Brother and Sister in Law Issues

[TallyGirl]

I grew up Catholic with only one sibling, an older brother. My brother is an atheist now as is his wife. My sister in law has been particularly mean to my Mom telling her she hates Catholicism. Both my brother and his wife support abortion. I am married with 5 children. My brother opted out of playing an active “Uncle” role with my oldest 4 children. It even got to the point where my kids would often ask if their aunt and uncle still lived in the same town as us. They did. We usually saw them only at Christmas and Easter (which was ironic as they don’t celebrate those holidays). When my youngest son was born my brother voiced that he wanted to be more involved in his nephew’s life (Perhaps because he now had a 4 yr old daughter of his own). In the fall my sister in law sent some books to my daughters (ages 15 & 19) recommending one particular book as “really good”. My 15 yr old read it. On Friday she told me it involved 5 women and their lives. One of the characters was a teenager who has an abortion. This is portrayed as emotional/sad for the character but there is no morality attached to her decision. My daughter has already been arguing that abortion isn’t wrong and that an unborn child is “just tissue”. Needless to say we already have an issue getting our child to see the value of an unborn child. I reached out to my brother to ask him if he knew that abortion was portrayed in the book he gave our daughter. He said no. My sister in law told me that she didn’t realize I felt so strongly about the topic and that she was sorry. She told me she doesn’t usually run books past parents before she suggests them and if that was true case she would rather not give books at all to her nieces and nephews. My husband thought it wasn’t even worth talking with them about. My parents feel that I should just not accept gifts from them. I don’t want a relationship with my brother at all. Am I wrong?

 

[MNathaniel]

I’d second this. Absolutely no more books from them (or any kind of subscription service, etc, to any kind of media or platform that may contain content you haven’t vetted or cannot vet in advance).

For whatever reason, your brother and sister-in-law do not take your beliefs seriously, nor believe it’s objectively a ‘big deal’ if your kids come to believe something different. (In fact, they seemingly think, at least subconsciously, that it would be good if your children came to believe something different from you, since your brother and sister-in-law believe something different from you. Especially considering differences of belief include a topic so life-and-death serious (and politically impassioned and divisive) as the ‘abortion’ question. It’s rare that someone who thinks they’re ‘right’ on this doesn’t think it’s very important for others to think they’re right on this, too (especially the next generation).)

This dynamic does matter, and it’s good for you to be attentive to it.

My husband thought it wasn’t even worth talking with them about.

Not worth talking about… because he thinks you should so obviously just cut off contact with them entirely?

Or not worth talking about… because your husband doesn’t think it’s a “big deal” that your pro-abortion sister-in-law gave your 15 year old daughter an abortion-sympathetic book (I’m assuming here that the book’s content really was problematic; without knowing the book in question myself, I can’t speak to that), when your daughter is already influenced by the world to believe that unborn children are “just tissue” and abortion “isn’t wrong” …?

Or is your husband’s position that this would be an issue if the book was worse, but he thinks the book was sufficiently neutral on the topic that it shouldn’t cause an additional wedge in the family relationships?

 

[Lou2U]

I actually think you’re being a little harsh. Yes, he and his wife should have considered whether or not the books were appropriate and/or run them past you first, but you have received an apology for that. If your SIL didn’t realise how strongly against abortion you are, I would assume there was no malice or attempt to undermine your beliefs to your children.

It seems as though he now recognises and appreciates the importance of being close to family. It’s a shame it didn’t happen earlier. I suggest you sit down with them and talk to them about what you consider appropriate for your children.

 

[1ke]

if that was true case she would rather not give books at all to her nieces and nephews

“Great, then we are on the same page. No books for my kids.”

In the fall my sister in law sent some books to my daughters (ages 15 & 19) recommending one particular book as “really good”.

I’m curious why you didn’t screen them first when she sent them, at least for the 15 year old, or ask your SIL to give you the titles so you could research them (knowing that she is an atheist and all). The 19 year old, that would be a little overbearing to do.

I don’t want a relationship with my brother at all. Am I wrong?

Not necessarily. If they’ve been mean and unsupportive, and now suddenly want a relationship with your kids that includes giving them materials that are antithetical to the faith, I see no reason to humor them.

 

[F_Marturana]

I’m curious why you didn’t screen the book for the younger daughter?

If you’re worried about improper influence on your child, then perhaps this is something you do before they read the book.

As Catholics though, we should be able to read about people doing bad things and understanding that they are bad. At 15 perhaps your daughter might be too young.

 

[TallyGirl]

My husband believes we should have cut off all contact a long time ago. We both agree they aren’t the best influence on our children. But since my brother has been estranged from us and now seems to want a relationship I have tried. It causes me a lot of grief that he has rejected God and now supports many things like abortion that we think are detestable.

 

[TallyGirl]

I read each synopsis of the books on amazon but did not read each book. I’m regretting that now.

 

[TallyGirl]

It’s difficult to find the words to say “I love you but don’t want you near me”. I’m working on how to tell my brother though.

 

[Buks]

For me a key factor would be whether the book was responsible for your daughters unfortunate opinion about abortion. If it wasn’t the book then I’d be less likely to sever ties. It sounds like the SIL may have been aware of the amorality in the book, but it’s not clear.

Some people don’t have a clue in specific areas. If the years of atheism made them clueless but not hostile toward Christian morality, that could be considered. Especially if all your children are well grounded in the faith and not impressionable as regards their uncle and aunt.

 

[Mrchatsworth]

Why would you want a relationship with someone who despises your faith (the biggest part of you) and advocates murdering children and wants to further corrupt your 15 year old into evil? It would seem you are trying to salvage something you wish was real. It isn’t.

 

[TallyGirl]

No, I wouldn’t want a relationship with someone like that. I think one of the biggest issues has been my parents feeling that I am being the difficult one by it being more welcoming to my brother. My parents detest my brother’s beliefs but love him. My Mom tells me she will “pray for me” and my Dad tells me “he will always be your brother” and all I can think is that I need to get away from this person.

 

[TallyGirl]

My SIL is extremely hostile to Christianity and Catholicism in particular. She hasn’t said this to me but to my Mom. My daughter isn’t well grounded in the faith and had developed these beliefs before she read the book.

 

[Mrchatsworth]

He will always be your brother. From far away. You can pray for him and still love him. While keeping him far away from yourself and those you wish to protect from his views and actions.

 

[Mrchatsworth]

Why isn’t your daughter grounded in the faith? This is concerning!

 

[TallyGirl]

Me. I raised her in the Jewish faith and taught her to love God and respect all life from birth to natural death. I only recently returned to the church. My daughter at 13 rejected God and religion as unnecessary. That has been a huge issue for me and a difficult one.

 

[27lw]

I have similar book / in-law issues. I basically take any books they send us right to half-price books.
I love to imagine what would happen if we sent Catholic books to their kids. Hah!
Just so you know, you can sometimes get helpful info from commonsensemedia.org.

I also basically assume that 90% of teen /YA books published currently are going to have problematic content. FWIW

 

[Irishmom2]

You know, lots of people have superficial relationships with their family. Some people see each other once or twice a year and can be cordial and charming to each other. If the ground rules are set, I see no reason why you would need to be so all or nothing with your brother and his family.

 

[Irishmom2]

Well then it sounds like your daughter has more influences and her own way of thinking going on. I am not sure your brother and his wife are only to blame.

 

[Mrchatsworth]

I can’t imagine the power a 13 year old would have to reject God and all religion. On what knowledgeable basis would a 13 year old make such a claim? It should be your job to steer and form her faith, but also her evolving wisdom. All the more reason to keep bad influences like your brother away. Or at least use it to open dialogue. You could start by reading the book, and refuting the secular death culture messages in it by discussing it with her, asking questions and helping to form her faith. At 17 she is in need of solid grounded, stable faith.

 

[MNathaniel]

My husband believes we should have cut off all contact a long time ago. We both agree they aren’t the best influence on our children. But since my brother has been estranged from us and now seems to want a relationship I have tried. It causes me a lot of grief that he has rejected God and now supports many things like abortion that we think are detestable.

I’m sorry to hear about the difficult situation. I can partway sympathize (though without the added difficulty of raising children); I’m the only Catholic in my family and with the exception of one sibling, my family is vocally (and enthusiastically) pro-abortion. Among other things.

It’s exhausted and painful to be surrounded by a whole family pushing that sort of thing, when I visit on holidays etc. I’m not sure whether marriage and children are in the cards for me, but I’ve thought seriously about how if so, I’d have to be so vigilant to ensure the grandparents (etc) aren’t overtly or subtly undermining a Catholic upbringing.

I ask Mary to pray for you and your husband and daughters, that you may be protected from any dangers around you, and especially that God will illumine your daughter’s heart with the understanding of the value of human life from conception to natural death. May God bless you and your family as you navigate your way through this, sister.