Can a man and a woman "just be friends?"

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LostChemist said:
My experience with the religus issue is it seems that some people are brought up with a set of rules of how a man and woman should behave in public. I am a happily married man and my wife doesn’t have an issue with me being friends with women. We have a healthy marriage based on love and trust. However, there have been many Christian females that have this idea that they cannot be friends with a married man. This is somehow taboo. I have a Catholic friend that is really dear to me and this has caused much more drama then I care to deal with and almost ended our friendship. She still lives with her parents who are devote Catholics and they have a problem with me and her doing pretty much anything together. They firmly believe that we shouldn’t be friends because I’m married. Now, my wife has met her and there has never been a danger of going past more than friends. I understand that and so does she. In the beginning though, she was very skiddish around me for those reasons. She’s not the only one in fact. There have been many females that wouldn’t be friends with me simply based on this fact. For example, while I was still an undergrad in college I was taking an ethics class where this student brought up some great points. After class I asked her if she would like to go and grab a cup of coffee and the vendor a few feet away to further discuss her viewpoints. She flat out looked at me and said that she couldn’t have coffee with me because I was married. I tried to tell her that I was just looking to talk about class and still she said that it would be inapproporiate and walked away. She even made it a point to sit further away from me in class. I have seen this on too many occasions!
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I wonder if your wife is really as comfortable with it as she says.
Does she has as many male friends as you have female friends, are these attractive and does she meet them alone, like you obviously do with your female friends?

Jealousy is a natural human trait, and to some extent its healthy. I know in todays societies people are supposed to act like they are “the lonely wolf who doesn’t really need anyone and who is in control”… but the fact is that feelings get hurt and hearts get broken.
You might really be cool as you say, but how do you know that your female friends are not attracted to you, or that one of your wives male friends has feelings for your wife?

I would question the character of anyone, man or woman, who thought it was prudent and fine to have private appointments with married men or women. You should ask yourself if you are the one who has some illusion of invulnerability. it seems you are
playing with fire and disregarding human fallen nature.

A married person should have friends of their own sex, or the single friends should be friends of the couple together… meetings should be together.

I think you are fooling yourself. At least I have never had a relationship where there wasn’t a feeling of hurt or jealousy or uneasiness if one person spoke at length with someone else alone. Especially the men tend to be jealous and naturally feel the threat of intruders.
 
GraceDK said:
I wonder if your wife is really as comfortable with it as she says.
Does she has as many male friends as you have female friends, are these attractive and does she meet them alone, like you obviously do with your female friends?

Jealousy is a natural human trait, and to some extent its healthy. I know in todays societies people are supposed to act like they are “the lonely wolf who doesn’t really need anyone and who is in control”… but the fact is that feelings get hurt and hearts get broken.
You might really be cool as you say, but how do you know that your female friends are not attracted to you, or that one of your wives male friends has feelings for your wife?

I would question the character of anyone, man or woman, who thought it was prudent and fine to have private appointments with married men or women. You should ask yourself if you are the one who has some illusion of invulnerability. it seems you are
playing with fire and disregarding human fallen nature.

A married person should have friends of their own sex, or the single friends should be friends of the couple together… meetings should be together.

I think you are fooling yourself. At least I have never had a relationship where there wasn’t a feeling of hurt or jealousy or uneasiness if one person spoke at length with someone else alone. Especially the men tend to be jealous and naturally feel the threat of intruders.
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Maybe it is different among those of us who have worked with people of both genders, or those of us who met later in life and had to get used to our mates having friends of both genders. I think when you get used to there being friends in your spouse’s life who were just friends for long periods when a romance was an option for both of them, it gets you used to the idea that this is possible.

My husband does not spend a lot of time “alone” with his female friends, though. He doesn’t go over to their homes and spend time with them in private, and neither do I do that with male friends. We meet in public places where anyone we know might see us, and we do let our spouses know that the lunch is happening, that they are invited, etc. It is also not very often for any one person, maybe lunch every six weeks or even six months. These are trusted friends, very much so, but not BFF kinds of relationships that you’d rush to with every problem. That kind of closeness is for siblings, spouses, and same-gender friends. (OTOH, we don’t seem to find any more time than that for our same-gender friends or siblings, either! :o)
 
I am a female. In my young adult years I had a best friend who was a guy. In those 10 years that we were friends, we moved on to spouses, me first, then him. I began to realise that this kind of realtionship didn’t work for either of us when we became married.

My husband sometimes acted possessive around this friend. My friend’s wife would find reasons to pull him out of the conversions when he would talk to me at social gatherings.
Even though I was very eager to be good friends with her,this did not happen. I didn’t want her to be jealous and made great efforts to put her first, even giving up any private conversation with my friend. She just wasn’t confortable with my friendship with her husband.

I learned quickly, that that kind of jealousy has a rightful place in marriage. Marriage is an exclusive relationship where both spouses have the right to decide who is good for their marriage and what relationship could pose a threat or at the very least some tension.

The sensible thing for me to do was to give up this friendship. So I did.

That being said, even a same sex friend can become a problem in some instances when it comes to marriage.

When forming friendships, we always need to respect to other person and ourselves. We need to consider ties to spouses, other obligations (like the kind religious have) and especially with opposite sex friend whether this could lead to romantic feelings for either person. If we are not good at discerning these things then it is probably best that we not get involved in opposite sex friendships as adults.
 
Yes.

My OH has friends, both male and female, some married, some single. In instances of married couples sometimes he is friends with the husband, in other cases he is friends with the wife. He has single female friends and single male friends. I am not jealous, he has been friends with some of them for over 20 years. He has no attraction to them, they are just friends.

I have friends I have known for many, many years, in some cases since I was just 3 or 4 years old. Some are male, some are female. My OH is not jealous of my friendships with men, just as much as I am not jealous of his female friendships.

We are confident and happy in our love for each other, and to be perfectly honest, we have only been together 2 years, who am I to tell him not to remain friends with people he has known since he was a child?! I just think it is bizarre to say that you cannot have friendships with members of the opposite sex.
 
Sorry, didn’t read past thousand posts…what about a priest? Can women, married and/or single, be friends w/ priest? Or only friendly?
 
bonvivantHermit said:
Sorry, didn’t read past thousand posts…what about a priest? Can women, married and/or single, be friends w/ priest? Or only friendly?
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I have many priest friends, including one who has been a friend since childhood, and most of them have many friends of both genders.

Take the rules that are merely sensible and add on that it is especially important not to give scandal. Time spent alone is OK if it is quite public, quite welcoming of others to join, and not too frequent. It is also better not to seek to become too much of a particular friend, but rather one good friend among many. Generally speaking, spiritual directors (whether clergy, religious, or laypeople) do not socialize with those under their direction, either, regardless of gender.
 
m_crane said:
I am a female. In my young adult years I had a best friend who was a guy. In those 10 years that we were friends, we moved on to spouses, me first, then him. I began to realise that this kind of realtionship didn’t work for either of us when we became married.

My husband sometimes acted possessive around this friend. My friend’s wife would find reasons to pull him out of the conversions when he would talk to me at social gatherings.
Even though I was very eager to be good friends with her,this did not happen. I didn’t want her to be jealous and made great efforts to put her first, even giving up any private conversation with my friend. She just wasn’t confortable with my friendship with her husband.

I learned quickly, that that kind of jealousy has a rightful place in marriage. Marriage is an exclusive relationship where both spouses have the right to decide who is good for their marriage and what relationship could pose a threat or at the very least some tension.

The sensible thing for me to do was to give up this friendship. So I did.

That being said, even a same sex friend can become a problem in some instances when it comes to marriage.

When forming friendships, we always need to respect to other person and ourselves. We need to consider ties to spouses, other obligations (like the kind religious have) and especially with opposite sex friend whether this could lead to romantic feelings for either person. If we are not good at discerning these things then it is probably best that we not get involved in opposite sex friendships as adults.
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Does jealousy have a rightful place in marriage? I am very lucky to be blessed with a healthy and trust based marriage in which I have many female friends and my wife has her own male friends. None of these friendships have ever become a problem for us. I know that if any did that we would address them together since marriage does take precedence over friendship. I just wanted to challenge your comment in jealousy.
 
Gandalf said:
this has nothing to do with this but the gay gene thing-I asked my local bishop who is the archbishop and he said that the church teaches that a person is born gay they are then to live a life of chastity. and here is what the catechism says-it even says that God has called them to life a chaste life so the fact that the ARCHBISHOP told me the church teaches a person is born gay is actually true and he knows more than u so there my friend u are wrong. God Bless

2358 The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. This inclination, which is objectively disordered, constitutes for most of them a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God’s will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord’s Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition.

2359 Homosexual persons are called to chastity. By the virtues of self-mastery that teach them inner freedom, at times by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection.
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I highly doubt you understood the archbishop correctly. If you wish to discuss something from a thread that is closed you can PM me instead of hijacking another thread. thank you.
 
My very best friend is a man and I am a woman. We have been close since our freshmen year in highschool. We have never once kissed, never dated, nothing. I stood in his wedding, and he stood in mine. We are both married to our respective spouses, and remain as close friends today as we ever have been. Yes, men and women can be friends. 🙂
 
LostChemist said:
Does jealousy have a rightful place in marriage? I am very lucky to be blessed with a healthy and trust based marriage in which I have many female friends and my wife has her own male friends. None of these friendships have ever become a problem for us. I know that if any did that we would address them together since marriage does take precedence over friendship. I just wanted to challenge your comment in jealousy.
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I agree. I think a good friend is a friend to the marriage first and that it is for the spouses to work out what boundaries are or aren’t overly possessive. If one of the spouses is having issues, give them some room to work it out. When in doubt, respect the more strict boundary being set. But yes, if you’re a spouse, you do need to examine your own reasons for the boundaries you think are necessary. Your jealousy or insecurity might be more of a threat to your marriage and to both your and your spouse’s well-being as any external person’s attentions could ever be. Beng over-controlling can poison a relationship.
 
itullian said:
Without a romantic entanglement developing?

I say no. One or the other is gonna eventually get smitten. :love:

I know with me, if I was friends with a girl I was still looking for a way to get her to like me more or she was doing the same
and sooner or later one likes the other more or they :love: :yup:

So if you have an opposite sex friend-------watch out, if you’re not after them, they’re after you. :yup:

What say you?

ps----same with gays, only same sex friends instead.
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Yes, of course. Many people who might be sexually attracted by virtue of gender enjoy non romantic friendships.

The obvious example is relatives.

Recent research shows that the likelihood of being sexually attracted to a partner with a similar immune profile (such as family members) is low, opposite is high. This is thought to keep disease resistance high in our species from one generation to the next.
 
One of my closest friends is a female and we used to spend so much time together in our first year of college that people thought we were dating. I had no romantic interest in her whatsoever, but I admit that many other girls who I was friends with I was interested in at some point.
 
Yes. As a gay man, most of my friends are women, no problem keeping those friendships platonic 😉
 
Ophelia23 said:
My very best friend is a man and I am a woman. We have been close since our freshmen year in highschool. We have never once kissed, never dated, nothing. I stood in his wedding, and he stood in mine. We are both married to our respective spouses, and remain as close friends today as we ever have been. Yes, men and women can be friends. 🙂
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Really, so your very best friend is not your husband, but another man? How does your husband feel about that? :confused:

I would be sad if my husband’s best female friend were not me…
 
itullian said:
Without a romantic entanglement developing?

I say no. One or the other is gonna eventually get smitten. :love:

I know with me, if I was friends with a girl I was still looking for a way to get her to like me more or she was doing the same
and sooner or later one likes the other more or they :love: :yup:

So if you have an opposite sex friend-------watch out, if you’re not after them, they’re after you. :yup:

What say you?

ps----same with gays, only same sex friends instead.
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No way!

I have a lot of female friends, and I am glad I do because I’ve been able to talk to them about things that a male friend would not be as helpful with, and I’m very convinced of that .

If you really are at a point where you can’t be around an ordinary girl who is dressed in a normal fashion for the local weather and isn’t acting like a prostitute, I think you need to look at your sexual discipline.

There’s a difference between say, having a conversation with someone and sleeping in the same bed as them.
 
GraceDK said:
Really, so your very best friend is not your husband, but another man? How does your husband feel about that? :confused:

I would be sad if my husband’s best female friend were not me…
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I like my husband’s female friends…not a coincidence, when you think about it. (Well, I suppose if I hadn’t liked them a lot, I wouldn’t have married him!!) They’re either happily married to someone not particularly like my husband or else fall into the category of “friends, sure, but I could never live with him/her”. Let’s just say I never had any feeling that there would be a romance if I were not in the picture.

I’m not one to rank people as friends, but as for having a best opposite-sex friend that you could never marry in a million years…I’m sure it happens. It’s not that different from having a sibling that your spouse is super close to, I guess. 🤷
 
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