Dee maybe it will help you to read Cardinal Sarah’s book “The Power of Silence”. In there he presents how God speaks to us in a silent way. You don’t have to push to the point where you like hear voices and maybe it’s Him and then you inebriate your senses. This matches what St. Paysios from Mt.Athos said, and some Russian saints, that faith is “walking in the snow without leaving any trace”.
I also feel the need of some beer, or wine when I really feel like I need Him physically near me. I tried vodka, lucky enough it made me so sick I still remember its taste and how sick it made.
Some Holy Fathers of the Church said that us women can overcome sin of lust and bein depraved better than men, however the passion for liquior is harder for us to overcome than for men. We should steer away from it. I also feel the need to be tipsy and got drunk a few times in my life and that made too sick to continue with it. In my family I do have cases of alcoholism and I worry that even though strong drinks aren’t for me, addiction to mild alcohol is just as bad.
I pray God sends you His signs as intensity you seek them when you are sober, so you can stop searching for the drug. St. Paysios said our bad passions are sometimes also the fruit of our soul’s hunger for Christ but we look for him in the wrong direction and the evil one twists our pure desire against us.
Alcoholism is not exactly a sin is more like a bad passion that keeps you away from Him even if you are doing it to overcome reality to reach above it and He is always waiting for you His eternal loving silence. Do not despair, because when you despair the need for getting drunk is stronger.
