Can my parents take away a scholarship opportunity?

[The_Bucket]

I don’t see how going to the Church can help. You cannot force a person to like someone, let alone love them.

One thing here I wanted to add is that I think diving into the church community could be very important. That probably won’t be hard to do over at Fordham and I really encourage you to participate. A closer relationship with God will bring you to greater understanding who your true “Abba” is.

That is, God is not a brooding father who stands there with His arms crossed. He is the father in the story of the prodigal son, constantly scanning the horizon whenever we walk away from Him and insult Him, hoping that he sees you taking that first step to come back and then welcoming you immediately.

I’m sorry that you didn’t get that example in your life. The truth is that none of us mortal fathers can fully emulate the true Father. So forgive your own and chalk it up to his being human as well and run to your Father in Heaven.

 

[monicatholic]

Brad, it’s good to hear from you. I’m so sad and sorry your parents are behaving so vindictively toward you.

Bucket shares great insight and advice. I hope you can see the value in following it.

Be well. I will offer my Holy Thursday Mass for you.

 

[Brad17]

One thing here I wanted to add is that I think diving into the church community could be very important. That probably won’t be hard to do over at Fordham and I really encourage you to participate. A closer relationship with God will bring you to greater understanding who your true “Abba” is.

That is, God is not a brooding father who stands there with His arms crossed. He is the father in the story of the prodigal son, constantly scanning the horizon whenever we walk away from Him and insult Him, hoping that he sees you taking that first step to come back and then welcoming you immediately.

I’m sorry that you didn’t get that example in your life. The truth is that none of us mortal fathers can fully emulate the true Father. So forgive your own and chalk it up to his being human as well and run to your Father in Heaven.

I will definitely dive into the Church community at Fordham, in fact I feel a strong need to do so. It’s almost a selfish desire, I need somewhere to belong. But I believe it’s the proper choice.

 

[monicatholic]

oh, Brad. it IS the right choice. you were baptized into the very life of the Blessed Trinity, God Himself, Father, Son and Spirit, you belong to Him. in Him is where you belong.

don’t wait till you’re at Fordham. the ONLY time God’s grace is available to you is now. seek Him more deeply now. pray more. give Him your grief of being emotionally abandoned by your family. rest in Him.

what can your parish offer to you right now? young adult Bible study? youth group? Eucharistic Adoration? go there. and be with God to whom you belong.

 

[Soren_Itenu]

Good luck, and God bless, Brad! We’re all pulling for you. Don’t let your parents get you down. They’re acting horribly, and they don’t deserve a boy like you as their son.

 

[Brad17]

In case anyone remembers this thread, I thought I would post a status.

My first year at Fordham has gone well. My grades are good and I have adapted well to college life.

My parents have completely rejected me. It is clear that my father is simply not going to forgive me for defying his plans for my life. Although he is keeping his promise to pay for my education, he has made it clear that I have been disinherited. My sisters have been told that they no longer have a brother.

It hurts.

There is no question that I made the right decision. God does not want my father to micromanage my life (which he would do if I let him).

I have been given two days to gather up whatever remaining personal belongings I want from my parents house. Anything I don’t claim will be given away or sold. My father has made it clear that these two days are the last times I will ever enter his home. Despite that I grew up there it feels like a strangers house now, especially with the new family photos without me in them.

I am angry at my father for his rejection, but nothing productive will come from this anger. I need to forgive him.

I hope that this thread may help a parent understand how pride can damage a family.

 

[MaryT777]

Yes, I remember this thread distinctly. I am so glad your first year has gone well. I am terribly sorry to hear that your Father has taken this approach. I guess you will gather up your belongings and know that he is a sinner in need of the Grace of God like all of us.
What a shame he has taken such a hard line approach with your sisters as well.

I hope soon or at some point your Father will come around and come to accept the choice you have made for your life as an adult and work towards restoration of your relationship.

God bless you and May God’s grace be with you always and through this difficult circumstance.

God Bless,
Mary.

 

[Lily235]

Brad, I just found this thread today. Although I only read the first and last 2 pages, I am amazed at this whole story. I do believe that your parents qualify as emotionally abusive. The fact that you were able, after 17 years of excessive control, of walking out and starting over, is very impressive. Good for you. Also good for you for seeing and acknowledging that you should forgive them. That is spiritually and psychologically healthy, but don’t be too hard on yourself if it takes a while to reach that point. Anyway, I was just writing to be supportive.

 

[Joe_5859]

In case anyone remembers this thread, I thought I would post a status.

My first year at Fordham has gone well. My grades are good and I have adapted well to college life.

My parents have completely rejected me. It is clear that my father is simply not going to forgive me for defying his plans for my life. Although he is keeping his promise to pay for my education, he has made it clear that I have been disinherited. My sisters have been told that they no longer have a brother.

It hurts.

There is no question that I made the right decision. God does not want my father to micromanage my life (which he would do if I let him).

I have been given two days to gather up whatever remaining personal belongings I want from my parents house. Anything I don’t claim will be given away or sold. My father has made it clear that these two days are the last times I will ever enter his home. Despite that I grew up there it feels like a strangers house now, especially with the new family photos without me in them.

I am angry at my father for his rejection, but nothing productive will come from this anger. I need to forgive him.

I hope that this thread may help a parent understand how pride can damage a family.

I remember you, Brad. Thanks for the update. I am glad to hear that you are adapting well to college life. I am sorry to hear your father has taken such an approach. I’m sure “hurt” and “anger” are extreme understatements to describe what you are going through. I will pray for you as you move forward. May our Heavenly Father bring healing to you where your earthly father has brought hurt and pain.

 

[1ke]

In case anyone remembers this thread, I thought I would post a status.

My first year at Fordham has gone well. My grades are good and I have adapted well to college life.

My parents have completely rejected me. It is clear that my father is simply not going to forgive me for defying his plans for my life. Although he is keeping his promise to pay for my education, he has made it clear that I have been disinherited. My sisters have been told that they no longer have a brother.

It hurts.

There is no question that I made the right decision. God does not want my father to micromanage my life (which he would do if I let him).

I have been given two days to gather up whatever remaining personal belongings I want from my parents house. Anything I don’t claim will be given away or sold. My father has made it clear that these two days are the last times I will ever enter his home. Despite that I grew up there it feels like a strangers house now, especially with the new family photos without me in them.

I am angry at my father for his rejection, but nothing productive will come from this anger. I need to forgive him.

I hope that this thread may help a parent understand how pride can damage a family.

I’m really sorry that you have crazy parents. You do realize that, right? This is not normal in any way, shape or form. They are really outer limits.

I am sure that taking the high road and forgiving them is difficult, but crazy people often can’t help that they are crazy-- they are damaged from their own life experiences. Try to remember that, he wouldn’t be acting this way if he weren’t seriously damaged somehow. He either has a real mental illness or he was somehow abused or otherwise damaged as a child himself.

I hope you will extend a hand to your sisters when they reach 18, if you cannot have contact with them before that time. They are likely experiencing the same level of control you were and are probably being actively programmed by your parents, perhaps even moreso since you have escaped.

I know it will be difficult to move forward in life without your family, and being treated so awfully must really hurt.

Make new friends, hold your head up, and try not to let this scar you or sour you on others.

Perhaps talking to a counselor at school would help?

 

[Lily235]

Brad, have you met other people’s parents? Do you have a sense of how other people are raised? I’ll tell about some of my childhood for contrast.

My mom was a bit controlling, but not to the extent you are describing. It was more like Mom didn’t fully comprehend that sister and I might have different preferences, desires, and personalities. Dad wasn’t as strong standing up to her as he could have been, but they were about 95% excellent parents. They mostly let us explore the world as we wanted to, but drew us back from potential dangers. Mom did have a tendency to draw that line much closer than Dad, and she would actively manipulate us to chose what she wanted us to sometimes, but it was only with things that were a direct reflection of her social anxiety and residuum from abusive parents. At the time, of course, we thought she was terrible, but looking back it was just a few blind spots and psychological problems on both their sides.

Specifically in contrast to your situation: Mom and Dad encouraged my sister and I to learn everything we’d need to live independently whether married or not. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, mending, household budgeting, car stuff, small household repairs, who to call for big repairs, etc. We were allowed to explore multiple options for college, even though they had a preference (due to a substantial employee discount). No interference at all with choice of major. After college, Mom and Dad and I actively worked on changing our relationship from parent/child to older adult/yourger adult. We even sat down to talk about this once. It took a while, but we’re totally good now. They act in an advisory capacity without actually attempting to control anything. She does occasionally attempt to get my sister to come back to the Church, but that’s about it.

 

[EasterJoy]

Don’t give up on your sisters. They have a brother, and they know it. Actually, I would not give up on your parents. The loss of you is something they are going to feel, particularly if your sisters follow suit by choosing to live their own lives, too–marrying someone who doesn’t meet your father’s expectations, living somewhere not of his choosing, you name it–and even if they don’t, he may have a change of heart. It may also be that the futility and, yes, the cruelty of his current ploys to get you back under his thumb will come back to admonish his conscience. This is particularly likely if you exhibit nothing but good will and respect when you speak about him, save to say that you could not tolerate this particular type of misguided action. Anything is possible, particularly in someone who prays and examines his conscience on a regular basis. One little opening for the Holy Spirit, and he could be overcome in ways and perhaps even with a suddenness no one would have ever predicted. God has his ways with us, after all.

Your father is giving you a patrimony by agreeing to pay for your education, which is actually a good sign. It is more than many inherit, so hang in there and make the most of it. Do what you can to stay in touch in an indirect way. Social media is a good way to make yourself easy to find for someone who has decided to track you down, and it is a way that can be enjoyed without leaving a trace. You can even tell your parents that you will respect their request that you not contact them, but that you will be staying available online, if they ever change their minds. You can leave it at that; don’t respond to any grand pronouncements that you don’t need to bother.

In the meantime, kudos to you for having the courage to do this. I really think that the history of your family is likely to take a far better and healthier turn because of it. Certainly you seem to be blooming in spite of the hardship. Hang in there, and remember the story of Joseph from Genesis. As with the Cross, it is a story of how God can take a bad situation and transform it into a saving situation, because his faithful one remained faithful.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

Found this thread today. This breaks my heart deeply. My parents and I frequently butted heads hard during my flaming childhood and teen years, and I left home at 16 to attend the college of my choice several hours drive away. Which was paid for thru a combination of their money, my jobs plus scholarships, grants and loans. Our relationship improved vastly during my college years and to this day, my parents are still married and we still value each other’s company as adults and friends. The important thing was my parents never ever gave up on their relationship to me the way the OP’s father has. Never even came close in spite of all the conflict that marked my growing up years in their house.

I sincerely hope that the OP and his father become reconciled.

 

[adawgj]

In case anyone remembers this thread, I thought I would post a status.

My first year at Fordham has gone well. My grades are good and I have adapted well to college life.

My parents have completely rejected me. It is clear that my father is simply not going to forgive me for defying his plans for my life. Although he is keeping his promise to pay for my education, he has made it clear that I have been disinherited. My sisters have been told that they no longer have a brother.

It hurts.

There is no question that I made the right decision. God does not want my father to micromanage my life (which he would do if I let him).

I have been given two days to gather up whatever remaining personal belongings I want from my parents house. Anything I don’t claim will be given away or sold. My father has made it clear that these two days are the last times I will ever enter his home. Despite that I grew up there it feels like a strangers house now, especially with the new family photos without me in them.

I am angry at my father for his rejection, but nothing productive will come from this anger. I need to forgive him.

I hope that this thread may help a parent understand how pride can damage a family.

I’m a little confused as to why they are still mad at you for not going to a Catholic university. Fordham is a Catholic school.

 

[bitterhope]

Your story has made me cry. I’m so sorry for your troubles, but so proud of your achievements. As a mom I cannot imagine treating my child like that. I’m praying for you

 

[1ke]

I’m a little confused as to why they are still mad at you for not going to a Catholic university. Fordham is a Catholic school.

Defiance. Brad dared to have an opinion and preference of his own.

This father is seriously pathological, probably with some sort of mental illness or personality disorder. Mom is either right there with him in the crazy department, or afraid of him/submissive to him.

 

[Marysann]

Brad, we are all concerned for you. My son went to Fordham, and in his senior year lived in those off-campus apartments. They were close enough to walk to class since he didn’t have a car. I think that he could have stayed there during school breaks if he had wanted to. If you can live in one of those you won’t have to worry about what to do when the dorms are closed. Have you discussed your situation with someone at school, maybe a priest involved in ministry for students. He might be able to help you to get a summer job, so that you will be able to continue to live in off-campus housing during the summer. Do you have relatives who you can spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with, family members who know your father, and may be sympathetic to you?

Don’t worry about your sisters. They are afraid to be in contact with you now because of your father. When they get to the age when they want to become independent, they most likely be coming to you for advice. Try to keep up with them through other relatives, and social media. Let them know that you will be there for them.

What you have done is very courageous. You have established your independence without the foolish and dangerous rebellious behavior that some young people get themselves involved in. You are preparing for your future by working hard in school. Please continue to pray for your parents. Try to forgive them for “they know not what they do.” As someone said here on another thread, you can’t parent through fear. Don’t hesitate to come here for “parental” advice. Most of us are old enough to be your parents, and we will try to help you as much as we can.

 

[MCGar]

Brad?

Hi! I just read this whole thread. If I could leap through this screen and give you a big hug I would.

I just wanted to update the thread and ask how you are doing? Do you have a place to stay? Have you found a community? Maybe you could get involved with your local parish and see if anyone could help you out (find a sponsoring family like it’s done for exchange students).

I just see you going amazing places, but I pray that you don’t lose heart because of the dreadful actions of your parents.

I know that you must feel bereft at such a type of loss of your family. But as a man with a bright future, just think of what big steps you’ve made towards making a foundation for your future family.
You separated from a very intense and toxic environment that would’ve really not bode well for bringing a wife into.

 

[masondoggy]

I just read this thread for the first time and oh my goodness, this made me cry. Brad, I am so so sorry that you have been treated so badly by your family. They were absolutely in the wrong, especially what your father did regarding your scholarship. I agree, they are definitely emotionally abusive and I sincerely hope you are in counseling.

I admire the way you have carried yourself throughout this ordeal. You are very mature and BRAVE for someone your age and I believe you will succeed in whatever you decide to do with yourself. I hope that you can find forgiveness for your parents. It may take awhile and you may need to ask God to help you with that. Don’t forget to pray for them. They are very troubled people to be able to disown their own son over his college choices.

Please update us here periodically. You will be in my prayers.