The problem is that it would seem to give the impression that I am in full support of someone breaking (and breaking again) previous marriage vows. In the eyes of the Church their previous marriages would likely be valid…they took place in Protestant Churches. For me to stand up for such a wedding seems to be a conflict of morality. I’ll share the letter I sent to him…changing the names…please let me know what you think.
Dear John,
Upon further thought and prayer I realize I cannot be your best man, though on many levels I would like to be. (Because I really like you and have always enjoyed the time I’ve spent with you) However, being Catholic, I am bound to the truth that Marriage is a Sacrament and for me to “stand up” as best man I would have to be able to say, in good conscience, that the Marriage I’m “standing up for” is acceptable in the eyes of the Church. The difficulty is that you’ve been married before and NOT because of your coming child. The difficulty with a previous marriage is that you are still bound, in the eyes of the Church, to fulfill your previous marriage vows…meaning, the promises you’ve made before (even if legally divorced) are “for real” in the eyes of the Catholic Church. (I know you’re not Catholics) My active participation as best man would send a message that I don’t believe what the Catholic Church teaches about Marriage…that it is a lifelong bond/covenant between husband and wife (entered into before God) that, once married, cannot be entered into again by either spouse unless one partner dies. I know that you may not adhere to this view of things…many people don’t…but for me it would be a conflict of conscience to accept your kind offer. I can say that the Lord can and often does work in mysterious ways and I am not attempting to say that I know, fully, the mind of God in your circumstances…so I hope you don’t hear me as telling you what you have to believe (far be it from me…though I obviously believe what I believe…ha!) but I’m merely trying to fill you in on what I believe so that you know I have nothing against you, Lora or your child personally. In fact, you are all beloved and cherished children of God…who can beat that?
I want you to know for sure, from the bottom of my heart, that you will have my prayers and support as you and Lora seek to do the best thing from this day forward. I know you desire to do what is best for your child (who now most certainly has my prayers as well!) If anything, I am very sad that I can’t accept your offer because I do so much want to be involved in your life and don’t want you to feel put off or judged in any way. John, if I was in your situation I might well do the same thing you’re doing because that little boy or girl needs a daddy and I can see many qualities in you that would surely make you an excellent dad. This might be a situation where choosing for one’s own faith is most difficult but nobody ever said it would be easy. We know that people who don’t share our beliefs might easily misunderstand our stance as “holier than thou” but please know that we don’t think ill of you in any way but we do need to remain true to what we believe. I decided to write this in letter form because I was afraid that sharing it via the phone would make my explanation jumbled and confusing…this tends to happen to me in conversation and I wanted to make sure I was as clear as possible for your sake. If possible we would still like to attend your wedding as a sign of our love and support…have to work on it with boss-man in the morning.
Please, hear again, we are here for you…for both of you and you have our sincere prayers and love.
May God richly bless you, His children!
Rob
