Budgets...blown it again

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BLB_Oregon:

Thanks for the advice. Those are very hard steps. I hope I can do them. It’s hard cause it’s not just me. If it were, I’d be fine. My husband is an only child (well, his brother is 13 years older than him so he grew up like an only child) and is used to having what he wants. He wants to live in luxury and wants to be able to do the things he wants to. I’m afraid he may feel tied down because I can’t afford what he can. His parents advised him (i don’t agree but he does) that my money/debt is mine and his money/debt is his. They also told him that joint accounts are a bad thing, sharing money and bills are bad etc.

How many of you have joint accounts or share your money/debts with your spouse?

Thanks
Sarc
 
Kage_er, Dr. Colossus:

I love my husband to pieces, but he can be so hard to please. He likes going to movie theaters, concerts etc. but he is the pickiest man alive…you name it, he probably doesn’t like it. He hates card games, board games, going for walks, etc.

I guess I will just have to make him like them…lol
 
Joint everything. We did the yours and mine early in marriage - it did not work - what are you going to do, each buy your own toothpaste and write your initials on the eggs in the fridge?
 
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sarcophagus:
Kage_er, Dr. Colossus:

I love my husband to pieces, but he can be so hard to please. He likes going to movie theaters, concerts etc. but he is the pickiest man alive…you name it, he probably doesn’t like it. He hates card games, board games, going for walks, etc.

I guess I will just have to make him like them…lol
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From the sound of it your primary problem may be that your husband is not nearly so interested in saving money as you are. Without the two of you working together a successful budget is not going to happen.
 
Kage_er:

Basically, the way it works right now is that he pays his half of the rent, car insurance, gas, his credit card/student loan payments and groceries. I pay my share of the rent, phone, internet, cable, credit card/loan payments.

Right now, it’s hard to save on phone, internet and cable because cable is included in the rent but because the people who rent upstairs are on the same cable (in a house) we can’t get rid of it or get it deducted from our rent. I have a roommate as well. He calls tons of places (BC, Indiana etc) so he insists on the most expensive long-distance plan as well as the fastest internet possible (and most expensive). Because we use these services too, we don’t have much say. But, he doesn’t pay his share of the bills so I may change to dial-up and a cheaper plan because he won’t pay.
 
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sarcophagus:
He likes going to movie theaters, concerts etc.
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That can be a budget item. And going to the movies can mean different things to different people.

Here, we can go to a matinee for $7 each, while an evening show is $10. There, you just saved $6 between you if you go to the early show. You will also have time for dinner at home.

My family of 3 can EASILY drop $35 at the concession stand if we each get popcorn, candy and drinks! That is a waste.

If you have to budget one movie night each month, do it wisely. Instead of dinner out, go to a place for an appetizer or dessert, again - if you can only afford once each month, go to the pared down movie one weekend, the dessert out one weekend - and find something free to do on the other weekends 🙂

You really don’t have do drop $50 bucks for a fun night out.
 
You and your husband need to work out your finances – perhaps with a counselor: NOT with your in-laws.

Money is the number one thing married people fight over: time to work this out together without interference (or financial help) from parents.
 
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sarcophagus:
Thanks everyone.

Maendem:

I think setting up the budget is the hardest part. I try to pare everything down to what we need not want but then my husband says it’s too strict. Once we’ve come up with something that satisfies both of us, we always either a) over spend or b) forget about the budget (mostly DH 😉 ). We usually don’t have a record of what we’ve purchased because DH doesn’t keep reciepts or he’ll give me one or two when he remembers. I’ve tried everything, most recently, keeping a reciept box by the door, empty pockets into box, but that’s not working either. It could be due to immaturity, since niether of us has had to do this before, but I would rather call it inexperience.

…
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Hey, Sarc.

Your budget right now is meaningless precisely because you don’t keep a record of what you purchase. That’s the only way to set a realistic budget - by seeing where you’ve spent money in the past, and which expenses can then be eliminated. You can’t pull budget line items out of the air and then hope to stick to them ("OK, I think $100 a month for groceries is good, and let’s allocate $30 to the movies…)

It’s more like seeing you spent $300 on groceries last month, and you realize that some of that money went to junk food and things you dont really need. You can then set your grocery budget at (e.g.) $250. Then, if you get really thrifty and spend only $200 on groceries that month, you know you have $50 left over for the movies. The advantage of a budget, if its realistic and you stick to it, is that you can move the money around this way. If you do go crazy and overspend on groceries ($350) you know there’s no money left for your entertainment budget, so no movies that month. Either way, you don’t go over budget.

I can’t keep receipts either. I only use credit/debit, and thus all my expenses can be tracked online through the credit card company Web site or bank --I just log on once a week to see where I am.

All of this said, I have to agree with other posters that your main problem is lack of effective communication and common financial goals with your husband. His attitude IS immature and he sounds spoiled. But no name calling - you guys should see a marriage AND financial counselor so you can get on the same page about this. It will only get worse with children and time. Marriage means having a common life, and that includes goals and bank accounts.
One last thing, and then I’ll climb off my soap box. Inexperience is no excuse. I grew up in an Anabaptist community very similar to the Amish, where all property was held in common and everything was provided for me. I rarely SAW money, and didn’t use it until I was 18 years old, and left the community and home with $50 in my pocket that someone gave me. I had to learn almost overnight what a budget was, along with what a credit card was, what a check was (and how to write one) and what a bank did. At 18! Alone in Houston! But I learned and applied it, and did fine. You guys can too, and you’re way ahead.
 
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sarcophagus:
BLB_Oregon:

Thanks for the advice. Those are very hard steps. I hope I can do them. It’s hard cause it’s not just me. If it were, I’d be fine. My husband is an only child (well, his brother is 13 years older than him so he grew up like an only child) and is used to having what he wants. He wants to live in luxury and wants to be able to do the things he wants to. I’m afraid he may feel tied down because I can’t afford what he can. His parents advised him (i don’t agree but he does) that my money/debt is mine and his money/debt is his. They also told him that joint accounts are a bad thing, sharing money and bills are bad etc.

How many of you have joint accounts or share your money/debts with your spouse?

Thanks
Sarc
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Well, you don’t have to do it forever… just until you learn that you really can say “no” to yourself and you really can make do with much less than you think. That is truly a freedom… it is too bad it is a gift your parents never gave either of you, but you can make up for it.

Even if your husband does not have a spiritual bone in his body, he needs to know this much: you are never ever going to be even materially wealthy if you cannot say “no” to yourself. Immaturity with money is the quickest road to the poorhouse that there is.

We have joint accounts, joint goals, jointly-held assets. We are two separate people, yes, but we have one life.

PS You may also want to check out the Dr. Phil website. As he says, “You don’t solve money problems with money.” He is a very wealthy man, but he grew up in poverty. He has some interesting ideas that might help you and your marriage.
 
We share everything. I can’t imagine it working any other way.
 
I’ve read through your posts and I don’t think you have a money problem-- I think you have emotional maturity problems.

Please don’t take this harshly, but I mean two adults who continually sabotage their future and their monthly budget because they “just can’t stick to their budget” have emotional issues related to money. It doesn’t matter if you make $20 million or $20 thousand. I recommend the book Life or Debt by Stacy Johnson.

When your family is struggling, you do what is necessary. The fact that you just can’t tells me that there is a deeper unresolved problem.

You stated you came from a family where there was no budget because money was no object. Self-image can often be caught up in money, what you think you “deserve”, what other people think, appearances, etc. Perhaps wants and needs are unrealistic.

I think you and your husband should sit down and discuss the underlying reason you and he cannot economize, stick to a budget, and save for your future. Again, I don’t think it’s about the amount of money you are brining in to the household.
 
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mercygate:
Sarc,

Look up trustingly into your husband’s eyes. Tell him you haven’t succeeded with keeping to a budget, and you need him to assume his God-given leadership in this and to set the example you need 😉 ; ask him to craft the spending plan . . . a sense of control might help him succeed.
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Since you are a grown, educated woman, not a lost puppy, I would forego the approach above and suggest that you and your husband first agree on what your financial goals are. Do you/or/ he/ or both have long term education expenses? Do you want some savings? Do you want to own a home? Where do children fit into your life plan? These larger, long-term targets will dictate how much money you need to save and how much is available to spend on the “smell the roses” kind of expenses like entertainment, clothes, etc… If $ is tight you will need to watch it and budget closely–until you have some more financial breathing room.

As for how a family of 4 lives on $20,000/year–can’t even imagine how it could be done and I would suggest you probably don’t want to put yourself in the position of having to find out.
 
Go to and listen/call Financial Guru Dave Ramsey.

Also, cut off all credit cards and debit cards, use cash! (“The envelope system” as Dave Ramsey calls it).

Hope this helps,
 
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kage_ar:
Set down with a sheet of paper.

On the left side top put your monthly TAKE HOME pay.

On the right, list your expenses - the NEEDS

Rent (never more than 1/3 your take home pay, if it is more than that, your budget will be upside down from day one).

Utilities (Cable TV and Cell phones do NOT count here, they are luxuries)

Food (about $5 per day per person, if you cook at home and shop wisely)

Tithe, Savings

Clothing (this should be a very small amount each month, and something you stick to like it is the law - no more than $25 per person per month for a couple -)

If you live where there is a good public transportatin system, you can live without a car. so, figure your fares.

Anything outside of these is a luxury. A computer is a luxury…

DON’T eat out, don’t grab a cup of coffee at Starbucks, don’t go to the movies, DO go to the library, DO shop and cook wisely, DO learn to mend your clothes, DON’T Dry Clean - if it can’t be hand washed, you don’t need it —

My best advice, decide who is going to be in charge of the family finances and stick to it - sit down and do the bills together, but, one person is in charge of the bills…

It really CAN be done.
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I am going to disagree slightly here. set yourself up on a spartan lifestyle and you may be able to stick to it for a few months if you are disaplined but allow yourself some entertainment otherwise you will get frustrated and “beinge” grant yourself some comforts but keep tabs on it. watch the nickles and dimes as they add up to dollars. Get the phrase “it’s only…” out of your vocabulary. It’s only $20 only needs 4 more to become $100. But I will agree. Trim what you can cut what you must leave the kids home when you go to the grocery store if you don’t budget your money you won’t have any. I am not sure how student loans are in Canada but in the US they are the most leinient creditors you will ever find short of your mother. if you must CALL THEM and let them know it’s better than having them chase you down.
 
The money that my husband and I make is “our money” as in joint everything. Any debt we have is our debt. I find couples that have separate finances seem more like unmarried couples living together than truly married couples.

When my husband was laid off i learned how frugal I could be. I didn’t buy frozen dinners or convience foods. I learned to “stretch” ground beef by adding potatoes or rice. Chicken was stretched with pasta. There are great sites for frugal recipes online -I’ll see if I can track some down for you. We didn’t eat out with a few exceptions - that is if we had a good coupon. We ordered water instead of pop to drink.

When I had the urge to shop I went to the wonderful large library we have nearby and checked out stacks of books, videos, computer software and cd’s.

We looked for inexpensive things to do on the weekends-free concerts in the park, trips to the beach - if you look in the newpaper you’ll usually spot all kinds of neat things.

We cancelled cable, optional phone services such as call-waiting & caller ID. We still had part of our free year contract for AOL internet service from when we purchased our computer so I was glad for that. Emailed instead of phone people whenever possible.

A big thing is attitude, being positive. As in- these are things we can do, not we can’t do these things because we don’t have the money.

I tried to make a special meal about once a week to substitute for not going out eat. It’s still much cheaper. A nice dinner by candle light and a hot bubble bath doesn’t cost very much. Hubby quit renting videos every week, instead he exchanged some movies and playstation games with a neighbor.

Since we have a daughter I carried capri-sun juice drinks and healthy snacks with me when were running errands so I wouldn’t have to stop for a happymeal if she got hungry.

Ofcourse turn off lights, turn down the thermostat, keep phone conversations short.
My parents being retired love to find places (usually stores) that have special events that offer free food and give aways. I never saw myself doing that but when hubby was laid off we did. One less meal to make.

Remember positive attitude goes a long way. If hubby is used to buying a latte everyday on the way to work, maybe it can once a week -or buy a plain coffee and used those little flavored creamers. Gradually cutting back instead of just cutting everything out completely may be your best bet since hubby is somewhat resistant to change.

Combine your finances and absolutely sit down and do your bills together. He must be involved and share the reponsibilty.
 
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sarcophagus:
Kage_er:

Basically, the way it works right now is that he pays his half of the rent, car insurance, gas, his credit card/student loan payments and groceries. I pay my share of the rent, phone, internet, cable, credit card/loan payments.

Right now, it’s hard to save on phone, internet and cable because cable is included in the rent but because the people who rent upstairs are on the same cable (in a house) we can’t get rid of it or get it deducted from our rent. I have a roommate as well. He calls tons of places (BC, Indiana etc) so he insists on the most expensive long-distance plan as well as the fastest internet possible (and most expensive). Because we use these services too, we don’t have much say. But, he doesn’t pay his share of the bills so I may change to dial-up and a cheaper plan because he won’t pay.
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Why do you not have a joint bank account? If it’s joint, then there are no your half my half. It’s all the same account.
Making it, you pay yours I pay mine will never work. It makes it more like a roommate situation and not a marriage
 
I agree with rayne89… Everything my husband and I make financially is our money. The bills and debts are our bills and debts. There is no mine.
My husband helped pay off doctor bills I had from before we were married. I had this bills from high school, I was 18 so it was my responsibility. After the insurance, I had to pay what was left. How about this, my mother just kept throwing the bills away. It ended up on MY credit report because I was 18. I was still in high school!!! But my husband and I worked it out.
Even before we got married we had a joint account, I didn’t have a checking account so he put me on it. Very dangerous though, because what if we had a nasty break up? Well we didn’t (thank the Lord), and we still use that same account.

Never, since we decided to get married as it ever been about NUMERO UNO!!
 
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AmberDale:
I agree with rayne89… Everything my husband and I make financially is our money. The bills and debts are our bills and debts. There is no mine.
My husband helped pay off doctor bills I had from before we were married. I had this bills from high school, I was 18 so it was my responsibility. After the insurance, I had to pay what was left. How about this, my mother just kept throwing the bills away. It ended up on MY credit report because I was 18. I was still in high school!!! But my husband and I worked it out.
Even before we got married we had a joint account, I didn’t have a checking account so he put me on it. Very dangerous though, because what if we had a nasty break up? Well we didn’t (thank the Lord), and we still use that same account.

Never, since we decided to get married as it ever been about NUMERO UNO!!
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We actually combined our accounts before we married, too. While I understand that it “sounds” dangerous, I knew that even if by some horrible chance we had a horrible break-up before the wedding, I was not marrying someone who would cheat me out of what I put in with his (and his was considerably more, anyway). It just made sense for us, since we had so many purchases to make and things to pay for before we actually walked down the aisle.

Like you, it worked out beautifully and my husband has never once intimated that he views the money he brings home as “his” and not “ours.” In fact, I basically do all the buying…clothes, groceries, toiletries, movie rentals, whatever. He writes the checks for our bills, and withdraws money on occasion for lunch at work, but that’s about the extent of his spending. We talk about money on an as-needed basis, sometimes daily, sometimes weekly, sometimes monthly. Right now, I do not work and I have not worked in exactly a year…he has never suggested that I don’t “pull my share” and instead is so appreciative of the things I do around the house and other ways that I contribute to our family. We make decisions together about large purchases (basically anything that isn’t on the above list) and talk together about what our needs are, what we’re saving for and what we can do without.

I would feel like I just had a roommate if I was “responsible” for a certain portion of rent, car payment, etc. My husband’s parents had a marriage like that, and he was adamant that ours would not be like that at all. His dad actually had a “talk” with him before we were married about the importance of keeping separate bank accounts. My husband told him to stay out of our business… praise God. His parents are the unhappiest people I know, and we attribute a lot of that to the resentment they have over money and finances with one another. He hoards, she spends out of spite…it’s just a vicious cycle. I am so glad my husband did not inherit those issues!
 
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sarcophagus:
Kage_er:
Right now, it’s hard to save on phone, internet and cable because cable is included in the rent but because the people who rent upstairs are on the same cable (in a house) we can’t get rid of it or get it deducted from our rent. I have a roommate as well. He calls tons of places (BC, Indiana etc) so he insists on the most expensive long-distance plan as well as the fastest internet possible (and most expensive). Because we use these services too, we don’t have much say. But, he doesn’t pay his share of the bills so I may change to dial-up and a cheaper plan because he won’t pay.
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I’m still being supported by my parents and don’t know the first thing about budgeting. With regard to phone service, however, perhaps you can get your roommate to consider using Skype (especially if you’re already paying for high-speed internet), which is a free and very popular internet telephony service. You have to call computer-to-computer (unless you want to pay), but it has quite a few benefits, including the fact that it’s free and the sound quality is far superior to a phone.

skype.com/
 
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