Brother taking advantage of our mom

[EasterJoy]

I am mindful that we are only hearing ONE side of this story.

She could be wrong, and it would still not make her motives bad or her concern for her mother imprudent.

When you say, “nothing is more important than family,” are you saying that the siblings of someone who might be taking advantage of one or both of their parents should simply bite their tongues and watch? Why is that a better outcome than becoming estranged from a brother who won’t socialize with siblings unless he can keep them so concerned about keeping the peace that they are always scared away from watching out for the welfare of their mother? Is that what “nothing is more important than family” means?

The OP should constantly examine herself, so that she is defending not her hoped-for inheritance and not even her mother’s money but rather her mother’s autonomy. She should not try to satisfy her own definition of what is a “fair” relationship. Healthy families give sweetheart deals all of the time. It isn’t necessarily unfair. Her concern ought to be that her mother is fully aware of the choices that she is making. She is free to do as she pleases with her own property, whether or not anyone else likes it. Yes, the OP has to live with that.

Of course avoiding damage to relationships should be a high priority, but there have also been many horror stories about families who did not want to make a scene with a family member who was falling to the temptation of opportunity. That road does not have a happy ending, either. That is the outcome the OP can watch out for: Mom, are you sure that this is what you want?

Many of the most common kinds of family strife can be avoided by communicating but doing it with tact, kindness, and the presumption of good will. You cannot get anywhere by blunting telling a man that he’s the kind who would steal from his own mother, even if the truth is that this is exactly what he is!! You certainly don’t get anywhere with a woman by telling her that her generosity towards her son is not generosity at all but the tolerance of theft! Expect those two messages to make you persona non grata, OP!

It is important that the OP not become so afraid for her mother that she becomes angry and not so angry if the fear turns out to be well-founded that she becomes emotionally violent. There has been enough of that. The situation needs to be stepped down. It is not enough merely to “let it go,” not unless she plans to simply check out of the family. She does have to accept that she is not and should not seek to be in control of this situation. It is her place to confirm that her mother understands all that is going on and has freely chosen it, but no more. If that is all that you are saying, then we are in agreement.

 

[SAVINGRACE]

She could be wrong, and it would still not make her motives bad or her concern for her mother imprudent.

When you say, “nothing is more important than family,” are you saying that the siblings of someone who might be taking advantage of one or both of their parents should simply bite their tongues and watch? Why is that a better outcome than becoming estranged from a brother who won’t socialize with siblings unless he can keep them so concerned about keeping the peace that they are always scared away from watching out for the welfare of their mother? Is that what “nothing is more important than family” means?

The OP should constantly examine herself, so that she is defending not her hoped-for inheritance and not even her mother’s money but rather her mother’s autonomy. She should not try to satisfy her own definition of what is a “fair” relationship. Healthy families give sweetheart deals all of the time. It isn’t necessarily unfair. Her concern ought to be that her mother is fully aware of the choices that she is making. She is free to do as she pleases with her own property, whether or not anyone else likes it. Yes, the OP has to live with that.

Of course avoiding damage to relationships should be a high priority, but there have also been many horror stories about families who did not want to make a scene with a family member who was falling to the temptation of opportunity. That road does not have a happy ending, either. That is the outcome the OP can watch out for: Mom, are you sure that this is what you want?

Many of the most common kinds of family strife can be avoided by communicating but doing it with tact, kindness, and the presumption of good will. You cannot get anywhere by blunting telling a man that he’s the kind who would steal from his own mother, even if the truth is that this is exactly what he is!! You certainly don’t get anywhere with a woman by telling her that her generosity towards her son is not generosity at all but the tolerance of theft! Expect those two messages to make you persona non grata, OP!

It is important that the OP not become so afraid for her mother that she becomes angry and not so angry if the fear turns out to be well-founded that she becomes emotionally violent. There has been enough of that. The situation needs to be stepped down. It is not enough merely to “let it go,” not unless she plans to simply check out of the family. She does have to accept that she is not and should not seek to be in control of this situation. It is her place to confirm that her mother understands all that is going on and has freely chosen it, but no more. If that is all that you are saying, then we are in agreement.

Her mother is a functioning adult and is capable of making her own decisions.

Again, everything we know about her brother is what she has told us, there are many sides to a story.

Even if I believed my brother were unduly influencing my mum, I would leave it alone as long as my mum is happy with her decision which in this case she appears to be.

“Material goods” are never worth fighting over in the family.

 

[Memaw]

Update:

My brother called me today and was livid. He hurled insult after insult at me in between his lame justifications. He states that he deserves at least minimum wage for all the hours of “upkeep” around there and then there’s the “mortgage payments” they’ve been making- they pay $1125 flat to live there - mortgage and utilities included. The mortgage is $1800 as is and mom pays their cell phones, electric, garbage, etc. etc. So he’s counting his “rent” as equity he has built into the place and apparently charging mom to be a groundskeeper.

At the end of the conversation he said that I am just a psycho and he’s not the only family member that said that about me this weekend. Apparently they were pow-wowing about this without me after all. He said that everyone knows I’m “on medication to control my emotions”, (I take effexor for anxiety) and that I’m just a crazy unstable person that needs to leave mom alone. I asked him if mom’s crazy since she’s on a medication for depression and he blamed me for being the reason she needs it in the first place.

I still think it time for you to get a lawyer, Maybe the CPA friend can help. If Mom ends up with an empty purse and needs help in her “old age” who do you think will take care of her. God Bless, Memaw

 

[EasterJoy]

Her mother is a functioning adult and is capable of making her own decisions.

Again, everything we know about her brother is what she has told us, there are many sides to a story.

Even if I believed my brother were unduly influencing my mum, I would leave it alone as long as my mum is happy with her decision which in this case she appears to be.

“Material goods” are never worth fighting over in the family.

You would do this even if the undue influence were to leave your mother financially vulnerable? No matter who was trying to fleece her, you’d take the attitude that it’s her money to be foolish with if she wants, and if her old age was far more financially restricted than your dad ever meant it to be, then oh well, it is her bed, she made it, and she can sleep in it? “Go for it, Bro! Clean Mom out, if she’ll let you.” It is her money, not yours, so no skin off of your nose?

OK…

 

[mommy_k]

I have been following this thread, and it is just sad that the op’s opinion is being dismissed by the mom…

As a parent, I would never sell or give property to one child if it causes this much strife between them. It would have ended there-or a family meeting would be called to figure out something that is workable. The op and the sister have just as much right to share (name removed by moderator)ut as the son does for the mom’s future financial security.

It is a bitter pill to swallow when a parent dismisses one child, gives an advantage to another and then expect the dismissed child to pick up the pieces— both finacially and care wise in the future. It is unfair for the mom to put the op in this possible moral dilemma if it comes about.

The op’s brother can sell tommorrow and pocket mom’s profit without strings for many reasons–his wife, his job, or just because…

I would communicate this in a loving way to the mom, and leave the brother alone for now.

 

[kittery]

I have been following this thread, and it is just sad that the op’s opinion is being dismissed by the mom…

As a parent, I would never sell or give property to one child if it causes this much strife between them. It would have ended there-or a family meeting would be called to figure out something that is workable. The op and the sister have just as much right to share (name removed by moderator)ut as the son does for the mom’s future financial security.

It is a bitter pill to swallow when a parent dismisses one child, gives an advantage to another and then expect the dismissed child to pick up the pieces— both finacially and care wise in the future. It is unfair for the mom to put the op in this possible moral dilemma if it comes about.

The op’s brother can sell tommorrow and pocket mom’s profit without strings for many reasons–his wife, his job, or just because…

I would communicate this in a loving way to the mom, and leave the brother alone for now.

Your words are comforting… I think you can see where I’m coming from. When my dad first got sick, he was talking to my mom and I one day and he said that when it came to the property he wanted there to be no bitterness or hard feelings about any decisions that would come about down the road. It was up in the air at that point what would happen, but we knew that without dad, mom couldn’t keep the property up nor afford it all on her own. He said that if it started to cause problems, it would be better just to sell it to a stranger than keep it in the family. He knew it could easily become too complicated- he said that he had seen too many families torn apart because of this kind of thing.

My mom has always had a special place in her heart for my brother. He is a very extroverted and popular guy that was good at all kinds of sports. She loved hearing people brag on him I think because she felt is was a reflection of her as a mother. I’ve made accomplishments too, but they aren’t as “sparkly” I guess you’d say. I know her decision is wrapped up in her emotions toward him and he is happy to take everything she is giving. If I was in his position, I would feel responsible to pay her a fair price or tell her we must pass and allow her to sell to someone who could afford to pay her fairly.

 

[kittery]

You would do this even if the undue influence were to leave your mother financially vulnerable? No matter who was trying to fleece her, you’d take the attitude that it’s her money to be foolish with if she wants, and if her old age was far more financially restricted than your dad ever meant it to be, then oh well, it is her bed, she made it, and she can sleep in it? “Go for it, Bro! Clean Mom out, if she’ll let you.” It is her money, not yours, so no skin off of your nose?

OK…

I certainly did not have it in me to just sit back and let my brother bully me into silence. I said what I thought needed to be said with complete understanding that the decision was ultimately mom’s. I ended up sending an email to my mom, brother, sister, and sister in law, with my husband included too that was meant to state my position for everyone to hear at once (since all refused to meet in person). I wanted to minimize the hearsay and possible exaggeration of my opinion. I have not heard a single word from anyone but my mom.

Mom’s reply and her “solution” was to sell it to him as agreed, still paying for a new septic and all after the closing which already happened on 5/8. Then she said she will meet with her attorney and revise her will to state a chosen amount to go to me and my sister before the rest of the estate gets divided up three ways. I don’t think she ever heard my concern for her financial welfare in the here and now.

So now, she has managed to liquidate all but one property within 15 months of my dad’s death- she sold two building lots and two properties in that amount of time on top of the life insurance which was fair amount. He worked 40 years to build it up and it’s almost all gone.

So yes- I am very concerned about her hitting a financial brick wall and I know my brother and sil enough to say- they won’t be opening the ones supporting her financially. My sil helped make my brother this way, I am sad to say. She is a “keep up with the joneses” kind of girl and once upon a time, even left my brother for a year because she was tired of their finances being so tight all the time. She wanted him to get a different job that paid more (brother worked for dad in construction), but my brother didn’t want to. They are the ones that seem to be “all about money”, which my mom is accusing me of now that I dared to break my brother’s family politics about keeping it all under the table.