Can I attend this wedding in good conscience?

[Miranda27]

I have a cousin who was baptized Catholic and probably received her First Communion, but otherwise was not raised as an active, church-going Catholic. (Unfortunately, my aunt and uncle–her parents–are no longer practicing.) My cousin is marrying a non-practicing Catholic man (not sure what his family background is, if he was raised as a practicing Catholic or not, or if he’s fallen-away on his own accord). They bought a house together and already live together.

I just received their invitation and the ceremony is a non-Catholic ceremony at the same place as the reception (not a church of any kind).

Is this marriage viewed as “valid”? As a faithful Catholic myself, can I attend this wedding in good conscience? If not, what’s the best way to respond to the invitation?

Thanks for any advice.

 

[luvchrist4ever]

No, the wedding would not be valid. I am dealing with this same situation with my brother. My family and I are attending the wedding to show our love and support for them as people and for family harmony, but made it clear that we do not support the way they are getting married, and we made it clear that we would not be able to participate in the wedding as witnesses in the wedding party. We are simply attending. You will get different opinions, and it is not sinful to attend, but it would be sinful if you participated as a witness to an invalid union.

 

[PatriceA]

No, its not a valid marrige.

Whether you should attend or not is something best discussed with your priest or a spiritual director of some sort.

Yes, you will get answers all over the page. We all have to decide what is best for us and our families as a Catholic,while we witness the teachings of the faith to the best of our abilities.

If it was me, I wouldn’t attend the wedding. What I would give as the reason for not attending would depend upon whom is asking, such as if they are willing to hear why this would not be a valid marriage or not or would my answer just create division in the family. Some family members will never understand why the Church will not recognize such marraiges as valid as your cousin’s and sometimes its best not to get into a discussion with them. With those people I just simply say, there is a conflict in the family schedule and we can not attend. I don’t owe them any other explanation.

 

[kozlosap]

I guess it depends on how important your relationship is with your cousin. If your cousin is non-practicing and has not practiced in years and was not confirmed, then I would say (yes, I know this is NOT the official position of the Church) that he has abandoned the Faith and there is no harm in attending a civil ceremony. This civil marriage should not cause scandal because the two participants obviously do not believe in the established tenants of marriage as set forth by the Church. You know what you believe and attending this event is not going to shake your value system.

 

[FullOfThought]

So if you had friends who were Muslim, Buddhist or athesist would you not go to their weddings either?

In my opinion you should absolutely go to their wedding and throughout your life you have the opportunity to be the light of Christ in their life, you never know how God wants you to work in their life.

They have the right to be legally wed regardless of what faith they choose to or to not practice, and maybe one day they will enter into the Church together and they can get a valid marriage.

 

[cradlecatholic5]

Yes, I would go, because you love & support your cousin.

Waaaay too much judging going on.

 

[BListon]

Yes, I would go, because you love & support your cousin.

Waaaay too much judging going on.

^This right here!

 

[1ke]

Is this marriage viewed as “valid”?

No. This is an invalid attempt at marriage.

As a faithful Catholic myself, can I attend this wedding in good conscience?

It really isn’t prudent to do so. You should discuss this with your pastor. We should not support others in their sin, nor condone it. But, there is some pastoral leeway here. No one on the forums can give you such advice but your pastor can.

If not, what’s the best way to respond to the invitation?

Same way as any other. Politely send your regrets. You do not owe anyone an explanation.

 

[1ke]

So if you had friends who were Muslim, Buddhist or athesist would you not go to their weddings either?

Not relevant in any way. Also known as a straw man argument.

Muslims, buddhists, and atheists marry validly when they marry one another in a civil ceremony.

We are talking about **Catholics **making an invalid attempt at marriage. We are not talking about other situations in which non-Catholics are validly marrying each other.

 

[PatriceA]

So if you had friends who were Muslim, Buddhist or athesist would you not go to their weddings either?

In my opinion you should absolutely go to their wedding and throughout your life you have the opportunity to be the light of Christ in their life, you never know how God wants you to work in their life.

They have the right to be legally wed regardless of what faith they choose to or to not practice, and maybe one day they will enter into the Church together and they can get a valid marriage.

Attending a wedding ceremony that two people of a different faith are entering into a valid marriage is NOT the same as the couple in the OP. Two non-practicing Catholics entering into an invalid marriage is very problematic and the decision to attend such a ceremony is best left to the counsel of a priest. Just because a Catholic has determined that attending such an invalid wedding ceremony is not something they should do does not mean they will still not but part of the couple’s life or be “the light of Christ in their life”. While the couple may be entering into a legally reconized marriage, it won’t be recognized by the Catholic Church. I do not understand how Catholics put more emphasis on what the government will and will not recognize before what the Catholic Church recognizes as valid.

Its not “judging” to say that sometimes NOT attending an invalid marriage is what a Catholic should do to best witness the teachings of the Catholic Church. If we “bend” the teachings to fit every situation, what exactly are we believing in when its a situation concerning two baptized Catholics, regardless if they are practicing at the moment or not?

 

[dandesmommie]

Please see the forum site “ask an apologist” they get this question all the time and in many variants, so my advice is start there and then talk to your priest/spiritual director.

 

[maryjk]

This is a real problem.

People Baptize their children because it is family tradition or they have the Protestant belief that being Baptized “saves” the child. We just had a thread started by a woman, living with her current lover that was terribly upset that the priest said he wouldn’t baptize their daughter.

Problem is, after the child is Baptized, the family never darkens the door of the church again.

So the child is “Catholic” but knows nothing about being Catholic. And now, there is no way to become “un-Catholic.”

So they will have family members and loved ones not attending their wedding because they aren’t getting married in the Catholic church. When in reality it would take years for them to be brought up to speed on “their” religion before they could even get married. To say nothing of the fact that they might not want to be Catholic in the first place.

Some of these people are getting married through their current religion. Never knowing that they are “required” to be married in a Catholic church.

 

[FullOfThought]

We are talking about **Catholics **making an invalid attempt at marriage. We are not talking about other situations in which non-Catholics are validly marrying each other.

Two non-practicing Catholics entering into an invalid marriage is very problematic and the decision to attend such a ceremony is best left to the counsel of a priest. Just because a Catholic has determined that attending such an invalid wedding ceremony is not something they should do does not mean they will still not but part of the couple’s life or be “the light of Christ in their life”. While the couple may be entering into a legally reconized marriage, it won’t be recognized by the Catholic Church. I do not understand how Catholics put more emphasis on what the government will and will not recognize before what the Catholic Church recognizes as valid.

Its not “judging” to say that sometimes NOT attending an invalid marriage is what a Catholic should do to best witness the teachings of the Catholic Church. If we “bend” the teachings to fit every situation, what exactly are we believing in when its a situation concerning two baptized Catholics, regardless if they are practicing at the moment or not?

I disagree due to my experience of VERY recently getting married and going through engaged encounter as a devout Catholic, with my Protestant husband. Our diocese made it perfectly clear they do not marry non practicing Catholics. Just because you were baptized and recieved sacraments as a child does not mean you are Catholic. Techically such individuals may claim they are but are not practicing, uneducated about their faith and therefore not really Catholic’s prepared to take on another sacrament as an adult.

In instances such as this in my diocese and many surrounding us, the couples have to go through a full engaged encouter as well as RCIA. My husband and I now council couples going through the same process, it’s really beautiful.

I have heard great support for this and against, but from my experience I absolutely support this. It’s fabulous how some education can create a beautiful open Christian marriage. And with the divorce rate being what it is, these high standards are a breath of fresh air.

So, back to my orginial point, if the couple CLAIMS to be Catholic but are not, due to the lack of faith or no adult faith, then that is no different then attending a civil marriage or marriage of a different faith.

 

[1ke]

BUT, if a couple was born into Catholic families, but do not practice/agree with the faith…and they get legally married in a venue that is not a Catholic church…you think it is not okay to attend?

That is correct.

Methinks there is something seriously awry with your math.

Not correct and not in line with Catholic teaching and canon law on the matter.

The OP asked for whether or not the Church considers this a valid marriage-- the answer is “no”.

And, whether as a Catholic she could go to this wedding in good conscience-- the answer is “maybe”. She needs to discuss the specifics with her priest.

 

[1ke]

Just because you were baptized and recieved sacraments as a child does not mean you are Catholic.

Uh, yeah, it does.

Techically such individuals may claim they are but are not practicing, uneducated about their faith and therefore not really Catholic’s prepared to take on another sacrament as an adult.

Certainly, there may be requirements involved such as Confirmation or fulfilling other requirements of canon law. No one said there would not be requirements.

The question was whether or not these two Catholic validly contract marriage if they do so outside the Catholic form. The answer to that question is no.

So, back to my orginial point, if the couple CLAIMS to be Catholic but are not, due to the lack of faith or no adult faith, then that is no different then attending a civil marriage or marriage of a different faith.

This is completely false and contravenes Church teaching.

A Catholic is Catholic by virtue of their baptism, and Church law makes no allowance for them to be married outside the Church. Their attempt at marriage is invalid. This is certainly different than attending a valid marriage between non-Catholics, as it is no marriage at all and nothing to celebrate.

 

[PatriceA]

So…two non-Catholics getting married in a Jewish, Buddhist or Muslim temple…or two non-Catholic Christians getting married in a Baptist or Episcopalian or Presbyterian church…or at the courthouse or on the beach, for that matter…those are all legal and are maybe okay to attend…

BUT, if a couple was born into Catholic families, but do not practice/agree with the faith…and they get legally married in a venue that is not a Catholic church…you think it is not okay to attend?

Methinks there is something seriously awry with your math.

To the OP, I say…go to the wedding–especially because it’s family!–give them your love and blessings, toast to their happiness and union and future…and don’t punish the couple just because they were born Catholic, but do not feel the same way about it as you do.

If these were two Jewish friends, you would be going!

Its not my personal opinion and its not a math problem either. As I said, one should seek counsel from one’s own priest about situations such as the OP’s. There are times when it may be the best thing to attend OR there may be times attending would cause scandal and a Catholic should not attend such an invalid ceremony.

I said if it was me I would not attend such a wedding and I have received counsel on such situations in the past from my own priest and spiritual director.

For any of us to give a definitive answer on whether the OP should attend the wedding or not is irresponsible. The only advice that should be given is for the OP to seek out the advice of their priest. But we can say with absolute certainty it will be an invalid marriage given the details the OP provided no matter what point of view or way any those of us tries to spin it.

 

[Josie39]

If you don’t agree why do you even want to be present in the ceremony? it doesn’t make sense.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I have a cousin who was baptized Catholic and probably received her First Communion, but otherwise was not raised as an active, church-going Catholic. (Unfortunately, my aunt and uncle–her parents–are no longer practicing.) My cousin is marrying a non-practicing Catholic man (not sure what his family background is, if he was raised as a practicing Catholic or not, or if he’s fallen-away on his own accord). They bought a house together and already live together.

I just received their invitation and the ceremony is a non-Catholic ceremony at the same place as the reception (not a church of any kind).

Is this marriage viewed as “valid”? As a faithful Catholic myself, can I attend this wedding in good conscience? If not, what’s the best way to respond to the invitation?

Thanks for any advice.

Gee, your cousin and her FH sound like me and my husband! Same basic scenario except we didn’t even bother with the ceremony/reception, just married in front of a judge. No one reminded us that we were both Catholic and that our marriage was invalid. Probably no one even knew it! I didn’t know it either.

Not that it would have made one whit of difference. At that point I didn’t consider myself to be a Catholic and if someone would have said I was, I would have simply laughed at them. Or told them to @#$# off.

I came back when I got pregnant with our first son. And we got actually married on our 10th anniversary. It took a while to sort out the details - and I had to get confirmed first.

Your cousin may not even realize that they should be marrying in church. Or have you mentioned it to her already?

Talk to your priest about going to the wedding. My opinion is that nothing you do or don’t do is going to bring them back to the Church until the Holy Spirit gets involved! Pray for them!

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

The fact is that two non-Catholics who get married, are truly bound to each other - spiritually even. This is because of the nature of marriage - the vows that a couple makes to each other are not merely legal, they create a spiritual reality. Even when marriage is not a sacrament, it is still a truth that transcends the legal documents of the state.

When a person is baptized Catholic, (s)he becomes bound to another set of laws. Through the authority that God himself gave to the Church, a person bound by the laws of Catholicism through baptism, is not capable of creating the spiritual reality of a true marriage unless they do it within the laws of the Church. This is true whether or not the Catholic person wishes to be Catholic anymore. When you are baptized, you gain the rights of baptism, but you also take on the responsibilities, and this is permanent. It is truly sad, as another poster said, that children are brought to be baptized by their parents and then not raised in the faith. Their parents are binding them to the laws of the church, but completely failing to prepare them to do so. This sad fact mitigates a person’s guilt, but it doesn’t change the reality - that if they are Catholic (at even the most minimal level), and if they do not follow the laws of the Church re: marriage, then they are NOT truly married - even in the sense that two Muslims or Jews would be.

The fact that the marriage is invalid (or more frankly stated, NOT a marriage at all), makes it problematic for a Catholic to support. How can you be support a person in a sham? Even though the couple may have no idea, it is still not something to be happy about. It is really sad, and presents a major dilemma, because the couple in question may not have ever been given the opportunity to know, and act on the truth. The fact is that a person who is Catholic, but who is not prepared to live as one, is not ready to enter into a marriage - which is one of the foundational institutions of Humanity, set up by God specifically to create souls and to get them ultimately to Heaven. Unfortunately, such people (the ones whose parents neglected their religious upbringing) have been terribly wronged by their parents, and have in effect, been disabled by them. We should not be angry at the Church for having rules, or at faithful Catholics who recognize them, but at the people in the children’s lives who have set them up as unable to properly marry and raise children. What a terrible thing to do to a person! This issue can not be isolated as just a “marriage” issue. It is much bigger than that - marriage laws just happen to be one of the more obvious problems that arise because of the loss of faith of a culture.

I wouldn’t bring my own children to such a wedding - it would likely cause moral confusion for them - but I would seriously consider attending myself, at least if not attending would cause a rift. In a case of completely unchurched Catholics, it could be more helpful in the long run, to maintain (or grow) a relationship with them, in the hopes that you can be a positive influence on them and in the hopes that you might help them one day become interested in their faith. That said, I wouldn’t WANT to attend, and if it was out of town, or if there was another way I could avoid it, I might very well. Because I wouldn’t be able to honestly support it, and I don’t like to lie.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Unfortunately, such people (the ones whose parents neglected their religious upbringing) have been terribly wronged by their parents, and have in effect, been disabled by them. We should not be angry at the Church for having rules, or at faithful Catholics who recognize them, but at the people in the children’s lives who have set them up as unable to properly marry and raise children. What a terrible thing to do to a person! This issue can not be isolated as just a “marriage” issue. It is much bigger than that - marriage laws just happen to be one of the more obvious problems that arise because of the loss of faith of a culture.
.

In my case, my mother was a convert and my father converted to marry her. She died when I was 10, and my father never resumed our catechesis and so we drifted away from the Church. Sometimes there are factors that aren’t in the parents’ control, really. I guess my dad could have made more of an effort, but his heart wasn’t in it. He did his best as a single dad with 2 girls to raise. He transferred his values and morals but left us anchorless as far as our faith went.

Thank God that we “broken pots” can still be fixed later on!