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Allegra
Guest
What do you think “smooching” is?
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Allegra
Guest
Often, but not always? I would stop stressing over it and quit kissing, smooching, pecking, or otherwise displaying oral signs of affection.
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Altargirl
Guest
According to the definition given by my dictionary: “The process of kissing over a long period of time in a comfortable place with someone special”. An affectionate greeting we exchange hardly demonstrates such behaviour.
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Xantippe
Guest
“Give me a smooch” means “Give me a kiss.” It doesn’t necessarily mean anything prolonged.
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SuperLuigi
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Lorelei12
Guest
Are you the only one the priest greets in this way? I ask this because on my college campus, a couple of the priests used to hug the students-male and female. They were quite old though, in their eighties, and it was nothing anyone ever thought was weird.
It does sound like you are the only one who has this relationship with the priest, and that does make it different. It seems like it has approached the “inappropriate” realm, and you seem unwilling to consider that it might not be prudent to act this way. You say that you even have to make an effort to “hide” your affection- you should not be “hiding” it- you should be stopping it. Be respectful of the priest and the parish, and stop thinking of this as bulling and gossiping, and instead as an opportunity to take a step back and examine your behavior.
It does sound like you are the only one who has this relationship with the priest, and that does make it different. It seems like it has approached the “inappropriate” realm, and you seem unwilling to consider that it might not be prudent to act this way. You say that you even have to make an effort to “hide” your affection- you should not be “hiding” it- you should be stopping it. Be respectful of the priest and the parish, and stop thinking of this as bulling and gossiping, and instead as an opportunity to take a step back and examine your behavior.
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Annie39
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To some women priests are the “forbidden fruit”. He is someone who they aren’t supposed to have which makes him “prey”. It’s an exciting game. I’m not saying that some of those who are “prey” don’t welcome the flirting I’m sure some do in fact I know of one priest who welcomed the attention from a woman so much that he (shall I say) made a pass at the woman. That woman then went with her husband to the bishop to complain. The bishop asked the woman if she did anything to encourage him. Would you believe, even in front of her husband she admitted it! I can’t see into the op’s heart so I don’t know if she is a flirt or terribly naïve. At any rate neither the op nor the priest are very wise.
Annie
Annie
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Allegra
Guest
I find this definition disturbing as I know several small children, pets, and even an elderly lady who are called “Smooch”, “Smoochie”, or “Smooches”. I think around here it usually means an kiss in general. Dictionary.com gives this definition.
smooch2 /smutʃ/ Show Spelled [smooch] Show IPA Informal.
verb (used without object)
- to kiss.
- to pet.
noun - a kiss; smack.
Origin:
1580–90; variant of obsolete smouch to kiss < ?; compare dialectal German schmutzen to kiss, smile
Related forms
smooch·er, noun
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thewanderer
Guest
I’m sorry, but the OP has made no indication that her affection for the priest is in any way problematic, according to what she has so far written it is an entirely platonic affection. By “hiding” her affection what the OP presumably meant was stopping the physical gestures of their platonic affection. There is nothing that says that a priest cannot be close friends with a female. Although prudence does need to be taken into consideration. OP, I think that it actually might be imprudent for you to kiss your priest on the cheek and for him to kiss you this way, especially if this particular sign of affection is only shown towards you and not towards others. You did say that he shows affection to many in the parish, old and young alike, but are you the only one he greets this way?
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jmcrae
Guest
Sadly, this is the very reason that we must be discreet at all times - our enemies can use these things against us maliciously.
It is not because we think people are “so bad” that we have to have all these rules about not touching anyone of the opposite sex, and not touching children, but because, in the climate of fear that has been created by a few very bad people, that good people can be attacked in this way by their enemies.
It is no longer possible to say, “I am a good person, and I mean no harm; therefore it is okay for me to touch this person.” It isn’t - not because anything bad is actually going to happen, but because the people around us who happen not to like us can use it against us.
It’s a sad situation, but it is the reality in which we live.
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newlywed8
Guest
Wow, I am sorry for two things. One, that your friendship is undergoing a strain and two that everyone here is giving you such a hard time instead of a sympathetic ear.
I guess it is a cultural thing, but in my church I often greet priests and others with a kiss on the cheek and I am from the US (but my church has a strong Ukrainian influence, so more European in culture).
I think it is a little uncalled for to refer to it as ‘priest smooching’. Please, give me a break. Smoothing clearly implies something inappropriate and/or kissing on the lips in an intimate way. There is nothing inherently wrong about greeting a friend with a kiss on the cheek.
Anyways. I would encourage you to examine your friendship with this priest. It is good to think of him as a married man. It is always a good idea to involve others in the friendship. A friendship between just the two of you can become more emotionally involved than is appropriate for a celibate man. I imagine if you only moved to the area recently, it can be difficult to make new friends and become overly attached to those you do make. If possible, I would try to involve others in this friendship with this priest, especially if he is near your age, it is very likely he is feeling lonely as well and may become too emotionally invested in you as well.
Regarding the other alter server. I have dealt with people like that before, and they are a pain in the you know what when you know they have something in for you, but you have no idea what you did. Honestly the only thing you really can do is ignore him. It is possible he has a problem with female alter servers, but it is impossible to know. Just serve the masses you are offered and maybe find some other ways to get involved with the parish to meet more people your age if you are having trouble fitting in with other servers.
Also, just as a note, it is very possible that you are only receiving part of the story with what happened with your priest friend. It is always possible that his feelings of friendship were becoming too intense, and that is why he was harshly disciplined. Try not to assume anything.
I guess it is a cultural thing, but in my church I often greet priests and others with a kiss on the cheek and I am from the US (but my church has a strong Ukrainian influence, so more European in culture).
I think it is a little uncalled for to refer to it as ‘priest smooching’. Please, give me a break. Smoothing clearly implies something inappropriate and/or kissing on the lips in an intimate way. There is nothing inherently wrong about greeting a friend with a kiss on the cheek.
Anyways. I would encourage you to examine your friendship with this priest. It is good to think of him as a married man. It is always a good idea to involve others in the friendship. A friendship between just the two of you can become more emotionally involved than is appropriate for a celibate man. I imagine if you only moved to the area recently, it can be difficult to make new friends and become overly attached to those you do make. If possible, I would try to involve others in this friendship with this priest, especially if he is near your age, it is very likely he is feeling lonely as well and may become too emotionally invested in you as well.
Regarding the other alter server. I have dealt with people like that before, and they are a pain in the you know what when you know they have something in for you, but you have no idea what you did. Honestly the only thing you really can do is ignore him. It is possible he has a problem with female alter servers, but it is impossible to know. Just serve the masses you are offered and maybe find some other ways to get involved with the parish to meet more people your age if you are having trouble fitting in with other servers.
Also, just as a note, it is very possible that you are only receiving part of the story with what happened with your priest friend. It is always possible that his feelings of friendship were becoming too intense, and that is why he was harshly disciplined. Try not to assume anything.
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thewanderer
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Luvz2travel
Guest
It’s best if your friends with a priest to pass on kissing them. It just looks bad and even though hugging my seem inocent too much of it could be taken the wrong way. The world is always looking for something to talk about why give it to them with a silver bow. All that said I would take a step back and maybe find another parish. Start over and keep in email contact with your friend but keep that to minimal amount. For his sake keep a distance there…think of it as the professional distance you might have with a doctor or councelor.
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underacloud
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For a number of reasons that people have covered in this thread, priests should avoid overly-familiar relationships with women: any women, but especially young single women.
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EasterJoy
Guest
It is platonic to her, but yes, there is definitely something that says that priests and other male staff members at a Catholic church should not be kissing 19 year old women. It does not matter if there are many women in the parish that a man is kissing, and if they are not elderly, it does not matter what their ages are. Even if his own designs are not inappropriate, he is setting up an opportunity for a man whose designs are not so innocent, because his example normalizes the behavior.
These little “platonic” ventures into physical displays of affection are how priests (and other men not their husbands, for that matter) who are hiding bad intentions identify women who are possibly willing to be a lot more than platonic…young women, women who are vulnerable because they’re going through a divorce or are new to the parish, women who are used to having appropriate friendships with priests and don’t see what is coming. The “friendly” bit is how they feign surprise that their advances were “misconstrued.” It is also how they groom women for a jump from platonic to more than platonic when the opportunity presents itself.
This absolutely should not be considered normal behavior, because it can turn in to something that the young woman never intended. She is swimming in waters where predators swim. She should not be so arrogant as to think that she can tell a predator from someone who isn’t. She can’t. It could also be presenting a near occasion of sin to a man who really deserves to be helped in keeping his vows. She needs to see that she and her friend unfailingly follow the guidelines that the bishops have set up to protect the vulnerable from sexual predators, and if she has not had the training, she needs to get it.
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EasterJoy
Guest
Yes!
The Catholic Church has had to change a lot of things since the bishops have disclosed the files of priests who racked up serious violations against the trust of the faithful. These priests unfortunately used “smooching” and the reaction it garnered them as one method to identify targets. The methods aren’t specific to priests, but the position of trust makes the methods far less likely to be suspected. A priest can do things that, let us face it OP, would give you the creeps if a man you did not trust so automatically had tried the same thing with you. A priest seems like an uncle or a member of the family, but he is not…and even members of the family are sometimes (as one of my childhood friends unfortunately found) not always what the present themselves to be.
IOW, we are now aware of the ways that physical displays of affection can be used by the unscrupulous to “do research” about possible targets for future advances. Those opportunities simply cannot be allowed, because as hard as the bishops try, even they cannot identify every would-be predator in advance. They can’t afford to “find them out” by allowing some member of the faithful to be violated. More than that, a priest who avoids these kinds of behaviors is far less likely to have credible accusations against him. None of us wants a priest we know to go through that. Even if the accusation is not found to be credible, the priest has to go through h*** in the meantime over a misunderstanding that did not have to happen. That is why so much care has to be taken.
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quiet52
Guest
OP, greet the priest warmly and casually shake his hand, like most other people do. Do not endeavor to be any more special with him than anyone else is. For his sake, and perhaps for your sake considering it’s become an issue. Warmth and enthusiasm are important, and it sounds like you respect your pastor, but be more “professional” than friendly as a volunteer. We need to respect the boundaries of our clergy, considering the climate of suspicion they are serving in.
I am sorry to hear that you’ve been disrespected by the other head altar server. Unfortunately, just as outside the Church, there are bullies serving in the Church. Keep a detailed record if he harasses you in any way. Always do your best to treat him with kindness and respect, and pray for him. If there are several incidents, talk with someone wiser than you, to help discern if the behaviors are indeed harassment and not just rudeness, and whether he should be reported.
I am sorry to hear that you’ve been disrespected by the other head altar server. Unfortunately, just as outside the Church, there are bullies serving in the Church. Keep a detailed record if he harasses you in any way. Always do your best to treat him with kindness and respect, and pray for him. If there are several incidents, talk with someone wiser than you, to help discern if the behaviors are indeed harassment and not just rudeness, and whether he should be reported.
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Altargirl
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Thank you to everyone so far for your help and advice.
There seems to be a general concern that my friendship with the priest is overly affectionate- and that I need to be careful, particularly because he only treats me in this way, and with the atmosphere being as tense as it currently is.
I have also found that a lot of people on here seem to be indirectly implying that I’m the one who initiates the contact, and that I should prevent from doing so for ‘sake of his reputation…and possibly yours’. For those who seem to be suggesting that my friend is more important and special than me, he is not, because we are both equal and it is often himself who initiates the contact, and I reciprocate. I’m sure if our affection looked suspicious or potentially excessive, other people would have commented on it by now, rather than just the individual who has been resentful of me since day one.
I appreciate this concern, but I will reiterate that in the past 6 years of me being Catholic, I have found it normal for priests, whether resident or visiting, to greet parishioners/ friends in a physically affectionate way. There doesn’t seem to be any suspicion where I live that a kiss on the cheek is implying anything further than platonic affection, but rather it is a nice way to greet people.
There seems to be a general concern that my friendship with the priest is overly affectionate- and that I need to be careful, particularly because he only treats me in this way, and with the atmosphere being as tense as it currently is.
I have also found that a lot of people on here seem to be indirectly implying that I’m the one who initiates the contact, and that I should prevent from doing so for ‘sake of his reputation…and possibly yours’. For those who seem to be suggesting that my friend is more important and special than me, he is not, because we are both equal and it is often himself who initiates the contact, and I reciprocate. I’m sure if our affection looked suspicious or potentially excessive, other people would have commented on it by now, rather than just the individual who has been resentful of me since day one.
I appreciate this concern, but I will reiterate that in the past 6 years of me being Catholic, I have found it normal for priests, whether resident or visiting, to greet parishioners/ friends in a physically affectionate way. There doesn’t seem to be any suspicion where I live that a kiss on the cheek is implying anything further than platonic affection, but rather it is a nice way to greet people.
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Joy2day
Guest
This is a shame - it really is a lose lose situation all round. Priests cannot be friends with women, or boys, & maybe dogs… & vice versa & anyone who has inadvertently become involved in an unfortunate situation can never again be trusted - by anyone: regardless of whether it was the priest’s fault or the other’s involved. The stigma remains & is spread via gossip. And so to avoid the inevitable isolation of such a perceived scandal - we isolate the potential ‘scandal-ees’ now; rdemanding they embrace their isolation sooner rather than later. The pharisees criticised Jesus for associating with drunkards & prostitutes, & they crucified Him for it. But He still did God’s will. St Padre Pio used to say ‘I want everyone to be able to say Padre Pio is mine’.
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hamandcheese
Guest
I’m not sure who is kissing who from this but as a guy I can tell you that any hug’s and kisses that don’t involve a family member need to be avoided! Even if you think its no big deal at the very least it will help avoid this kind of gossip.
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