Can a priest deny us the sacrament of marriage because we are pregnant?

[im1234]

I hate to say this but this is a recipie for folks leaving the church. If the pastor needs to consult the bishop for dispensation to marry this couple it might be a good idea to let the couple know that is the case. I am sure that they would understand much more than the reply that was given them ( if the original post is accurate).
Being straight up with the priest shows a great deal of maturity by itself.
I realize that the priest is acting responsible for both his soul and that of his parishoners but this is just the thing that can cause “small” practical issues to turn into “big” doctrinal issues.

Thank you for understanding my frustration. I feel that if it is really that he is so concerned with our spiritual well being that he may not allow us to marry at this time, why didnt he keep the scheduled call that we had with him today to explain that to us himself? Why do we have to keep coordinating through his assistant? I understand very well that Pastors of large parishes are very busy people. That why we took the time to *schedule *a specific meeting to speak over the phone since we are out of state. Im not the type to throw the baby out with the bath water, but it is this type of bureaucracy in the church that creates the frustration I have seen with so many fallen away Catholics.

 

[Ruthie_again]

I’m sympathetic for you.

If there’s no Diocesan reason (rule or something) in the way, I can see two reasons why your priest is hesitant to marry you now.

First is the financial problems. Were they by any chance due to you wanting a wedding that you couldn’t afford? If so, tell Father that you’ll scale back, and simplify the wedding. After all, alll you really need is each other, and two witnesses. If it’s from other issues, then tell him what actions you will take to make life with a new baby affordable.

Second is your inability to keep from “doing it.” I can see why he would be concerned, and it’s not just because of habitual sin. This may not have occurred to you, or to Father to tell you: you should love each other so much that the first and foremost thing you want is for your spouse to get to Heaven. That is what enabled my DH and I (in a civil marriage for 9 years before we converted) to “live as brother and sister” while waiting for my teenage mistake to be declared null.

If you don’t love each other that much, then you shouldn’t marry! Again, this might not have crossed your mind, or been taught to you. But, now you know.

Please don’t have a civil wedding, unless it’s the only way for you to get health coverage for the baby. Defying your priest in something so important makes you look like an unfaithful Catholic.

I would LOVE to talk to the pastor about this personally and explain myself to him and hear him tell me his reasons for not wanting us to get married right now.

This sentence concerns me. It sounds a little as if you expect him to listen to you explain yourself, but that you’re not prepared to listen to him. (I hope I’m wrong, and if I am, I’m happy!) Are you going to try to understand his reasons, or have you rejected them all beforehand? If you won’t listen to him, then there’s no reason to have a meeting.

I’ll pray for you - all three. :hug3:

 

[Cristiano]

Thank you for understanding my frustration. I feel that if it is really that he is so concerned with our spiritual well being that he may not allow us to marry at this time, why didnt he keep the scheduled call that we had with him today to explain that to us himself? Why do we have to keep coordinating through his assistant? I understand very well that Pastors of large parishes are very busy people. That why we took the time to *schedule *a specific meeting to speak over the phone since we are out of state. Im not the type to throw the baby out with the bath water, but it is this type of bureaucracy in the church that creates the frustration I have seen with so many fallen away Catholics.

You better understand that a priest does not skip a meeting just for the fun of it. I know that we had to go for a while with a priest in a parish of 18,000 people, his schedule changed on the fly every five minutes and his secretary was going bonkers. If the priest were the one to organize his meeting he would spend half of his day doing that and he would not be available to help the parish, he just gives priorities to the secretary and she organizes them.

I think that you have an excellent attitude in trying to talk to the priest, just keep your nerves and make it clear that you already planned to get married soon without any unexpected pregnancy. You also add that now your plans are still the same but because you are careful parents you want to ensure a better financial/benefits support for your child since birth and you can do that only by anticipating the civil aspect of the marriage. You also stress that you do not want to do that independently of the sacramental marriage and so you will have to anticipate the marriage in Church too. That should be reassuring enough for the priest.

 

[SMHW]

Thank you for understanding my frustration. I feel that if it is really that he is so concerned with our spiritual well being that he may not allow us to marry at this time, why didnt he keep the scheduled call that we had with him today to explain that to us himself? Why do we have to keep coordinating through his assistant?

If I understood a previously post correctly, you now know this diocese DOES have a policy of delaying marriage when there is a pregnancy. The rest of what I have to say is based on that understanding.

There may have been another reason why your pastor didn’t take your call. But even if that was not the case I suspect another reason your pastor didn’t wish to speak with you was because nothing good would have come from the call.

Yes, at first glance it does seem as if he was being cowardly by not speaking to you directly. I think that your pastor was trying to spare the three of you from making what could turn out to be a pointless discussion/argument. I wonder if you could have refrained from explaining why you want to marry before the baby comes? Would you have been content to listen while he reiterated what you already know about diocesan policy? I have a feeling you would have wanted to try and convince him that you are not like all those other couples. At least at this point that would probably have been a frustrating waste of breath.

I don’t know anything about your diocese but I can say with some certainty that your pastor is NOT going to make a request of the bishop unless he thinks there is reasonable chance that it will be granted. While it might endear him to you and your fiance if he acts as your advocate, your pastor first and foremost answers to the bishop.

As frustrating as it may be, I think you and your fiance need to sit with your thoughts and feelings for a while. I think if your are honest you will find that your are embarrassed by the situation and envious of all the other couples who manage to have their big fancy weddings despite not having remained chaste. Your feelings are important. But your feelings alone are not reason enough for the Church to make an exception for you.

If the bishop permits exceptions to the rule for specific circumstances I’m sure your pastor or his assistant will be contacting you soon to discuss them

 

[1ke]

Thank you for understanding my frustration. I feel that if it is really that he is so concerned with our spiritual well being that he may not allow us to marry at this time, why didnt he keep the scheduled call that we had with him today to explain that to us himself? Why do we have to keep coordinating through his assistant? I understand very well that Pastors of large parishes are very busy people. That why we took the time to *schedule *a specific meeting to speak over the phone since we are out of state. Im not the type to throw the baby out with the bath water, but it is this type of bureaucracy in the church that creates the frustration I have seen with so many fallen away Catholics.

Perhaps he was called away to give Last Rites to someone at the hospital or nursing home. Emergencies do arise.

I hope you are able to meet with him soon.

 

[im1234]

As frustrating as it may be, I think you and your fiance need to sit with your thoughts and feelings for a while. I think if your are honest you will find that your are embarrassed by the situation and envious of all the other couples who manage to have their big fancy weddings despite not having remained chaste. Your feelings are important. But your feelings alone are not reason enough for the Church to make an exception for you.

No, I do not know for certain that my diocese has a policy about delaying weddings if pregnancy is involved. If I would have been able to speak with the pastor maybe i could have asked that question and recieved some clarification as to why i may have to delay my trip i have planned to come home and get married in 1 month. Thus my frustration and confusion.
Yes, we might need to sit down with our thoughts. But we certainly are not “embarrassed by the situation and envious of others” A child, no matter what sitution he or she is concieved in, would ever be an embarassment to me. Especially not with the man I already intended to spend my life with. We also do not care about big materialistic fancy weddings. We actually do just care about recieving the sacrament and starting our family. Thats it.

At this point it is in Gods hands, all we can do it wait for our Pastor to clarify all of this and go from there. I appreciate all the comments and those of you who said you would pray for us. Hopefully the Catholic Church will recognize our desire to live a Catholic married life and allow us to marry in November. Thank you all.

 

[Gorgias]

There may have been another reason why your pastor didn’t take your call. But even if that was not the case I suspect another reason your pastor didn’t wish to speak with you was because nothing good would have come from the call.

Yep. It’s called “delegation”. If you would’ve met with him, and tempers flared or there was some sort of disagreement, to whom would you have had recourse? But, having talked with the parochial vicar, if you still have questions or issues, you can still go to the pastor.

Delegation is a beautiful thing…

 

[Ruthie_again]

my trip i have planned to come home and get married in 1 month.

Does this mean that the church in which you are planning to be married is not your current home parish? Where did you take your pre-Cana classes?

If the pastor doesn’t know you as a parishioner, that will add to his worries. If you took your pre-Cana classes at a different parish, perhaps someone there would be prepared to speak up for you.

Praying some more,

 

[1ke]

No, I do not know for certain that my diocese has a policy about delaying weddings if pregnancy is involved.

This is very typical. Many decrees of nullity have been applied for on the grounds of being pressured/coerced into marriage in order to “do the right thing” during a pregnancy.

The Church must ensure there are no impediments.

Hopefully the Catholic Church will recognize our desire to live a Catholic married life and allow us to marry in November. Thank you all.

Becoming a married couple may simply have to wait a bit.

 

[friendster324]

The point that no one has made note of is that you were already planning/prepared to get married! It’s not as though you are deciding to marry because of the baby.

I can understand the desire to side with the clergy on these issues but in your case I think he is in the wrong. Moving the date and deciding to get married are two separate things…

FWIW, we don’t fully have his side of the story but I can’t imagine there would be a reason to delay because if you were being coerced NOW then you would have been THEN too.

 

[admonsta]

I really hope things work out for the best.

I can understand your frustration with all of this, but might I also mention that in years to come, when all of this has been done and dealt with, it will most likely be a small blip on the time line of your life. You can decide to remain angry about it or you can get on with things.

In these times, as well as being able to go “fix the problem” with a pill, there are other conveniences that are expected, such as getting married when you want and fixing any concerns after the fact. Your marriage is for the rest of your life, hopefully, and if it means a little bit of inconvenience or sacrifice now, perhaps ultimately it is for the best, to ensure that your marriage is built on solid ground.

I’m not saying you are not ready, or that you are marrying for the wrong reasons. Not at all. But the priest sounds like he is doing the best by you. Trust that he has your best interests at heart, even if you can’t see the full picture right now.

If you can manage to see him, put your case to him as best you can. In your original post you didn’t say he refused to marry you, just that he wasn’t sure if he could.

 

[Holly3278]

I also hope that things work out for you. My prayers are with you, your fiance, and your baby.

 

[ValPal]

The point that no one has made note of is that you were already planning/prepared to get married! It’s not as though you are deciding to marry because of the baby.

I caught that also in the follow up post.

I can understand the desire to side with the clergy on these issues but in your case I think he is in the wrong. Moving the date and deciding to get married are two separate things…

I don’t think the priest is wrong, just doing his due diligence. If all the wedding prep required by the Church was completed, and their were no issues up to that point, the pregnancy likely won’t be a big deal. However, it will need to be addressed.

 

[ValPal]

Thank you for understanding my frustration. I feel that if it is really that he is so concerned with our spiritual well being that he may not allow us to marry at this time, why didnt he keep the scheduled call that we had with him today to explain that to us himself? Why do we have to keep coordinating through his assistant? I understand very well that Pastors of large parishes are very busy people. That why we took the time to *schedule *a specific meeting to speak over the phone since we are out of state. Im not the type to throw the baby out with the bath water, but it is this type of bureaucracy in the church that creates the frustration I have seen with so many fallen away Catholics.

Trust me. As someone who was divorced and remarried outside of the Church, I understand the frustration. While I really wasn’t a practicing Catholic at the time, the reason I remarried so fast was to have children. We had to deal with annulments and a convalidation, and that takes a whole lot longer and much more effort than what you are dealing with. And one of the biggest issues in my wife’s annulment dealt with rushing the marriage due to pregnancy.

Be patient and do it right. The priest is not doing what is expedient, but rather what is simply in everyone’s best interest. It is far more frustrating dealing with cleaning up the mess after the fact.

 

[Jimmygill88]

Sounds like a stable relationship. We are PRO LIFE for goodness sake.

 

[Vico]

I have a question. My fiance and I have been engaged for 3 yrs and planned to get married this november but had to push the wedding back to spring because of financial difficulties. We have struggled with being chaste throughout our engagement and it is something that we go to confession for and really do try to avoid. However, we recently found out that we are pregnant. The first thing that came to our minds was “lets move our wedding date back to November and get married as soon as possible” not “lets get an abortion and make this go away”. In todays society, a young financially unsound couple would be told to take the morning after pill and forget about it. This is something we would never do! We contacted our home parish to see if we could move our date back to november because we had decided that we should get married sooner rather than later. Our pastor said that the date was still open and that he would even work with us on the church fees given our current financial problems. We felt so blessed. Then one week later we get a call from his assistant saying the pastor wanted to know why we needed to get married all of a sudden so quickly and asked if a pregnancy was involved. Wanting to do the Christian thing and tell the truth, my fiance answered honestly and said yes. His assistant then told us that “given the new circumstances” the pastor has said they were not totally sure if they will be able to marry us because they dont want “couples marrying for the wrong reasons” I feel crushed. If there was any religion that I felt would be OPEN TO LIFE it would be the Catholic failth. How is this child that we want to raise in the church “the wrong reason” to get married? Can they really deny us the sacrament because of this? I just feel so upset and disillusioned with the church right now. I dont this this is something Jesus would have said to us. It is just ironic because had we lied or had we just had an abortion we wouldnt be dealing with our pastor threatening us with the sacrament in this way. I just feel like this is encouraging young couples to act against the faith and encouraging bad behavior. any thoughts would be appreciated. thank you

Matrimony is a covenant with the approval of the Church, which must take the necessary precautions that you understand what matrimony is, and that you have the proper consent, and no impediments, and that it through free will (not duress). The clergy has a God given responsibility to be diligent in this matter so is within rights to deny or grant. Psychological or social pressures to marry can become strong when pregnant. You don’t say it you have been in a pre-nuptial program at your parish. It can take a year to be married as a Catholic due to the requirements.

 

[graceandglory]

No, I do not know for certain that my diocese has a policy about delaying weddings if pregnancy is involved. If I would have been able to speak with the pastor maybe i could have asked that question and recieved some clarification as to why i may have to delay my trip i have planned to come home and get married in 1 month. Thus my frustration and confusion.
Yes, we might need to sit down with our thoughts. But we certainly are not “embarrassed by the situation and envious of others” A child, no matter what sitution he or she is concieved in, would ever be an embarassment to me. Especially not with the man I already intended to spend my life with. We also do not care about big materialistic fancy weddings. We actually do just care about recieving the sacrament and starting our family. Thats it.

At this point it is in Gods hands, all we can do it wait for our Pastor to clarify all of this and go from there. I appreciate all the comments and those of you who said you would pray for us. Hopefully the Catholic Church will recognize our desire to live a Catholic married life and allow us to marry in November. Thank you all.

Have you been through your pre Cana period? Usually couples are required to wait for six to twelve months to complete their pre marital counseling. I am sure that is the only thing holding you back. Your priest needs to meet with you to go over Sacramental Preparation for a few months to know if you are ready for the Sacrament. You just can’t rush a Sacrament because of the party or the dress.

If you want to have a big party, you can always have a small wedding, and a large reception with dress and everything, after baby’s born.

I see nothing wrong with working on keeping baby healthy and getting married a few months down the line, with just close family and the priest.

You have to ask yourself, why do you want to move it up to November? Is it so that you don’t “show?”
Is that really more important than obedience to God?

 

[Jimmygill88]

I think this a really good example of bad practise. The two people concerned marry each other in the presence of the priest The priest sounds like he is in the business of driving people away from the church and would be better suited to work in a Dickensian Law Firm

 

[Vico]

I think this a really good example of bad practise. The two people concerned marry each other in the presence of the priest The priest sounds like he is in the business of driving people away from the church and would be better suited to work in a Dickensian Law Firm

Not driving away from the Church, rather, driving away from invalid administration or reception of the sacrament. Also driving away from illicit administration or reception of a validly administered or received sacrament. All this is out of charity.

 

[mardukm]

I would LOVE to talk to the pastor about this personally and explain myself to him and hear him tell me his reasons for not wanting us to get married right now. However, he wont call us. we have gone through his assistant for all information.

Is it because he won’t call you, or is it because his assistant normally relays his messages anyway since he is a very busy man.

We had a call scheduled to speak with him this morning but he had his assistant call us instead to tell us this news.

What news? That he won’t call you, or that he had to break his appointment. Can you please clarify?

She told us she doesnt know when he will be available to speak with us. I understand that the priest is trying to be cautious because of statistics.

.
Why do you assume that breaking the appointment with you has anything to do with your proposed marriage? What if a close relative was dying and he was called away? What if he had a personal medical emergency? These would be circumstances where it would be impossible to know when he will be available, since - if he had an emergency - then his entire schedule would have to be reordered.

Blessings,
Marduk

But we are not a couple that got engaged a year ago and got pregnant is rushing to get married. The Catholic faith isnt about collectivism, from my understanding it is all about individual responsibilty. My fiance and I are individuals, our situation is unique, we dont fit in to a pie chart or graph and I dont appreciate the pastor treating us that way and not even having the time to speak to us personally.