Busy Husband, Tired Wife

[gardenswithkids]

My husband’s gone again this weekend. He was gone last weekend. He’s at events with our children (1 or 2 of them, while I take care of the rest.) My husband is a wonderful guy who does various volunteer work with community and church. He works full-time plus to support our family. When he doesn’t have other weekend or evening obligations, he’s either working late at the office or doing work he brought home. His work has been very busy lately, and with the economy as it’s been I’m very grateful for his job.

I don’t want to complain, but… I want to complain. I feel overwhelmed. My motivation to do the things I normally do is gone. The past few days I’ve made things like canned soup or peanut butter sandwiches for dinner. My husband’s rarely home for dinner lately, (and if he is, he either eats on the run or late after we’ve eaten.) Younger kid seem happy without a big dinner plus a lot of food upset my stomach right now. Baby #8 is on the way. When I am motivated to do things, I get tired easily and can’t do everything I’d like to do.

Plus there are some things that need to be fixed around the house that require my husband’s handyman skills. He can fix most everything, but with his busy schedule he doesn’t have time. There are some things that need to be done and that can’t be done until something gets fixed–and this is really irritating me to wait. If it was up to me alone, I’d replace the broken items but the cost is significant and it would upset my husband if I did that. I anxiously await some very neccesary repairs because some things look neglected around our home and it irritates me to see our home looking like this.

I really wish he’d say no to some of the outside volunteer work he does, and he knows how I feel. But even though I don’t like it, I have mixed feelings when he’s volunteering to do something that also helps our children. Sometimes I’d like to do more volunteer work too, but with his schedule that would disrupt our family. We can’t both be as busy as he is and care for our family, so I stay home. While I’d like to take the remaining children on fun adventures, I’m too tired lately. Plus we have younger children and going out with them usually tires me out even more. When my very busy husband returns home tired, he’s greeted by an exhausted wife in a home that need repairs. Neither the home nor the wife look well cared for these days.

Anyway, whine, whine, whine. I’ve got a great guy that everyone wants.

 

[Stella_Matutina]

This post was good for me to read as a newlywed without children in a double income household. We live in a tiny apartment and are working off our student loan debt. Sometimes I wonder if a woman in the work-force is natural at all because our apartment is a wreck. I have little energy to devote to household chores and caring for my husband. I don’t know how working women do it and have children to raise! I wish I had the energy to make our home a home instead of a … closet? I have fantasies of becoming pregnant and having to quit my job so I can fulfill my true dream of being a homemaker. The grass is greener and I fully expect it to be grace-filled and perfect. But I know that it will be even more challenging than what I am doing now. Hopefully more grace-filled though.
I wonder if that is weird that a work-force wife with no children is jealous of you? But truly you seem blessed (I know you know that.)

But speaking to your concerns- it seems like your marriage needs a boost. Is there anyone who can help with the kids while you two get away for awhile? With God as source of grace: Marriage first, kids second, job/obligations third, volunteering fourth

 

[martysmom]

Everyone is so very busy! Do you find time to pray together, just the 2 of you? Baby number 8 must be exhausting! I am the 11th child (of twins) in my family and I remember Dad being busy and Mom cooking a lot. Any kids in summer camp? Do you have a library near for storytime? Don’t worry about complaining–the grass always looks greener. I can’t have children and would like to step into your life for one day.

 

[jilly4ski]

My prayers go up for you and your family.
I have no advise since I have only been married for 11 months now. But I can sort of sympathize, we have a new baby in the house, but my DH is semi scared of babies. So I often feel overwhelmed.
So know that I and all of us here at CA are praying for you. (Baby #8. Congrats Mama!!!)

Pax,
Jill

 

[Em_in_FL]

UGH, I’m sorry. Life gets so complicated sometimes. Our life is also very busy - and we only have 3 kids. We both work full time, have MASSIVE work to do on the house (I haven’t had a master bathroom for 10 YEARS , it currently serves as our workshop from where DH stages all our other home projects)… and our kids are already sharing a bedroom… we’d love a bigger house, but you can’t sell an unfinished house in this economy!! DH gets home late every night - dinner isn’t until at least 8-8:30pm… that’s just the way it is at our house.
So, you have my sympathy and prayers. (((HUGS)))

 

[gardenswithkids]

This post was good for me to read as a newlywed without children in a double income household. …I wonder if that is weird that a work-force wife with no children is jealous of you? But truly you seem blessed (I know you know that.)

But speaking to your concerns- it seems like your marriage needs a boost. Is there anyone who can help with the kids while you two get away for awhile? With God as source of grace: Marriage first, kids second, job/obligations third, volunteering fourth

Thanks for your reply and insight. It’s been a long time since my husband and I were newlyweds. Dusting the twenty year old cobwebs out of my brain, I recall a crumby little apartment that always seemed to have a fresh flower or two, (usually long stem roses) that my new husband had brought me. Now in our nice big home, the fresh flowers come from my gardens, curtesy of our children, with stems size ranging from 1/4 inches to complete with roots–one extreem or the other. Otherwise, the gifts of flowers from my husband are limited to standard gift-giving holidays like Valentine’s Day and our anniversary.

No, it doesn’t seem weird for a newlywed without children to be jealous of a homemaker with children, if that’s what you hope to be in the future. It does seem weird to me that I’m jealous of my husband’s volunteering–and maybe a little jealous of him too as I’d like to do be able to do some of the things he does, but can’t. And maybe even a little jealous of our kids for getting to spend time with their dad alone. The volunteer activity that currently takes most of his time is one that we used to enjoy doing together. We used to enjoy it as a family too, but my husband’s volunteering takes him away from being with us.

Yes, our marriage should come first, (after God), but right now, it doesn’t feel like it’s that way. He’s not always this busy, but for the past several years his schedule is always a little crazy around this time of year. Then, when he gets a rare free moment to enjoy himself, he wants to do *more *activities–activities I once enjoyed that I no longer find refreshing.

I think we could really benefit from a weekend away together–just the two of us. Somewhere relaxing. The only help available to watch our children is…our children. We have an older adult teen who might be able to do this, if our son’s work schedule allowed. But my husband’s schedule won’t permit this. It’s a good thing we went on a nice honeymoon; we could use one of those again.

 

[gardenswithkids]

Everyone is so very busy! Do you find time to pray together, just the 2 of you? Baby number 8 must be exhausting! I am the 11th child (of twins) in my family and I remember Dad being busy and Mom cooking a lot. Any kids in summer camp? Do you have a library near for storytime? Don’t worry about complaining–the grass always looks greener. I can’t have children and would like to step into your life for one day.

Not much time to pray together right now, at least not on any regular basis. Thanks for the other ideas.

I’m sorry that you’re unable to have children. That would be a difficult cross to bear. I know I am richly blessed. I feel like a little baby for complaining when my life is really very good. I’m sure that much of this is pregnancy hormones and the general tiredness that goes with pregnancy. But it’s also a pattern that developed in our marriage. While we have a good life and a good marriage, I also know it could be better.

 

[gardenswithkids]

My prayers go up for you and your family.
I have no advise since I have only been married for 11 months now. But I can sort of sympathize, we have a new baby in the house, but my DH is semi scared of babies. So I often feel overwhelmed.
So know that I and all of us here at CA are praying for you. (Baby #8. Congrats Mama!!!)

Pax,
Jill

Thanks for the prayers and sympathy. Congratulations on your baby too.

FYI, in my experience, most men get better with babies once the babies get old enough to play.

 

[gardenswithkids]

UGH, I’m sorry. Life gets so complicated sometimes. Our life is also very busy - and we only have 3 kids. We both work full time, have MASSIVE work to do on the house (I haven’t had a master bathroom for 10 YEARS , it currently serves as our workshop from where DH stages all our other home projects)… and our kids are already sharing a bedroom… we’d love a bigger house, but you can’t sell an unfinished house in this economy!! DH gets home late every night - dinner isn’t until at least 8-8:30pm… that’s just the way it is at our house.
So, you have my sympathy and prayers. (((HUGS)))

Thanks. Prayers, sympathy and hugs for you too. Home improvement projects can be very stressful and disruptive to life.

 

[leonie]

Wow. I just typed a huge response and it just disappeared. I can only imagine I was giving horrible advice and God was saving my post!!

My best advice is to schedule a party, then dh might be motivated to do some work on the home.

Otherwise, take out some light bulbs and throw a blanket over whatever is bother you.

It’s hard to be pregnant, isn’t it? God bless.

 

[lovemysix]

Don’t feel bad about complaining! It’s HARD being pregnant, running the household, and feeling that your husband is never home.

Have you sat down with your husband and told him you feel your marriage is being put on the back burner? Does he value your marriage the same way you do? I have found that most men don’t intuit nearly as much as we women do and usually need us to tell them very clearly how we feel and exactly what we need.

The reality is, his first duty (after God) is toward you and your family. Volunteer activities are nice, but not if it is causing you to neglect your wife’s and family’s needs. There will be plenty of time for volunteering when the kids are older; then you two can volunteer together.

And while I can see your point that you feel it is good for your kids to volunteer with your husband, I am a very firm believer in the notion that the very best thing you can do for your kids is have a happy, strong, and satisfying marriage. Your kids would benefit from seeing your husband put you first, before the volunteer activities.

I’m not saying I think your husband shouldn’t do any volunteer work whatsoever, but I do think some sort of compromise needs to be made so that you feel you are getting what you need. After all, if mama ain’t happy…

Everyone will be just fine with peanut butter sandwiches and canned soup for a while.
Go easy on yourself—it’s hard enough to be pregnant, much harder to be pregnant and have a houseful of children to cook for, clean after, etc. Just get the necessities done, and let go of the rest until you are feeling better.

God bless.

 

[alphabet]

Also in a similar boat with only 3 children, ages 14 mos, 3y, and almost 6y. I also work outside the home. DH started his own business, while he enjoys being his own boss, he works just as much now as ever. He is usually gone at some point during the weekend and he is gone all this weekend.

Middle DS wet the bed the other night and it soaked through to the mattress. After being unable to clean it on my own, I resorted to taking all 3 kids to WalMart today, a half-hour dirve each way, to pick up a Steam Vac. Since we were there, I went ahead and did the grocery shopping, pushing two carts through most of the store. We also stopped to eat lunch while we were in town. I was exasperated by the time we got home. So, I sent the older kids outside to play, put the baby to bed while I put the steam vac together and tried to figure out how to work it to finally clean the mattress. My kitchen is still a mess from breakfast. Needless to say it will be PBJ or leftovers for dinner tonight.

Honestly, I do the best I can. I have found there are nights my kids & DH are perfectly happy if it’s a sandwich or bowl of cereal for dinner. It’s not something we do every night, but sometimes you just need a break.

Have you talked to your husband about his volunteering? I did approach my DH several months ago and let him know I either needed more help around the house or consider hiring a house cleaner. He actually agreed to a house cleaner. I now have someone who comes in once every other week and it has been a great help. I can also call our neighbor’s 16 yo granddaughter to come help out with the kids when I need to.

Best wishes. Hope you find some peace. It can be tough sometimes.

 

[Mark77]

My husband’s gone again this weekend. He was gone last weekend. He’s at events with our children (1 or 2 of them, while I take care of the rest.) My husband is a wonderful guy who does various volunteer work with community and church. He works full-time plus to support our family. When he doesn’t have other weekend or evening obligations, he’s either working late at the office or doing work he brought home. His work has been very busy lately, and with the economy as it’s been I’m very grateful for his job.

I don’t want to complain, but… I want to complain. I feel overwhelmed. My motivation to do the things I normally do is gone. The past few days I’ve made things like canned soup or peanut butter sandwiches for dinner. My husband’s rarely home for dinner lately, (and if he is, he either eats on the run or late after we’ve eaten.) Younger kid seem happy without a big dinner plus a lot of food upset my stomach right now. Baby #8 is on the way. When I am motivated to do things, I get tired easily and can’t do everything I’d like to do.

Plus there are some things that need to be fixed around the house that require my husband’s handyman skills. He can fix most everything, but with his busy schedule he doesn’t have time. There are some things that need to be done and that can’t be done until something gets fixed–and this is really irritating me to wait. If it was up to me alone, I’d replace the broken items but the cost is significant and it would upset my husband if I did that. I anxiously await some very neccesary repairs because some things look neglected around our home and it irritates me to see our home looking like this.

I really wish he’d say no to some of the outside volunteer work he does, and he knows how I feel. But even though I don’t like it, I have mixed feelings when he’s volunteering to do something that also helps our children. Sometimes I’d like to do more volunteer work too, but with his schedule that would disrupt our family. We can’t both be as busy as he is and care for our family, so I stay home. While I’d like to take the remaining children on fun adventures, I’m too tired lately. Plus we have younger children and going out with them usually tires me out even more. When my very busy husband returns home tired, he’s greeted by an exhausted wife in a home that need repairs. Neither the home nor the wife look well cared for these days.

Anyway, whine, whine, whine. I’ve got a great guy that everyone wants.

Perhaps you should encourage him to look for a job that is less demanding, even if you have to give up the $$$$$.

**You and your children are the most precious gifts from God and we get so focused, as men, on providing $ while we may not provide the love and support we should!
**
Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, Ora Pro Nobis Peccatoribus!

mark

 

[Sarabande]

Prayers and hugs for you!!! I can imagine how hard it is for you. As others have asked, have you sat down and really talked with him about how you feel. He may not realize how overwhelmed and neglected you are feeling. You and your children do come first and as much as volunteering is a wonderful, admirable and fulfilling thing, if it is making the family suffer, perhaps it’s time for him to stop - at least for the time being. I’m sure that if you spoke with him, he will understand and some kind of compromise can be made. God bless.

 

[Musician]

I would ask my DH to forego some volunteer work, at least until the baby is born. You sound like you need a break, sweetie…Any chance on getting a mother’s helper (I.E., a teenager from church) to come in and take some of the load off you for a few hours every week? That’s what we did and it was a lifesaver just to be able to go out to dinner ALONE once a month!

 

[whatevergirl]

I agree with the above poster. Your husband is wonderful to take all of this on, but right now, it might be a good idea to lessen some of the volunteer work, and be at home together with you more. My husband works many overtime hours lately…sometimes, I feel lonely, and I miss our together times. Soon, the overtime will stop, so know that ‘this too shall pass.’ I will keep you in my prayers…blessings to you! :hug1:

 

[gardenswithkids]

Thanks to everyone who responded, especially for your prayers, advice and support.

To answer the question several people asked, yes, my husband is quite well aware of how I feel about some of his volunteering. This problem is nothing new. The rest of his volunteering is within reason, but coaching takes an extraordinary amount of his time–usually at the same time when his work is also very busy. I think he has been too busy to realize that his wife felt both neglected and pushed to her limits.

After posting on Saturday, I took my children to the park. I read a good book while they played. It felt good just to get out of the house. By the time we got back, my husband was home. It took a little effort, but I talked him into taking me out on a date. He also bought the part to fix the broken thing in our home that was bothering me the most and got it back into working order. (I told you he could fix almost anything.) At my request, he also read through this thread and we had a chance to talk more about things. He didn’t get any office work done this weekend, but his wife is happier.

My husband will be gone again next weekend to a family event on his side of the family. I’m invited too, but between my pregnancy, my general exhaustion and an assortment of other things, I prefer to stay home. Posting this thread helped me recognize the pattern that extended visits with in-laws usually occur when my tolerance level is low because I’m already tired. I might enjoy those visits with my husband’s parents more if other things with my husband were different, but at this point, I’m not up for an extended visit with my in-laws.

Being married twenty years, there’s more history than I can neatly condense into one post. While I let my husband know how I feel, it doesn’t always affect or change what he does. For example, he knows I don’t want to go next weekend but that won’t stop him from going, and I’m not sure if I would *want *him to stay home with me if he really wants to be somewhere else. He knows how I feel about his volunteer coaching, yet somehow he’s doing that again this year. And if our children are going to play sports, they need a coach so I’m torn over that too…So on and so on.

In any case, things aren’t perfect but we have a good life. Amidst the busy-ness of life, we need to pay more attention to each other and our marriage than we do. Thanks for letting me vent here to sort through these matters. And thanks especially for the prayers.

 

[iluvmybabies]

First allow me to congratulate you on baby number 8! CONGRATULATIONS!!! GOD BLESS! BEAUTIFUL FAMILY!!!

:extrahappy::clapping::bounce:

Secondly allow me to tell you that you are not alone and you are in our prayers!

Thirdly, hon it’s ok to let it out…Seriously! Life itself is overwhelming!!! BUT it’s beautiful and wonderful thanks to GOD…There are so many times I just want to throw in the towel, but God allows me to keep going! I come here to the Forums and everyone helps out in some small way, either reading a beautiful love story and or a wonderful family one…And then when I read something not so wonderful my heart breaks and my prayers are with them…I am sure everyone appreciates being able to share in these small words of comfort with you…I know I hope that things get better for you!

You know your own body and you know how stressing it is to be carrying another child. As beautiful and as wonderful a child is, it takes a lot of energy and work out of mommy to be…Especially with 7 other children!

I feel that way and I only have 3!! I know that my life was a little easier for me when I didn’t have to work and was with my exhusband because at least he was the one providing a roof over our heads…BUT going on 4 years now, been a single mom working and trying to make sure we have a roof over our heads…The stress of being taken to court every so often by my ex to remove child support has been overwhelming these past several years and it’s even worst when I have so many debts I can’t afford to pay…Then I have family overwhelming me, and an ADD child whom I just recently found out about this year… And trying to restart my life with a good friend of mine, well doesn’t help relieve stress when my eldest misses and wishes I was back with her father…I am running around from work to home make sure to make up time with my kids and try and make time for my relationship…Make sure our bills are paid, and food is in the stove…Try to keep house, it gets frustrating. Having tons of health problems, seeing everyone around me losing weight, getting healthy and me gaining more and getting worst. Having hormonal problems, etc…And I am not pregnant!! LOL But let me tell you something, now I can’t have children, have been told by doctor’s, and I always wanted a larger family…All the years I was ignorant about bc and I used them to please my exhusband-non practicing Catholic- really makes me wish I would have had more children…Yes we are struggling and yes it would be even more overwhelming but let me tell you every moment I spend with my kids makes me extremely happy and it doesn’t matter how bad they have behaved…I wouldn’t change them for the world…

I used to be relieved when I didn’t see my husband, he was so self-involved into what he wanted to do that he would rather be out of the house than helping me with the kids…And it was fine with me, less stress for me having to deal with him bickering at me because he had to watch over our children…an infant including…lol

But I see that you are very much in love with your husband and are in need of his affection and attention at this delicate moment of your life…Let me tell you hon the best thing to do is talk to him…Grab him one minute you can catch him and tell him you need to talk…

Yes he’s wonderful for all of his volunteering work but right now you and your delicate state are what’s important especially since baby is almost here!

I have read of a lot of men that would rather be out of the home and be back really late as long as they didn’t have to deal with children…One of my friend’s husband was like that. They have 6 children, and 2 were on the way then…He is Christian and let me tell you dear he was gone all the time. He would come home after dinner once all the children were being cuddled in their beds for sleepy time or in bath time… This woman was going crazy! She was emotionally unstable and overwhelmed…I would take half of the kids with me whenever I would come over to help give her a break…It takes a lot out of a pg woman to raise so many children at once…Sometimes I would stay and help her pick up the house before her hubby would come home…That way he didn’t feel uncomfortable in his own home. I would even help her getting dressed like choosing something attractive for her hubby and help her with make up so she wouldn’t feel so “fat and ugly” like she would tell me she felt…I would remind her I had children too and knew the feelings but that I was alone and at least I was there trying to help her get on her feet and keep on going…

 

[iluvmybabies]

One day I stayed long after she passed out from exhaustion on her bed, I waited for her hubby to be home, my kids were with me and they were ready for bed. I asked him what his problem was…Why he didn’t pick up the phone when we were calling because she was really dizzy and wasn’t feeling well…I had to take her to the hospital that day and needed help with the children because I couldn’t fit them all in my car with mine including…And I couldn’t take her because he wouldn’t pick up the phone… He told me it was choir practice and that he couldn’t be disturbed…I told him she was very ill and needed his help. AND that I couldn’t live there with her because I had my own children to take care of and had to deal with my own husband problems… I told him he was to speak with her and the sooner the better…I even scared him half to death by telling him “what if this was to happen to her?” I know it was wrong but it like woke him up or something…The next morning he took it off, man never took a single day off…Even after his children were born, he was back to work the next day…She called me all happy telling me how it was super quiet around the house, I asked what had happened and then made a comment like “please don’t tell me you got rid of the children?!” She laughed and said “nope my husband did!!” lol…I was like what does that mean? He got a babysitter and decided first thing in the morning to take his wife out…An entire day he spent with her took her to the spa, walked in the gardens around in the parks, and actually talked and talked and talked…He apologized to her and told her he just couldn’t deal with all the noise and the children drama but that he was sorry and wanted to be there…They cried together and then she asked me what I had done to him to make him react…

I told her the truth and she was like “Oh well that’s nice thanks what if you jinx me?!” I was like then it was GOD’s will not mine…But ever since then he volunteers, makes time for church big time, but instead of spending all those hours after work with others, he is teaching his children and praying more often with his family…and helping his wife at the same time. I head she was pg again, but I haven’t spoken to them for a while since I moved from California…But let me tell you they are one blessed family, just like yours…

All you might need to do is just talk to him, and you know what after he hears how you feel maybe things will be a little better for the both of you.

IF that doesn’t work schedule a counseling meeting with your priest…I know many priests are willing to counsel relationships/marriages and maybe that will start helping you both out.

In either case pray dear, pray as much as you can and ask GOD to guide you…
GOD bless and take care…

 

[Sierrah]

Ok I’m not married but the problem seems obvious to me. You feel a bit neglected and overwhelmed. You’rs also expecting another baby so this might be making you feel it all a little more intensely. If I were you I would print out what you posted and show it to your husband or write him a letter expressing how you feel. His family and wife should come before volunteer work. Maybe he just doesn’t understand how strongly you feel about this. Good luck. My prayers are with you.