Breakup Issue

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elelch

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I don’t where this thread would be most suitable, but I decided to put it in the “Family Life” section.

I have been in a relationship with a girl, Catholic, for a about a month now.
Everything has been working really well. There have been some disputes where we almost broke up. But, I was able to work it out with her every time. She is a very faithful and sweet girl, she tells me to live by the moral teachings of the church. Previously, I have made a promise with her that I would conquer the sin of masturbation. Together with prayer and her guidance, I thought it would be manageable. If I had failed to do so, succumb to sin in any way, I would tell her.

Unfortunately, I fell back to the same path of sin again. I was devastated. I tried so hard to live God’s will but I am weak on my own. On the same day that I failed, she asked me if I had masturbated. I blatantly told her “yes.” She was disappointed. She said she lost all hope in me. She said I broke her promise. I still failed even though I prayed the rosary to overcome this sin. I tried explaining, but it didn’t work. She had such high hopes for me, she really thought I could change. It turns out that failed her again.

I told her I have fallen down on this road, but I will get back up again to continue. I will conquer this sin one day. She didn’t want to hear me. I seriously don’t know what to do. She wants to break up. I really love this girl so much for leading me on the right path. I feel so hopeless, frustrated, and miserable. How can she give me up just like this? If she really loves me, why can’t she hold me back up to continue walking this road to holiness? Why is it that she can’t accept me?

I pray to God everyday for His intercession. What can I do? I really want her back by my side.
 
If she (or you) expects the masturbation habit to be broken in a mere month, she is gravely mistaken.

A lot of times women start dating a guy thinking they can “fix” him. Though there are usually good intentions behind it, I find it a bit insulting. Guys are looking for girlfriends, not doctors. It will make the relationship dynamic unequal.

You obviously know your situation better than anyone here, so don’t let us make a decision for you. It’s excellent that you have found a girl who wants to implement the Church in your relationship. But if she doesn’t have the patience - or the love - to support you through what will likely be a long-term struggle, then she is probably not the one for you.

I would talk to her about it.
 
Rereading your post, if she can’t stand being in a relationship with someone who has faults or vices that they battle, then she probably isn’t ready for a relationship yet.
 
Being a guy, I struggle with this as well. Of all the things in life, I think this is one of the top 3 things for a guy to conquer (the other two being pride and caffeine :D). I too have gone times of being strong and being able to overcome the temptations, but, like you, have failed in my own weakness. Though we both know this is a mortal sin (I do not wish to downplay the seriousness of the sin), but I do think that your girlfriend is not being supportive enough.

If you were of the mindset that “yeah, I masturbated, so what? Get over it”, then I’d say she has every right to be offended and break up with you if she wanted. But I think she is failing to see that you are truly sorry for what you have done and are making the strongest effort to overcome this sin, which takes time (and in many cases many attempts). I think she needs to see that this has hurt not JUST her, but you as well. You sound very sorrowful in you OP, and I think she is failing to see that. She needs to understand that she has sins that she needs to overcome as well (perhaps judgement?) and that, whether or not they are as grave as this, they still separate her from God. We are all human, some with more serious hangups than others. But, in my opinion, while she does have the right to be offended, I do not think she has the right to keep you down when you are trying (and asking for her help) to get back up.

When Peter denied Jesus 3 times, Jesus didn’t say “I have no more hope for you, Peter”, did He? No, He yanked him right back up by asking him 3 times if he loved Him. I think your girlfriend, if she truly wants to have a good relationship, should be willing to help you overcome this sin. She should help you continue to pray, maybe do a fast, figure out what the trigger was that got you to sin in the first place. Or better yet, what got you in the position to be tempted. Either way, I don’t think she should be so quick as to shove you aside because you made a mistake. Forgiveness and charity…this is what Christ requires of us. She should have just a tad more.
 
I agree 100% with the other posters. Your girlfriend seems to intend well but she must be very naive and impatient if she thinks you can kick this habit cold turkey. Maybe try talking to her with analogies. It’s like being addicted to drugs or alcohol–it can definitely be conquered but it takes time, patience, and some failure along the way. I personally have never been involved with any man who doesn’t struggle with this sin. And my support and prayer went much further in helping them than making threats and getting upset.

If she does end up breaking up with you, just remember it’s a huge victory in itself that you are committed to conquering this grave sin in your life and God will reward your faithfulness.
 
To me it sounds like she is being too hard on you.

You were brave and trusted and loved her enough to be honest with her.

she needs to learn how to value your honesty for you could have simply told her what she wanted to hear. Well done for saying the trueth by the way for that will have taken courage.

I would suggest you look a little deeper into your relationship because if she is going to be dissappointed in you, every time you fail - is that really going to help you? If she has set the demand then she has to be able to be there for you in helping you meet the demand.

For me, I think she has set far too high a demand of you anyway. Its unrealistic expectation. Masterbation is considered a sin yes, whilst it dont make it right I think it is one that just about everyone who regards it as a sin has broken it. Its considered a sin to help one learn self control. That does not happen over night but a life time.

I think you need to take a closer look at your relationship to assess how she actually regards you or are you just some kind of play thing for her because you seem to be a good catholic boy? Her demand is very unrealistic and it sounds like you may well have had a lucky break because you have gotten away from her controlling nature…? Painful for all that if you loved her
 
The nature of sin is that it is tempting enough to cause us to fall. If she expects perfection, she is being unrealistic. One month is too soon to declare that you have broken a bad habit for good. Not that I’m saying it’s fine to fall into this sin because it’s “only been a month,” but you fell, and you are determined to get back up again. Get to confession, work on practical things you can do to avoid the temptation, etc…

It is unfortunate that she gave you the impression that she would help you be accountable. Sounds like false advertising. Not that she doesn’t have the right to say that she doesn’t want to date a person who is struggling with this sin, but what did she think the point of you telling her would be? I think that she has made a mistake, either in promising you understanding that she wasn’t capable of giving, or in judging you so quickly despite your honesty and contrition.

Also, one month is a very short time to be dating. Unless you were already very good friends before you started dating, it would surprise me if you could truly say that you and she were in love. More likely, you and she are in the infatuation/honey moon stage of the relationship. It simply takes longer for the vast majority of people to learn enough about the other person and to experience the relationship to judge whether or not you LOVE each other. The younger you are, the more likely you will need more time to make this judgment. Furthermore, if you have already had several serious disputes (enough to threaten the relationship) in only a month of dating, I would take that as a sign that you are likely not compatible for the long term. Whatever comes out after only a couple of days and weeks after dating and is not going to be nearly as hard to deal with as the difficulties you deal with when you’ve been married 5 years and have children.

Perhaps this relationship wasn’t meant to be long term. You can be thankful for her initial help at motivating you to conquer your vice and to be a better Catholic, but it may be that it has run it’s course. Now it’s up to you to work on being a better Catholic and conquering sin on your own - well, not on your own but with the help of God’s grace, not a girlfriend. Breakups are hard, and I’m sorry for your suffering.
 
While reading your post all I could think about was how impatient this girl is and she is not ready for a relationship and/or she doesn’t love you. It’s sad that she didn’t take into account that you are at least working on ridding yourself of the sin.

I am a woman who has been married for 15 years. Let me tell you…my husband has been so patient with me as I have worked on certain issues. Working on issues and being there for eachother through the good along with the bad is a part of marriage and what makes a couple close.

I say, let this girl go. She has some maturing to do.
 
It is not up to anyone else to help you break the sin of masturbation. If you are doing this for HER, then your motivation is not going to carry through when it’s just you and the computer alone.

If you want this, YOU have to take the responsibility for yourself, knowing that if you continue, you will NEVER have a close, loving relationship with a woman in the future. I am assuming that you use porn to masturbate since for men, the two seem to go together. Porn and masturbation will ruin your life. Many, many men are trying to get free of their addiction and it’s difficult.

Even if you aren’t using porn, masturbation is a grave sin. Our sexuality is not made for self-pleasure, but for uniting us with our husband or wife and for creating children.

Do you want to stop, for yourself? For your own reasons? If so, then start finding someone to be accountable to, someone with the same problem, NOT a girlfriend or any friend. That person may become a friend but does not have to be a friend now. There are several groups on this forum for males who are struggling with this problem. Join one and take the next right step.

Forget about this girl. It’s not her problem to deal with, it’s yours and yours alone.
 
Thanks for all the comments.

I tried speaking to her today via online today. But I had to leave as I was preoccupied with something. I am waiting for her return tonight. She seems like she thought some things through. She said she realized that I am only human, I don’t have superpowers to things like these. I asked her if she was still willing to walk this road with me, but then before I could see her reply, I had to leave.

As I am waiting for her to come back to continue our conversation, what exactly should I say to her? I know she has fault as well, but I don’t want to blame her for anything. After all, I wronged as well. She’s also partly disappointed because she thinks had she not asked me if I had sinned again, I would not have told her about it.

What should I say to her?
 
It is not appropriate to talk to her about such a subject. You need to maintain modesty in your speech, both of you.

The person you tell your sins to is the priest.
 
One month and you’re confessing your sins to her? One month and she expects you to?

Everything about this is wrong.

Go to confession. Talk to a priest. Ask for help with the sin of masterbation. Ask for guidance in obtaining more ordered relationships.
 
1ke said:
It is not appropriate to talk to her about such a subject. You need to maintain modesty in your speech, both of you.

The person you tell your sins to is the priest.
Click to expand...
Agree completely with this. As I told you earlier, this is YOUR battle, not hers, keep your sins for the confessional and stay chaste. Change the subject and tell her this is not a topic between the two of you. Stop connecting your fight against masturbating to this girl.
 
elelch said:
I don’t where this thread would be most suitable, but I decided to put it in the “Family Life” section.

I have been in a relationship with a girl, Catholic, for a about a month now.
Everything has been working really well. There have been some disputes where we almost broke up. But, I was able to work it out with her every time. She is a very faithful and sweet girl, she tells me to live by the moral teachings of the church. Previously, I have made a promise with her that I would conquer the sin of masturbation. Together with prayer and her guidance, I thought it would be manageable. If I had failed to do so, succumb to sin in any way, I would tell her.

Unfortunately, I fell back to the same path of sin again. I was devastated. I tried so hard to live God’s will but I am weak on my own. On the same day that I failed, she asked me if I had masturbated. I blatantly told her “yes.” She was disappointed. She said she lost all hope in me. She said I broke her promise. I still failed even though I prayed the rosary to overcome this sin. I tried explaining, but it didn’t work. She had such high hopes for me, she really thought I could change. It turns out that failed her again.

I told her I have fallen down on this road, but I will get back up again to continue. I will conquer this sin one day. She didn’t want to hear me. I seriously don’t know what to do. She wants to break up. I really love this girl so much for leading me on the right path. I feel so hopeless, frustrated, and miserable. How can she give me up just like this? If she really loves me, why can’t she hold me back up to continue walking this road to holiness? Why is it that she can’t accept me?

I pray to God everyday for His intercession. What can I do? I really want her back by my side.
Click to expand...
I can tell you that this addiction can be very serious. What’s she expecting would be like saying, “If you loved me you wouldn’t do this”, that’s not the issue. The issue is addiction. It took me over a year to get 2 1/2 months of purity. I bought a ring that I wear that says “Pure Before God” and I relapsed at the 3 month mark. There are many reasons why people get addicted…their addictive nature, abuse in their past, and there is a chemical that is secreted into the brain that actually makes you crave more. Addiction is not a moral failing, it’s a dependency. Have you talked to your priest. I have a Confessor that knows all about my struggles and I can be open and honest. I also have 2 trusted parishioner/friends I can take aside and say, “I’m feeling temptations about my addiction today. Will you pray with me?” and so I have accountability. Whether or not it is a mortal sin for an addict is how much free will and full consent we have. There are times I do have full consent and I know it. There are other times I am in the grip of something I cannot control. I confess either way, I’m not the priest so I don’t try to rationalize. I tell him what happened and pick myself up and go on.

You might not like this, but loving someone does not always mean they are “the one for you” and the pressure you are under will only increase your addiction behavior (stress release is a trigger for relapse). The more you death grip chastity, the more it will elude you. Ask the Blessed Mother for her gift of chastity. I hang a rosary on a hook beside my bed. I limit the places where I can slip…no reading in bed, etc. I also have to interrupt thoughts and distract myself. It takes time but it can be done. Prayer, Adoration, DeMonfort Total Consecration to Mary, Daily Mass, and the Rosary all help me. I have a standing appt with my Confessor every Monday morning and I use it if I need to, if I don’t need Confession I let him know and I just head off to work. It’s funny he will go in the back and remove his vestments and come out and look my way. I shake my head no or yes and confess if I need to.

When I told him of my recent relapse he said, "Remember when you bounced in and out of here 4-5 times a week (and I did)? It’s a miracle to get almost 3 months. Get back up and keep going and do NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP. " What you’re doing in pressuring yourself is actually bad in that it keeps your total attention and focus on the addiction and the fear of failure/loss. That’s a bad set up.

Doing it for her will never work. Do it because it’s right in God’s eyes, focus on HIM, and the woman who will understand, support you, and love you will be there when it’s time. She may even be the right one, now just might not be the right time. I will pray for you. (Yes I really will)–Blessings and DON’T GIVE UP. 👍
 
Ok I just got back to her. It seems she wants to continue with me.

Are there any things I should be aware of?
Or be careful of in the future?
 
elelch said:
Ok I just got back to her. It seems she wants to continue with me.

Are there any things I should be aware of?
Or be careful of in the future?
Click to expand...
You’re not paying any attention at all, are you?

🤷
 
1ke said:
It is not appropriate to talk to her about such a subject. You need to maintain modesty in your speech, both of you.

The person you tell your sins to is the priest.
Click to expand...
I tend to agree. I also believe that the guidance you seek should be from the priest in confession, not from that girl. You can’t really be in a relationship with someone who’s giving you guidance.
 
elelch said:
Ok I just got back to her. It seems she wants to continue with me.

Are there any things I should be aware of?
Or be careful of in the future?
Click to expand...
If she asks you again you can friendly tell her in your own words that its actually none of her business because in reality it hasn’t. That the matter is private between you and God and add your priest if she isn’t happy with the first. She does’t own you.

Be careful that she does’nt try to control you in other ways and get her to earn your trust and honesty because she hasn’t valued it up to now.
 
elelch said:
Ok I just got back to her. It seems she wants to continue with me.

Are there any things I should be aware of?
Click to expand...
Yes.
Matthew 7:3
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?
Click to expand...
She should focus on herself and her relationship with God. She has no right to judge you. You are not perfect and neither is she.

She has no business asking you what she has no right to know. Your sins are between you and God, and you are to confess them to your priest.

Confessing your sins to other people may cause them to become prideful and complacent about their own shortcomings.
 
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