Brother and Sister in Law Issues

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Mrchatsworth said:
I can’t imagine the power a 13 year old would have to reject God and all religion. On what knowledgeable basis would a 13 year old make such a claim? It should be your job to steer and form her faith, but also her evolving wisdom. All the more reason to keep bad influences like your brother away. Or at least use it to open dialogue. You could start by reading the book, and refuting the secular death culture messages in it by discussing it with her, asking questions and helping to form her faith. At 17 she is in need of solid grounded, stable faith.
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There are some good suggestions in here, but just to add a reminder of mercy about the tone: Let’s not make it sound like the mother isn’t doing her “job”, here . Kids do have their own interior lives and can go off on some real unexpected angles. When I was 12 I started a wild lifelong spiritual journey of my own. I don’t think it’s unusual for kids to start their spiritual journey around this age.

In my case, I had no exposure to good Catholic teaching so it wasn’t until many years later that my journey brought me into the Catholic Church (one of my only regrets in life is that I didn’t become Catholic sooner, but I honestly don’t think I could have. It just wasn’t a known option; there were no Catholics telling me about Catholicism). In this case, since the daughter has the blessing of living in a Catholic home a while longer (even if she doesn’t appreciate the blessing yet, at her age), I agree with the idea of keeping dialogue open with the daughter – and especially helping connect her to high quality Catholic resources where she can go down the rabbit holes she may need to, on whatever topics she’s struggling with.

To @TallyGirl: Catholic Answers youtube videos are great resources. Maybe ask her a question like: “What do you think is the strongest argument against God?” then find her a solid CA video that provides an answer to this argument. Maybe she’ll be intrigued enough to click around and watch more videos. Or if she likes to read (sounds like she does!) maybe a readable apologetics book like CA’s Trent Horn’s: ‘Why We’re Catholic’? This book is super friendly and straightforward, and starts off with basics like ‘Why Believe in God?’ before moving on to ‘Why Be Catholic?’ specifically. And you could present it to your daughter as part of a conversation where you ask her more about her beliefs right now (and really listen) before reminding her that it’s a two-way street (an example Trent uses at the beginning of his book) and offering her this book as a gift so she can see, maybe for the first time in a way that’s clearly laid out from her perspective, ‘why’ her family is Catholic.

At the very least, she’ll know that there are intelligent answers to her questions (and where to find more), even if she’s not ‘accepting’ the answers right now. Father Mike Schmitz is another fantastic YouTube presence, very youth friendly and accessible. Bishop Barron might have a video or two suited to your daughter’s need?
 
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And in the meantime, try not to lose your temper, and try to stay gentle, helpful, and a solid example of Catholic witness with your daughter (let her see through your actions how your faith forms you and changes the way you treat others). Your witness of kindness, patience and long-suffering with your daughter may be something your daughter remembers long after she forgets the details of any specific teenaged argument she had with you, or any specific teenaged position she had on theological issues.
 
Your SIL already offered to stop giving the girls books.

So, is there any middle ground that will let you still communicate with your brother and his wife, while making it clear you don’t want them interfering with the way you’re raising your children?

Think of this, and, if possible, wait until this COVID virus is under control. It’s getting on all our nerves, I’m sure. Take care, and God Bless!
 
In my opinion, how you treat your brother and his family tells your kids how you will treat them should they commit a sin or question their faith.

Questioning beliefs from religion to politics to diet as a teen/early adult is a normal part of maturing. The key is not to react with horror or condemnation, however, to make your home a safe place to talk about the hard issues.

This past weekend I watched a documentary on Amazon Prime called “Losing Our Religion”. I wept through much of it, because these men and women had doubts, questioned and even rejected their faith. When this happened, their Christian friends and family completely shut them out. When people most need the love of Christ through us, instead the Christians threw up their hands and retreated.

I’ve been talking to the priests at my parish about this documentary, and about the people out there who have been cut off because they lost their faith. We are working to start a group that will be a safe place for the Nones and the Used-to-be-s to have honest, respectful discussion. To be loving, not to shun, and we thank God that our eyes were opened to this need in our world today.

So, think about what message you send to both your kids and your brother. 15 year old is struggling with the idea of abortion? Find some good non-religious sources (Feminists For Life comes to mind) to read.

You can have a BBQ where everyone agrees no politics or religion talk, we just have fun and play tag football or frisbee golf or RISK.
 
TheLittleLady said:
In my opinion, how you treat your brother and his family tells your kids how you will treat them should they commit a sin or question their faith.

Questioning beliefs from religion to politics to diet as a teen/early adult is a normal part of maturing. The key is not to react with horror or condemnation, however, to make your home a safe place to talk about the hard issues.

This past weekend I watched a documentary on Amazon Prime called “Losing Our Religion”. I wept through much of it, because these men and women had doubts, questioned and even rejected their faith. When this happened, their Christian friends and family completely shut them out. When people most need the love of Christ through us, instead the Christians threw up their hands and retreated.

I’ve been talking to the priests at my parish about this documentary, and about the people out there who have been cut off because they lost their faith. We are working to start a group that will be a safe place for the Nones and the Used-to-be-s to have honest, respectful discussion. To be loving, not to shun, and we thank God that our eyes were opened to this need in our world today.

So, think about what message you send to both your kids and your brother. 15 year old is struggling with the idea of abortion? Find some good non-religious sources (Feminists For Life comes to mind) to read.

You can have a BBQ where everyone agrees no politics or religion talk, we just have fun and play tag football or frisbee golf or RISK.
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I wish I could give this a billion likes.
 
TheLittleLady said:
In my opinion, how you treat your brother and his family tells your kids how you will treat them should they commit a sin or question their faith.

Questioning beliefs from religion to politics to diet as a teen/early adult is a normal part of maturing. The key is not to react with horror or condemnation, however, to make your home a safe place to talk about the hard issues.

This past weekend I watched a documentary on Amazon Prime called “Losing Our Religion”. I wept through much of it, because these men and women had doubts, questioned and even rejected their faith. When this happened, their Christian friends and family completely shut them out. When people most need the love of Christ through us, instead the Christians threw up their hands and retreated.

I’ve been talking to the priests at my parish about this documentary, and about the people out there who have been cut off because they lost their faith. We are working to start a group that will be a safe place for the Nones and the Used-to-be-s to have honest, respectful discussion. To be loving, not to shun, and we thank God that our eyes were opened to this need in our world today.

So, think about what message you send to both your kids and your brother. 15 year old is struggling with the idea of abortion? Find some good non-religious sources (Feminists For Life comes to mind) to read.

You can have a BBQ where everyone agrees no politics or religion talk, we just have fun and play tag football or frisbee golf or RISK.
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I don’t necessarily agree with what you wrote. My approach and beliefs are different. However this is an excellent post expressing your view. I had to like it because I respect it and I believe you believe it.
 
You make a lot of excellent points!

I’m sure the OP doesn’t want her kids to be afraid to ask questions, disagree, or discuss their faith!

OP, just keep the door open. Never let your brother and his wife abuse anyone for his faith, when in your home. But, remember that you strayed, too. And, when both your parents are gone, you may need each other.

But it does seem as if some ground rules need to be set down. Again, I repeat…try to wait until the pandemic is over! I know that my thoughts are all over the place. But don’t wait for a disagreement with your brother, or his family. Try to set these rules when you can all be calm.

Again, wishing you God’s blessings. And, LittleLady, your advice is spot-on!
 
To the OP–I guarantee that if you try to cut your relatives out of your children’s lives, your children will think that they are the COOLEST relatives in their family and reject YOU.

If you really want your daughter to dislike your relatives, then you should be buddy-buddy best pals friends for-evah with them–and then SHE will think they are “lame” (or whatever the current term for “loser” is).

So try to find a middle ground. They are your family–keep them close but not too close. As you get older, you will come to realize that family is precious, and so will they. Train your daughter to love her relatives and to examine respectfully what they say they believe in to determine whether it is truth or not.
 
I’ve cut relatives out and my kids DO NOT think they are cool at all.
 
Is it? It’s sad that it has to be like that but my kids are in lockstep with us when it comes to dangerous or poisonous family members. From a heavily evangelical cousin, to a materialistic grandma, to a practicing gay cousin, to a drug convicted parolee. They don’t think it’s cool. They think it’s sad, they also recognize that we are called as Catholics to a higher standard. Perhaps it’s because we are close and have tons of conversations about family involving the kids. I find sweeping stuff under the rug and putting skeletons in closets leads to kids not understanding WHY mommy and daddy don’t particularly want so and so over for dinner.
 
TheLittleLady said:
In my opinion, how you treat your brother and his family tells your kids how you will treat them should they commit a sin or question their faith.

Questioning beliefs from religion to politics to diet as a teen/early adult is a normal part of maturing. The key is not to react with horror or condemnation, however, to make your home a safe place to talk about the hard issues.

This past weekend I watched a documentary on Amazon Prime called “Losing Our Religion”. I wept through much of it, because these men and women had doubts, questioned and even rejected their faith. When this happened, their Christian friends and family completely shut them out. When people most need the love of Christ through us, instead the Christians threw up their hands and retreated.

I’ve been talking to the priests at my parish about this documentary, and about the people out there who have been cut off because they lost their faith. We are working to start a group that will be a safe place for the Nones and the Used-to-be-s to have honest, respectful discussion. To be loving, not to shun, and we thank God that our eyes were opened to this need in our world today.

So, think about what message you send to both your kids and your brother. 15 year old is struggling with the idea of abortion? Find some good non-religious sources (Feminists For Life comes to mind) to read.

You can have a BBQ where everyone agrees no politics or religion talk, we just have fun and play tag football or frisbee golf or RISK.
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You mean this? Pastors who became atheists? So far I just watched the trailer but these guys look perfectly happy to have ditched religion.
It “stars” Richard Dawkins?
https://www.amazon.com/Losing-Our-Religion-Dan-Dennett/dp/B07GSKV5LC
 
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It includes Mr Dawkins, a humanist campus chaplain, a former Assemblies of God evangelist, former non-denominational pastors, spouse of pastors, even Sunday communities that are all atheist. The pain that drives a questioning pastor to become an atheist is laid bare.
 
I finished watching the movie mentioned a few hours ago. Dawkins was their mainly as a commentator. The saddest parts, imo, were the stories of believing wives of pastors who had left the church. After having been away from the area they served for a long time, the ex-pastor, seeing that his wife was being ignored by former ‘friends’, tried to get them to call her. Some did, but were very negative. They ended up leaving the area again, even having been offered financially stable and emotionally satisfying positions.

But, getting back to the subject at hand…it looks as if this thread Is taking the unfortunate, imo, position, of a hierarchy of sins and sinners-similar to a thread on these forums from the beginning of this year. What did the Founder of our faith tell us about attitudes about sinners? Did He ever send anyone away, who truly wanted to be with him? Wasn’t there a traitor in the midst of His followers, from the beginning?

And who are ‘sinners’? In short, all of us!

Again I ask those who would follow this course
…What Would Jesus Do?

For one thing, I believe He would say ‘God Bless.’ Especially in these hard times.
A wish and attitude I humbly repeat!
 
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Don’t cut yourselves completely off from family. People who do that almost always live to regret it.
 
Mrchatsworth said:
From a heavily evangelical cousin, to a materialistic grandma, to a practicing gay cousin, to a drug convicted parolee.
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You cut people out of your family for A) being gay or B) for being the “wrong type” of Christian…?
 
Your parents are correct. I have seen other famiies where an aunt or uncle would give nieces and nephews books, or have conversations with them, that undermined whatever moral and religious teachings the kids were getting from their parents. One such aunt told her young niece that her parents were going to Hell for being Cathoilc. Just cease contact or at least don’t let the kids receive gifts or have contact with these people.
 
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TC3033 said:
You cut people out of your family for A) being gay or B) for being the “wrong type” of Christian…?
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“Heavily evangeilcal” relatives are often trying to convert or “witness to” other members of the family, including children. Sometimes they say really confusing or upsetting things (see my other post about the aunt who told her 10-year-old niece that her parents were hellbound). It’s fine to have different reilgions in one family but they need to respect other family members’ reilgions and not be talking to young kids about reilgion.
 
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