But what if you don't agree?

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ekblad7

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Dh and I are both Catholic. I am a cradle Catholic and he converted about 6 years ago. We have five beautiful children. I am totally open to life and he is not at all. We currently practice NFP but I’m terrified every month that I will get pregnant. It would make me so happy but I know he would be very upset. I’ve tried to go over the “why” of why he is not open to life right now. I’ve tried to come up with solutions to his fears. What can I do? I pray and pray and pray about this. If God doesn’t want us to have more children I"m OK with that too. I just want to know that I’m doing His will.
 
Certainly know how that feels, My wife and I have 4 kids in 6 yrs of marriage. 😃

We are both open to life, have just begun to practice NFP, and fear a little every month or so. Fear, not because we don’t want another child, but all the other “concerns”. What will family say, can we afford it, my wife’s physical health, etc.

Part of NFP is the daily communication between spouses. Pray together!! Pray together!! pray together!! And talk.
Talk about all things. What you each would like for the future of your family. How to raise the kids. Discipline. Finances. And, what kind of ‘spacing’ of children. Put those things in prayer together.

Remember too, that part of NFP is abstaining. Atleast the first cycle. And all healthy marriages need the practice and virtue of chastity. Sometimes frustraion comes because one wants to enjoys the marital act without the natural end taking place. It becomes, “‘why cant we just enjoy each other?’, sometimes thinking about how others who practice contraception, get to have all the sex wothout really worying, and here I am , married , doing this right, the way I believe God wants me too, and I feel that everytime I have relations with my spouse, another child and all the burdens that come with that.”

Talk about it, listen to what he has to say without you coming to or giving a solution so quickly, just hear what he has to say.

pray for conversions of hearts. Pray for the graces to truly surrender to His Providence.

I hope this helps alittle. :o
 
It does help! Thank you! Especially coming from a man b/c sometimes I feel like I feel like I do because I’m a woman. I have put off communicating with him about it because I don’t want to hear his anti more kids comments. I know I should talk to him about it more often. I guess I feel like if he would just say “yes, maybe more children someday” instead of “never again and if you would “let” me I’d get a vasectamy” That makes me feel awful.
 
Really, set some time side (mutually) to talk about this.
Avoid arguments. You want to hear really what he has to say.
This may be a valid reason to wait alittle (i said MAYBE).
Also, remind yourself and then him that your sexuality and with that your ability to procreate is something that God have given each one of you and that you both surrendered that part of yourselved to each other on your wedding day. “Will you TAKE ME…” remember.
Also, it may help to mention, delicately and with prudence, that to have a vasectomy would be to deny YOU of being a mother again, it would deny who God made you to be, it would deny your youngest child to be a older sibling of another, it would deny HIM of who he is, a MAN, a husband, a Father.

Remind him that a child is not only a gift from God, but a gift that you CAN take to heaven. The car cant go, the house can’t go, monet and jewelry cant go, non of those things can go. But a child will lve past death and in to eternity. Jesus tells us to 'lay for yourself treasures in heaven" children are definitely priceless treasures.

Remember, and remind him that, while you both need to discern the situation, for spacing reasons, that when you lie down together (sex) that you want all of him, everything about him, and him not giving you that chance to conceive (It WONT HAPPEN ALL THE TIME TOO, sO) is to deny you all of himself.

And when you give yourself to him, you want to give him everything of yourself, even the ability to carry his child (should God chose to).

There are many out there who are not able to conceive even ONE child and the Lord has given you both the ablilty to have 5 (so far).

In Christ and MAry Immaculate

Cephas
 
Dear EK.
From perhaps a totally different perspective. I am a single mom of 6. I did not want it this way. I was totally pro-life, but he was pro-sex especially during fertile times. The funny thing was, he was deathly afraid of having to support the kids, it made him stay away from home night after night. Well, now I am doing it alone. I am not afraid, and he does not support us financially at all. But, I have a faith that if God blessed me with them, then as a tree or flower in the garden, He will also"water" and “fertilize” them. And so He has. I could write a book on all the miracles in my life.

For me, I can say it boils down to faith. I personally did not want anymore kids after number 2. But God chose to give me 4 more, and 2 of those are identical twin girls. Money is my least worry, except for college $ and medical insurance. I know that when those times arrive all will be taken care of. (And personally for you, everyone thinks I am 12 years younger than I am and I am healthier and stronger now than I have ever been.) I believe this is a blessing from God for being so faithful to Him.

My only regret is the family that I prayed for and dared to dream of becoming saints one day isn’t exactly that at this time, But you know what? God isn’t finished this story yet. Or yours either.
If your husband is afraid, he is. (Mine was so afraid he ended up in the hospital. And he did not want to talk about it.)
Only God can work with him and only if your husband is pliable. Perhaps, this could be your prayer?
Life is good and God is better. He has it all in His hands, and you will have peace and rest knowing this. This attitude may only be for a season.
Mary
 
Wow! Thanks for that testimony! We are currently going to counseling a couple of times/month and have been blessed to find a wonderful CATHOLIC counselor. That is so huge! She totally believes in NFP and every other value that we have.

Jesse is an absolutely wonderful father. He spends tons of time with our kids and probably more time with our friend’s kids than their own dads do, LOL. He’s not afraid to take them places by himself and has given up a lot to be such a great dad! I’m very lucky in that respect. I know this will all take prayer and time. Thanks everyone for the open and heartfelt replies! Keep them coming!😃
 
My husband and I have been married for 11 years and we have four children 10, 8, 5, 14 mo. and we are done (tubes tied) after the fourth child (emergency c-section and almost loss my life) our doctor said NO MORE and our priest agreed that in this situation we need to follow our doctors advice. I am Catholic and hubby is Lutheran and youngest of 11 kids so I had hoped we might have had more and who knows with adoption but hubby does remind me that he is the one working full time and also a second part time job and I work as a full time mom/wife. It can be very hard for the men if they are the one with the providing on their shoulders, I don’t know if you work outside the home or not? But it can be alot on a man’s mind, make the money, insurance, be a good dad and husband. I believe that NFP is great when you know that financially, emotionally, etc. you can handle it. But my husband has told me that if we have more (via adoption) I can work too outside the home as without a doubt it is expensive raising a family these days, with clothes, food, house pymt.etc, etc. not to mention putting money away for their college, we haven’t even started that yet, yikes!! I totally believe in having as many children as God wants you to have but I also believe that you have to be able to afford them without any form of gov.assistance and provide for their future. My husband had no help from his parents, eleven kids? help with college? They were broker than broke. It was a good life and it was also a hard life. So I can see it from both ends, the part of me that would love to have as many kids as I can and the part that knows it would be very stressful for hubby and the check book, what good is many babies if the marriage is broken? Just my two cents!! 😉
 
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kamz:
My husband and I have been married for 11 years and we have four children 10, 8, 5, 14 mo. and we are done (tubes tied) after the fourth child (emergency c-section and almost loss my life) our doctor said NO MORE and our priest agreed that in this situation we need to follow our doctors advice. I am Catholic and hubby is Lutheran and youngest of 11 kids so I had hoped we might have had more and who knows with adoption but hubby does remind me that he is the one working full time and also a second part time job and I work as a full time mom/wife. It can be very hard for the men if they are the one with the providing on their shoulders, I don’t know if you work outside the home or not? But it can be alot on a man’s mind, make the money, insurance, be a good dad and husband. I believe that NFP is great when you know that financially, emotionally, etc. you can handle it. But my husband has told me that if we have more (via adoption) I can work too outside the home as without a doubt it is expensive raising a family these days, with clothes, food, house pymt.etc, etc. not to mention putting money away for their college, we haven’t even started that yet, yikes!! I totally believe in having as many children as God wants you to have but I also believe that you have to be able to afford them without any form of gov.assistance and provide for their future. My husband had no help from his parents, eleven kids? help with college? They were broker than broke. It was a good life and it was also a hard life. So I can see it from both ends, the part of me that would love to have as many kids as I can and the part that knows it would be very stressful for hubby and the check book, what good is many babies if the marriage is broken? Just my two cents!! 😉
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Your priest let you get your tubes tied?
 
Dh works and I stay at home. I pay all the bills, however. He couldn’t even tell you how much our house and car payments are. I don’t believe in our situation that money factors into this. We are not talking about not being able to afford milk or peanut butter. Fancy dinners out and long vacations, yes, but food, not so much. I know that the Lord will provide. I feel like having and raising these children is God’s calling for us. My parents had two kids and didn’t pay for me to go to college and we weren’t poor by any means. I think it’s good for kids to work through college. I did it and with a child, no less. It made me really appreciate it.

I had a priest tell me that my husband should get a vasectamy after I was pg with our 5th child. He thought it was our 4th and said that 4 was enough. I felt very misled by him. :confused:
 
I also pay all the bills in our home my husband wouldn’t know where to begin and like you we are not hurting for food etc. but fancy meals out or staying in hotels is out right now but we have found alot of fun things like camping and visiting relatives who want us to come and insist on us staying with them, that can all be fun too. (Christopher) Yes, my priest said I was not sinning to have my tubes tied, he did not say (go do it) but I was worried about it being a sin. If you may lose your life to have a baby, I do not believe that is what God wants, what kind of God would want me to leave behind my other children if I die? I had four very bad pregnancies and many miscarriages, each pregnancy I ended up in bed almost the whole time and this last one I almost bled to death and ended up in the hosp. for a week after baby was born, no, I won’t go through that again and my husband almost lost his job taking all the time off from work to take care of me & the kids.

Well, 14mo. old is pulling at my leg waiting to nurse, so I better go and do just that 😉

ekblad7, I’ll add you to my prayer list, I think you and hubby are just at a little bump in the road of life, one of many, God will bring you through and his plans for you will be clear, God Bless!
 
I am shocked to read about priests suggesting surgical contraceptive procedures. Please understand, these measures are always sinful! If anyone is being told this by a priest, you should get correct guideance from another source.
 
kamz-

Im not trying to judge your situation or anything. I was just suprised a priest gave you the OK, when I have seen other priests say “No way” for any reason.
 
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kamz:
…and we are done (tubes tied) after the fourth child (emergency c-section and almost loss my life) our doctor said NO MORE and our priest agreed that in this situation we need to follow our doctors advice.
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Just to add…(and this is not to say that this situation fall under such).

It can be morally acceptable for “tubes to be tied” for extremely medical reasons (i.e., woman’s health). When confronted with two evils and no ‘other option’, then and only then one must choose the lesser of the two evils. Remembering that the intent is NOT an evil one, and that if another option were possible that would have been (or be) the way to go. This is a very tough call, since all options have to be known, then a decision made.

While is maybe heroic (and I think it is) for mom to say, I would rather die and carry another baby than live and not be able to, One has toremember that one has a primary duty to be healthy and care for those children already in existence. And while God can make all things possible (healing, allowing conception and the birth of the child and keeping mom o.k., this last part is not a ‘guarentee’ – remember Rachel giving birth to Benjamin)

So, as I said, " this is not to say that this situation fall under such"
but know that under extreme circumstances, it is allowed (and NOT sinful).
 
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Cephas:
Just to add…(and this is not to say that this situation fall under such).

It can be morally acceptable for “tubes to be tied” for extremely medical reasons (i.e., woman’s health). When confronted with two evils and no ‘other option’, then and only then one must choose the lesser of the two evils. Remembering that the intent is NOT an evil one, and that if another option were possible that would have been (or be) the way to go. This is a very tough call, since all options have to be known, then a decision made.

While is maybe heroic (and I think it is) for mom to say, I would rather die and carry another baby than live and not be able to, One has toremember that one has a primary duty to be healthy and care for those children already in existence. And while God can make all things possible (healing, allowing conception and the birth of the child and keeping mom o.k., this last part is not a ‘guarentee’ – remember Rachel giving birth to Benjamin)

So, as I said, " this is not to say that this situation fall under such"
but know that under extreme circumstances, it is allowed (and NOT sinful).
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The only way this would be morally acceptable is if the medical reason for tying the tubes was unrelated to fertility. I am unaware of any medical reason aside from preventing conception which could be used to justify tying tubes.

In an analysis of the lesser of two evils, one needs to apply the principle of double effect. However, the first point says that the act itself must be morally good or indifferent. The act of contraceptive sterilization is not good or indifferent. It is a clear point Catholic teaching that one must never do something bad even if good may come of it. Certain acts are against nature and can never be the subject of a legitimate moral choice.
 
I understand Christopher, my priest did not give me the ok but he did tell me I was not sinning. If the doctor thought that we could use NFP we would have but even the smallest chance of pregnancy with NFP done right the doctor said No more children. My priest spoke with my doctor . If the mothers life is at risk if she has a baby, then in is not a sin. If I had my tubes tied merely to prevent more babies but no medical reason then it would be seen as a sin. I struggled very hard with this but I did not want to be on any oral birth control. My husband is Lutheran so for him this was a non issue (my wife’s life comes first) not only that, another pregnancy on total bed rest like the four before, who takes care of the children? My husband works full time and another part time, I don’t hardly see him anymore, I think there is a big difference between our situation and couples who for whatever reason simply choose to not have children.
My sister also had a similar issue, with her third pregnancy she developed a blood clot in her leg that almost killed her, the blood clot didn’t go away for a year after her child was born, it was very scarey and the doctor said NO MORE.
But I also know a woman who went against doctors orders of no more and had a massive stroke and now is in a nursing home at age 40 and doesn’t even know her 7 kids when they visit her and her husband has had to take over raising 7 kids by himself, I don’t think that is what God intended. My doctor is Catholic, he knows how I struggled with this and I know he would never ever have told me no more if he was not fearing for my life. I think the Catholic Church needs to define more clearly when it is not a sin to have something drastic like having your tubes tied. I can’t believe that God wants me to risk my life and maybe leave my kids behind to have more babies. Again, I will always struggle with it and I pray about it daily and have asked God’s forgiveness if I have been wrong in this decision and have been wrong to listen to medical advice. Its very hard no matter what. 😦
 
The priest that told me it as OK to get my tubes tied or have dh get a vasectamy was very trusted by myself and my family. When I pointed out that we were in a very davout homeschooling group that really frowned upon any kind of birth control he said “do it and don’t tell them”. :eek: The worst part is that at that time I was kind of a cafateria Catholic and actually considered doing it. I’m SO glad we didn’t, obviously! We didn’t have a medical reason or any other reason other than the fact that dh was raised on a commune with a bunch of liberal hippies who were worried about overpopulation. Obviously it was banged into his head that having more than one or two kids was very bad. Anyway, I also feel this is a bump in the road. It’s just SO hard to take when I am so ready to have a million kids! 😉

Thanks for all the wonderful replies. Bless you all!
 
Thank you Ham1,

SInce having my tubes tied ironically, I have had two people tell me that someone in their family had tubes tied and 10 years later found themselves pregnant. As far as I’m concerned, If I still ended up pregnant again, I would totally accept that as God shouting to me, your not done yet!!

It was such a hard decision for me to tie my tubes, it is every day of my life, I will probably always be second guessing myself and that is when I pray, pray and pray some more.
It helps that my doctor understood my faith, was also Catholic and consulted our priest so that he too knew what a serious situation this was.
 
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kamz:
Thank you Ham1,

SInce having my tubes tied ironically, I have had two people tell me that someone in their family had tubes tied and 10 years later found themselves pregnant. As far as I’m concerned, If I still ended up pregnant again, I would totally accept that as God shouting to me, your not done yet!!

It was such a hard decision for me to tie my tubes, it is every day of my life, I will probably always be second guessing myself and that is when I pray, pray and pray some more.
It helps that my doctor understood my faith, was also Catholic and consulted our priest so that he too knew what a serious situation this was.
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Hugs to you! I’m sure you made a very prayerful decision that is ultimately between you and God. We did not have medical reason for such an act so I really feel that it would have been a sin.
 
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