Brother-in-Law Pawed Me, and I'M the Bad Guy?!?!

[90Domer]

She is part of the family now. When you marry someone - the family is part of the package. Daughter-in-laws are like daughters. Brother-in-laws are like brothers. It takes work. I know that family values have greatly diminished in modern times. I’m still old fashioned.

I apologize, but I got a good chuckle out of this. With my in-laws, I am certainly not treated like a daughter, not is my sister-in-law. We formed our own group called “the out-laws.” I wish I was treated like a daughter. Then again, when I see how my hubby is treated by his family, that may not be a step-up.

 

[The_Bucket]

I have been reading this back and forth between the two of you. Generally thinking that it all really depends on the situation.

That is, until I read this.

Do you really believe that if a husband is beating his wife, she shouldn’t hit back? She shouldn’t try to defend herself? That she should just take it?

The right to self defense is a right. No one should be told that they can’t fight back.

I’m not a fan of the murder defenses presented on fictional television where an abused woman premeditates the killing of her husband because she “sees no other way.” There is another way. Leave. Get out. And you know what? Bring a gun. Because if he hunts you down you absolutely have the right to pull that trigger.

And in the case where a woman (or anyone really) is in the process of being beaten to the point where her or his life is at risk… self-defense to the point of killing the aggressor is indeed morally OK.

That’s why I said it would have to happen in front of me. If I did not see it and my wife told me about it later, I don’t have the right to then drive a number of hours to my male relative’s place of residence and beat him up. That’s premeditated vigilante justice. And vigilante justice is not justice. But if I witness it, yeah I’m going to strike out physically and honestly, there’s nothing illegal or immoral about it.

 

[The_Bucket]

This is coming from my 6’7" husband (and not thin as a rail): it takes a bigger man to step away from a fight and let justice handle the situation for you.

I have to admit that I am shocked over the assault recommendations. My goodness, two wrongs don’t make a right.

I concur with your husband, though I imagine his mind would be a bit different if he witnessed an assault on you in real-time. You have to let justice handle the situation, I totally agree. You don’t have the right to engage in vigilantism.

If it happens in front of you, however, you’re defending a victim from an attacker.

 

[SamH]

But would you want to risk having “Uncle Steve” file an assault charge on the person who decked him?

Decking someone that sexually assaulting your wife should not result in charges. If they do any first year law student should be able toe get the charges dropped. Much the same way Steve probably won’t actually be charged with anything either.

 

[maryjk]

Decking someone that sexually assaulting your wife should not result in charges. If they do any first year law student should be able toe get the charges dropped. Much the same way Steve probably won’t actually be charged with anything either.

I cannot imagine my husband simply calling the police if he saw someone assaulting me.

“Hang on dear wife, help is coming.”

Now the OP situation isn’t quite like that. It sounds like it was a quick grab and he moved on. But at the point of the quick grab, I would have punched him. I don’t know that I would have been able to stop myself. It would have been an automatic reaction.

(My BIL ended up with two black eyes when he put himself in a situation with me and he didn’t anticipate my reaction. No I didn’t set out to hit him.)

 

[Pax2u]

If this was done to me by a brother-in-law (or anyone else) I would expect the following to happen:

1. My husband would have the guy against the wall telling him in no uncertain terms something to the effect of “lay a hand on my wife again and you will be scraping yourself off the floor.”
2. Do what he had to do to be a decent son to his parents, but never again expect me to socialize with “the family” if I didn’t feel comfortable doing so. If that means he goes to a family event alone, so be it.

I have no doubt my husband would do both of the above in that circumstance. I know each family has different dynamics, but I am very sorry the OP is not getting total support from every member of that family, and they haven’t told that loser brother-in-law to shape out or not be at family gatherings. He sounds tricky enough to stop just short of doing something he could get in serious legal trouble over…but still wants to assert his “power” and get his kicks. Sick.

 

[90Domer]

I concur with your husband, though I imagine his mind would be a bit different if he witnessed an assault on you in real-time. You have to let justice handle the situation, I totally agree. You don’t have the right to engage in vigilantism.

If it happens in front of you, however, you’re defending a victim from an attacker.

Honestly, I am not sure he would beat someone up as opposed to subdue the person until police arrived. However, I have to remember that most people are intimidated by his size. So much so that they wouldn’t try pulling anything.

I think I am going to ask him what he would do. I am really curious.

 

[EasterJoy]

I cannot imagine my husband simply calling the police if he saw someone assaulting me.

“Hang on dear wife, help is coming.”

Now the OP situation isn’t quite like that. It sounds like it was a quick grab and he moved on. But at the point of the quick grab, I would have punched him. I don’t know that I would have been able to stop myself. It would have been an automatic reaction.

(My BIL ended up with two black eyes when he put himself in a situation with me and he didn’t anticipate my reaction. No I didn’t set out to hit him.)

See, now I see that as OK…that is, I wouldn’t object if force was required to actually stop the offense, nor whether the victim or a third party (any 3rd party, let alone her husband!) was taking forceful action to stop the offense. And yes, while self-control is never optional, there is also some latitude about what is “necessary”. When objecting to addressing this problem via physical means, I was talking about the husband getting a report of an offense shortly after the fact. Once the incident is over, you don’t go and beat the guy up and call it self-defense. You either decide to file a report with the police or you handle it with the guy with consequences that don’t involve physical assault, whether legal, social, or whatever.