OK, so I’m having a little trouble sleeping and no one is looking.
First of all, I want to thank everyone for their warm wishes and continued prayers. Please don’t stop. They are having a positive effect on my body and my soul. Let’s talk about my body first.
I went to see my primary care doctor and he’s still happy. That’s good news. The damage to my system is irreversible, but the progression of the deterioration of my kidneys and lungs has slowed down. That’s good news for some and for other it’s, “OH NO! Is he going to be around longer?” The answer to that question is known only to God.
Now, let’s talk about my soul. Who doesn’t struggle with sin and temptation? If you’re here, go to another page. I don’t want to scandalize you. Yes, religious do struggle with sin, probably more than most people. Don’t ask me why, because I don’t have the perfect answer. If I did, I could probably find the solution and win a Nobel Prize in religion. Is there even such a thing?
What I’ve noticed, since all of your started this prayer crusade for me is that I’m starting to win some battles against sin. Please allow me the moment to be a little personal. Indulge me. I’m an old man. A few days ago I had a very strange discussion with one of the brothers. I didn’t realize it at the moment, but I was hurting his feelings. Suddenly, there were tears, not mine, his. When I asked him why he was crying he was honest. “Father, sometimes you hurt my feelings.” To be honest, I never intentionally try to hurt people’s feelings. However, we all step on other’s toes, more often than we think. Most of the time people don’t tell us. My guess is that it’s a trust issue. You have to trust the person before you say, “Ouch! You’re hurting me.”
That night, after lights out, I was laying there thinking back on our conversation. Of course, I felt very badly about hurting Brother’s feelings. That was never a question. But something else happened. As if by Divine assistance, which I believe it was, I realized that even when I’m right, I can also be wrong in my dealings with this one brother. Yes, he has some things that he has to work on. But he’s also a very good man, very loving, honest, and he’s very young. His basic problem is one of maturity. Maturity is not something that we can legislate. You can’t command someone to be wise and mature overnight. It has to come with experience. Those of us who have experience have to be patient with those who are not at the same point as we are. I felt a sudden sense of horror and remorse. I realized that in the stillness of the night, Christ was speaking to me. He was calling me to soften my tone, to lighten up on the boy and to remember that I too was there once upon a time. I too did and said foolish things. I too pouted when things didn’t go my way and I certainly had an attitude when corrected, but others were kind to me. Superiors were not blind to my faults, but they put up with them and gently guided me by their example more than correction.
I then remembered my novice master and the headaches that I gave him. I felt ashamed of myself. I now realize that he was my best friend, when I thought he was the enemy. He challenged me and at the same time he bore my idiocy with patience. I was his purgatory on earth. His example came back to me to convict me and to teach me. He has passed away. My only regret is that I would like to see him once more to say, “I’m sorry and I’m grateful for your example in humility and patience.” How I wish he were alive!
I know that I would not have had this realization without your prayers. This is why I am sharing with you a piece of my conscience. Sometimes, it’s good to know that our prayers are heard and answered, even if it’s halfway around the world or across the street. This takes me to my last point for today, Good Friday.
In all of this, I also remembered what our holy father St. Francis taught us about sin and about the cross. On the cross, Jesus not only redeems us from our sinfulness, but he exposes for us the poverty of God. God is totally naked, totally helpless, and totally loving. He pours himself out for the beloved . . . you and me. While we are sinners and we need to acknowledge our sins, repent and do penance, our sinfulness can be a means to consolation to us. Because when we face our sins, we realize that we can’t save ourselves from them. Only God can do that. In essence, God uses our sins to encourage us to turn toward the cross. Obviously, we are free to cooperate or not. But as the Scriptures tell us, God brings good out of evil. He brings good out of our sinful state, if we let him. Without God, we can do nothing. But God who is rich in mercy and justice became poor on the cross in order to make us rich in grace.
As we proceed toward the Easter Triduum, let us remember the Poverty of God. In becoming poor, Christ enriches us with grace. But this came at a great price. The Father had to watch the Son being torn apart and pierced but do nothing to stop it. Who of us would allow one of our children to endure such horrific torture? Who of us can love this intensely? God looks at his suffering Son and says to himself, “This is the way that it has to be.” The Son looks to the Father and asks him to absolve us. “Father, forgive them.” The Father and Son are of one heart and mind, to redeem us at all cost. The Holy Spirit makes it possible for us to understand the poverty of our human condition and how it is assumed by God himself in the poverty of the Cross.
Have a blessed Triduum. Please pray for me and join me in praying for children, which is my special intention for Lent. I pray that every child will have the opportunity to experience the love of the Crucified Savior and grow to be a mirror of perfection.