burnt out

[Cathmomof6]

I am posting this partly to vent and partly to seek perspective. I am a 36 year old mom to 6 young children 11 to 12 months. I have been married for 15 years now. I have been staying at home since my 4th child was born, and my husband does a wonderful job supporting us. I guess I am feeling really burnt out and lonely lately. I have always handled pretty much everything at home. My husband takes out the trash on Sunday. I hate to say this, but I feel he is probably on the lazy/slob side as he always acts like he doesn’t see the mess around him or what needs to be done. Since I stay at home, besides for being slightly bitter at times, I deal with it. However, since my last pregnancy, I have developed hip pain from arthritis I am told, which requires me to limp and makes doing everything while running after a mischievious 4 year old, 2 year old, and 12 month old challenging to say the least.

On top of all this, my husband has this sprint car racing hobby that I just can’t accept. Granted it does not eat up a HUGE amount of time, but it is a lot for a guy with a wife and 6 kids at home. Usually 1-2 entire Saturdays a month during the summer. By myself, I am basically stuck at home as my kids do not behave well enough to go anywhere in public by myself. I also feel that he is risking his well being for some immature hobby since he is the driver. I can’t get past this and find myself being very passive aggressive. I have told him my feelings and he does feel guilty but also won’t stop. Please pray for me. I want to be a good wife.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

It’s time to stop being passive-aggressive and sit down with your husband for a long, serious talk about these issues. The dangerous hobby either stops, or he buys long-term disability insurance and a LOT of life insurance. He’s a father of 6 children that you could not support if he died, or even worse, was permanently disabled. If you can’t get through to him, it’s time for counseling. Actually, come to think about it, no life insurance company is going to touch him as long as he is engaged in a risky sport or hobby. So he’s taking his own life in his own hands and putting his entire family at risk, for what?

Your aim is not to make him feel guilty and as if you are scolding him, but he should be mature enough to recognize when it’s time to make some changes. The fact that he is not truly giving credence to your concern is the most troubling part of your post. No matter what, as your husband he is supposed to be your partner in life, and you don’t do things that give your spouse concern, stress, worry, etc.

Have another talk with him and express your concerns clearly and directly. Ask him how he would provide for his family in the event he had a serious injury like brain damage, where he would be alive yet providing no income and needing expensive care. It happens. And also tell him you need more help from him than just taking out the trash. Is he at least being a good dad?

 

[Annie39]

It’s time to stop being passive-aggressive and sit down with your husband for a long, serious talk about these issues. The dangerous hobby either stops, or he buys long-term disability insurance and a LOT of life insurance. He’s a father of 6 children that you could not support if he died, or even worse, was permanently disabled. If you can’t get through to him, it’s time for counseling. Actually, come to think about it, no life insurance company is going to touch him as long as he is engaged in a risky sport or hobby. So he’s taking his own life in his own hands and putting his entire family at risk, for what?

Your aim is not to make him feel guilty and as if you are scolding him, but he should be mature enough to recognize when it’s time to make some changes. The fact that he is not truly giving credence to your concern is the most troubling part of your post. No matter what, as your husband he is supposed to be your partner in life, and you don’t do things that give your spouse concern, stress, worry, etc.

Have another talk with him and express your concerns clearly and directly. Ask him how he would provide for his family in the event he had a serious injury like brain damage, where he would be alive yet providing no income and needing expensive care. It happens. And also tell him you need more help from him than just taking out the trash. Is he at least being a good dad?

Cathmom, I did not read the name of the person who wrote the above advice before I read the advice but I should have known that it was TRJ. IMHO she has been given a gift of much wisdom. The advice above is is truly sage I would listen to it.

Annie

 

[GRATEFULONEjim]

Cathmom, I did not read the name of the person who wrote the above advice before I read the advice but I should have known that it was TRJ. IMHO she has been given a gift of much wisdom. The advice above is is truly sage I would listen to it.

Annie

Agreed:thumbsup:

 

[marlap2]

I agree as well. TRJ has almost always had sage wisdom Thank you Holy Spirit, for your aid in our lives, and for blessing open hearts with your gifts.

Know that you have my prayers today, for strength of mind. You are already strong in so many other ways, don’t be afraid, for He is with you. His strong arm is at your side, and the inspiration of the Holy Spirit can be your guide. Blessed Mother, help this woman in her daily struggles, and bless her with your protective mantle.

I pray and ask for St. Joseph to pray for your husband as well, and I’ll be praying for him.

Amen.

 

[cheezey]

my husband does a wonderful job supporting us.

re:TRJ; :yup:

re: your husband’s ability to support; how about hiring some help? minding the kids a bit, minding the house a bit? Not that he couldn’t still help with that himself as well…

 

[Ohana]

I agree with the above, especially TRJ. Also, If you two can afford his rather expensive hobby (in money and time) then you can afford maid service once a week or so, occasional day care for the little ones so you can get out with friends also. You need support and probably some female support as well as from your husband. Go for it.

Prayer is also an important means of help. Can you get to an occasional daily Mass if your husband stays with the kids?

 

[Linusthe2nd]

I am posting this partly to vent and partly to seek perspective. I am a 36 year old mom to 6 young children 11 to 12 months. I have been married for 15 years now. I have been staying at home since my 4th child was born, and my husband does a wonderful job supporting us. I guess I am feeling really burnt out and lonely lately. I have always handled pretty much everything at home. My husband takes out the trash on Sunday. I hate to say this, but I feel he is probably on the lazy/slob side as he always acts like he doesn’t see the mess around him or what needs to be done. Since I stay at home, besides for being slightly bitter at times, I deal with it. However, since my last pregnancy, I have developed hip pain from arthritis I am told, which requires me to limp and makes doing everything while running after a mischievious 4 year old, 2 year old, and 12 month old challenging to say the least.

On top of all this, my husband has this sprint car racing hobby that I just can’t accept. Granted it does not eat up a HUGE amount of time, but it is a lot for a guy with a wife and 6 kids at home. Usually 1-2 entire Saturdays a month during the summer. By myself, I am basically stuck at home as my kids do not behave well enough to go anywhere in public by myself. I also feel that he is risking his well being for some immature hobby since he is the driver. I can’t get past this and find myself being very passive aggressive. I have told him my feelings and he does feel guilty but also won’t stop. Please pray for me. I want to be a good wife.

I’m an old man. Tell your husband for me, he is a selfish, overgrown juvenile, and it is time he grew up - past time. Tell him I had a good friend whose son ( about your age ) was killed in a sprint car race. So that is no idle worry, it is real and happens all the time.

I sympathize with you and will remember you in my prayers. Linus2nd

 

[pentecostbaby]

I agree with all of the above.

Also, I assume you’re doing the parenting, since he’s not here. Are your kids in school? What do you mean that you can’t take them out? That’s not normal. Or healthy. For your own sanity and theirs, you need to step up and manage the behavior so you can all get out.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Most of what you say sounds reasonable to me, with the exception of objecting to your husband having 4.5 days of recreation time a year. That 4.5 days sounds very, very reasonable to me. I don’t think the problem is that he has 4.5 days, I think the problem is you maybe don’t have 4.5 days!

Marriage is about give and take and mutual self-sacrifice.

When you talk to him about this:

-Express how you feel.

-Ask him how he feels and genuinely listen.

-You want things. We get that. We all do. Chances are, he wants some things too. That’s where I think you’re really lacking here. Develop compromises and solutions. If you force him to quit this hobby and replace it with nothing, that’s a tad better from your perspective, but much worse from his perspective… and then he’s burnt out just like you are. The goal should be: neither of you are as burnt out as you were before!

E.g., he’ll quit the hobby because he understands the dangers involved, but in exchange he wants a day of “rec time” per month where he gets to go out and do something less dangerous… you watch the kids.

He’ll hire a maid to come in and clean once a week or once every week, making your life easier.

Then maybe 1 day a month you have a “date night.” Hire a sitter and go get a meal and watch a movie together or something.

Etc. These are just thoughts, it’s obviously up to you.

I’m telling you straight what none of these other posters are telling you: if you go to him with a demand that he simply ceases his recreation and replaces it with nothing, you are not going to get anywhere! You wouldn’t get anywhere with me, I know that for sure!!!

So be creative: tell him what you want, find out what he wants and figure out how you can work together to make that possible. If you ask him to make a sacrifice then you should be willing to do so as well, and vice versa. But I think there are ways where you can each make “less” of a sacrifice to get what you want - e.g. babysitter, maid, etc.

 

[cheezey]

I don’t think anyone is begrudging husband’s time spent on the hobby. Time spent isn’t much at all.
Some are wondering about the dangerous aspect of his hobby, and
if time spent on hobby isn’t much then he could help the wife a bit more.
That’s my impression, anyway…
Burnt out/Cathmom, I think you should have, above and beyond maid/child services, triple time per month for spa days. At least…
Just my opinion…

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

I don’t think anyone is begrudging husband’s time spent on the hobby.

Yes:

Cathmomof6:

it is a lot for a guy with a wife and 6 kids at home.

Time spent isn’t much at all.

Agreed, that is not the problem.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I’m telling you straight what none of these other posters are telling you: if you go to him with a demand that he simply ceases his recreation and replaces it with nothing, you are not going to get anywhere! You wouldn’t get anywhere with me, I know that for sure!!!
.

Veritas, I don’t believe you. If you were engaged in a sport or leisure activity that might result in you ending up permanently disabled, even if that risk were something you were willing to take, and your wife was concerned and wanted you to find some other hobby, you would ignore her? I don’t believe it.

Unless her husband is an overgrown teen, he’s got to recognize that his status in life has changed. As a father of 6, he’s not able to just think of what he wants to do, but what will bring the most benefit and the least risk to his family. Time to grow up some more and put the road rally helmet away.

 

[Cathmomof6]

Thanks for all of your advice. I would like to comment on a few things. First, I have talked to him about this, and he definitely knows my feelings regarding the racing issue. I know he feels guilty but is torn because his brother is in this with him. He always wants to make everyone happy, but it seems when something has to give, it is usually me because he knows I will always come around. I know he deserves time to get out too, and I have no issue with that. The problem is that these races are only on Saturdays so essentially that whole day he is gone, they don’t usually get home until 1 am or so, and then of course it all needs to be fixed the next day on Sunday. (And 1 or 2 days a month is essentially every other weekend give or take)

As far as life insurance goes, he handles that for the most part, and, unfortunately, I should be more familiar with the specifics. He just recently increased our policies, and we do pay way more than I feel most people do in premiums. Sometimes I think he wants me to be a millionaire if he dies. He takes good care of us. Now as far as disability goes, I should find out more about that but I think he has it covered!

Counseling would never fly with my husband. I think it could help because communication is such an issue with us. I know even if I try to sit down and communicate this again with him in a non-confrontational way, I will still say something that he takes the wrong way. And then there is the issue of finding a babysitter and people knowing what we are doing. Social stigma I guess? Don’t want anyone to know anything is less than perfect.

And the comment about something being wrong because I can’t go out in public with 6 kids by myself. Really? I know my kids have “behavior issues” at times, but is that abnormal? Have you ever went out with kids 11, 10, 7, 4, 2, and 12 months by yourself? We get stared at if they are good. The older ones can be helpful at times but they can also fight with each other like crazy. My 4 year old and 2 year old are so hard to keep from running off, especially when I have a baby to hold and a bad hip. It is so much work that I usually just end up staying home.

I have started getting massages every other week, but mostly for therapeutic reasons because they do seem to help me walk better for a little while. She spends a lot of time on my hips, and they are great stress relievers.( But kind of makes me feel like a pampered princess.) My mom used to clean every other week, but my husband was never fully on board with that, and I always felt guilty so we stopped.

Thank you for your prayers! The hip thing has really been getting me down. Prior to my last pregnancy, I was running 30 miles a week! I am trying to get to 6:30 mass on Thursdays if we don’t have any baseball games or other commitments. That church has a cry room so I can even go if my husband is still working or elsewhere. Then I take the kids for ice cream. I almost always have some prayer time in the morning using my Word Among Us and try to say a daily rosary. I know our Lord is always with me, but I would really like to grow spiritually so I can handle things better and be the best wife and mom that I can be.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thanks for all of your advice. I would like to comment on a few things. First, I have talked to him about this, and he definitely knows my feelings regarding the racing issue. I know he feels guilty but is torn because his brother is in this with him. He always wants to make everyone happy, but it seems when something has to give, it is usually me because he knows I will always come around. I know he deserves time to get out too, and I have no issue with that. The problem is that these races are only on Saturdays so essentially that whole day he is gone, they don’t usually get home until 1 am or so, and then of course it all needs to be fixed the next day on Sunday. (And 1 or 2 days a month is essentially every other weekend give or take)

As far as life insurance goes, he handles that for the most part, and, unfortunately, I should be more familiar with the specifics. He just recently increased our policies, and we do pay way more than I feel most people do in premiums. Sometimes I think he wants me to be a millionaire if he dies. He takes good care of us. Now as far as disability goes, I should find out more about that but I think he has it covered!

Counseling would never fly with my husband. I think it could help because communication is such an issue with us. I know even if I try to sit down and communicate this again with him in a non-confrontational way, I will still say something that he takes the wrong way. And then there is the issue of finding a babysitter and people knowing what we are doing. Social stigma I guess? Don’t want anyone to know anything is less than perfect.

And the comment about something being wrong because I can’t go out in public with 6 kids by myself. Really? I know my kids have “behavior issues” at times, but is that abnormal? Have you ever went out with kids 11, 10, 7, 4, 2, and 12 months by yourself? We get stared at if they are good. The older ones can be helpful at times but they can also fight with each other like crazy. My 4 year old and 2 year old are so hard to keep from running off, especially when I have a baby to hold and a bad hip. It is so much work that I usually just end up staying home.

I have started getting massages every other week, but mostly for therapeutic reasons because they do seem to help me walk better for a little while. She spends a lot of time on my hips, and they are great stress relievers.( But kind of makes me feel like a pampered princess.) My mom used to clean every other week, but my husband was never fully on board with that, and I always felt guilty so we stopped.

Thank you for your prayers! The hip thing has really been getting me down. Prior to my last pregnancy, I was running 30 miles a week! I am trying to get to 6:30 mass on Thursdays if we don’t have any baseball games or other commitments. That church has a cry room so I can even go if my husband is still working or elsewhere. Then I take the kids for ice cream. I almost always have some prayer time in the morning using my Word Among Us and try to say a daily rosary. I know our Lord is always with me, but I would really like to grow spiritually so I can handle things better and be the best wife and mom that I can be.

If by “come around,” you mean “give in,” this is not a good thing. He should put you and his family above everyone else, not below.

The life insurance is the minimum he should offer you - it’s still a poor substitute in the case of his death. And you should find out if it will pay out should he die as a result of this hobby of his. My guess is that it won’t. So your husband may not be taking as good care of you as he thinks he is. The worst case scenario is that he gets into an accident in his sprint car and is left permanently brain damaged, but alive. Then he will require extensive care, you have no income, and no life insurance payout either. I know I sound like an actuary, but these risks are just not acceptable for a husband and father of 6 children. Insurance companies are not in the business of covering high-risk activities.

Anyway, that is part of the issue. It is not all of the issue, as you know. The time spent is time he should be spending with his children and you. Being out all day and until 1 am, and then the next day spend fixing what got broken - what happens to the kids and you during this time? The weekends are family time, and obviously, he’s not spending time with his family on the weekends when he’s racing.

I do not like to hear that your husband would refuse counseling. That’s not a mature attitude. There are times when a husband and wife need help with an issue, be it communication or something else. Most men would rather not have to turn to an outside party, but they also recognize when their marriage needs a bit of help. To say that your husband would totally refuse counseling does not speak well of him. And on your part, worrying about a non-existent social stigma is also self-defeating. You don’t have to tell anyone anything, it’s your own business and no one else’s. We’ve been through 2 separate counseling sessions, and no one knew except us.

Would he consider a Marriage Encounter weekend? I have heard that these are very helpful for communication.

 

[nodito]

Is there a YMCA nearby? Ours is very family-friendly, and there are a lot of moms of large families who come and spend the day. There’s a pool, a child-watch room, a game room, etc. Might be a good investment.

What about a large fenced-in playground/park? We have to drive fifteen or twenty minutes to get to one but it’s worth it and I can spend a whole morning there without worrying too much about my little one running off.

Another suggestion, what if you asked for the same amount of time off that your husband gets? Tell him your burnt out and would really like one or two Saturdays a month to yourself. Then go and visit a friend for the day or take a drive to the outlet malls or go on a hike. Even if you bring your youngest along, my guess is that your husband will quickly realize how challenging it is to watch five kids by himself. He may be more sympathetic to your frustration and you’ll gain some valuable time alone.

Can you afford to hire regular help? Either cleaning or child care?

Don’t begrudge your husband’s generous life insurance policy! A million sounds like a lot but it’s very reasonable for needing to support six kids and a wife over the course of their lives.

God bless.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Is there a YMCA nearby? Ours is very family-friendly, and there are a lot of moms of large families who come and spend the day. There’s a pool, a child-watch room, a game room, etc. Might be a good investment.

What about a large fenced-in playground/park? We have to drive fifteen or twenty minutes to get to one but it’s worth it and I can spend a whole morning there without worrying too much about my little one running off.

Another suggestion, what if you asked for the same amount of time off that your husband gets? Tell him your burnt out and would really like one or two Saturdays a month to yourself. Then go and visit a friend for the day or take a drive to the outlet malls or go on a hike. Even if you bring your youngest along, my guess is that your husband will quickly realize how challenging it is to watch five kids by himself. He may be more sympathetic to your frustration and you’ll gain some valuable time alone.

Can you afford to hire regular help? Either cleaning or child care?

Don’t begrudge your husband’s generous life insurance policy! A million sounds like a lot but it’s very reasonable for needing to support six kids and a wife over the course of their lives.

God bless.

A million is not enough with children so young. The house is probably not paid for and there are a lot of expenses ahead with 6 kids going through school and college. He probably needs more, actually.

 

[Cathmomof6]

I have also thought about having him read this thread, but I’m not sure if he would be offended by my saying he only takes out the trash. I know he could do more, but we also have different expectations. I am stressed out by mess and clutter, and I don’t think it bothers him the least. He always tries to take one or more of the kids with him if he can. He coaches little league, tball, and soccer; goes to all their activities; and very often plans special things for me. He is a good guy, and I don’t mean to put him in a bad light. I am very lucky to able to stay home with our children so i try not to complain about the housework. I just get overwhelmed sometimes,

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I have also thought about having him read this thread, but I’m not sure if he would be offended by my saying he only takes out the trash. I know he could do more, but we also have different expectations. I am stressed out by mess and clutter, and I don’t think it bothers him the least. He always tries to take one or more of the kids with him if he can. He coaches little league, tball, and soccer; goes to all their activities; and very often plans special things for me. He is a good guy, and I don’t mean to put him in a bad light. I am very lucky to able to stay home with our children so i try not to complain about the housework. I just get overwhelmed sometimes,

No, don’t have him read this thread. We’re responding to what you’ve told us, and we only get your side of the story, so that’s all we have to work with. He would likely get defensive and be offended that you have turned to strangers on the internet with your concerns.

You have not put your husband in a bad light at all. You have a valid concern about something that might affect your entire family’s future. Is this thread more about the housework, or your husband’s sprint racing? I actually agree with the previous poster who said that if he continues to take 1 weekend a month for his racing, that you should also get a weekend without the kids every month. And I still believe that a risky sport is not what a father of 6 should be doing with his time.

 

[EasterJoy]

I have also thought about having him read this thread, but I’m not sure if he would be offended by my saying he only takes out the trash. I know he could do more, but we also have different expectations. I am stressed out by mess and clutter, and I don’t think it bothers him the least. He always tries to take one or more of the kids with him if he can. He coaches little league, tball, and soccer; goes to all their activities; and very often plans special things for me. He is a good guy, and I don’t mean to put him in a bad light. I am very lucky to able to stay home with our children so i try not to complain about the housework. I just get overwhelmed sometimes,

He’s getting a day every other week when he can get in a race car and spend time with his brother, and he’s not watching any kids when he’s doing that. How many days do you get like that? I mean, how many times do you either go out by yourself or take the one or two kids of your choice to go with you, leaving the rest in someone else’s good hands?

Our Lord took his disciples away to the desert to be alone with him every once in awhile, too. Yes, then he’d see the crowd, and take pity on them, and maybe he came back before he was fully recovered, but he took that time. My mom had eight kids, she took sewing or cooking classes once in awhile with her sister or sister-in-law. Some of my aunts would go to Reno without their kids, once in awhile. Two of my SILs went to garden expos and took flower-arranging classes together. So if you and your husband decide that he needs his time, that’s fine, but you need your own time and you also need your “couple” time.

I’m sure you already have the older ones helping out, but as for the clutter, I knew somebody who had twenty-minute clutter patrol times with her kids. The goal was to have the house so that it was good enough that they could be ready for company in a relatively short amount of time. The bathroom was presentable, the house was presentable. Not perfect, but presentable. Kind of FlyLady sort of thing.