Bullying in Catholic School - should I tell the parents?

[90Domer]

I read this post and was so sad because we had to pull our son from his Catholic cub scout troop for bullying (the troop is associated with our school’s Catholic school).

My special needs son goes to our public school because he needs the services they provide. However, we thought our church’s troop would be loving and accepting. I couldn’t be further from the truth. Thank goodness that my son was able to tell us that the other boys were being mean.

My husband and in both spoke to the troop leader about this. While it’s too late to change my son’s feelings towards this group, I am hoping our speaking up helps someone in the future.

BTW, our public school has a zero tolerance policy for bullying. They do a fantastic job at character building, something I didn’t see from these mouthy little boys my son had to endure.

 

[StJudePray4Me]

I think the issue with this is that it is hard to set a good example for the kids when many of us adults are guilty of it but we call it a lack of charity.

I second this.

Most of the “mean girls” in my daughters 5th grade class have “mean moms”

Although I agree that schools should take these issues very seriously, I also understand that often, they are dealing with one persons word against another’s. It can be very difficult.

 

[Em_in_FL]

Just continuing to pray for your situation, cuqui… keep us updated on their reaction to the letter!

 

[cuqui]

Sooooo true!!! Today at recess, I had to break up a clique (now correctly spelled) in first grade!!! What’s going on with kids today??? The pastor was not in, so I will try again tomorrow.

 

[cuqui]

I second this.

Most of the “mean girls” in my daughters 5th grade class have “mean moms”

Although I agree that schools should take these issues very seriously, I also understand that often, they are dealing with one persons word against another’s. It can be very difficult.

Children learn by example, so this is so true. Someone once said to me about raising kids, “It’s not taught, it’s caught.”

 

[HouseArrest]

I second this.

Most of the “mean girls” in my daughters 5th grade class have “mean moms”

Although I agree that schools should take these issues very seriously, I also understand that often, they are dealing with one persons word against another’s. It can be very difficult.

Yeah, in my experience the mean girl can’t get very far without help and/or a blind eye from Mom.

What really baffles me are families with one daughter a queen bee and another daughter the tortured one. The talking out of both sides of the parents’ mouths is quite unbelieveable.

In my opinion, though, the girl in the most trouble is queen bee’s side kick. Definitely not where I’d want my daughter to be. I would rather be the parent of the tortured girl.

 

[familyof4]

Wow. Bullying definitely is a problem, no matter where the school is, or the religious affiliation.

My children attend Catholic school as well, and the school has had a bullying problem, but has opted to handle it differently. Here’s a couple of suggestions:

1. Does your school have a counselor? The diocese has one that travels from school to school, so they aren’t on campus all the time. They can work both with children who bully and those who are bullied. There are often underlying issues that adults may not nuance, but will come out in discussions with a trained counselor.
2. The parish office and the school offices have very little overlap-- the nun’s boss probably isn’t the paster but rather someone at the diocese. Send him an email, and request other parents to do the same. Numbers count. When we had a problem with the new principal, several of us wrote the diocese. Issues were handled quickly after that.
3. Just last week, our school had an anti-bullying week long theme. Children do tend to have very bad behavior, which typically peaks around 7th or 8th grade-- it is really important that the younger grades learn that unChristian behavior will not be tolerated.

Good luck, and remember-- if the principal tries to intimidate you, that’s another form of bullying and you shouldn’t put up with it.

 

[1concernedmom]

We have been dealing with this problem for 2 years in a Catholic School and we’re sad to say we’re tired of it and moving on at the end of the year. If I had my way, we’d be leaving right now.

We have a group of boys in 5th grade that do nothing but rub their penises in the cafeteria and ask other boys to perform sex acts on them. This is at lunch when K-5 kids are present. I kid you not.

This started last year with one boy talking about girls like this and has now progressed to boys. It is literally the entire 5th grade group of boys with the exception of my son. He has tried to tell them to knock it off but he is now viciously bullied for speaking out.

I tried to get the school involved last year and all that happened was retaliation bullying, with the school claiming we were the ones doing the bullying and that the kids were “doing fine”.

This year, the same thing is happening all over again. The principal and some of the teachers are pretty much just there. One teacher told me that this was normal behavior for this age boys. I went ballistic on her and said it was absolutely not normal, especially in a Catholic School. The principal just quietly tells the boys that this is private talk and they shouldn’t be doing it in the cafeteria. Another teacher called our son a baby and said he should toughen up. The Headmaster said that they all just need to learn to get along and our son should learn to deal better with other people.

This has hurt our families faith in the Catholic Church. We feel like the only sane people in an insane world.

 

[cuqui]

Dear 1concernedmom,

I have to agree with MonicaD. Even though we have plenty of financial support for our church, sure I felt so let down and betrayed. And yes, I did write the letter (read the thread) to the pastor, handed it to him and while he read it, I sat in his office. Mind you, when I walked into his office, I couldn’t even talk!! I was that upset. I just handed him the letter containing specifics of kids stealing, intimidating,hitting, blackmailing and keeping other kids out of groups. That included my daughter as victim.
All he reassured me was that there will be a new principal next year (lay person) and things will be different. No specifics. Too late for us. Last night we went to the parent info night for the middle school of our SD, and the culture was soooo different and positive. Another school parent who is also pulling her child out of the school who sat next to me was amazed how pro-active the culture was about preventing and stopping bullying.

So, I was in the same predicament. It is a tithing parish, and we were just asked to make a pledge of several Ks to build a social center for the parish. Where do I draw the line? I do not know.

I thought about leaving the parish entirely and putting the girls in a CCD program in another parish (at a different state) but I thought that I participate in this parish’s activities like a great bible study, and I had to remind myself that these people (the priest and the nun principal) are also imperfect though they are religious.

 

[petitfleur]

First off, Its easier to ignore a letter than someone coming face to face. I hate to say this but maybe the example you need to set is to pursue this and not back down. Stand with your head up becuase you have done nothing wrong. Lately, in my own community people are turning a blind eye to to many problems hoping they will work themselves out or that someone else will do somthingand they keep getting worse-
I was bullied in a Catholic school myself and nobody stopped it. I was also to ashamed to tell my parents how bad it really is…that is often the case of people being bullied…the shame keeps them from going to a parent. Most of all trust God…you dont know how deep this might run and what is happening to other kids in other grades.

 

[petitfleur]

I wanted to mention that my 4th grade daughter had a problem with another girl. I e-mailed the teacher in the morning about it…she got back to me immediately and said she would talk to the girl…I told her I was concerned about retaliation…she said she had ways of dealing with it and it was dealt with by lunchtime and this situation ahs stopped completly. This girl even showed up at our house with another girl to play and has not had a problem since.(this is public school BTW).
It is rediculouse to think kids have the skills to work out these problems on thier own. Our job is to teach them…not just leave them to thier own devices- sheesh!!!

 

[Elzee]

I am a huge proponent of Catholic Schools but applaud you for moving your daughter to another school . I won’t go into details, but we had a similar problem with our child. We waited until jr. high to switch schools and I regret it to this day. These years are so important in a child’s life - they need to feel and be accepted at school and have friends to socialize with.

I haven’t read every post here so I apologize, but I would suggest telling your pastor. Chances are he will do nothing if he is like most pastors of Catholic Schools I have experienced - very hands off, avoiding any conflict with the principal, teachers, etc. But he needs to know. And to be fair, there is little he can immediately do. I would also talk to the parents, preferably with a teacher and principal in the same room. The parents need to know. I’d also suggest the pastor be there, but again, that may be difficult to arrange.

God bless you!

 

[cuqui]

petitfleur:

First off, Its easier to ignore a letter than someone coming face to face.

Please read my preview posts. I have come face to face a couple of times with the Sr. Principal and the teachers. All I was told that my daughter had to toughen up, thicken her skin and learn to deal with these things herself.

petitfleur:

I hate to say this but maybe the example you need to set is to pursue this and not back down. Stand with your head up becuase you have done nothing wrong.

At some point, I had to take things in my own hands and just make my child’s emotional well-being more important. Money talks, we walk. I took it to the attention of the pastor face to face and all he said was that things will be different next year with a new principal. Not good enough.

 

[1concernedmom]

We haven’t lost out faith in Jesus Christ just the Catholic Church. This has been very tough on us. We were so happy a few years ago with the school and our church that my husband went through the process of becoming a Catholic.

We had one priest, the headmaster, leave the school and eventually the Church altogether because we were told he became so fed up. We then lost the elementary school principal and it’s gone downhill from there. That’s when the trouble began.

I don’t know if the new headmaster, another priest, and the new elementary principal, a non-Catholic retired public school principal, are clueless or what. The headmaster and principal were both told what was going on by me personally last year. We even went as far as writing a letter to every parish priest, as well as the Diocese. Our own priest is the only one who called and offered support to us but then he was transferred to another parish not in our district.

We recently even tried to go to a school board meeting with our concerns but have been told by the secretaries that they only hold private, closed door meetings and parents aren’t even allowed in. Unbelievable.

Our son is becoming more and more withdrawn. He used to be very outgoing and friendly with other kids but even at outside sports, he doesn’t speak much to other kids. He is afraid to go to a new school because this is all he’s known since Kindergarten.

 

[cuqui]

We haven’t lost out faith in Jesus Christ just the Catholic Church. This has been very tough on us. We were so happy a few years ago with the school and our church that my husband went through the process of becoming a Catholic.

We had one priest, the headmaster, leave the school and eventually the Church altogether because we were told he became so fed up. We then lost the elementary school principal and it’s gone downhill from there. That’s when the trouble began.

I don’t know if the new headmaster, another priest, and the new elementary principal, a non-Catholic retired public school principal, are clueless or what. The headmaster and principal were both told what was going on by me personally last year. We even went as far as writing a letter to every parish priest, as well as the Diocese. Our own priest is the only one who called and offered support to us but then he was transferred to another parish not in our district.

We recently even tried to go to a school board meeting with our concerns but have been told by the secretaries that they only hold private, closed door meetings and parents aren’t even allowed in. Unbelievable.

Our son is becoming more and more withdrawn. He used to be very outgoing and friendly with other kids but even at outside sports, he doesn’t speak much to other kids. He is afraid to go to a new school because this is all he’s known since Kindergarten.

Many other parents in our school just “talked” with their feet first. No conversations with the pastor or the principal; some just pull out even in the middle of the school year. I was surprised you could do this here (I’m not originally from here).

My daughter like your son, is starting to have anxiety related behaviors in school like picking her ears unconsciously (as I observed in the library while volunteering).
She’s been in that school since 3 years old pre-K and now she’s ten. I think it’s natural to feel afraid of new schools and not knowing anyone.
The only reassurance I could give her was that there were many kids like her in the school district - with a grade 6 population of 400 kids - who are shy, quiet and bookish and would present opportunities to make new friends; give herself plenty of time to adjust and that for some kids it takes some time to open up. Hopefully this’ll get rid of the anxiety. I’m not too worried…at this point I just think its the lesser of two evils.

I hope that you and your family would remain in the Catholic church though. It’s had many hurdles especially lately with more serious allegations with the clergy, and this is relatively minor compared to that. I’m pretty sure that though you have a strong faith in Jesus, it is not part of his plan to have your son in a school that tolerates lewd acts by 5th grade boys!
I never thought I would put my kids in public school, but when we went to the info night, we were surprised at how the administrators put emphasis on responsibility, respect, acceptance and cooperation on all four levels -school, classroom, individual and community. Not to mention great academics.

 

[1concernedmom]

Sorry, I don’t mean to come across as sarcastic and I appreciate your concern, but I don’t consider the issue of acceptance of bullying in the Catholic Church and in a Catholic School a relatively minor thing.

I think it is all part of the same thing. It’s an ostrich mentality. If the Church hierarchy can’t see it, it simply doesn’t exist (to them at least).

For the Church to simply accept the bullying and sexual harassment of children in 2011 after their recent “hurdles” is unconscionable. Especially in light of all the recent news reports and suicides of children due to bullying.

I’ve decided to not go quietly into the night. I am going around the school’s closed door board meetings and mailing a letter to each and every school board member, who I highly doubt knows what has been going on.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

We have been dealing with this problem for 2 years in a Catholic School and we’re sad to say we’re tired of it and moving on at the end of the year. If I had my way, we’d be leaving right now.

We have a group of boys in 5th grade that do nothing but rub their penises in the cafeteria and ask other boys to perform sex acts on them. This is at lunch when K-5 kids are present. I kid you not.

This started last year with one boy talking about girls like this and has now progressed to boys. It is literally the entire 5th grade group of boys with the exception of my son. He has tried to tell them to knock it off but he is now viciously bullied for speaking out.

I tried to get the school involved last year and all that happened was retaliation bullying, with the school claiming we were the ones doing the bullying and that the kids were “doing fine”.

This year, the same thing is happening all over again. The principal and some of the teachers are pretty much just there. One teacher told me that this was normal behavior for this age boys. I went ballistic on her and said it was absolutely not normal, especially in a Catholic School. The principal just quietly tells the boys that this is private talk and they shouldn’t be doing it in the cafeteria. Another teacher called our son a baby and said he should toughen up. The Headmaster said that they all just need to learn to get along and our son should learn to deal better with other people.

This has hurt our families faith in the Catholic Church. We feel like the only sane people in an insane world.

I hadn’t checked in on this thread for a week or so, so I’m just reading your post for the first time. And I was like this

as I read it.

Normal behavior. Well, maybe it is, in this over-sexed and debauched culture we live in, but isn’t a CATHOLIC school supposed to hold higher standards and hold to a stricter moral code than the WORLD???

Where are the teachers in the cafeteria when this is going on? Does the school want to be sued when one of the little kids goes home to Mommy and Daddy and tells about this “show and tell” going on in the cafeteria?? “Private talk??” Asking another boy to perform a sex act is deviant, not “private talk!!!” That would apply if a 5th grade girl was discussing her menstrual cramps loudly enough for others to hear, maybe. Not making sexual gestures and talking about homosexual acts!!!

The headmaster needs to get to the bottom of this and quickly. I have seen similar responses because the people involved are too intimidated to deal with the situation, and the end result is going to be a lot of negative publicity because if some younger kid is attacked or even just displays similar behavior, the brown stuff is going to hit the fan and the parents could even go to the media with their story.

I think you are doing the right thing by talking directly to the Board members. Mail your letters “return receipt requested,” so you know they have received them. And then follow up with a phone call if you don’t hear from them within 2 business days. I am not a person who advises people to get legal representation but if I didn’t hear from someone with a real plan to deal with this, I would contact a lawyer and begin proceedings. Your son should not have to go through this and be told that HE needs to get along with others better, or that HE needs to “toughen up.” Yeah, toughen up your bank account, parish school, because you’ll need it when the lawsuit gets filed.

p.s. This really has nothing to do with the Catholic Church, though. It happens in many schools and churches and other organizations. The denial of things like this is not limited to Catholics. Not at all.

 

[maryjk]

Sorry, I don’t mean to come across as sarcastic and I appreciate your concern, but I don’t consider the issue of acceptance of bullying in the Catholic Church and in a Catholic School a relatively minor thing.

I think it is all part of the same thing. It’s an ostrich mentality. If the Church hierarchy can’t see it, it simply doesn’t exist (to them at least).

For the Church to simply accept the bullying and sexual harassment of children in 2011 after their recent “hurdles” is unconscionable. Especially in light of all the recent news reports and suicides of children due to bullying.

I’ve decided to not go quietly into the night. I am going around the school’s closed door board meetings and mailing a letter to each and every school board member, who I highly doubt knows what has been going on.

You mean a Catholic Church. Not THE Catholic Church. I am sure THE Catholic Church knows nothing about bullying in your local school.

Instead of mailing a letter, go to the meeting. There has got to be a way to get your name on the agenda. A letter may just end up in the circular file, but if you are there in person, they will have to listen to you.

We have a group of boys in 5th grade that do nothing but rub their penises in the cafeteria and ask other boys to perform sex acts on them. This is at lunch when K-5 kids are present. I kid you not.

Are there no adults in the room? Does no one see this? Isn’t there another parent that could join you in your quest?

 

[1concernedmom]

You mean a Catholic Church. Not THE Catholic Church. I am sure THE Catholic Church knows nothing about bullying in your local school.

Instead of mailing a letter, go to the meeting. There has got to be a way to get your name on the agenda. A letter may just end up in the circular file, but if you are there in person, they will have to listen to you.

Are there no adults in the room? Does no one see this? Isn’t there another parent that could join you in your quest?

Yes, sorry, I meant our Catholic Church and Diocese. I understand that this is a problem with the PEOPLE involved, not THE Catholic Church.

The issue of going to a meeting is something else. We can’t go to a meeting because the dates and times aren’t available. We were told in no uncertain terms that they are closed meetings, period.

As to adults in the room, there has only been one, which is amazing considering they have about 200 K-5 kids there at one time. With the previous principal, she and several teachers were always in the room circulating. The previous principal was Catholic and had gone to Catholic School herself and didn’t put up with any misbehavior. When she left and they hired a new principal, a retired public school principal that is not Catholic got the job. I find myself wondering if this the issue. The new principal doesn’t know the teachings of the Catholic Church, nor does she have any experience in a Catholic School. So are the teachings of the Catholic Church regarding sex conflicting with this principal’s personal beliefs? That opens up a whole different can of worms.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Yes, sorry, I meant our Catholic Church and Diocese. I understand that this is a problem with the PEOPLE involved, not THE Catholic Church.

The issue of going to a meeting is something else. We can’t go to a meeting because the dates and times aren’t available. We were told in no uncertain terms that they are closed meetings, period.

As to adults in the room, there has only been one, which is amazing considering they have about 200 K-5 kids there at one time. With the previous principal, she and several teachers were always in the room circulating. The previous principal was Catholic and had gone to Catholic School herself and didn’t put up with any misbehavior. When she left and they hired a new principal, a retired public school principal that is not Catholic got the job. I find myself wondering if this the issue. The new principal doesn’t know the teachings of the Catholic Church, nor does she have any experience in a Catholic School. So are the teachings of the Catholic Church regarding sex conflicting with this principal’s personal beliefs? That opens up a whole different can of worms.

I don’t care where that principal came from. In no way is one person enough to keep track of even 100 kids, let alone 500. Those 5th graders could be having sex in one corner of the cafeteria and she could miss it! Or anything else. Someone should be bringing this before the school Board, and then going up the chain. There is a staffing problem in addition to the lax attitude about vulgarity.

If it were me, I’d be there with my child every day for at least 2 weeks, and I’d correct the little heathen myself. They’d wish they’d been called to the principal’s office when I got done with them.