I will go straight to the point.
I need help to decide…
Almost for the past year I live in foreign, non catholic country, that is in Norway.
I am here with my boyfriend. He is the only close person to me in this country. Therefore, I need somebody from outside to evaluate my situation and give me advise if possible, please.
I am together with my boyfriend for years (13) with long breaks inbetween. I was always the one to initiate break ups. I am at that point again, BUT… For some reason I think he is my destiny. again but. theres very litle in common we have, we don’t share the same values in life or even dreams (I dont know if I have any, but thats another question). I want simple peacefull life , I am a practising catholic.And he wants a very rich life financially. He made it clear to me that he doesn’t like my way of thinking. My way of living. That is just going to work (making enough money by the way) 9 to 5 and have the rest of time to enjoy life (doing things I love, travel, gardening, resting, reading, cinema, concerts, spending time with kids, if we have one day, learning new languages, going to church every Sunday (I travel here 200 km in order to get to a catholic mass) and so on… I want for us to have a house, of course, but I want to take it easy, save and get it when we can. We could easily save now. But he is angry at me, because I don’t want to do business, saying that, I mean , he started business one year ago. The business idea is to get foreign people jobs in Norway. He gets angry at me if I disagree with him. He goes to work on top of that business, gets tired enough, And I noticed that the more he works the less money is in his bank account. He is grumpy and I feel no love at all. He keeps repeating, that he must earn a lot of money. I dont even know where he wants to spend it. Anyway I can’t talk for him, I am confused about his thinking and wanting. And he is quite unopen person, he doesn’t speak a lot… to be honest, I am not happy at all with him. I am happy when I am alone at home with our dog. He works away from home a lot of the time. I started making plans to go back from where I came, go back to Ireland. I don’t feel like doing something for this relationship to get better. On top of everything he wants to get married, very soon, Christmass day… On one hand I think maybe then things would get better, because maybe we would get Gods blessing, on the other I don’t think it is a wise thing to do, when we are so different and we get in a row, just wanting to watch different things on TV. And the worst thing is I can’t talk to him about our situation without being told that it’s all my thinking and I just imagine. Do I really??? I do miss Ireland, my family, my life before that, very very very much, true, but I came to stay with him willing to make life together and believing that it was Gods plan. But my willingness started to fade day by day as we started to know each other. I feel sorry for him, but I dont know if I feel love for him. I doubt myself a lot, and that stops me from making a decision. To marry or to break up again and for good. If I mention break up to him, he shows me the attitude of whatever. I think he might be angry at me as well,. for all those past break ups, but not sure. He wouldnt tell me… In my opinion it is so broken, and I take a lot of blame as well, but wanting to fix it got me to this point now. Please, say what you think, and ask questions if more information is needed, in order to give an opinion and perhaps advise.
thank you for taking time to read.

 

[mountee]

Honestly, if you were to sit and re-read what you have written I would think you would see what you need to do without any advice from others. I will pray for you to be able to have the wisdom necessary to choose the path that God would have you follow.

 

[Dorothy]

“milabox”,

There are many red flags in your post. If you are not happy with this man with the different values, then you will be totally miserable if you make the mistake of marrying him.

Change is difficult, but the Lord will help you with His grace.

Feeling sorry for someone is not love. In fact, break up with him and then he will have to make choices, and hopefully he will make choices for the good. He has a lot of maturing to do.

The Lord has created us to draw closer to Him so that we can be with Him forever. Let this be your goal.

 

[JRKH]

I agree with Mountee…Re-read your post carefully and prayerfully. That alone should give you your answer…
As Dorothy says…there are many “red flags” in what you have written.

From what I can see - you have virtually nothing in common…So why are you still together?? What is the attraction??

You say that you have been together off and on for 13 years and that you generally initiate the separations. Who initiates the getting back together?

You are lonely - why don’t you go home to Ireland??

He obviously has little respect for you and this leads me to think that he is domineering.

Lastly - do not think of marriage and “God’s blessing” as some sort of talisman that will make things better. The time to seek God’s blessing on a union is before the wedding…

Sorry can’t be more help.

Peace
James

 

[ValPal]

I am together with my boyfriend for years (13) with long breaks inbetween. I was always the one to initiate break ups. I am at that point again, BUT… For some reason I think he is my destiny. again but. theres very litle in common we have, we don’t share the same values in life or even dreams (I dont know if I have any, but thats another question). I want simple peacefull life , I am a practising catholic.And he wants a very rich life financially. He made it clear to me that he doesn’t like my way of thinking. My way of living.

The way I’m reading this is that you have nothing in common, including core values. The obvious question is what would you be building your marriage on?

Later on in the post you discuss communication issues. Lack of communication is the fast track of destroying a relationship and/or marriage.

On top of everything he wants to get married, very soon, Christmass day… On one hand I think maybe then things would get better,

It is doubtful as a Catholic you would be able to get married that quick due to required marriage prep. And that would be assuming your boyfriend is Catholic in the first place, otherwise a dispensation(s) will be required. Furthermore, if you are honest about you relationship with the priest all the red flags being raised will cause the time for your marriage to occur to take more, not less, time.

Lastly, marriage will solve none of your problems; they will be magnified greatly.

I’m not going to tell someone over the Internet to get married or not, but not only would I not marry someone under the circumstances given, I would not be in such a relationship once these details revealed themselves. I suggest you seriously reflect upon your situation, and may God help you make the proper decision.

 

[milabox]

Thank you all. Always he initiates the getting back together. I will pray about this matter more. it’s so hard this time…

 

[JRKH]

Thank you all. Always he initiates the getting back together. I will pray about this matter more. it’s so hard this time…

So you break it off and he “chases you” (probably promising change) until you give in…That is what it sounds like…

This is not a good match and you would be better off to end it now, and permanently and move home where you can be happy and find God’s choice for you.

Peace
James

 

[TrixieMcGee]

I think you know what the right thing to do is, it is just hard to do. I know the long term relationship I was in before my husband was hard to give up and I kept debating whether we should break up or get married. I am so glad that I didn’t end up marrying that man, I would be so miserable now. I am now happily married to another man that I am much more compatible with.

You don’t sound at all compatible with this man and you guys probably won’t be able to agree on many of the important issues that will come up in your future. I would say just go home, get reconnected with family and friends there and move on. I know it is hard, but it is for the best.

 

[milabox]

James, it’s not exactly like that. We met when we were 17. He was very much into me, loved me very much. And every time I was going back to him wasn’ t because he promised me something, was because I believed and felt he loved me. He said he cried many nights because of me. I was breaking up not because of him , it was my own hunger for life, big cities, new people and strangely love… I felt stuck with him, sadly. He didn’t want to move forward in a way, so I did it on my own. I studied away from our hometown, we were seeing each other very seldom. It went on for 4 years until first separation, when I didn’t return to live in our hometown, where he lived at the time. It was hard break up, he used to ring me crying and saying he didn’t want to live. I wasn’t harsh or anything, listened but never went back to him because he was suffering. So I continued living my life, having boyfriends and to be honest always taking them quite seriously. We both emigrated to Ireland ( my family lived there before, that’s why its my home, they still live there). First 2 years we weren’t together, I wasn’t interested, was trying to escape him, he was still there for me. I had ofcourse disappointments and heartbreaks. It’s normal. So I got back with him. It only lasted 6 months, I couldn’t explain why I couldn’t be with him. Now I think was those unspoken differences between us. Broke it off, in fact feeling guilty. Then I met an Irish guy. So my life divides until I met him and after. I seriously felt something for him and he didn’t… So the thinking started, i cried many nights because of him. That made me realize what my boyfriend felt, if that was it. It changed me so so much. I drew to God through that sadness, and eventually became happy, life was full of joy just believing God, I had those memories of my bf loving me. And seriously, thought it happened because I must be with my bf. that time he was already living in Norway and seemed doing well. He came to Ireland to visit me and I remember thinking to myself, no we are not getting back together. And that same time we did. I though I surrendered to Gods will and didnt do anything for it to happen. And with the tears in my eyes but with hope I moved to Norway. I cried because I had to leave my family, friends, country and life I loved. But I was willing. So it was a big surprise for me to get to know my boyfriend being so. He changed big time, so did I . Maybe it was too late, he moved on, and stopped loving me. If I knew that he is going to be happy when we break up, I would do it now.

 

[acadiANNA]

If you marry this man, you will bring children into a toxic environment. Your children will be exposed to indifference. They will not be well adjusted. God wants you to be happy. God made you to be happy. There are too many differences for compatibility on many levels…business, Catholic beliefs of life. You cannot live divided. He is clearly after his own agenda. I see no regard for you. Yes, the poster is right. If you read what you have written, or if you would have read it written by someone else in this situation, what would you really advise them to do? Changes are not easy, but you need to run. Run to your family in Ireland. They love you. You will meet someone who is more suitable for marriage, who will care about you. Your life is worth more than to settle for less. He may promise to change to win you back. Do not fall for that. Change may be for a week until he is sure you will stay but soon you will be back in the same situation. Do not waste any more time on this man. He will move on and you will have to let him. Don’t entertain him on phone calls, letters. Just let him go. You deserve peace and real happiness. I will pray for you, that you will find strength in our Lord, Jesus, and let Him heal your emotions and be with you as you start anew.

 

[JRKH]

Milabox…
Thanks for the additional background.

It sounds to me like neither one of you are ready for marriage - at least not to each other. Nowhere in either your initial post or your follow-up do I sense a real “marital” - spousal - love.

If you look at your relationship…as it stands right now would you want to spend the rest of your life with this person?

Peace
James

 

[TrixieMcGee]

If I knew that he is going to be happy when we break up, I would do it now.

If you are saying what you are saying above I think the answer is clear.

So it sounds from your last post the only reason you are staying with your bf is that you don’t want to hurt him. That is not a good reason and certainly NOT a reason to marry the guy. Clearly he is not the right one for you. The fact that you have broken up with him multiple times seems to be a red flag and shows that you really deep down don’t want to be with him. Why would you make a life-time commitment who you would break up with if you knew it wouldn’t hurt him? Doesn’t make any sense. This is an emotionally complex issue, but not a logically complex one.

 

[Catholic1954]

You have not given one good reason to spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE with this guy. If you marry him, things between you will only get worse; you are happier now spending your time alone, with the dog, than with him; marriage will not and can not change that. I have known several young ladies who wasted 9, 12, 15 years and more with the wrong guy and woke up one day to find themeslves on the left side of 40, alone and stuck in nowhere jobs. For both your sakes, end it the relationship with your boyfriend now, and then pack up your belongings and go back to your friends and family in Ireland. They love you and will support you in the difficult days to come.

 

[milabox]

Thank you very much for your replies. I am lying here on the sofa, looking at him and not knowing. One thing for sure, not ready to marry or break up. Praying, believing and waiting. Absolutely lost.

 

[JRKH]

Thank you very much for your replies. I am lying here on the sofa, looking at him and not knowing. One thing for sure, not ready to marry or break up. Praying, believing and waiting. Absolutely lost.

May God guide you…

Peace
James

 

[TrixieMcGee]

Honestly I don’t understand why you are staying with this guy. If the relationship isn’t going to go anywhere, which I think it is clear that it is not or shouldn’t go anywhere, why stay with him. Prolonging the inevitable won’t make things any easier for you or him. If you don’t know by 13 years in if you guys should get married or not, then chances are you guys shouldn’t be together. You are only wasting your time and his. Think about it this way you are spending your time in a country where all you have is him (and you want to break up, but are choosing not to, so you don’t hurt him, when you are just postponing the inevitable) instead moving back home to be surrounded by family who you love and moving on with your life. Doesn’t make sense to me.

 

[Nils]

I am Scandinavian my self and I know the mentality! Personally I have decided never to marry a secularized person from here. Our culture is a culture of death in so many ways!

If you love God, you will not want any possible children to be raised into the values of this society. Personally I would even consider moving in case I was ever given any. Financially this is a very secure place, but that is about it!

I will say a couple of prayers for you!

 

[PennyinCanada]

From what you wrote, your own words, no one reading them would stay in this relationship. You already know what to do.

God designed sexuality to be a ‘superglue’ within marriage. That is why He asked that sexual intimacy be within the vows of marriage. When a couple ignores this and lives together like they are married, it makes it hard to think straight. Dating, courtship, is a time of discernment, really looking at the other person in a sober way, praying for guidance. As soon as a couple become intimate, it skews the whole process. It makes it very difficult to ‘drop the losers’ and stay strong to move on and trust that God has something better. It’s easy to settle into something that is easy at the time. There are women who have moved in with their guy (or other way around) and found some years down the road that it was a really bad match. They wonder what they were thinking! But by then there are children and it’s a terrible situation of divorce and separation. I think you are in that boat.

There have been so many people, when they are sick and in their last days, that think it was worth the extra hours they put in at work. No. Their joy and their comfort are their children. Their family. Living with a Godless man, in a Godless country, it’s hard to imagine that children and married life are greater than the pursuit of money.

Are you strong enough to call it quits and go home? You are. Wake yourself up. Give yourself a shake! It’s time to start new!

God bless.

 

[Dorothy]

The longer you wait to break up with him because you fear you may hurt him, the more difficult it will be.

I know someone who had a boyfriend for two years before she realized she should not fear breaking up with him.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thank you very much for your replies. I am lying here on the sofa, looking at him and not knowing. One thing for sure, not ready to marry or break up. Praying, believing and waiting. Absolutely lost.

You may as well already be married. Not in the eyes of the Church, of course. But your bodies and minds have been united for 13 years, and the hormones that are created during sexual intercourse have glued you together, so it’s going to be difficult to split up for good. But you see that you are not even compatible and neither of you are projects to be fixed by the other person. So whatever he is now, he is. And whatever you are now, you are. And you literally do not even share the same values.

Prayers for you. Your life is being used up as you go through this.