Can I be a best man at a non-Catholic wedding?

[dunscotus]

I find it interesting that none of the comments contain any suggestion of what the non-catholic bride and groom, having divorced their prior spouses and concieved a child with one another, are expected to do now. Though I see a lot of comments about manners are important and marriage is forever.

In studying philosophy (ethics) one learns that “ought” implies “can”, ie, if you want to require someone to do something (and find fault with them should they fail to doso) it must be the case that that person is actually able to do the thing required of him.

 

[kage_ar]

I find it interesting that none of the comments contain any suggestion of what the non-catholic bride and groom, having divorced their prior spouses and concieved a child with one another, are expected to do now. Though I see a lot of comments about manners are important and marriage is forever.

In studying philosophy (ethics) one learns that “ought” implies “can”, ie, if you want to require someone to do something (and find fault with them should they fail to doso) it must be the case that that person is actually able to do the thing required of him.

The man should financially and emotionally support the child he has fathered. The woman should raise her child. They both should begin to live a life of chastity, to put God first in their lives and the child as second place, putting their own selfish desires behind them until the child is an adult.

 

[robdaddyf]

I think you have a high probability of having one less friend.

He told me how much he appreciated my honesty and going with my conscience. FYI…still friends.

 

[robdaddyf]

This is just my opinion. I don’t know the church teachings on this.

Some people on here might disagree with me, but I think you can be.

Instead of focusing on their past, try to focus on the future-maybe they’ll get it right this time! Remember, they’re doing the right thing by getting married and raising the kid.

Actually the right thing would be for him to remain unmarried (as he is already married to someone else) and to move in as close as he can to the house where the child will be raised with his presence. He commits adultery by marrying her and living with her and makes no positive reparations to avoid sin in the future. If one calls themselves a Catholic they mush adhere to the marital laws of the Church. He is not Catholic so, of course, has the freedom to do whatever he wants…but this does not mean that what he is doing is acceptable in the sight of God…God’s opinion is the one that EVERYONE needs to be concerned about Catholic or not. As Catholics we know what God wants of us…they don’t…so we need to demonstrate what God desires by our living example. If we contradict the Church by our lifestyle we are no longer Catholic.

 

[robdaddyf]

I didn’t read the links that were posted to the AAA forum, but this is my understanding of the situation: As far as anyone on earth knows, the bride and groom are already married to other people - not in the legal sense, or even according to their religious understanding, but as you know it from what your faith teaches you, they are married in the most real, spiritual sense (at least as far as you know, because no tribunal has spoken on the matter). A Catholic is BOUND not to be the witness to a wedding that is in-valid, and naturally if you understand a current marriage already in existence, this marriage can not be valid. So you really CAN’T be the best man, even though you might want to. If you haven’t already sent your letter (or if you have the opportunity for follow up), maybe you can phrase it that way, to let your friend know that this is not about you rejecting him as a friend, but merely you following the rules of your church. However, you are NOT bound to stay away from the wedding altogether. Whether it would better for you to attend or not is a matter of prudence. In general, one wouldn’t want to support an invalid wedding even with attendance, but if not attending would lose you a friend, and attending the wedding might keep you in the life of the couple, and might allow you to be a witness to Christ to them, then attending might be the right thing. So you could say that to your friend, “I can’t be IN the wedding, but I can GO TO the wedding as a guest” - if in fact, you decide that that is the right move to make. I think you are doing your best to show understanding to your friend. I hope he understands and respects your need to follow your conscience.

Thanks for this response. Yes I did send the letter and his response was positive. I know that he doesn’t “understand” my perspective entirely but he does respect it. I knew I had no choice but to say no very soon after asking this question. I do think attending might be the best thing as he already knows my perspective on his choice to marry and wants me there anyway. If I were to “skip it” I think he would be tempted to see it as a sign of full out rejection of him as a person. I want him to know that I still very much love him and still desire what is ultimately best for all involved and I think my presence will surely “say that” loud and clear.

 

[robdaddyf]

Matthew 5:31-33 (NIV)

Divorce
"It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.'But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

Would you know the reason for their divorce? If I were your friend, or maybe bestfriend even, I would really be hurt and may distance myself from you as a result. It’s really sad that they gave themselves over to lust and fornication instead of keeping themselves pure for their wedding night. However, we may surmise that they are now doing the right thing in getting married. This is where they need your full support instead of you condemnation (deliberate or not). I’ve read the article at cuf.org/faithfacts/details_view.asp?ffID=137, and it seems to me as if a pharisee wrote some parts of it. It’s so legalistic and self-righteous, albeit in a very gentle way.

May the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you.

I understand why you think this way because I am a former Evangelical. The trouble is it is typical for Evangelicals to carry a low perspective of marriage. What do I mean by that? Simply put, Evangelicals SAY how important marriage vows are but upon getting divorced have no problem marrying again shortly afterward. In fact, it is thought to be better to marry again so as not to, “give in to lust.” They’ll quote verses like, “…it is better for a man to marry than to burn” and the like. In the Catholic Church if your marriage is valid…it’s valid buddy. Of course we have the possibility of being granted an annulment which is often misunderstood to be “Catholic Divorce.” In actuality the Church examines many factors to determine the validity of the original Catholic marriage in the first place and makes a decision to grant or not grant an annulment. A person who is NOT granted an annulment is expected to reconcile with their spouse, if possible, or leave oneself open for future reconciliation…but if this doesn’t happen the person must live in a state of “married” but separated and is not permitted to marry again. Which one sounds more like Jesus Christ’s perspective from scripture? “Get married as much as you want” or “Once you are married you are married forever.” Once the boundaries are taken off the marriage sacrament anything goes…and you can see that everything does, in fact, “go”…anything is acceptable as long as someone believes it to be “best” in their own eyes…something is seriously wrong with this view.

 

[robdaddyf]

Please forgive my bluntness, but this conversation seems quite absurd. The only theological reason not to participate in the wedding as best man would be to avoid “scandal”. As one poster already pointed out, the real question there is whether the marriage would be valid. Since nobody here knows that, all this discussion boils down to is breast-beating about the permanancy of marital bonds. That’s all well and good but quite beside the point.

By staying away, do you mean to convey that you disapprove of the couple’s decision to marry? It sounds like it. But the bride is pregnant wihthe groom’s child. What would you have them do? Go back to their prior spouses? And, assuming those prior spouses haven’t themselves remarried, who would raise the new child? And how? And where? And with whom?

Being Catholic or Christian does not mean engaging in moral posturing that’s as hurtful as it is empty. Or at least it shouldnt. Such attitudes are much closer to those of the Pharisees who fetishized the law than they are to those of Christ.

Once married always married unless, for some reason, the original marriage was invalid. Your thinking is clouded by emotion which I fully understand but think about this point…either marriage is real, a sacrament, a life-long covenant/bond or it isn’t. If it is then it is what it is. If you believe marriage is NOT what I’ve described then you simply don’t hold to a Christan view of marriage…you might believe in, “temporary domestic agreements.”

It would be wrong for him to leave the child and the mother entirely, however, it would best for him to live nearby so as to still support and care for the mother and the child but not LIVE and continue to commit adultery with the mother. He should be a presence in the life of the child and be the child’s dad…but not continue to sin as a way of “fixing” a previous sin. For him to truly amend his life he would need to make many sacrifices for what he has chosen to do. Sin leads to much heartache pain and destruction whereas repentance leads to life.

 

[kage_ar]

He told me how much he appreciated my honesty and going with my conscience. FYI…still friends.

This IS the way a real friend would respond. Many people are find someone who actually lives like they believe to be an admirable thing.

God bless you, I will pray for your friend.

 

[sharmin]

It would be wrong for him to leave the child and the mother entirely, however, it would best for him to live nearby so as to still support and care for the mother and the child but not LIVE and continue to commit adultery with the mother. He should be a presence in the life of the child and be the child’s dad…but not continue to sin as a way of “fixing” a previous sin. For him to truly amend his life he would need to make many sacrifices for what he has chosen to do. Sin leads to much heartache pain and destruction whereas repentance leads to life.

So are you saying it is better for a child to live seperately from one of his parents rather than in intact family than for a divorced man to remarry?

 

[agapewolf]

So are you saying it is better for a child to live seperately from one of his parents rather than in intact family than for a divorced man to remarry?

It wouldn’t be an “intact” family. It is definitely better, because it wouldn’t be continual sin going on. Eternal life is the better part. Would you think this would be a good situation for a man who is still legally married to someone to leave his wife and move in with his mistress who is having his child? How come the legal laws should be followed but not God’s?

You are thinking only of one aspect of the situation, not the spiritual reality.

He wouldn’t really be “married”. They would be committing adultery. They would be inviting evil into the house (even if unknowingly). The spiritual hits the people would take, including the child, could be disastrous. Generational sin, continual divorce down the line, the lack of peace that evil creates…and thats just the spiritual part.

Then there are the psychological and emotional damages: …example of divorce and remarriage to the child(ren), the past brokenness and hurt that effects the future marriages. 2nd marriages have a huge divorce rate, so because it wouldn’t be a valid marriage, there is no grace to bond them… high potential for future divorce and thats a hit on the kid.

WAY better for the dad to be very nearby and very part of the life but not live in the same house and pretend marriage but instead be committing adultery.

remember, Satan wants to deceive. He makes sin appear to be good.

 

[sharmin]

It wouldn’t be an “intact” family.

Well, yes it would. There would be bio mom, bio dad, and bio child. That is an intact family.

Would you think this would be a good situation for a man who is still legally married to someone to leave his wife and move in with his mistress who is having his child?

Does he have a child with the other woman? Leaving a marriage in either scenario has the same emotional and spiritual effects, even taking out the legality of it. However, this man is NOW a parent with this woman. Their first responsibility (I would think in God’s eyes too) are to the innocent child. What is best for this child? I would believe with all my being that being a part of an intact family is best for the child.

You are thinking only of one aspect of the situation, not the spiritual reality.

No, actually I’m not. To harm a child is dispicable in God’s eyes, and I believe this would harm a child more than living with and being civilly married to your child’s mother would.

He wouldn’t really be “married”. They would be committing adultery.

Yes, true. But now we need to think about what is best for the child

They would be inviting evil into the house (even if unknowingly). The spiritual hits the people would take, including the child, could be disastrous. Generational sin, continual divorce down the line, the lack of peace that evil creates…and thats just the spiritual part.

I don’t know. I have known people who have come from broken homes. I know of one couple in their 50s who were both divorced and remarried, and I see none of this evil of which you speak. They are God-fearing people who read scripture daily, go to church weekly, participate in Bible studies, and attend weekly prayer groups. I hardly see this evil in their lives. what makes you think otherwise?

Then there are the psychological and emotional damages: …example of divorce and remarriage to the child(ren), the past brokenness and hurt that effects the future marriages. 2nd marriages have a huge divorce rate, so because it wouldn’t be a valid marriage, there is no grace to bond them… high potential for future divorce and thats a hit on the kid.

There is no sacramental grace in any civil marriage…do you believe they all fail?

Anyway, I know you disagree, but those are my thoughts.

 

[agapewolf]

Well, yes it would. There would be bio mom, bio dad, and bio child. That is an intact family.

Does he have a child with the other woman? Leaving a marriage in either scenario has the same emotional and spiritual effects, even taking out the legality of it. However, this man is NOW a parent with this woman. Their first responsibility (I would think in God’s eyes too) are to the innocent child. What is best for this child? I would believe with all my being that being a part of an intact family is best for the child.

No, actually I’m not. To harm a child is dispicable in God’s eyes, and I believe this would harm a child more than living with and being civilly married to your child’s mother would.

Yes, true. But now we need to think about what is best for the child

I don’t know. I have known people who have come from broken homes. I know of one couple in their 50s who were both divorced and remarried, and I see none of this evil of which you speak. They are God-fearing people who read scripture daily, go to church weekly, participate in Bible studies, and attend weekly prayer groups. I hardly see this evil in their lives. what makes you think otherwise?

No, people living under one roof does make an “intact” family.

Their VERY First responsibility, even before children, is to your spouse. That is church teaching. Living in a household where 2 people are committing adultery is NOT a good for the child. It is extremely harmful in the spiritual sense, and as I’ve well listed, the emotional sense and example being set.

THe evil is there…the generational sin, its passed down. Just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. That’s satan’s plan…to deceive and appear as a good. Just because one attends a bible study does not make their whole living situation good.

The more these ridiculous conversations happen, the more I believe that the legal benefits of marriage are nothing compared to the harm that having a government marriage system does to confusing people about who is really “married”.

People place a civil marriage as if it actually exists.

 

[rick43235]

Can I be a best man at a non-Catholic wedding? I’m Catholic…the bride and groom are not. More facts…the wedding will be in a Baptist Church and the bride-to-be is pregnant. There have been multiple marriages for both bride and groom.

I want to support them in their decision to be married especially if they’re having a child but I don’t want my participation to condone their decision to have sex outside of marriage. Any help please?

No, people living under one roof does make an “intact” family.

Their VERY First responsibility, even before children, is to your spouse. That is church teaching. Living in a household where 2 people are committing adultery is NOT a good for the child. It is extremely harmful in the spiritual sense, and as I’ve well listed, the emotional sense and example being set.

THe evil is there…the generational sin, its passed down. Just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. That’s satan’s plan…to deceive and appear as a good. Just because one attends a bible study does not make their whole living situation good.

The more these ridiculous conversations happen, the more I believe that the legal benefits of marriage are nothing compared to the harm that having a government marriage system does to confusing people about who is really “married”.

People place a civil marriage as if it actually exists.

Are you kidding me? This couple will be legally married AND they are getting married in a church. No one in this situation is Catholic except the guy inquiring about being the best man. Yet, you think that Dad should live down the street rather than with his family because it offends your twisted idea of what a marriage is. Absurd!!

 

[agapewolf]

Are you kidding me? This couple will be legally married AND they are getting married in a church. No one in this situation is Catholic except the guy inquiring about being the best man. Yet, you think that Dad should live down the street rather than with his family because it offends your twisted idea of what a marriage is. Absurd!!

My twisted idea of marriage? THen you call Jesus’ idea of marriage twisted. One may not divorce and remarry. It is adultery! It doesn’t matter if they are Catholic or not.

 

[kage_ar]

Are you kidding me? This couple will be legally married AND they are getting married in a church. No one in this situation is Catholic except the guy inquiring about being the best man. Yet, you think that Dad should live down the street rather than with his family because it offends your twisted idea of what a marriage is. Absurd!!

The law of God in regard to morality, adultery, marriage, sex, applies to every human person. Non-Catholics don’t get a “commit adultery free” card.

 

[Rascalking]

The law of God in regard to morality, adultery, marriage, sex, applies to every human person. Non-Catholics don’t get a “commit adultery free” card.

But if you reject God, and decide to live as you please, why should you be bound by the laws of the church? If you choose not to obey the church, you deal with the consequences of that-and they won’t be pretty.

I don’t want to force people to believe in Christ. It’s a choice THEY have to make. If they choose, through their own free will, not to do that, then why should we make them? As a Catholic, I find it sort of odd.

 

[kage_ar]

But if you reject God, and decide to live as you please, why should you be bound by the laws of the church? If you choose not to obey the church, you deal with the consequences of that-and they won’t be pretty.

I don’t want to force people to believe in Christ. It’s a choice THEY have to make. If they choose, through their own free will, not to do that, then why should we make them? As a Catholic, I find it sort of odd.

Catholic laws are things like not eating meat on Friday, fasting on Ash Wednesday, attending Mass on non-Sunday HDOs.

God’s law for all humans is

do not kill
do not steal
do not commit adultery
etc

Yes, we can choose to murder and rape and lie and steal and commit adultery, but, society will break down. God’s laws, the laws on marriage, are designed to make sure we live in a functioning society.

 

[Rascalking]

Catholic laws are things like not eating meat on Friday, fasting on Ash Wednesday, attending Mass on non-Sunday HDOs.

God’s law for all humans is

do not kill
do not steal
do not commit adultery
etc

Yes, we can choose to murder and rape and lie and steal and commit adultery, but, society will break down. God’s laws, the laws on marriage, are designed to make sure we live in a functioning society.

Yes, and those who murder, lie, and steal deal with the consequences. Our society has civil la

 

[Rascalking]

God’s law for all humans is

do not kill
do not steal
do not commit adultery
etc

.

The difference between adutlery and murder is, um-vast.

Should we apply the same punishment to adultery as we do to murder and theft?

Just asking here.

 

[sharmin]

No, people living under one roof does make an “intact” family.

Their VERY First responsibility, even before children, is to your spouse. That is church teaching. Living in a household where 2 people are committing adultery is NOT a good for the child. It is extremely harmful in the spiritual sense, and as I’ve well listed, the emotional sense and example being set.

THe evil is there…the generational sin, its passed down. Just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. That’s satan’s plan…to deceive and appear as a good. Just because one attends a bible study does not make their whole living situation good.

The more these ridiculous conversations happen, the more I believe that the legal benefits of marriage are nothing compared to the harm that having a government marriage system does to confusing people about who is really “married”.

People place a civil marriage as if it actually exists.

I think we’ll just have to agree to disagree then. I appreciate your taking the time to spell out your viewpoint, though I don’t agree with it. I think both scenarios are not good for the child (the parents living apart, although in love verses the parents living together in adultery) but I believe the parents living together is the ‘lesser of two evils’ so to speak.

Thanks for the civil & friendly debate, though!